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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does everyone look at me like I had two heads?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's not "everyone". That's your other head. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of peril sensitive sunglasses.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty, omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, > omnivorous, all-seeing Internet Oracular master, saver of > all, keeper of all wisdom, who spans the great infinity of > space and time, who outshines any Snap-on tool, whose > electronic wisdom I am unworthy even to ponder, whose Un*x > knowledge surpasses even the most dedicated hacker.  Oh > most industrially illustrious, wonderful, marvelous, > magnificent, and omnipotent Oracle, whose prowess knows no > limits, drool is treasured like the mirth of eternal > youth, I humbly implore thee to answer my cry... > > Who are the Web Masters and what powers do they have? Are > they real or just another Internet legend?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The original Web Masters were, in fact, a particular breed of highly } intelligent spiders.  After crawling forth from the primordial soup, } their communications technology continued to advance at a rapid pace. } Eventually, they made the fateful discovery that spider silk is, } in fact, a highly efficient material for fiber optic data transfer, } and thus the Internet was born, instantly linking every Web Master } in existence. } } A few years thereafter, the Web Masters made another fateful discovery: } Internet Porn. } } In the ensuing period of near universal self-abuse, the entire Web } Master species became extinct, and passed into the realm of legend. } } There are rumors that a small cabal of Web Masters still exists, out } there somewhere, but since they have not yet found a way to build an } RJ-45 interface cable using spider silk and bug carcasses, they are } limited to 56k dial-up connections and therefore their existence is } irrelevant to the modern Internet. } } You owe the Oracle a double helping of time flies.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oracle most heavenly, please tell me: What size are Pygmy gods?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 5.5 (US 6) } } You owe the oracle the tiniest shoehorn.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Si?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "What question is Jose asked, via song, before the start of }  every major sporting event in the USA?"

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Wise Oracle most exhilarated and immense, > >  Why won't my mom let me have a 800 mile long python?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because you still haven't cleaned up the mess from the 600 foot } puppy like you said you would. } } You owe the Oracle some air freshener.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most deathless and sensible, your ideas are everywhere! > > What should I wear to be buried in?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Depends on what the occasion is for your burial. } } YOU'RE DEAD: A nice suit. Underwear is optional. } } YOU'RE AT THE BEACH: Swim trunks, but remember that wearing a speedo is } a crime against humanity. } } YOU'RE A PROFESSIONAL PUDDING WRESTLER: Why not a nice singlet? Get a } sponsor and put some logos on it, and you can make some serious side- } cash. } } YOU'RE HOUDINI: A nice suit. Underwear is optional. } } YOU'RE AN ACORN: Clothes are not customary, but a t-shirt that reads } "Warning! Toxic to squirrels" might come in handy. } } YOU'RE VERY SMALL AND OWN A GREAT DANE. Milk-bone overalls. } } YOU'RE BURIED IN DEBT: A nice suit. eBay your underwear. } } You owe the Oracle a Miracle-Gro-based cologne.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What can I do to bring more excitement into my life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      == Ten Ways to Make your Life More Exciting == } } 10. Put on roller blades, tie a leashed pit bull to each }     hand. Never take them off. Never. } 09. Go into a biker bar and flirt with one of the guys. } 08. Go to work nude. } 07. Stalk a mafia don's daughter. } 06. Adopt a family of ferrets, and a family of quail. } 05. Go to an Oakland Raiders game dressed in Kansas }     City Chiefs garb. } 04. Liquidate all your assets, take it to Las Vegas, go }     to the roulette table, bet it ALL on "double zero" } 03. Marry a widow woman who already has nine kids. } 02. Become a cop. } 01. Change your name to Bin Laden. } } You owe the Oracle a nap.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Voluminous Oracle, long accustomed to status, wealth and success, > > Are there any politicians that aren't corrupt?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and } acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, } "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!" } } All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his } statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session. } } After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. "Okay," he said, "I } withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is not made up of cowards } and corrupt politicians!"

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My wife or my mistress?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Both. You tell your mistress that you're spending the evening with } your wife. Then you tell your wife that you're spending the evening } with your mistress. Then you go to the terminal room and fire off a } few askmes.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is he gone yet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alas, no Saruman is still up there in his dark tower, with Grima } plotting. Plotting what? Why what to do next. Here's what they } have so far... } }       == Top Ten Things Saruman is Thinking == }        == of Doing with a Flooded Isengard == } } 10. Donate it to the Ents as a Park (good PR move, might }     help Grima and him live a little longer too) } } 09. Breed Evil Uruk-Koi, Gold Fish with an attitude! } } 08. Theme Park. Think S-World, home of Sarumanmu the }     Killer Whale! Rohan rug-rats will beg their mums }     to take them there. There's more than one way to }     corrupt them strawheads. } } 07. Sewage Treatment Plant. Hey, it looks like a huge }     t*rd churner already. Run with it. } } 06. Wormtongue Dunk Tank! Step right up. For one shiny }     penny you can toss three rocks at linchpin holding }     Grima up above the murky broth below. (Ents excluded) } } 05. Get Isengard declared a wetland. Collect Federal Funds. } } 04. Big Ice Park. Lots of snow not too far off, Saruman could }     use it to freeze his unintended pond solid. Hold Ice Capades. }     Elf Princesses in tights spinning about on skates will draw }     a crowd. } } 03. Speed Boat Races. (must invent internal combustion }     engine first, row boat's powered by Orcs will be }     funny at first, but then grow old.) } } 02. Pave it over, put sub- division on top. Think Love }     Canal. } } 01. Sue the Ents for damage done. Take over Fangorn }     as settlement. } } You owe the Oracle a spiky wheel.