Goto:

1306, 1306-01, 1306-02, 1306-03, 1306-04, 1306-05, 1306-06, 1306-07, 1306-08, 1306-09, 1306-10

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh you Oracle, fair quintessence of the `Net, smarter than paint > be your ideals, both witty and strong, > > Should I get one of them new bionic eyes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, the old bionic eyes are more @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ } somewhat cheaper than the newer m@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ } could you, supplicant? Without ev@@&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&@@ } out and bought yourself one of th@@&&##########################&&@@ } should have waited for the Oracle@@&&@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@&&@@ } you're in, supplicant! You can't @@&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&@@ } constantly moving your head left @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ } this be a lesson to you, foolish @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Listen to me humans of Earth! The greatest of all your benefactors >  is the Wise Oracle! In requital of his glorious deeds, you have >  justly allotted by statute a share of your libations and drink- >  offerings in every temple and at every public service, whom, in >  hymns and in worship, you treat as the equals of gods of old and >  the demigods of your own feeble times! > >  Why do the neighbors keep calling 911?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Emily (peers through curtains): Elmer. Those new neighbours across the } street are doing it again. } Elmer: Doing what, Emily? } Emily: Playing loud music. It's enough to put you off. } Elmer: I'll call 911 again. } Emily (returns from window to kitchen table): Now, where were we? } Emily (picks up knife): We offer up to thee, O Great One, this } sacrifice... (More screams from kitchen. Music turns up a notch.) } } You owe the Oracle some earplugs.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O vastly knowledgeable and experienced Oracle, who can fix any problem > almost before it occurs, > > When I try to print out the answers you send me, my printer doesn't > print. What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Troubleshooting Guide for Printer Problems } } Problem: Nothing prints, front panel says "PC LOAD LETTER." } Solution: Printer is out of paper.  Put paper in letter tray. } } Problem: Everything printed is gibberish. } Solution: Some bozo is printing a binary file.  Cancel the current job, }   track down bozo, shove the ream of paper he wasted down his throat. } } Problem: Nothing prints, front panel says "PC LOAD MANUAL." } Solution: Printer is waiting for manual feed.  Put paper in manual feed }   tray. } } Problem: Nothing prints, front panel displays normal status, printer is }   not visable from network/local machine } Solution: Printer may not be properly connected to network/printer port. }   Check cabling for printer's network connection or parallel port as }   appopriate. } } Problem: Nothing prints, front panel display is blank. } Solution: Printer is off.  Turn printer on. } } Problem: Printer functions normally for everyone's jobs except yours. } Solution: Workstation's printer setting are hosed.  Check printer }   settings on local workstation to verify that they reference the }   correct printer. } } Problem: Nothing prints, front panel says "INSERT HAND TO CONTINUE." } Solution: Printer requires blood sacrifice.  Insert hand into manual }   feed tray, or, if future use of hand is desired, get coworker to }   insert his hand.  Recommend use of virgin hands. } } Problem: Jobs print normally but then burst into flame, plastic }   surfaces of printer are soft to touch. } Solution: Printer is on fire.  Turn off flamethrower. } } Problem: Printer is missing. } Solution: Printer has been stolen.  Buy new one. } } Problem: Print jobs are streaked and/or faded. } Solution: Toner cartridge is malfunctioning.  Replace toner cartridge. } } Problem: Printer doesn't work. } Solution: User error.  Try a bigger brain. } } You owe the Oracle an etch-a-sketch.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> --part1_6d.7e72f8e.2b60acfe_boundary > Content-Type: text/plain; charset="US-ASCII" > Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit > > What is the "consumption function"? > > --part1_6d.7e72f8e.2b60acfe_boundary > Content-Type: text/html; charset="US-ASCII" > Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit > > <HTML><FONT FACE=arial,helvetica><FONT  SIZE=2 FAMILY="SANSSERIF" > FACE="Arial" LANG="0">What is the "consumption function"?</FONT></HTML> > > --part1_6d.7e72f8e.2b60acfe_boundary--

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's the ability of HTML to eat up bandwidth for no good } reason at all.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do elves like coffee?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Roast-brown! Roast-brown! O crystals clear } O bitter brew, our tongues caress! } O jolt to us who wander here } Along the slopes of Juan Valdez } Maxwell House! O Nescafe! } Chock full of taste and rich bouquet! } Roast-brown! Roast-brown! we sing to thee } In draughts we much prefer to Tea } O beans that in the droughtless year } With shining hand by him were sown } On rainy slopes now bright and clear } We see your roast-brown blossom blown! } O Maxwell House! Nescafe! } We still remember, we who say } "O bitter brew, our tongues caress! } Along the slopes of Juan Valdez." } } Thou owest the Oracle a double-skinny Ent draught with frothy milk

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  OOO  RRRR    A    CCCC L     EEEEE  ! > O   O R   R  A A  C     L     E      ! > O   O RRRR  AAAAA C     L     EEE    ! > O   O R  R  A   A C     L     E >  OOO  R   R A   A  CCCC LLLLL EEEEE  ! > > Whatever happened to the man from Nantucket?  You know the one...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There once was a man from Nantucket } Who invented the free-verse limerick. } They didn't do well, } So he didn't get famous, } Unlike his brother in Niagra.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  O Oracle most omniscient, > >  Where are my pants?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike. } } > s } You are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike. } } > e } You are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike. } Your lamp is getting dim. } } > e } You are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike. } Your lamp is getting very dim. } } > find pants! } I don't know how to "find." } Your lamp has gone out! } } > scream } AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! } It is dark. You are likely to be eaten by a grue. } } > n } You have been eaten by a grue. You are dead. } Ending inventory: } lamp (0 turns of oil, unlit) } wallet ($0, 1 maxed-out credit card) } key ring (4 keys) } colorful shirt } pair of sturdy adventurer's shoes } pair of fashionable pants } } Do you want to continue? (y/n) n } } Well, at least we know where your pants are NOW. Always check the } obvious place first, dear Supplicant. I don't think you can get your } pants easily now. } } You owe the Oracle a thousand (1000) turns of lamp oil.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Oh Oracle, with your continental charm and dashing good looks, > please answer this lowly supplicant's query... > >   I couldn't find my wallet the other day, and I came up with a > brilliant idea.  Wouldn't it be great if real life had a search > engine?  Just type in the key words (i.e. "Where is my wallet?") > and you'll get hundreds of helpful tidbits on where it is! > Fabulous! > >  Does such a thing exist?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, it does.  Here, I'll help you use it.  You say you've lost } your wallet?  Well, let's just type in "wallet". } } Results: } 1. George W. Bush's wallet } 2. The Internet Oracle's wallet } 3. Bill Gates's wallet } 4. International Wallets, Inc } 5. Saddam Hussein's wallet } [1] 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 ... 2345563 2345564 | Next Page>> } } Ug.  This apparently isn't working.  Let's try "supplicant wallet". } } Results: } 1. George W. Bush's wallet } 2. Supplicants of God [I think this is some sort of cult] } 3. The Juno Queue Drainer } 4. Saddam Hussein's wallet } 5. International Wallets, Inc } [1] 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 ... 322345563 322345564 | Next Page>> } } What?  This thing assumes OR?  Fine then. } "supplicant AND wallet" } } Results: } "And" is a very common word and was not included in the search. } 1. George W. Bush's wallet } 2. Supplicants of God } 3. The Juno Queue Drainer } 4. Saddam Hussein's wallet } 5. International Wallets, Inc } [1] 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 ... 322345563 322345564 | Next Page>> } } It won't accept boolean, either?  Let's see... ah, here we go. } Advanced search.  Let's try that one again. } } Results: } 1. The Juno Queue Drainer's wallet } 2. CEO of International Wallets, Inc [he's often a supplicant] } 3. President of International Wallets, Inc [so is he] } 4. VP of Marketing of International Wallets, Inc [I'm seeing a pattern }    here...] } 5. The Oracle's Lost and Found } [1] 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 ... 1894 1895 | Next Page>> } } Well, that's better, but still no cigar.  Let's try searching for the } exact phrase "supplicant's wallet". } } Results: } 1. The Oracle's Lost and Found } 2. The Juno Queue Drainer's wallet } 3. Richard Wilson's wallet } 4. The RHOD Lost and Found [I *don't* want to know where that's }    located...] } 5. Tim Chew's hair's wallet } [1] 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 ... 102 103 | Next Page>> } } OK, but how do we find *your* wallet?  I'd need to know your name. } Wait!  I know!  We can use the question number of the question you sent } me! } } "QYWai9c AND supplicant AND wallet" } } Results: } Sorry, no matches found. } } Well, it appears that your wallet has fallen into a black hole.  Or } that the search engine simply hasn't picked it up yet.  Which is much } the same thing. } } You owe the Oracle a googol and a spell checker.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where your head at?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: Down the hall and to the left. } } [ Drunk stumbles off up the hall and to the right. ] } } Oracle: No,no,no! That's Og's. . . } } [ Drunk gets tossed out of Og's cell and into the hall. ] } } Oracle: Hades! This Open House Weekend idea blows chunks. } } [ Zadoc shows up with a crowd of tourists in tow. They are }   snapping pictures of everything, touching the paintings, }   tracking dirt on the rugs. ] } } Zadoc: Why here's the Oracle now. } } [ The Oracle nods a faint nod of acknowledgment. ] } } Kid: Hey! How mu... } } <ZOT!> } } Mommy: Bobby! OHMYGAWD! OHMYGAWD! }             ---------------------- } } Agent: Okay, I get the idea. A tour is out. But how about }        a gift shop in the lobby at least? } } Oracle: I'll get back to you.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most glorious Oracle, whose feet women throw themselves at every > day, what is the most effective pick-up line?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A line is 1-dimensional, supplicant; you can't pick up much with it. } I personally suggest pick-up circles.  A radius of 1 foot, I find, } is most effective. } } You owe the Oracle a pickup truck.