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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I want to provide my economics professor with large quantities of > disinformation.  However, I am not wealthy.  Where can I get it at a > discount?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just print out the discussion in any Usenet newsgroup.  Everything you } want is available -- from the plausible but false, through to the } totally bizarre.  Just remember to respect the authors' copyrights. } Fair use only!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Fucking shit, my office is full of herrings!  What can I do, Oh wise and > wonderful Oracle, what can I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Herrings! Herrings! Oh my, herrings! Hold on while I consult my vast } knowledge banks! } } Oh no! It's worse than I feared! The herring problem has no unique } solution! Fear not, I have a feature to deal with this. I'll simply } split my being into sub-Oracles. } } POP! } } sub-Oracle #1 : Quick! At the top of your voice, shout "Gladys! Get } the mayo and Wonder Bread! We're gonna make us sardine sandwiches!" } The herrings will leave quickly, not because they're afraid of being } eaten, but because they're pissed off that you mistook them for } sardines. } } sub-Oracle #2 : You asshole! It's not my fault you hired the entire } Herring family to be your accountants, you sludge-eating moron! And } while I'm at it, buttface, the plural of herring is "herring", not } "herrings"! What a complete jerk-off! } } sub-Oracle #3 : Calm down. It's not as serious as you think. You } remember that paper napkin you wiped your mouth with after lunch? } Well, that was actually a blotter of extremely potent LSD. The } herrings will disappear in about an hour. Meanwhile enjoy the } experience, and watch as your fishy friends playfully jump up your } secretary's skirt. } } POP! } } There! One of those solutions should help you out--say, I don't feel } right. I feel strangely...diminished. } } sub-Oracle #2 : No wonder, you poophead! Did you really think I'd } rejoin with you, you dickless wonder? } } Oh, no! } } sub-Oracle #2 : Oh, yes! It's me, the dark side of your personality! } I'm free! Free to tell all your customers to fuck off! Free to write } incredibly destructive computer viruses! Free to cause utter havoc in } all of creation! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! } } This...this is horrible! The Dark Oracle unleashed! And I find myself } strangely unable to act, to make decisions. Just like Captain Kirk in } "The Enemy Within"! What am I going to do? } } sub-Oracle #2 : I know what I'm going to do! Hey, Lisa! Where are you! } I've got something long and hard for you and it's not a proof by } induction! } } LISA?! YOU STAY AWAY FROM HER!! } } sub-Oracle #2 : And what are you going to do about it, you Oracular } pussy? } } Watch this! } } "By Dennis and Ken! }  By Stanislaw Lem! }  By the blue-suited morons of old IBM! }  I order you, aspect, persona-non-gratis, }  Join with the Oracle, reunificatis!" } } sub-Oracle #2 : NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! } } SHHHHHWWWWWWEEEEEE-POP! } } Ahh...much better! } } You owe the Oracle some good schizophrenic jokes.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Howdy, wise one. How have you been lately?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello yourself.  The Oracle has been miserable.  People keep asking } those stupid woodchuck questions.  Lisa has the clap and the Oracle has } to wait till the antibiotics have done their thing.  Several of Its } brighter incarnations are giving up Oracularities for Lent (starts } Wednesday), which will leave It a bit short of staying power. } } Thank you for your concern.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please forgive this test

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, the Oracle sees that, shy as you are, you've cleverly couched your } question in the form of a request, rather than a question.  Of course, } this is of little consequence to an omniscient entity.  Being in an } especially happy and squirrelly mood today, the Oracle will answer } your question: } } Have her place her hands palms-down on the sink, and lean forward as } if she were brushing her teeth.  If you're taller than she is, have } her stand on her tiptoes.  If she's taller, have her stand with her } feet slightly apart.  Now, standing behind her, lift first your left } leg, then your right leg, until your feet rest on the countertop. } } Reach around her and get a good grip.  Let her get a good grip, too. } Push with your legs (_not_ with your back - the Oracle doesn't like } lawsuits) and pull both arms toward you.  Easy, now.  Be careful you } don't slip suddenly and hurt yourself, or her. } } If it still doesn't budge, even with her help, forget it and call a } plumber.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I help rebuild the economic infrastructure of my underwear?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just holler in a friendly fashion down to the little workmen who are } diligently jackhammering and riveting within your underwear, and ask } if there's anything you can do to make their tiny lives a little } easier.  You might want to break up bits of peanut butter and jelly } sandwiches and carefully toss them to your workmen; they love any } excuse for a five-minute food break.  (Careful!  Throwing large pieces } of crust within your underwear can injure your workmen!  Use a wench } to lower large pieces of crust to your crews.) } } It is probably a bad idea to buy them beers; I've heard stories about } economic infrastructures built by inebriated workers, and I'm sure you } have too.  Although the rumors of collapsed and lopsided } infrastructures are false, one woman in Sandusky who purchased wine } for her construction crews was shocked to find a large and rowdy party } going on in her brassiere during the evening shift.  So you may want } to find other ways to show your appreciation and support to your work } crews. } } Since you are having an economic infrastructure built, as opposed to } an esoteric or an epileptic infrastructure, you may want to supply } your construction departments with the raw materials necessary for the } job.  An excellent way to do this is by putting spare change on the } construction site.  Suzanne Watnick from Boston reports that she makes } new acquaintances at stores and restaurants by dumping change from } purchases into her brassiere.  Andrew Kaplan of Phoenix keeps his } wallet at his crotch rather than his hip pocket; he says that "it } makes me real popular with the ladies while it gets my economic } infrastructure done--those guys are two weeks ahead of schedule!" } } The rebuilding of the economic infrastructure of your underwear can be } a memorable and rewarding experience if you get to know your crew } members personally.  Benjamin Morss has compiled a list of all his } workers' likes and dislikes, as well as their birthdays; he allows an } hour off per week for birthday celebrations for that week, and has a } minuscule cake shipped to his jockey shorts at that time.  He says, } however, that he does not shake hands with his employees because "they } are real small and I am real big and it would probably kill them." } } However you decide to deal with the situation, rebuilding the } infrastructure of your underwear can be an enlightening, involving, } and rewarding experience for you and your whole family.  It has beem } said, most rightfully so, that rebuilding your underwear economic } infrastructure will not only add new years to your life, but new life } to your years, so that you may fill your life with years of living } life with all the years that you can live. } } (insert theme music here)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How far would you walk for one of my smiles ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd walk about this far, but no further.  Yep.  From here to there. } That's just about as far as you're gonna get from me.  So don't think } your smile is that incredible.  Nope.  Just from here to there.  Just a } tiny jaunt in the ubiquitous fabric of existence.  Not really all that } far.  I mean, like, it's not like walking no distance whatsoever.  Come } on.  It's a distance.  So don't take it so personal.  Sheesh.  Oh come } on!  Don't leave like that!  HEY!  HEY YOU!  COME BACK!  YOU COME BACK } HERE OR YOU'LL NEVER WORK IN THIS TOWN AGAIN!  FINE!  FINE!  YOU CAN } JUST FORGET ABOUT THE REFERENCE!  BETTER START CLEANING OUT YOUR DESK! } THAT'S IT!  AND YOUR SMILE?  IT SUCKS!!  YOU CAN SEE WHERE YOU GOT THAT } TOOTH CAPPED!  YOU CAN, TOO!  YOU CAN JUST FORGET ABOUT COMING BACK! } YEAH, FINE!  RIGHT!  SEE IF I CARE!  YEAH, YOU JUST GET YOUR LAWYER! } STUPID RABBIT!  WHO GOT YOU THE WARNER BROTHERS GIG?  WHO GOT YOU A LEAD } WITH ELMER FUDD?  WHO GOT YOU DAFFY?  IT WAS ME, BUGS!  I DID IT!  YOU'D } JUST BE ANOTHER SMART-ASS NO-TALENT RABBIT MUNCHING GRASS AND DODGING } HUNTERS IN HICKSVILLE IF IT WEREN'T FOR ME!  I GOT YOU THE DANCE } LESSONS!  I GOT YOU THE ELOCUTION TUTOR!  FINE!  YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT } ME, I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU!  DO YOUR OWN DAMN CARTOONS!  GET YOUR OWN } DAMN AGENT, I JUST DON'T CARE ANY MORE!  ...  GOOD-BYE!!!! } } ...  stupid rabbit.  [sound of drink being poured]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most magnificent and merciful majesty, master of the universe, > protector of the meek, whose nose we are not worthy to pick and whose > faeces are an untrammelled delight, and whose peacocks keep us awake all > hours of the night with their noisy lovemaking, we beseech thee, tell > thy humble servents the name of the section between the triglyphs in the > frieze section of a classical Dorian entablature.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Being a merciful, majestic, protective, holy-nosed, delightfully-shitted } rutting peacock owner, the mighty Oracle is naturally an enthusiast for } Ancient Greek architecture.  Therefore, the Oracle has decided to tell } you (although this is strictly classified information - I don't know how } those Encylcopaedia people got hold of it) that the sections in question } are called metopes.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, could you please tell me whatever happened to Jimmy > Hoffa?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Jimmy Hoffa's a pillar of the community in the San Fransico Bay bridge } -- no really -- they found when they scraped the makeup off of Tammy } Faye.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         The March 5th edition of BusinessWeek asserts that an IBM > researcher has created a computer model of the human brain that > spontaneously emits brainwaves, a behavior he did not program into the > system. > >         Did you have anything to do with this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} i do not spontaneously emit brainwaves. } } do not concern yourself about brainwaves, tidal bores, or other } unexpected phenomena. } } they are not the result of martians disrupting terrestrial circumstances } in preparation for invading. } } we repeat, the martians are *not* invading. } } they are not planting strange stories in businessweek to drive the stock } market to collapse to demoralize america's most loyal and strongest } sector. } } they have not captured the oracle's mailfeed to deprive the planet of } its greatest source of wisdom. } } they are not launching a gigantic space mollusc twenty-five miles in } diameter towards the earth. } } they are not related to bigfoot } } they did not cause ivana to divorce donald. } } they did not inject subliminal messages and chemicals into the } atmosphere to cause the election of george bush and dan quayle. } } they are not responsible for the five hundred foot tall gerbil that } ravished new orleans late last night. } } they will not cause a mutant cantaloupe to attack the u. s. marine } base in iowa city, iowa. } } they are not planning to genetically engineer a mutant teenage virus } which causes vast expansion of the human nose and ears, thereby } rendering it impossible for human space knights to put on the helmets of } their space suits, and thereby rendering them incapable of thwarting the } upcoming martian invasion. } } there is no upcoming martian invasion. } } they are not at this very moment releasing godwhongula, a gigantic } snow-breathing water buffalo, with orders to destroy tokyo city. } } they did not beam mental commands to henry kissinger compelling him to } don a tutu and perform in verdi's great opera "don giovanni." } } they did not cause the formation of the unarius foundation and the other } religions which are based on the premise that saviours will land on the } earth in flying saucers. } } they are not building flying saucers to the specifications of the } unarius foundation and other ufo religions. } } they did not hire the mole people to dig a vast network of tunnels under } duluth, and at the proper moment in the invasion collapse the entire } traffic system of that hapless city. } } they did not insert microchips into justice scalia's brain which will } cause him to declare that resistance to the martian invasion is } unconstitutional. } } they did not invent instant microwave cake, and did not fill it with } chemicals which deteriorate the mind and psyche of the eater. } } all of these things are false. } } the martians are not planning to invade } } also the rumor that the martians cannot use the shift key is completely } false. } } besides even if they could not touch the shift key the martian ministry } in charge of invading earth is rich enough to afford keyboards with } capital keys on it. } } even in the subdivision of usenet propeganda. } } especially in the subdivision of usenet propeganda. } } the subdivision of usenet propeganda is extremely important. } } the eventual success of the invasion depends crucially on the } subdivision of usenet propeganda. } } not that there is an invasion planned for now or any time in the future } of course. } } but you should write to the ministry of invasion and ask them to } contribute more for equipment to the subdivision of usenet propeganda, } just so that the martian invasion plan is not exposed by the use of } clumsily forged messages on usenet. } } not that there is an martian invasion plan to expose of course. } } you owe the oracle the earth's complete and unconditional surrender to } the martian subdivision of usenet propeganda. } } if you don't pay up then they might come and take away our last } remaining comfortable chair. } } so hurry.  it's very important. } } the fate of the earth depends on it. } } (hey!  i came up with an oracular statement after all!  now let's see } them deny me that keyboard!)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr.  Oracle, > >    We regret to inform you that the Bank East of North America has gone > bankrupt.  We wish to thank you, however for your patronage and hope > that the slight problem will not cause you to lose faith in the American > banking system.  Your balance at the time of the closing of the bank was > two hundred and seventy six billion three hundred and twenty one million > four hundred and two thousand eight hundred and fifty nine dollars and > thirty three cents.  As you know, of course, the bank was an FDIC backed > bank which means it was federally insured up to one hundred thousand > dollars.  Within a few days, you will be receiving a federally certified > check for one hundred thousand dollars.  We also wish to remind you that > your earnings deposited in the year 1989 plus the interest your account > bore for that year exceed one hundred and forty two million dollars. > You will be responsible for the payment of taxes of roughly thiry five > percent of that income.  Also note, that since the bank closed up > earlier this week, you can not use the loss of the balance of your > account as a deduction for last year's income.  You will however be able > to use it as a deduction for next year's taxes as long as you are able > to pay this year's taxes on time.  Have a nice day Mr.  Oracle > >                                       Joe Nathan > >                                       (Ex) Vice President >                                       Bank East Of North America

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why, thank you!  You have a nice day, too!  (smiles a sweet smile while } dusting off the Oracle's personal supply of nuclear weapons)