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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ok, maybe I've been drinking too much, but I can't remember - am I the > oracle, or are you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm the Oracle.  You're the President, thanks to your buddies on the } Supreme Court.  And shame on you for being drunk - again. } } Now, listen, while I have you in a receptive mood, there's three things } to remember, George: } } - Firstly, no matter how stupid the public has been so far in buying }   your bullshit about weapons of mass destruction, there's no way }   they're going to accept that France exporting brie into the States is }   a chemical attack.  Not even the really old and stinky kind. } } - Secondly, it's "Iraq" not "Iran" - yet -, "Weapons of Mass }   Destruction" not "Weeping a Mass Distraction", and "the Axis of }   Evil", not "the Axle of Elvis". } } - Lastly, Jenna's new found taste for the Indigo Girls and kd lang is }   not a passing phase, if you get my drift.  You better not let the }   conservative christian right find out.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most diplomatically divine, is Tony Blair really in Bush's hip > pocket?  Because on TV, he looks slightly too large for that.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant, } } All politicians are two dimensional, and thus, when viewed from the } correct angle are flat, thus lending themselves to easy bending, } folding, spindling, and mutilation (which, incidentally, is why they } aren't allowed to be mailed by USPS). Television crews must be very } careful with the cameras, in order not to spoil this marvelous effect } which you see on your TV screen. } } You owe the Oracle a "par avion" sticker.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, you are so wise and intelligent! You know the end from > the beginning, which is useful when dealing with horses and other > four-footed creatures! > > Spring will be arriving soon. We've all heard the bit about how "in > Spring a young man's fancy turns to thoughts of love." But I don't > qualify as a young man any more. So what does an old man's fancy turn > to?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sleep. Beds have more than one function.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, >      I have to decide, tomorrow, what I'm going to do with the rest of > my life.  I've got five choices: television repairperson, flower > arranger, sports mascot, proctologist, or programmer. > >     What do you recommend? >                       Your supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} television repairperson }       People now buy three new TV's instead of fixing the old one. } flower arranger }       The last flower arranger died in 1967. } sports mascot }       The Northeastern U. "Husky" is made of brass.  Are you? } programmer }       Vast hordes of them are now out of work. } proctologist }       The supply of customers is without limit.  The item in }       question is indeed repairable, everyone has one, and }       altogether too many people -are- one.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most charming and worldly, > > Where will be the chic super cool place to take my girlfriend > this Spring Break > > I want to get my reservations in ahead of time. > > Thanks!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Take her anywhere but Iraq.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's all this, then?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We have a broad, secret-court mandate to conduct warantless searches. } } You're not going to give us trouble, are you? } } You owe the Oracle your full and patriotic cooperation.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I suffer from dystypea, cuasing me occasoinally to reserve pairs > of letters in wrods I am typing on my cmoputer.  Is there a crue?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ni a word? } } On. } } Dael with ti. } } If, at times, you aer typing some wrods } And the wrods you are tyipng are coming out worng } Then, whatever you od, make sure you don't try } To cleverly rhyme and maek pu a snog. } } When dytsypea's there a song can be hrad; } A peom's as bad, and at tmies can be wrose, } So whatever you do, just stay far awya } And don't even tyr to make up a vrese. } } Those alphabte letters will jump all around } And act like a germlin is loose on your kyes. } There's nothing to do, but just grin and baer it, } Cause if you're rael lucyk you'll type out some sleaez. } } Then maek up a web page and use graet big fonst } And soon your hit countre will go through the roof. } People will think you'er some foreing scritp kiddie } Who's doing his bset to be l33t and aloof. } } And soon you'll be famuos, your link will be posted, } Your name will be known on the great meassge boards. } And all fro the fact that you laerned how to live with } Reversing some letters inisde of your wrods. } } You owe the Oracle oen copy of "Hokoed on Phoncis".

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most graciously rueful and simply effulgent, friend to > honesty and foe to crime, the Oracle is indeed one of a kind, > > Will the crazy child still be here after Easter?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Easter, Shmeaster.  You should be thinking about Passover.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the greater purpose of bellybutton lint?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, think about it. If it collected in next nearest hole } to the bellybutton you'd have a lot of troubles. As it is, } it's fairly benign. } } You owe the Oracle a dust free environment.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Thou Oracle who is above the most Enronesque of Enrons, > > What will be the next major company to have the dirty dark secrets > of its bookkeeping blown wide open?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Los Angeles (TIOnews) The Central Library continues to be rocked } by allegations of book-keeping practices of the vilest sort. } Early reports of deliberate mis-shelving of texts and the placing } of random texts on shelves spine inwards began circulating in } February. An audit has now turned up cases of books being shelved } with used hamburger wrappers between the pages and copies of } 'girlie' magazines inside of large reference books. Asked for } comment head librarian Glenda Fluskey peered over her glasses, } placed a finger to her lips and uttered a nearly inaudible, } "Shh". } } You owe the Oracle the three of clubs.