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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and glorious Oracle, please answer my prayers! > > Suppose for a second that a woodchuck COULD chuck wood. > Suppose that that same woodchuck WOULD chuck wood. > Now tell me, oh glorious oracle... > SHOULD that woodchuck chuck wood?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To:    Internet Oracle Supplicant #88347 } From:  Adams, Harkness & Rowe Attorneys } Re:    Notice of Intent to Sue for Damages } } Dear Mr/Ms Supplicant: } } Our client, Mr Charles Wood, has retained } our services to bring against you a lawsuit } alleging that you have repeatedly and } willfully impugned his character and made } a public mockery of his name. In this suit } he will allege that on or about 7:27 PM } of April 14, 2003, you repeated his name } three times in a single supplication, while } linking it to a rodent generally considered } to be a noxious pest, and that this act has } brought financial and mental damage to Mr } Wood. } } We hope that you will understand Mr Wood's } grievance and that you will wish to avoid } this lawsuit by paying Mr Wood three hundred } fifty thousand dollars in damages. If we have } not heard from you in one week's time, we } will enter a plea for damages in the appropriate } jurisdiction. } } Sincerely, } Gloria Adams, LLD

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Q W E R T Y U I O P >  A S D F G H J K L >   Z X C V B N M

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, THAT keyboard. Now hit the letters to spell out a question.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > > Should I hide in my bunker this Easter again this year?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I remember the last time you tried that.  You were staying at Joe's, } and your Dad went looking for you.  You could try a heavier stone this } time, but you know your Dad and the "stone so heavy he couldn't" bit. } } I know he can get cranky around the holidays, but do your father a } favour and don't try the "I'm dead" excuse again.  He's a nice guy, } just dedicated to his work. } } You owe the Oracle the parable about two rabbis walking into a bar.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, I am but a humble son of the soil, a bit of waving > wheat, while you are the combine, grain elevator, flour mill, bank, > and bakery.  I come to you for a bit of help. > > I need to curse something.  OK, I need to put a curse on the North > Carolina Basketball program.  Nothing fancy, expect that it should > make the "Curse of the Bambino" look as though it were applied by an > amateur magician at a five-year-old's birthday party. > > Can you tell me who I ask to do this?  Price isn't an option, as > long as it doesn't involve the immortal soul thing.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, the Oracle understands why } you wish to curse the Tarheels, and can } show you just what to do and how to do } it. When you're done with this curse, } their three-pointers will get only air, } they will be stone cold from the line, } and will never, ever get the charge call. } } But I warn you that you must be resolute } and strong, for we will have to invoke } the dreaded blue devils, and the archfiend } of the unpronounceable name: Krzyzewski } himself. So if you are still determined } to cast this curse, repeat after me: } }   "Foulest fiends, you devils in short }   pants and blue dresses, leave your crazed }   minions and attend upon me here. And you, }   their dread leader, I call upon you to }   sieze your dread clipboard and to appear }   before me." } } Has the smoke cleared? Good. Now the } entire squad of demon hoopsters is standing } in front of you. You can't back out now, } so say the following curse: } }  "I curse the Tarheels: I curse their foul }   shots and their layups. I curse their }   three pointers and their dunks. I curse }   their mascot and cheerleaders. May the air }   be filled with the clangs of their missed }   shots and the wailing of their fans. May }   their starters acquire four fouls in the }   first period. I command the Striped Ones }   to turn a blind eye to the hacks and elbows }   of the the foes, but to call every touch }   foul on the Heels. May they spend the rest }   of eternity outside the brackets." } } There, the curse is done. All that remains } is to send the devils back to their own } realm, so say this incantation: } }   "Now return to the pit of Cameron and }   fulfill my curse. Thus I compel you in }   the name of the all powerful mage who }   humbled you in the past: } }                 VALVANO" } } You owe the Oracle a plate of ram chops.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have set up a filter, but I am not sure that it still works. > How can I test it? > > Thanks!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pour in coffee grounds and hot water.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, from the lips of children and infants and adults and common > barnyard animals you have earned praise! You silence the foe of folly > and are our avenger against ignorance. > > Why is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln still rattling around the White > House?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} WHITE HOUSE ANNOUNCES BUSH } REELECTION THEME } } Washington (AP) - White House Press Secretary } Ari Fleischer today announced the theme of the } Bush 2004 reelection campaign: "A Lincoln for } our Times." The campaign plans to capitalize on } America's almost mystical reverence for the 19th } century president by calling attention to what } Fleischer called, "the uncanny resemblence between } both men." Fleisher detailed some of the similarities } that, he says, make Bush the spiritual successor to } Lincoln: } } - Both men are tall, lanky westerners who fought } the effete Eastern establishment with common sense } from the prairies. } } - Both men are noted for their command of the } English language and their oratorical skills. } } - Both Lincoln and Bush started wars against a } weaker foe for political reasons, but later changed } the justification of the war to "liberation of an } oppressed people." } } - Both men designed a "reconstruction" plan for } the conquered enemy that featured military } government, long-term occupation, and governance } by cronies. } } - Both presidents severely curtailed civil liberties } and suspended the right of habeas corpus in the } name of national defense. } } - Both administrations drove up the national debt } to record levels. } } Said, Fleisher: "Clearly, President Bush is following } in the footsteps of our most beloved president and } we feel that the American people will reward this } by reelecting him. We are already writing his second } Inaugural Address. } } In unrelated news, Secret Service agents reported } seeing a tall, bearded figure in frock coat and top } hat roaming the halls of the White House, rattling } chains and shrieking, but were unable to apprehend } the intruder.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, > > Will Bruce soon learn to use his mail reader?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Mr Bruce, } } It has come to our attention that you have not replied to any of our } former e-mails, even when we have made threats of the gravest nature. } And put baking soda in your sugar jar (yes, that was us). Thus, a } squadron of Slightly Over Forceful And Brash E-mail Divas (SOFABEDs) } will be landing on your roof in exactly fifteen minutes. Have a nice } day, and vote Demopublicat. } } Yours sincerely, } } Orrie the all knowing, } } Managing Director, Vice president, Chairman of Board and Chief } foot-massage receiver } } Oracle Hired Thug Contracting Services } } You owe the oracle a photograph of George Bush's left eyebrow

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most mighty and all-knowing oracle, all-hearing and all-speaking, > fluent in all languages and then some, able to communicate with dogs, > wives, intransigent AI networks and superannuated VAX servers in a > single flash of electronic intelligence, source and destination of > all information, > > How can you tell if the Man got you under surveillance?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  (0)\/(0)      Ten Subtle Hints That You Might      (0)\/(0) }    -----            Under Surveillance                ---- } } 10. Your bills all arrive on time, but your copies of "Worker's }     World" and "Smash the State" are always late and smell }     of cigarettes and Freedom Fries. } } 09. During certain times of the day you can hear Rush Limbaugh's }     show in the background of your overseas phone conversations. } } 08. The hair you placed on top of the box of RPG manuals in the }     garage to see if it has been moved is still there, but it's }     now curly and there's a can of Coke in the trash. } } 07. The Jehovah Witness people are knocking at the door more and }     more frequently, and as often as not when you're trying to }     apply the mud evenly on the hidden compartments on the bottom }     of your car. } } 06. Your PGP key has bits of wax stuck on it. } } 05. The keywords to your One Time Pad keep showing up in the }     local newspaper's crossword puzzle. } } 04. Your favorite dead drop suddenly has a donut shop built }     next door to it. } } 03. The neighbors seem really interested in star gazing on the }     same nights that you're releasing the carrier bats. } } 02. Every time you make a rolling stop at a Stop Sign, so does }     that black van with the big guys in it behind you. } } 01. The people at the radio station always know which song }     you're going to request to be played even before you }     ask, though only you and the guys in the submarine off }     shore are supposed to be that into "DEVO". } } You owe the Oracle a promise to swallow this email as soon } as you're done reading it.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> write me pls > xxxxxxx@xxxxxxxxxxx.com

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear xxxxxxx@xxxxxxxxxxx.com } } I am Zadoc Mbutu, former High Priest of the Oracle, who died suddenly } as a result of a woodchuck attack.  I am writing this letter to ask for } your support and cooperation to carry out a business opportunity in my } department.  My acolytes discovered a number of abandoned questions in } the Oracle's queue, approximately 15,000,000 of them. } } Since his death, we have been expecting the Oracle's next of Kin (Lisa) } to come over and put claims on these questions.  But unfortunately no } one has ever appeared to claim these questions, and I and other } officials have agreed to make business with you and release the } questions into your mail spool.  We have agreed that the ratio of } answers will be status thus: 20% for you to answer as a foreign } partner, and we will answer the remaining 80% ourselves.  I'm sure you } can see what a lucrative transaction this is for both of us. } } Note that this transaction must be STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL because of } its nature. } } I look forward to your quick response. } } Zadoc Mbutu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> should I leave my place to look for a better living?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well let's see how your life would change if you left to look for } a better living: } } Current                            Possible Future } ---------------------------------------------------------------------- } Job: COBOL programmer: fixing      Job: Park ranger: tending } bugs in mailing list software,     trails, monitoring wildlife, } enabling millions more pieces of   assisting lost hikers, fighting } junk mail to be sent.              wildfires. } } Diet: Fat free junkfood, diet      Diet: Fresh salads, braised leafy } soda, TV dinners, fast food, and   and roasted root vegetables, water, } highly processed food stuffs.      brown rice, varied beans and fruit. } } Physique: 450lbs (32 stone), bad   Physique: 220lbs (16 stone), mild } B.O., greasy hair, pale pimpy      musky scent, short hair, smooth well } skin, no muscle tone, and          tanned skin, chiselled body, and can } difficulty walking.                jog up steep hills carrying 200lbs. } } Salary: $60,000 to $80,000         Salary: $30,000 to $40,000 depending } depending on overtime available.   on relevant education. } } Residence: $2200-a-month one       Residence: $800-a-month log } bedroom, with an excellent view    cabin, excellent nature vista (with } (and loud sounds) of the elevated  animal sounds), walk to work and } train, walk to shops.              waterfalls. } } Other Expenses: ~$100/mn train,    Other Expenses: ~$200/mn food, } ~$600/mn food, ~$60/mn cable TV,   ~$200/mn utilities, ~$50/mn film, } ~$200/mn utilities, ~$200/mn       ~$100/mn gifts for girlfriend, and } beer, and $40/mn (more with        ~$500/mn into savings } overtime) into savings. } } Love life: minimal to none.        Love life: "spring in the forest" }                                    will include you. } } } Looks like you've little to lose but fat and TV and a lot of life to } gain. } } You owe the Oracle a good campsite reservation at Yosemite.