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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, please tell me: > Why is always after the washing-up one single teaspoon left?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, Supplicant! What an excellent question! } } The answer lies in the mysteries of our universe's quantum nature. } You may have heard that nature abhors a vacuum. It certainly does! } But what REALLY flies up nature's nose and twists is a clean kitchen. } It took quantum physicists awhile to take notice of this phenomenon } for several reasons, not least of which is that quantum physicists } tend toward the lazy end of the continuum when anyone can manage to } get a lousy erg of physical labor out of them at all. } } The second reason is more interesting. They, like you assumed the extra } teaspoon was Left Over!  Nothing could be further from the truth. } It wasn't left over; it was created to counterbalance the quantum } pressure generated by the precarious and unnatural state represented } by a clean kitchen.  As I said before, Nature really cannot tolerate } a clean kitchen. } } You can easily perform the experiment. Count your spoons before supper. } Afterwards, clean up REALLY well. (Of course, you're too wise to } expect any help from the physicists here). Drain the dish water, } wipe up the counter-tops sweep up and mop, and when you find the } "left-over" spoon, go count the rest of them. See? } } The folks of the Oneida community in Iowa have historically been so } obsessive-compulsive about washing up that they've called whole lines } of flat-wear into existence. You can buy them at Dayton's.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  "Two beer or not two beer" (by Shakespeare), why he using this drink >  in his classical phrase, may be better'll be if he use wine or vodka.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, vodka wasn't available in England in } Shakespeare's day, and if he'd used "wine" the line } would sound like "to whine or not to whine", and that } would just sound silly. } } Anyway, here's how the first draft of the scene went: } } HAMLET: Two beer, or not two beer, that is the } question. } } BARMAN: Nay! Thou canst bugger off, thou niggard! } For thy tab hath not been paid these three months. } Three pounds and ten thou owest, and I have not } received a single farthing. } } HAMLET: My good man, } Prithee show patience. I expecteth some money } Next week, and verily, then thou will be paid. } } BARMAN: Thou hath promised me payment many times, } And naught hath thou provided. Thou must seek } Some other place, for here thou shall get naught. } } Then somebody told Bill he really shouldn't write } after he'd been drinking. } } You owe the Oracle two beers.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      * * * * * * * * * * E = MCC * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * > >                Welcome to the Mr. Wizard Show! >      Where each week we explore the exciting world of Science > >      * * * * * * * * * * E = MCC * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * > > Mr. W. - Today we're going to explore the exciting world of - Mirrors! > And, we have six-year old Timmy visiting with us today. > > Mr. W. - Timmy, do you know what a mirror is? > > Timmy - Yea, you look at it, and it looks back at you; plus they're fun > to break with rocks! > > Mr. W. - Oh Timmy!  You should NEVER break a mirror; you could get a > piece of glass in your eye and go blind.  Besides, it gives you seven > years of bad luck. > > Timmy - You don't actually believe that seven years of bad luck crap do > you? > > Mr. W. - Well, no.  That's just folklore, and I'm a Scientist! > > Timmy - A scientist?  You're a dumb old fossil! > > (Mr. W. bends over and whispers in to Timmy's ear so the camera can't > hear it) - I was educated at Harvard University you little smart-ass. > > Timmy - So what?  That don't mean nothin'.  We covered mirrors in class > last year.  What do you wanna' know about 'em? > > Mr. W. - Look at the mirror Timmy.  Do you see how every thing is > reversed? > > Timmy - Every thing isn't reversed. > > Mr. W. - Yes it is, see how left and right are reversed?  Look, you > move your right arm, and it looks like your left arm is moving in the > mirror.  See? > > Timmy - Yea, what about top and bottom?  They're not reversed. > > Mr. W. - What? > > Timmy - Left and right are reversed, but top and bottom are not.  How > does the mirror know to reverse left and right, and not reverse top and > bottom? > > Mr. W. - Hummmm... (long pause, then Mr. W. tries to change the > subject)...  Now let's see what happens when we bounce a laser off a > mirror! > > Timmy - Hold it right there you phony.  I want an answer to my > question! How does the mirror know to reverse left and right, and not > reverse top and bottom? > > Mr. W. - Look kid; I've studied all of the greatest minds in Science - > Newton, Edison, Babbage, Einstein, even Steven Hawkins; they ALL say > that everything is reversed in a mirror.  Here... look.  (Mr.W. quickly > fumbles through an encyclopedia, then proudly pointing at an entry he > says)  Here!  See?  It says right here that EVERYTHING is reversed in a > mirror! > > Timmy - I'm not arguing whether a bunch of men who died in antiquity > said that or not; or if that's what the encyclopedia says.  I simply > look at the mirror and observe that everything is reversed in the > horizontal plane, NOT in the vertical plane; then I ask "WHY?" > > Mr. W. - So you're saying they're all wrong?  All the greatest minds of > Science - wrong? > > Timmy - I didn't say that - yet.  I examine the evidence and go where > it leads me.  If it turns out that 1000 years of Science is wrong, then > so be it.  A true Scientist doesn't come to a conclusion, then interpret > the evidence to fit that conclusion.  A true Scientist takes an unbiased > look at the evidence, THEN comes to a conclusion based on the evidence. > (Timmy rotates the mirror 90 degrees to one side.)  Hummm... it still > reverses left and right, and not top and bottom... must have something > to do with the molecular crystalline structure of the reflective coating > on the converse side of the glass substrate. > > Mr. W. - Molec... cryst...what?  (Mr. W. tries to save face and cover > his ignorance.)  So then, what is your conclusion? > > Timmy - That you're an idiot. > > Mr. W. - No, I mean about mirrors? > > Timmy - Oh.  I'm coming to the conclusion that 1000 years of Science is > wrong.  Mirrors do not reverse everything, only left and right.  Look > Mr. Harvard educated Wizard, I'm just a six-year-old kid and you're > SUPPOSED to be so smart - HOW does a mirror know to reverse left and > right, and NOT reverse top and bottom? > > Mr. W. - (pause, Mr. W. doesn't know what to do, so again he tries to > change the subject)  Ughhhh...  We'll be right back after this > commercial. > > (As soon as the camera cuts away, Mr. Wizard wipes the sweat off his > brow.  He's never been stumped before, especially not by a six-year-old. > During the commercial, Mr. Wizard frantically asks the scriptwriters, > and the on-site Scientific Consultant, but they don't know the answer > either.  Finally in desperation, he tries a few Scientific web Sites, > and gets some hits.) > > Mr. W. - Welcome back.  I was just showing little Timmy here that > mirrors don't reverse left and right, they reverse in and out.  Here > Timmy, I found some Web sites that PROVE that I'm right!  See, these two > pages right here explain that mirrors don't reverse left and right, they > reverse in and out.  (Mr. W. knows full well that he wasn't saying that > before the commercial, but he HAS to do something to save face.) > > Timmy - No they don't. > > Mr. W. - Yes they do! And it says so right here in these Web pages! > > Timmy - Those Web pages are wrong. > > Mr. W. - No, these Web pages are right. > > Timmy - No, they are wrong, and I can prove it.  When you're driving > your car and you look in the rear-view mirror and see an ambulance; when > it is closer it looks closer, and when it's further away it looks > further away.  How about that, you dumb old geezer!  Proof that mirrors > don't reverse in and out like those Web pages claim. > > Mr. W. - Ummm, well... you do have a point there. > > Timmy - AND if you look in your rear-view mirror you can read the word > "A M B U L A N C E", but if you look right at it you can't read it > because it's backwards!  The letters are not upside-down, just reversed > left to right.  PROOF that mirrors reverse left and right, and NOT up > and down! It also proves that you and those stupid Web pages are WRONG, > WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, W R O N G!!! > > (Mr. Wizard is thoroughly stumped; he's speechless.  His whole > self-image has been crushed by this bratty little six-year old. Mr. W. > thinks to him self - "How can this happen?  To ME of all people?  I was > the Valedictorian of my graduating class!  This can't be real... but it > is!  What will my teachers think?  What will my Mother think?!?!?!  I'll > never be able to face my friends again.  I'd rather die than be trumped > by a six-year old.  Oh my God, it's on TV, in front of EVERYONE! I will > never be able to show my face again; anywhere!"  A full minute goes by > while Mr. W. just stands there doing nothing but staring in to space. > Finally... he snaps out of it and tries to recover.) > > Mr. W. - Um... Welcome back.  Next we're going to see how mirrors are > used in telescopes! > > Timmy - Wait!  You haven't answered my question you stupid imposter! > You wanna' be.  You ain't no scientist; you're not even a good actor!  I > demand to know...  How does the mirror know to reverse left and right, > and not reverse top and bottom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mr W. - But wait!  We have a special Guest Star who can answer this } question. } } Timmy - Yeah, right. } } Mr W. - But we do and here he is - THE USENET ORACLE!! } } <camera switches to angle looking behind side-curtain, focuses on The } Oracle talking to a pretty redheaded p.a.> } } Oracle - ...but it's not just the tongue.  Sure, you get a reaction } licking around the edges, but you have to occasionally suck at the c - } oh, hey, the mike's gone live. } } Mr W. - And here's the Oracle. } } Oracle - Let's see, mirrors... } } Timmy - No, you can keep on with your other conversation if you want. } } Oracle - Won't help you, Timmy.  You're going to die a virgin way } before puberty.  Oh, drat, I wasn't supposed to tell you that. } } Mr W. - Umm... } } Oracle - Mirrors!  Ah yes!  Timmy, are you cold and rigid? } } Timmy - No... } } Oracle - Well, not yet anyway.  Yet your "reversed self" in the mirror } is.  Why? } } Timmy - Well, it's just an image, isn't it? } } Oracle - That's right.  So you're not reversed in a mirror - the image } the mirror shows is reversed. } } Timmy - But why? } } Oracle - Why what? } } Timmy - Why is the image reversed? } } Oracle - Timmy, which is your right arm? } } Timmy - This one. } } Oracle - And which is my right arm? } } Timmy - That one. } } Oracle - But you just pointed at different sides. } } Timmy - Yeah, but *my* idea of right is *your* idea of left because } you're facing me. } } Oracle - Just like the image in a mirror is facing you, right? } } Timmy - Yeah!  No, wait a minute. } } Oracle - Gotta go. } } Timmy - Hey, that doesn't work! } } Oracle - Places to be. } } Timmy - Hold up, you're wr- } } Oracle - Byeeeeeeee... } } <Oracle vanishes> } } Timmy - What a crock of s- } } <Oracle reappears> } } Oracle - Nearly forgot.  Keisha, here's my phone number.  Gimme a call } if you want a practical demonstration. } } <Oracle gives business card to pretty redheaded p.a. and vanishes while } Timmy is still spluttering>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Welcome back, you're listening to Oracle Radio. } Hello, you're on the air." } } > } } "Hello? Are you there?" } } > } } "Hello?" } } > } } "Nobody there. <click> Hello, you're on the air." } } > } } "Anyone there?" } } > } } "Try speaking into the mouthpiece." } } > } } <click> "Fine. Third time lucky... Say something." } } > } } "Ye gods, why did I take the midnight-to-dawn shift?" } } > } } "Last chance." } } > } } <click> "Zadoc, are you scaring off the callers?" } } "N-no, sir. They were here a minute ago." } } "You've got their numbers?" } } "Yes, sir." } } "Good. Add them to my 'To ZOT' list. Try line four." } } > } } "Come on, ten bucks if you say something." } } > } } "Oh, forget it. <click> One more try and then I'm } giving up. Talk to me or else." } } > "Hi, Orrie!" } } "Thank God!!! Finally, a real caller! Do you have a } question?" } } > "How much wo-" } } ZZZZZZZ     OOO     TTTTTTT   !!!   !!!   !!! }       Z    O   O       T      !!!   !!!   !!! }      Z    O     O      T      !!!   !!!   !!! }     Z     O     O      T      !!!   !!!   !!! }    Z      O     O      T      !!!   !!!   !!! }   Z       O     O      T      !!!   !!!   !!! }  Z        O     O      T       !     !     ! } Z          O   O       T } ZZZZZZZ     OOO        T       !     !     ! } } "Right, I'm packing it in for the night. Play last } week's show, or something. I'm going to have a drink. } What time is it?" } } "Eight past twelve." } } "Great. We'll catch the end of Letterman." } } You owe the Oracle a better time-slot.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise, > > as N increases, the number of possible factors > of N also increases, and thus the probability of it being > a prime number decreases. > For very large values of N, the probability of it being prime > thus approaches 0. > So, what is the largest prime number?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       _________ }      /         \ }     /   ______  \ }    |   /      \  | }    |__|        | | }                | | }                | | }               / / }              / / }             / / }            / / }           / / }          / / }         / / }        / / }       / / }      | | }      | |___________ }      |             | }      |_____________|. } } You owe the Oracle n pizzas, for very large values of n.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise, > > twist and shout !

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All right... } } *****YYYYYEEEEEOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!***** } } My back! My poor back! Oh, gods, the PAIN! } } ***groan*** } } You owe the Oracle the number of a good chiropractor.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ingenious and expedient Oracle, > > How does a Dark Tower differ from a spider filled tunnel?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In more ways than you'd think. It's probably easiest to explain using } an example. Here's the poet Robert Browning, looking for inspiration. } } - 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 - } }   There they stood, ranged along the hill-sides, met }   To view the last of me, a living frame }   For one more picture! In a sheet of flame }   I saw them and I knew them all. And yet }   Dauntless the slug-horn to my lips I set, }   And blew. "Childe Roland to the spider filled tunnel came." } } Hey, not bad! Oh no, wait a minute - one, two, three, four... Dammit! } It doesn't scan. Okay, what can we put in it's place... } }   And blew. "Childe Roland to the slug filled cave came." } } Better. Now, how does that read? There they stood, blah, blah, blah, } sheet of flame, blah, blah... Dammit! I used slug on the previous line. } Think, Browning, think! It had to be gloomy, menacing, } spine-tingling... } }   Childe Roland to his local Starbucks came. } } Dammit! Dammit! DAMMIT! } } "Robert, I'll thank you not to use such ungodly language in this } house!" } } But it's this stupid poem, Elizabeth darling. It's not working! } } "If you cannot keep a civil tongue in your head, I suggest you find } some other form of recreation." } } But... } } "No more buts. Or I shall be forced to take the same drastic measures } as last time." } } (gulp!) Yes, my angel. Hmmm... } }   Childe Roland to his wife's chamber came. } } Yeah, right - only if I want to die slowly and painfully. Wait a } minute, though, I think I've got something there. Child Roland to the } Evil Chamber came. No, the Grim Chamber. The Dank Chamber. The DARK } Chamber! No, even better - the Dark TOWER! } }   Dauntless the slug-horn to my lips I set, }   And blew. "Childe Roland to the Dark Tower came." } } That's it! It's bloody brilliant! I'm a sodding genius! } } "Robert, your language is uncouth beyond words! Very well, you've been } warned - I hereby revoke your conjugal rights for a whole fortnight!" } } - 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 - } } So you see, Supplicant, the difference between a Dark Tower and a } spider filled tunnel is five dammits, one bloody, one sodding and 14 } nights no nookie. } } You owe the Oracle a lark on the wing, a snail on the thorn and a reach } that exceeds his grasp.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most pop culturally attuned, > > Who is Orrie Soze?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An unusual suspect. } } You owe the Oracle a promise to be less verbal.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Bless the Oracle who gives straight judgements to strangers and to >  the men & women of the land, and goes not aside from what is just. >  And lucky those who mind the words of the Oracle, their cities >  flourishes, and the people prosper in it: Peace, the nurse of >  children, is abroad in their land, and cruel war against them >  happens not. > >  How does an orc differ from an Oakland Raiders fan?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Orcs                        Oakland Raiders fans } -------------------------   -------------------------- } } Ugly, smelly, human-like    Ugly, smelly, human-like } creatures                   creatures } } Use the foul Black Speech   Use foul language } } Prone to acts of violence   Prone to acts of violence } and destruction, enjoy      and destruction, enjoy } violent sport               violent sport } } Live in Orcland/Auckland,   Live in Oakland, } New Zealand (No, wait.)     California } } Team colours: black, red    Team colours: black and } and white                   white } } There you go. The difference is in the team colours. } } You owe the Oracle two tickets to the Uruk-Hai } Warriors - Oakland Raiders match.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> On Fri, 13 Jun 2003, The Internet Oracle wrote: > > The Internet Oracle is pondering your question. > > > > Expect an answer in a day or two.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ATHENS, Greece (AP) Fighting broke out today at the Temple of } the Internet Oracle on Mount Olympus as incarnations from several } Oracular denominations struggled for control of the question queue. } Witnesses claim that several incarnations were badly beaten and may } have been killed before the Oracle Himself appeared and restored order. } } Unrest has been growing between different factions of Oracle devotees } since control of the queue was taken over by a NATO peacekeeping force. } NATO Headquarters in Brussels has never given a clear reason for the } need to take control of the queue, but insists that it is necessary } to "maintain peace and stability among followers of the Oracle." } This has drawn harsh criticism and confused looks from such widely } varied administrations as the Vatican and IBM. } } "The Oracle's faithful have never, to my knowledge, shown any sign } of unrest," said Rupert Wilhelm, a political analyst with IBM's } European headquarters. "They seemed to be capable of maintaining } their own peace and stability. Sending in a peacekeeping force was } not at all necessary." } } Commanders of the peacekeeping force believed that they would } have been overwhelmed by the mob had it not turned against itself. } "We were preparing to withdraw as they approached," said one officer, } "until one group chanting 'tell me, tell me' was attacked by another } group chanting 'ask me, ask me.'" } } As fighting drew the mob away from NATO positions, the Oracle emerged } from His temple to survey the commotion. He turned briefly to the NATO } commander, mouthed the words 'I told you so,' and dispersed the crowd } with pyrotechnics from His staff. Afterwards he approached several } bodies lying on the ground and, with a wave of his staff and a kick } to the ribs, caused them to jump up and run away. } } Local hospitals report only minor injuries, primarily torn hair and } cracked ribs. The NATO commander said he'd take that into account } the next time Oracular incarnations attack. "The Oracle is certainly } a force to be respected," he said."But I guess His followers are a } bunch of wimps after all."