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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise, > > I want to have your baby.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Michael Jackson! We've told you more than once that the } maternity ward is not your private pick-up bar, leave } now or we'll be forced to call security.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh Oracle Most Wise, > >  It wasn't the Taliban, but we conquered Afghanistan. >  It wasn't Saddam (and he didn't have WMDs) but we conquered Iraq. >  Who's next on the list of innocent nations we're going to conquer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: Oh, you know that answer to that already. But, well, }         here. Follow me. . . } } [ Scene: A good ol' fashion Hoedown, good ol' boys swigging }   moonshine, gals in short cutoffs and tight blouses tied }   up in a bow beneath their buxomness are having a grand ol' }   time. Rummy is calling the steps. ] } } Rummy: Ya-Hoo! Grab yer self a terrorist }        drive him underground, }        drop a bunker buster and the bearded one is ground. }        Beef that is, dawg food. } } Crowd: Ya-hoo! } } Rummy: Stealths over Baghdad }        Carriers at sea }        Spinning cruise missiles }        splatter them bad guys to a dust that make ya sneeze! } } Crowd: Ya-hoo! } } Rummy: Allies with the Poles, }        the Spanish and Qatar }        Belly Up Boys! Free drinks at the. . . } } [ A bunch of peacenuts crash the party, day-glo painted }   faces, signs demeaning GW, waving placards showing a }   smiling Saddam patting a child on the head. Rummy }   doesn't miss a beat. ] } } Rummy: Everyone! Pair up with a human shield }        Strip `um to the bone }        spank on their bottoms, }        send 'um all home to their now tapped cell phones. } } Crowd: Ya-hoo! } } You owe the Oracle a plate of broken ribs.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me please, O Great One of Wisdom and Courage, how shall I make > more friends?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From the Home Office in Bloomington, Indiana, the top ten ways to } make friends... } } 10. Throw a cookout. Main course: Annoying Poodle Teriyaki. } 9.  Troll chatrooms under the name 17YrItchy. } 8.  Give out free "balloons" at the local bathhouse. } 7.  Six words: Bartender at the AA newbie orientation. } 6.  Make some brownies for the local teenagers. You know, brownies. } 5.  Start listening to the voices. They want to be your friends too. } 4.  Become a hypochondriac. Those EMTs will be your friends in no time. } 3.  Win the lottery and suddenly Fred, who beat you up in 5th grade, }     will remind you what good buddies you are, even though you haven't }     seen him in fifteen years. } 2.  Cats, cats, and more cats. } } And the number one way to make more friends: Photocopy pictures onto } construction paper and stick them on broomsticks so you can talk to } them while you eat dinner. } } You owe the Oracle a question that doesn't so readily descend into } bad taste.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello? Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can > hear me... is there anyone at home?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We don't need no Medication, } We don't need no pain control. } No Valium to ease our suffering, } Healer leave those wounds alone, } Hey  ! } Healer ! } Leave them wounds alone ! } } All in all I want another kick in the balls. } } You owe The Oracle the other 37 songs from the S&M hymn-book.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise, > > please supply a post-modernist critique of the international banking > system, > in the style of 'Beowulf' > Maximum 500 words. > By Tuesday.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have heard of the corporate Kings } in the old days and how } they were complete *ankers. } George, the son of Fred, } took many an enemy's share, } terrified many a businessman, } after he was found a monster. } He prospered over the small } until people everywhere } listened when he spoke. } He was a powerful man! } } George had his fun, } whores for his yard, } sent by a pimp } to comfort the rich man, } to keep him from loneliness-- } skimpy were their clothes; } they were famous } throughout the land. } But then there was a problem-- } Whilst abroad } as they were still young } they wanted new shoes } he would support them } in time of shoelessness. } A man prospers } by good deeds } in any nation. } } George tried to send by net, } connection was strong. } His people carried him to the sea, } to a net cafe. } In the harbor stood } a well-built place, } grungy but ready for surfing. } They went inside, } he logged in to the bank } full of gold } and treasure from distant lands. } I've never heard } of a richer man, } he got ready to send, } he keyed in the amount } and sent it for a trip. } No doubt he had a little more } than he sent to the girls } but when the data was sent, } a naked orphan in an empty boat. } with a laptop computer } intercepted it, } and lived a rich life, } moved from the sea. } and the corporate king } became very poor. } } You owe the oracle... a beautiful ship, filled with shields, swords, } and coats of mail

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise, > > WMD or not WMD, that is the question.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dude, either go work for the Waste Management Division or don't, } but waxing poetic over it ain't goin' to fly with the guys on } the truck. Trust me on that one. } } You owe the Oracle a six pack of cheap beer.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and discreet Oracle, > > I am thinking of quitting my day job so that I can fight crime > full-time.  I am having some trouble figuring out how I'll fund the > operation, however.  The idea of robbing evil-doers, though ironic, > nonetheless leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth.  Any suggestions? > > Thanks, > The Caped Supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gotham City (TIO_News) -- Once again AOLTIMEWARNER_MAN saved } the city from evil. AOLTIMEWARNER_MAN (formerly known as KFC_MAN, } and before that RAMTOUGHDODGETRUCK_MAN) said only this as he } dropped off yet another evil person at jail, "Now I'm off to } watch Friends(tm) and then read Time(tm) magazine, then I'll } log on to AOL and look for clues!" With that AOLTIMEWARNER_MAN } flew up into the air leaving only a swirling cloud of 50% off } coupons for the next Harry Potter(tm) DVD in his wake.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What ever happened to Loki's mom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm. I'd better check with him. } } <ring, ring> } LOKI: Hello? } ORRIE: Loki! Hi, how are you? } LOKI: I'm bloody bored, that's how I am! "Come on, be a god in } NetHack", they said. "It'll be great", they said. "You can get the } Amulet of Yendor", they said. Who do I get worshipping me? Nothing } but disaffected Valkyries and the occasional elven bloody Priest. Why } couldn't I get a good class, like Rogues? Look at the smug bastard } Kos, such a cushy bloody number he's got... } ORRIE: Um, Loki... } LOKI: Even Rangers would be good. Hey, you know, I'd like to throw } Stormbringer out once in a while. Do I ever get a bloody chance? Do I } hell! } ORRIE: Loki... } LOKI: I mean, most of those Valks aren't even good-looking. It's no } bloody fun in my position, I'm telling you. } ORRIE: Loki, shut up a minute! I've got a question to ask. } LOKI: What? } ORRIE: How's your mom? } LOKI: My mom?! } ORRIE: Yeah, you know, Laufey. What happened to her? } LOKI: Hell, I dunno. Just sitting around waiting for Ragnarok for all } I know. } ORRIE: Well, you're not much of a son, are you? Never visit, never } even call, I'll bet. } LOKI: Is that what you called me about? To talk about my bloody } mother? } ORRIE: Well, it's a supplicant you see. Wants to know what happened } to her. } LOKI: Who cares? Just give 'em a bloody ZOT, already. } ORRIE: Come on. That's just a cheap cop-out, and you know it. } LOKI: Hey, man, cheap cop-outs are what I do best. } ORRIE: True... } LOKI: Besides, I bet they didn't even grovel. } ORRIE: No, they- Hey, you're right! They didn't grovel! The cheap } little sod! } LOKI: So what are you going to do? } ORRIE: Oooh, they're getting such a big ZOT... } LOKI: Great. Have fun. See ya around... } ORRIE: Bye. <click> } } Well, let this be a lesson to you. } } *<*ZOT!!!*>*

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, capable of discerning even the > minutest fraction of a thought that I might have, > please ZOT! me not and answer me this petition. > > Oracle, Oracle, quite all-knowing, how does your > garden grow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} With statistical curves of an argent variety, a small, } lightweight boat and a team of physically attractive } virgins standing in an approximate solution of a } one-dimensional equation. } } You owe the Oracle a small flower, charred remains, } and an involuntary stoppage of standing upright.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose "length" of insight is matched only by your "girth" of > wisdom (if you know what I mean..): > > Should I switch jobs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Switching jobs is good for a "breadth" of fresh air.  However, as many } in the "height"-ech industry have found, tenure prevents pink slips. } So you may want to "weight" before deciding to switch. } } You owe the Oracle a "depth"-ong.