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1338, 1338-01, 1338-02, 1338-03, 1338-04, 1338-05, 1338-06, 1338-07, 1338-08, 1338-09, 1338-10

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most full of greatness, > > Recently I have seen w**dch*cks climbing trees in my backyard.  Being > so fat, they looked like they were going to fall off, but they did not. > I have never heard of such a thing before.  Tell me, O wise one, have > w**dch*cks always climbed trees, or is the beginning of a new race of > w**dch*cks which will annoy you even more?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Rockaby, woodchuck, in the treetop, } When the wind blows, the woodchuck will drop. } When the bough breaks, the branches will fall, } And crush the poor woodchuck, } Who can't chuck them at all.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear wonderful Oracle, > > from one of your last answers I owe you to remind you of why you > decided to become an electrician. > > Have you forgotten the fun? The fantastic lightshows you get when high > voltage arches through ionized Air? The "Wham!", "Wham!", "Wham!" when > the circuit breakers react? The betting-rounds on how much bits of > aluminum-chocolate-wrapper you need to fix a 16-Amps fuse? The little > droplets of molten metal you get when you short-circuit two > large-diameter cables? You could interpret these and tell the future > from them... > Or the fun you can have with customers -  telling them that nightlights > are dangerous for their children because that phosphorous glow is > highly radioactive? Or billing them 4 hours for "searching the packet > that dropped out of the token-ring network"? The faces of managers if > you walk around their building telling them of all the breaches of > safety-at-work-standards you are finding *in this room alone*?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wow, supplicant, I'm... floored.  Speechless.  Flabbergasted. } } In all the years, I don't think any supplicant has ever actually taken } the "payment" seriously and followed up on it.  I don't know what to } say... I'm touched, really! } } Oh yeah, the electrician stuff.  That doesn't really matter... I don't } have to "become" anything, really, I can just be an electrician if I } want to.  I am omnipotent, remember.  And you don't really think I } could maintain the Staff of *Zot* in working order without a fairly } extensive knowledge of electricity, do you? } } You owe the Oracle $25,000.  Let me give you my paypal account number.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am a rock, I am an island.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, you can't be both. This quiz will help } you decide with a mere, five quick questions. } } * Are you surrounded by water? } } 1) Yes } 2) No } 3) I don't know } 4) I am filled with blood which is kind of }    like salt water if you think about it. } } * Can you be heaved by an able bodied human? } } 1) No way! } 2) Yes } 3) Heaved? } 4) I heave after drinking too much. } } * Can you smash a pair of scissors, and yet }   be smothered by a sheet of paper? } } 1) No } 2) Why yes, I can be. } 3) Huh? } 4) I'm not allowed to use scissors } } * Could Marines storm you in an amphibious }   assault? } } 1) Yes, but I'd rather they didn't. } 2) Well yeah, but it'd be over kill. } 3) Amphibious? } 4) Ohh, that'd be naughty! But what the hey, }    bring them on! } } * What do you think of "Gilligan's Island"? } } 1) Yeech! } 2) Mary-Ann was hot! } 3) A high water mark in TV history! } 4) Ever notice the weird Vatican symbolism }    interweaved into each episode? }   ======================================= } } If you answer four or more "1"s then it is a } good bet you are an island, rocky perhaps, but } still an island. } } If you answer four or more "2"s then rest } assured that you are a mere rock. No, being in } a puddle doesn't make you an island. } } If you answer four or more "3"s then you aren't } really a rock, just dumb as a rock. Fret not, } you have lots of company out there in the world. } } If you answer four or more "4"s then you should } be left on an island for the good of mankind. } } If you didn't answer four or more of any given } number, then you're a normal enough human. Since } the supplicant was a rock and can't pay a tribute } it falls to you to pay up; You owe the Oracle a } coconut, a sheet of paper, and a cattle prod.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and supreme Oracle, whose knowledge of l33+sp33k exceeds that > of every lam3r in the known and unknown universe, please answer this > humble supplicant's question. > > With digest #1337 coming soon, how many l33t jokes will we be liable to > see in the oracularities selected?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} DUDE! Look, this is the working rough of 1337! I hacked } into the Oracle data-base & ripped it! DUDE! ENJOY! } } } ------------------------------ } } Date: Fri, 10 Oct 03 17:19:32 -0500 } } From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu> } } Subject: Internet Oracularity #1337-01 } } } } Selected-By: "Perl Kelly" <hash@mindsprang.com> } } } } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } } Your question was: } } } } > DUDE! } } > } } > I g0T R00t!! } } } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } } } Like I carrot. } } } } ------------------------------ } } Date: Fri, 10 Oct 03 17:19:33 -0500 } } From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu> } } Subject: Internet Oracularity #1337-02 } } } } Selected-By: EOF <eof@127.0.0.1> } } } } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } } Your question was: } } } } > I 60t y3R p355w0rD! Byt3 M3! } } } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } } } That's where it is! I've had to play Monopoly all } } } week. Thanks for locating it. } } } } } } You owe the Oracle a nasty overbyte. } } } } ------------------------------ } } Date: Fri, 13 Jan 02 17:19:34 -0500 } } From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu> } } Subject: Internet Oracularity #1337-03 } } } } Selected-By: "Chewed Hair" <antibarber@messyhead.net> } } } } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } } Your question was: } } } } > W153 0r4c13, U r0CK! } } > D0 U H4t3 C4Mp3rz 2? } } } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } } } I never even saw the first "Campers", I'm not } } } really into current films much. } } } } } } You owe the Oracle an advance copy of Half-Life 2. } } } } ------------------------------ } } Date: Fri, 10 Oct 03 17:19:34 -0500 } } From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu> } } Subject: Internet Oracularity #1337-04 } } } } Selected-By: AX0R <ax0r@ax0r.org> } } } } > Oh, you need more disk space? User name? } } > <clickety-click> } } } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } } } All your cliches belong to us. } } } } ------------------------------ } } Date: Fri, 10 Oct 03 17:19:35 -0500 } } From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu> } } Subject: Internet Oracularity #1337-05 } } } } Selected-By: "PR315T" <pr315t_432@aol.com } } } } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } } Your question was: } } } } > H0W muCh w00D c0u1D a L33t H4X0R. . . } } } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } } } Last thing anyone that calls themselves a H4X0R } } } has to worry about is their wood getting out of } } } hand... if you know what I mean. } } } } ------------------------------ } } Date: Fri, 10 Oct 03 17:19:36 -0500 } } From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu> } } Subject: Internet Oracularity #1337-06 } } } } Selected-By: N0l4n <n014n@home.net> } } } } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } } Your question was: } } } } > /dev/null } } } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } } } And another bit bytes the bus . . . } } } } ------------------------------ } } Date: Fri, 10 Oct 03 17:19:37 -0500 } } From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu> } } Subject: Internet Oracularity #1337-07 } } } } de-selected-by: 404 <ERROR> } } } } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } } Your question was: } } } } > Wh3r3 c4N 1 F1ND Pr0N? } } } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } } } 127.0.0.1 } } } } ------------------------------ } } Date: Fri, 10 Oct 03 17:19:38 -0500 } } From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu> } } Subject: Internet Oracularity #1337-08 } } } } Selected-By: "AOL_BABE" <AOL_BABE_1372@aol.com> } } } } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } } Your question was: } } } } > So this hacker walks into a bar. . . } } } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } } } 4ND s3Z "I OWNZ U!" } } } } ------------------------------ } } Date: Fri, 10 Oct 03 17:19:48 -0500 } } From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu> } } Subject: Internet Oracularity #1337-09 } } } } Selected-By: "AOL_BABE" <AOL_BABE_1372@aol.com> } } } } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } } Your question was: } } } } > Hey, look at this cool screen saver in this } } > attachment! } } } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } } } NO CARRIER. . .

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Why do you say the things you say?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why do you say the things you say? } Did you fall out the wrong side of bed today? } Or look at your hair and find one turned grey? } Oh, why do you say the things that you say? } } Why do you do the things that you do? } Like holding you breath until you turn blue. } Did somebody put a rock in your shoe? } Oh, why do you do the things that you do? } } Why do you eat the things that you eat? } Onions and garlic and fuzzy green meat. } Your breath always smells like dirty, wet feet. } Oh, why do you eat the things that you eat? } } Why do you wear the things that you wear? } With your gut sticking out, all covered with hair. } Just who do you think will find you quite fair? } Oh, why do you wear the things that you wear. } } Why do I rhyme the things that I rhyme? } Like lime and slime and grime and mime. } Have I nothing better to do with my time? } Oh, why do I rhyme the things that I rhyme?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are the tree's turning to fall colours if the temperature hasn't > changed since the beginning of September?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Think about it! It'd look really, really weird if the } trees were parading around between Halloween and } Thanksgiving in pastel summer dresses and light weight } white linen suits no matter how warm it might be. Come } Fall, more somber attire is simply a must if you don't } want to look sadly out of step. } } You owe the Oracle the name of Treebeard's tailor.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle, > > What's up with those new mice that have the lasers in them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Los Angeles, CA (TIO-News) Embattled citizens of Los } Angeles are in their fifth day of heavy fighting against } the hordes of laser armed mice that have brought Western } Civilization to its knees over the last two months. } } "It's awful, the damn things are so small and so fast," } said Audrey Horne, 22, one of the many now one eyed } citizens of Los Angeles, "no sooner do you get a bead } on one of the little peckers and ZAP-ZAP-ZAP ten more } of them pop out of the woodwork and try and fry your } eyes right outta yer head with those damn little lasers } of theirs!" } } Los Angelenos knew their city was marked for the next } onslaught when the now tell-tale signs of a planned } laser mice attack showed up. "My little Fluffy stumbled } into the house, all her fur singed off and 'Death to } the Human Overlords' etched on to her skin," said Leo } Johnson, age 32. "And then almost over night the city } was out of cheese. We knew we were next."

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The long march has ended, I am where I want to be. I am > before the Wise Oracle, I bow low and speak my mind, > > Can education in California get any worse?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Children, this is your new English teacher, Mr. Schwarzenegger."

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how do impov my spelin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} u need reliz dat publik ejakashun ov today not care about spelin } care bout havin gud self estem and biin gud cityzen an not askin } tu mani kwestionz

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh great one, i have a very serious problem. i am living in colombia > and i have 2 children in canada. i have been separated from them > because of some bad circumstances that were out of my and thier > control. i know they use the internet and have addresses but i dont > know what they are. could you please help me and tell me how to find > my babies. thankyou, shelagh.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh great, now parrots have `Net access.