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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear wonderful Oracle whom I consult far more often than wikipedia, > > There is plonk. There is XXXX. Please tell me about the other great > cultural achievements of Australia.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Australia's greatest cultural achievement is become the very } incarnation of a fad.  This has been going on since its inception, and } Australia has been, not merely produced, but been, one fad after } another.  Once the English decided to send all unsavory criminals to } Australia, everyone established little penal islands, for no apparent } reason, and stopped almost as suddenly.  Once Australia discovered } alternate uses for sheep, everyone started doing it, a practice now } limited to those places where popular culture never fully penetrates, } like Scotland, New Zealand, and West Virginia.  Crocodile Dundee came } and went.  Then came and went. Then came and went again.  Yahoo } Serious, Koala bears, and countless others have charmed foreigners, } only to be discarded just as quickly. Soon, Vanity Fair will run an } article on America's on-again, off-again romance with Australia; that, } too, will be forgotten. } } You owe the Oracle a pet dingo before everyone wants one.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, > > Why do I get more points for making a contract in spades than a > contract in clubs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, you need the concept of turnips.  In the game of submaroon } one of the suits can be designated as turnip.  It loses, regardless } of the number of them you hold, when it adds to more than the full } moon.  If the moon contracts, however, (and that's why the game is } sometimes called contract submaroon or contract moon for short), } then each of the five suits must be evaluated in turn, by yelling } and shouting.  The ranking of the suits, normally spades, hearts, } pitchforks, diamonds and clubs, can be altered in several ways, } none of them obvious to the neophyte.  On the other hand, if spades } or pitchforks are the turnip suit, it pays to dig into your pocket } for that extra card you have hidden for special occasions.  The } sudden appearance of the ace of spades or the seventeen of pitchforks } can spell the difference between a slow and boring game, and a } fast and rowdy one.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, > > I just saw the Truman Show, and it's got me thinking about my own life. > > Basically, what I'm wondering is, am I really the governor of > California but don't know it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Give it up Gray. You lost by a landslide.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The world's museums hold but a wee fraction of a percentage of > the things the Oracle knows about, The Oracle is capable of > thinking more consequential thoughts in a second than a crowd > of human scientists could conceived in two lifetimes, > > Why has the room next door slowly filled with junk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What?  Huh?  Well, I'll be!  Where did all this come from?  A bust of } President Garfield?  A 1435 Hz oscillator?  A Russian "space" pencil? } People have started sending in their tribute!  I'm flabbergasted. } } You owe the Oracle a French Maid.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh glorious oracle whose munificence and magnamity surpass human > understanding, I beseech you to tell me: > > Why is the earth flat? You would have thought that the great creating > cyberbeing would know that a sphere is a more geometrically efficient > object than a cube.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If the world were spherical, maps would either have to have latitude } and longitude lines meet at odd angles, or to overemphasize the area of } countries such as Greenland. } } The first option would have been disasterous for sailors.  The second } would have ticked off Africa. } } Besides, a perfectly spherical planet would have turned oblong due to } the effects of gravity anyway. } } And that's why the Earth is flat. } } You owe the Oracle an accurate globe.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where can I get a new mast for my boat, > without getting shafted?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ho, ho. } } The Oracle, like everyone else, gets "those" emails. } } Subject: GET A HUG3 MA$T FA$T!!!! } Subject: Want a Schooner that'll make her a swooner }          sooner? } Subject: A VAST MAST "MATIES" AWAIT U!!! } Subject: Discreet Riggings, Vertical Spars R US } Subject: FRIGATE PHOTOS! GIB JOB PICS! 838jjd2j } Subject: Wanta Mast You Can hang a Crow's NEst }          ON? --click here- } Subject: Walk ME PLANK Northerner! A Mast for }          a Yank! } Subect: Yar hAR! You'll POP a Vessel, OAR YER }         $$ BACK! Huge MAST GUARENTTED! } } Pirate Porn, it's everywhere. . . } } You owe the Oracle some dessert and an isle.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most fluffy of pillow and warm of blankie... > > I couldn't sleep last night. Is it true there's no rest for the wicked?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, as a candle such as yourself, I'm sure you've seen first hand } the horrors of the studious scholar. } } Indeed, being omniscient, the Oracle can imagine the pain that you } suffer when lit on fire and forced to stand still amid a downpour of } melted wax.  Unfortunate as it is, these cruel studiers hardly even } think about the feelings of their enlightening companions, leaving } you aflame all through the night. } } But fear not, brave candle, for you shall not be wicked forever, } and eventually you will melt down, and then you shall be able to take } your deserved rest in a landfill. } } You owe the Oracle admission to a wax museum.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle of deepest blue and shimmering green highlights... > > Orrie, I'm very sad today. How do you suggest I cheer myself up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      :) :) Ten Ways to Cheer Yourself UP :) :) } } 10. Pretend you're someone else. Enough of being }     a loser already, be someone that people would }     care if they lived or died. } } 09. Buy yourself a huge diamond or a jet. Nothing }     like a gift to show yourself how valuable you }     are. While useless others have to make do with }     anything less, YOU will have a gift worthy of }     someone worthwhile! } } 08. Have lunch with a world famous celebrity! Hang }     out with Liv Tyler, go bowling with Colonel Briggs, }     see a film with Mustaf Glandor. Then laugh at the }     dumb as dirt proles that don't even know who those }     people are, yet alone know them well enough to be }     with them! } } 07. Run 25 miles each morning. The exercise is secondary }     to the warm glow you'll feel knowing that there are }     literally TONS of dullards out there that can't run }     up a flight of steps without wheezing, but not you, }     YOU ARE SOMEONE SPECIAL! } } 06. Write a best selling novel. Don't hide all that talent }     under a bushel basket. Besides it's fun going on }     Letterman. } } 05. Take a couple of years off to study mediation in }     Tibet, or surf Maui, or hike across the Sahara. }     Let the wage slaves work, YOU deserve time spent }     doing things exciting and grand. } } 04. Develop a cancer cure. Saving others from a life }     of pain will give you a warm fuzzy glow. } } 03. Win a Nobel Prize. } } 02. Explore Mars. } } 01. Sit around the house stuffing food in your face }     feeling sorry for yourself. } } You owe the Oracle a bag of potato chips.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is president of China?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes he is. } } What you owe the Oracle is on second.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most Wise, > > Is it true that holding my breath for ten minutes will make me turn > purple?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, no, no. The best you can do is turn red, then blue, and that does } not take anywhere near ten minutes. Then your body relaxes, no matter } how hard you try, and when your eyes open you are pink again. Colorful, } but not what you were looking for. } } You would only turn purple if somebody else held your breath, long } after you turned blue. That is Not A Good Thing. I do not recommend it } for most people. } } You should stay away from the carbon monoxide thing, too. Turns out the } resulting pretty red color does not happen until it is far too late for } you to see it. } } Body paints work at least as well and are more fun. Yes I know, as } performance art it has been done, but that is the point: you get to do } it again and again. You might even get good at it. } } You owe The Oracle some body paints, and a few good canvases.