Goto:

1340, 1340-01, 1340-02, 1340-03, 1340-04, 1340-05, 1340-06, 1340-07, 1340-08, 1340-09, 1340-10

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, > > Emerson + Thoreau = ? > Sqrt(Bach) = ? > Melville^Poe = ? > Mozart * Gothe = ? > Monet % Frost = ? > Dickens | Wordsworth = ? > Bush - Cheney = ? > grad(Perlman) = ? > Torvalds & Gates = ? > Zadoc / Lisa = ? > inf(Darwin) = ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > Emerson + Thoreau = ? } } Emeril.  BAM! } } > Sqrt(Bach) = ? } } 54.6626014748658  (Bac in hex translates to 2988 in decimal) } } > Melville^Poe = ? } } Hellville } } > Mozart * Gothe = ? } } Go-Kart } } > Monet % Frost = ? } } Warmth } } > Dickens | Wordsworth = ? } } Heheheheheh you said "Dickens" } } > Bush - Cheney = ? } } -Cheney } } > grad(Perlman) = ? } } C++man } } > Torvalds & Gates = ? } } However you slice it, they're both nerds. } } > Zadoc / Lisa = ? } } I'd rather multiply with Lisa than divide her. } } > inf(Darwin) = ? } } Darlose

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle.  Two questions.  How many?  When?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} About 40,000 of them. Right about...[KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK]... now. } } The Oracle owes you his sympathies, Mr Bartman.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  The Oracle is wisdom, The Oracle is Knowledge Manifest. The >  Oracle is truthful and kind and forgiving and fuzzy, > >  Why did Horus decide to play hockey?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} He was baited by his brother Seth, who taunted "heh, yeah, sure } you're a tough guy with the sword and all, but I bet I'd knock } your teeth out in a nice friendly game of hockey".  It took some } doing, getting a section of the Nile to freeze over enough to } practice, but Horus now feels ready to join the Washington } Capitols (with their nice falcon emblem, they can't be all bad, } right?) and take on the Seths and the Gretskys of the world.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Wise Oracle who never mistypes, > Thou dost not use the DELETE button; > Thou knowest when grapes are ripe. > Thou knowest the fundamentals of mutton. > > Thy wisdom is coveted by all; > None is as wise as thee. > Thy knowledge shall not fall. > Thy Supplicants in thee are free.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Once and for all, stop with that stuff about "the fundamentals of } mutton"!  I told you: yes, I was in Montana at the time, but that was } somebody else! I was in Missoula, 200 miles away! } } Now be off with you. Go hassle that guy with the gerbils or something. } } You owe The Oracle a pair of ferrets. And a sword. And a furry } loincloth. Always wanted one of those.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Orrie, > > I just wanted to say: I'm all hyped up for the release of 1339.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, well, I can understand that since you're not omniscient like me. } I find the whole thing rather boring since I already know what's going } to be in it. } } But do you care?  Oh, no!  Your feeble mind cannot begin to comprehend } what omniscience is like.  But ironically, being omniscient means I } know what it's like to be non-omniscient.  I don't know how you stand } it. } } Incidentally, your question will *not* be appearing in 1339. } } You owe the Oracle a precisely measured ounce of sympathy.  No more, } no less.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Oracle..  You're so great, yada yada yada. > > I'm about to start running a Vampire rpg campaign, and I need ideas for > about 20 NPCs. > > Could you just give me a neat story about a person (vampire or not) who > will live in my world? > > That'd be great. > Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Once upon a time there was a vampire called Sally. One day she woke up } and looked outside. It was dark and the stars were out. "Oh, good," } thought Sally, "It's night time." So she went outside. } } Outside Sally saw her neighbour Mary. "Hello, Mary," said Sally. "Nice } night, isn't it?" } } "Night?" said Mary. "It's the middle of the day. It's a solar eclipse. } Isn't it marvellous?" } } "Eclipse?" said Sally. } } "Yes," said Mary. "It should be ending very soon now." } } Just then, the moon began to move away from the sun's face, and } daylight broke through. } } "Oh, bugger," said Sally. And Sally crumbled into dust. } } You owe the Oracle a SPF2000 sunscreen for vampires.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise, > > in recent times, I have had two answers to questions > that have been both comprehensible, and useful. > > Has there been a change in policy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, as you can see by a careful re-reading of your question } it is still standard policy for supplicants to complain no } matter what kind of answer they get. Thank you. } } You owe the Oracle a break.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> dear Oracle > why dus that monky not like me?????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Calculating Clue Index: } } Grovel: "dear Oracle", -3 points } Capitalization: only 1 capitalized word, -2 points } Capitalized word is "Oracle", +1 point } Spelling mistakes: 2, -4 points } Question marks used: 4 surplus, -20 points } Grammatical errors: none, +5 points } Didn't use MIME or HTML: +10 points } } Total format marks: -14 points } } Question content: } Mildly amusing. No references to in-jokes. No references to culture. } Tenuous reference to science. } 11 points. } } Total Clue Index of supplicant: -3. } } Clue Index of monkey (estimated): 1. Monkey has more clue than the } supplicant. } } So the answer is, the monkey doesn't like you because you get more } computer time, and it feels slighted because it thinks all you use the } computer for is trivia like asking silly questions to omniscient } beings. And it's right. } } You owe the monkey a copy of NetHack 3.4.2.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oraclemostwisewhocanreadanythingcoherantstopitwouldseemthatsomeonehas > stolenallthekeysexceptthelettersandnumbersfrommykeyboardstopcanyouhelp > stop

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When she told you she was leaving because she needed } more space, she wasn't kidding.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When the small crime where he became dirty us and bad > everything is known simultaneously all fear in the honeycomb > of the avaricious scorpion which shoots the dead light ray > from the Oracle their tail where the sweetest coating and > has been attached someone? The method of turning the > intestine whose s is large us from you, in addition, the > answering in most chewy centers which and me pursue > the secret of the art where wondrously conversation is gone > and, have known. Does everything when why translating that > from Japanese and the back section for the second time from > English, really become incomprehensible?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For the last time, Mr Joyce, we're not interested } in your manuscript for "Finnegan's Wake: Part Two". } } You owe the Oracle an interview with Thomas Pynchon.