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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do I have the flue?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let us find out. Hand me that andiron, and bend over. } } You owe The Oracle a good flashlight, and a chimney brush.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How was Barney created

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alright, Baby Bop, the gig is up.  I already knew that you were } planning on a mutiny, but asking the Internet Oracle for help is going } too far. } } First you started small, trying to get the children to sing harmony } instead of unison on the clean-up song, raising doubts about Barney's } leadership ability behind his back. } } But then you started organizing secret meetings with the kids, making } unprovable allegations against your purple leader, questioning his } competence at every decision, even refusing to let him on the jungle } gym.  You've been gathering a cadre of supporters, trying to use peer } pressure to lure the children into backstabbing Barney. } } Now, you're going too far, trying to go back to the Big Purple's } origins (thinking that I wouldn't know who was asking me about them!) } in order to use that knowledge to destroy him.  You know that he's } invincible, except that that one thing that created him can be used to } annihilate him also. } } But I've seen through your plan from it's beginning -- I'm omniscient, } remember?  So, go ahead and search for the purple kryptonite -- you'll } never find it, because I have collected it all and placed in the care } of the one person whom you'll never be able to survive in the presence } of ... Stephen Hawking. } } I'm going to be generous here and cut you a deal.  End your scheme now, } tell the children it was all a mistake, stand behind Barney all the } way, and nobody gets hurt.  Otherwise, I'm going to *ZOT* you during } the show, right in front of all of the children -- and nobody wants to } see that.  Capiche? } } You owe the Oracle 15 choruses of "I love you, you love me."  But } quietly, so I don't have to hear them.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've become somewhat anti-social towards fellow geeks (if a geek > could ever be considered social, even to other geeks). The problem > is that they like to give out their email addresses. This would not > strike one as being a problem, except that I always feel like they are > talking about me. I mean come-on, why do they always have to include > me in their email address?  This problem seems to grow worse as my > addiction to nethack grows worse.  But where else can I turn? > > Your humble supplicant, > @

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear @, } } Since, I, the Oracle am a fellow geek, I can understand how you could } feel this way.  But, I assure you, it's only because you've missed } the point entirely.  Being geeks, we're just not quite social enough } to have filled you in because we were afraid of causing a long } discussion that didn't involve the finer points of C++ or the } benefits of using Programmable Gate Arrays instead of customized logic. } } It all goes back to that one single National Order of Geeks Annual } Symposium (NO GAS) that you missed back in 1990.  Do you remember } that?  Something about your sister getting married and your mom being } really upset if you didn't go, if I recall correctly.  Anyway, you } probably didn't think it was important at the time, but that was the } year we were selecting the most revered all-time Geek and finding a } way to honor him.  YOU were the one to win the vote.  In your honor, } it was decreed that all Geeks would forever honor your name with each } e-mail they sent! } } In fact, per the Geek Code of Honor, any Geek who doesn't honor you } thusly is forever banished from Geekdom, destined to use only AOL } where the only people he is allowed to e-mail are fellow non-geek AOL } users because they can mail each other just with their names. } } You owe the Oracle a working original vintage TI-30 with the red LED } numbers.  (You do realize that the "TI" in that calculator name } stands for my first and middle names, right? } } Sincerely, } } The Internet ("TI") Oracle

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I already know all the old bagpipe jokes.  And of course you > know them, too.  But you (being especially omniscient) also > know all the NEW bagpipe jokes, the ones I've never heard. > > Now I understand that none of these jokes, the old ones or > the new ones, are acceptable in Scotland.  Scots merely gaze > as if insulted when hearing one.  But that won't stop me, or > you either.  Please tell me half a dozen new bagpipe jokes.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Q: What's the difference between a new bagpipe and }    beta version of Micro$oft's 128bit "Neo-XP for }    Survivors -- Approved by the World Council of Allah"? } } A: When Neo-XP suffers a sudden and unexpected crash }    no one stands up and cheers. } }      #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# } } Q: Why did the new bagpipe get a higher safety rating }    than the Ford-D_Benz-AOL Pinto [Firefly Edition] }    Two Cylinder Hybrid Town Vehicle? } } A: A new bagpipe's airbag only hurts your ears when it }    deployed instead of emitting a lethal cloud of toxic }    gas that instantly erodes the batteries under the }    driver's seat killing everyone in the immediate area. } }      #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# } } Q: How does a Scotsman with a new bagpipe differ from a }    hologram projection image of a vintage Rolling Stone's }    concert from the last millennium? } } A: The Rolling Stone hologram contains the line "Hey you, }    get off of my cloud!",  while a Scotsman says "Hey }    McLeod, get off of my ewe!" } }      #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# } } Q: What do a new bagpipe and a BragGORT Weapons Vessel }    in asynchronous orbit around Telvor-4 have in common? } } A: Both produce deadly drones. } }      #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# } } Q: Why didn't Satan allow any of the 72 Mao clones }    to take a new bagpipe with them into hell? } } A: He didn't want the other genocidal maniacs to }    hear anything that sounded worse than the Maos' }    screams as -they- were ground up in steel bowls }    full of glass slivers and putrid yak intestines. } }      #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# } } Q. What's the definition of "optimism"? } } A. A man who buys both a new bagpipe and a SONY }    Surround-with-Sound Two Way Image/Audio X32b }    and thinks someone is going to call him. } }      #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# } } You owe the Oracle a different future and an octopus } in pajamas.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I, madam, I, made radio -- so I dared! Am I mad? Am I?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Some would say it's Marconi, but other know it was Tesla.  Only } you and I suspect Napolean on his way to Elba. } } You owe the Oracle an emordnilap.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle; > > I have it on good authority that Larry Ellison wants you dead (or at > least wants you to pay a hefty licensing fee). > > I beseech you forgive me for I knew not your true nature when first I > deigned to ask of you a question.  Now I see from the breadth and depth > of your responses that you are no mere cgi script with a collection of > witty retorts to be randomly selected in response to questions great > and small. > > Enough idle chit-chat, I seek to know whether Gonad the Barbarian will > be better at being Governor of CA than Bushy George jr. is at being > President.  And what is up with that jackass Cheney?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First of all, I am omniscient, so if a person wants me } dead, I already know all about it. Second, if you are } serious about getting an answer, you also have to be } serious about your grovel. You didn't grovel at all } (and no, asking me to forgive you for dumb tellmes } is not grovel). In a grovel, you have to belittle } yourself in front of the wonderful Oracle, while } singing his praises, and _then_ you can ask the } question. A grovel might go like this: "Oh, if } I, your most meager and humble supplicant ask } You a query, please don't annihilate me with } Your hand. I crawl on the floor in front of } Your Highness. My hair and body is covered } in ashes, my rags are worn.." etc etc you } get the point. When you cease grovelling } I, the great Oracle, will decide to ZOT } you or answer your query, depending on } the quality of the grovel. An example } is the w**dch*ck question. Don't ask } it, because you'll almost always be } <*ZOT*>ed, wihch is a rather nasty } experience, judging from the look } of people who have been *ZOT*ed. } As for your query however, Arny } doesn't neccesarily have to be } a bad governor just 'cause he } used to be an actor.. Reagan } became president, and he is } (or was) a photomodel. The } fact that Arny has abused } a few women and has nazi } values should not enter } into it, right? Right. } What were you saying? } My answers breadth?? } What was that? Well } as you can see, we } have made some DB } saving limits on } the size of the } answers margin } but that wont } stop me from } answering a } question!! } The End I } say! You } owe the } Oracle } :your } vote } for } -0 } 4

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Majestic Oracle, source of all that is worth knowing, > please harken to tellme: of all the world's royal > families, which one behaves most regally?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, if you want to avoid all the in-fighting, bad language, } adultery, thrown polo matches benefiting far eastern gambling } syndicates, mangled vowels, mangled trowels, matching suits just } the wrong shade of pink, spice girl mingling, bad haircuts, } greasy fingernails, flatulence, sort of greenish-orange sweat, } elephantine proboscises, entry into top public schools with two } 'E's and a voucher from a pack of soap powder, embarrassing comments } about their son's having the hots for Beyonce, hand-waving, horse } riding, unfunny jokes (when the teller, not the target), topless } sunbathing, toe-sucking, motor race driver hobnobbing, inconsequential } worn out pop-star benighting, impossibly symmetrical fingernail } wearing, meeting the populace-ing, organic farming, architecture } waffling, small animal/bird shooting, and general malarkay that goes } with royals, you'll come to the same conclusion that I have. } } Steep some dried leaves in hot water, leave for a minute, and sweeten } with royal-icing. Then tell everyone to expect some "royal tea" when } they drop in. } } You owe The Oracle some pictures of Beyonce in revealing costumes. Hey, } recognising foibles is one thing, being immune another.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Potent, pugnacious, and prescient Oracle, please enlighten me. > > When the autumn leaves turn from green to gold, where does > the green go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    More Secure, Colorful Leaf Makes Its Debut }       Trees Begin Displaying Newly Redesigned Foliage This Month }       The New Color of Trees: Safer. Smarter. More Secure. } }    NEW YORK CITY - October 9, 2003 - The most secure leaf in U.S. }    history was introduced into the forests today, as a newly }    redesigned, colorful leaf was issued by the US Department of }    Agriculture. } }    The most noticeable difference in the new foliage is the red, }    orange, and golden colors featured in the foreground.  Because }    seasonally changing colors are difficult for counterfeiters to }    reproduce well, they often do not try.  Counterfeiters are }    hoping that the public will not check their leaves closely. } } You owe the Oracle a big stack of green stuff, and I don't mean } from trees.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> First, foremost and most wired of all the world's Oracles, > > Is it true that the incompleteness theorem actually implies that no > single Oracle can possess all the knowledge of the world?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's take a look at my Goedel sentence, shall we? } }     The Internet Oracle cannot prove this statement. } } Quite right.  I can't prove it (actually, I can, but I'll get to that } later).  But, since when did supplicants demand proof?  I'm omniscient, } so they trust my word on whatever I say.  Being able to prove one's } information is not essential for omniscience. } } For example: } } > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } > Your question was: } > } > > Oh supposedly-omniscient Oracle, } > > } > > Can the Internet Oracle prove this sentence? } > } > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > } > } You idiot!  Questions can't be proven! } > } } > } You owe the Oracle the wrong answer to this sentence. } } "But," you cry, "you don't know _how_ to prove your Goedel sentence, } meaning that you are not omniscient!" } } Silly supplicant, of course I know how to prove it.  I just give it to } Kurt Goedel, reducing it to a previously solved problem.  [pause for } laughter]  Okay, the real answer lies in the fact that my intellectual } nature is atemporally dynamic, rendering me smarter than myself and } perfectly capable of proving my own Goedel sentence and leaving it } true at the same time. } } "How can you be smarter than yourself?" you ask. } } Just watch: } } > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } > Your question was: } > } > > First, foremost and most wired of all the world's Oracles, } > > } > > Is it true that the incompleteness theorem actually implies that } > > no single Oracle can possess all the knowledge of the world? } > } > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > } > } Well, let's take a look at my Goedel sentence, shall we? } > } } > }    The Internet Oracle cannot prove this statement. } > } } > } Quite right.  I can't prove it.  But, since when did supplicants } > } demand proof?  I'm omniscient, so they trust my word on it.  Being } > } able to prove one's information is not essential for omniscience. } > } For example: } > } } > } > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } > } > Your question was: } > } > } > } > > Oh supposedly-omniscient Oracle, } > } > > } > } > > Can the Internet Oracle prove this sentence? } > } > } > } > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > } > } > } > } You idiot!  Questions can't be proven! } > } > } } > } > } You owe the Oracle the wrong answer to this sentence. } > } } > } "But," you cry, "you don't know _how_ to prove your Goedel } > } sentence, meaning that you are not omniscient!" } > } } > } Silly supplicant, of course I know how to prove it.  I just give } > } it to Kurt Goedel, reducing it to a previously solved problem. } > } [pause for laughter]  Okay, the real answer lies in the fact that } > } my intellectual nature is atemporally dynamic, rendering me smarter } > } than myself and perfectly capable of proving my own Goedel sentence } > } and leaving it true at the same time. } > } } > } "How can you be smarter than yourself?" you ask. } > } } > } Unfortunately, I can't give you the example I wanted to put here } > } because it would lead to an infinite recursion because I'm only } > } answering your question hypothetically.  But, since you are only } > } hypothetical also, it doesn't really matter what I tell you. } > } } > } You owe the Oracle a way out of this meaningless hypothetical } > } existence. } } You see?  Isn't this answer much better than that one?  Also note } that I'm able to tell when I'm being used as part of a hypothetical } statement.  Isn't omniscience great? } } You owe the Oracle your Goedel number.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If Andy has twice as many apples as oranges, and Billy has three more > apples than Charlie, and Daphne has one fewer orange than Egbert and > Frances combined, and Gil has no apples or oranges but a big bunch of > grapes, and it's a full moon on a Wednesday, how many pies can you make > from all the fruit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer to this question lies in another question; that is, 'Who ate } all the pies?' This can be rewritten as } } Wh^0 (8) sigma pi } } Or, (since h to the power of zero is 1,) } } 8W*sigma pi } } where W is the weight in Newtons of the eater. } if we take Gil to be the one who ate them (because, let's face it, } being omniscient I know damn' well that he did, the greedy swine), then } } 8W*sigma pi = Gil } } therefore } } sigma pi = 8Gi(l/W) } } As G and i are both constants, there you have it.  To find sigma pi, } the sum of the pies made from the fruit, multiply the ratio of l (Gil's } inside leg measurement in metres) to W (Gil's weight in Newtons, taking } into account the gravitational effect of the full moon) by 8Gi, that is } 5.3386^(-10) multiplied by the square root of -1.  Simple. } } You owe the Oracle the grape pie recipe from Fermat's last cookbook.