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1343, 1343-01, 1343-02, 1343-03, 1343-04, 1343-05, 1343-06, 1343-07, 1343-08, 1343-09, 1343-10

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> He knows mystical secrets and wisdom of ages. > He's ten times as smart as the brainiest sage is. > He has oodles of glory in which he can bask, > But the Internet Oracle has nothing to ask. > > He has fabulous riches and opulent treasure, > And a girlfriend who gives him incredible pleasure! > He has free-flowing wine from a bottomless cask, > But the Internet Oracle has nothing to ask. > > He has armies of followers at his command. > He has concubines waiting on him foot and hand. > He has lamers to ZOT (it's an arduous task) > But the Internet Oracle has nothing to ask.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You can tell by the way I ZOT when I walk, } I'm the Oracle, loadsa time to talk. } Music loud and women warm, I've been giving answers } since I was born. } And now it's all right. It's OK. } And you may look the other way. } You will never understand } the Oracle can learn nothing from Man. } } Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother, } you're asking questions, asking questions. } Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin', } and you're asking questions, asking questions. } Ah, ha, ha, ha, I know it all, I know it all } Ah, ha, ha, ha, I know it all. } } Well now, I get stupid questions come, } I ZOT the supplicant and then they run. } Got the wings of heaven on my shoes. } And Lisa here, I just can't lose. } You know it's all right. It's OK. } I'll live to see another day. } You will never understand } the Oracle can learn nothing from Man. } } Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother, } you're asking questions, asking questions. } Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin', } and you're asking questions, asking questions. } Ah, ha, ha, ha, I know it all, I know it all } Ah, ha, ha, ha, I know it all. } } Life goin' nowhere. I can help you. } Really help you, yeah. } Life goin' nowhere. I can help you. } Really help you, yeah. Knowing it all!!!! } } You owe the Oracle some sweet loving.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When was the war of 1812?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, When is on Second World War, What is on the First, } and Who is on 1812.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Reggie!  Is that rhinoceros around?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If I had to hazard I guess I'd say it's more rhinoceros-shaped. } } You owe Reggie a good pair of field binoculars.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> They told me, "Use it or lose it."  I ignored their > advice, and it fell off.  What can I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Glue it back on with super-glue, or sew it on with } fishing line for thread. Heck staples will do it too. } Why you'd want a propellor on your beanie is another } question. . .

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise and gracious, I beg thee to give me an answer to my > most humble question: > > I have to sit in on a lunch meeting at work. Does this mean I don't get > to take a lunch break?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So, hard-working and starving supplicant, you desire an answer? } } Let me give you some questions instead. } } Do you think starving African children get lunch breaks?  Do you think } they ever get asked to sit in on meetings?  Do you think they can have } a slightly bigger breakfast before they set out in the morning, or } bring some sandwiches in in their briefcases to quickly eat before any } meetings?  Do you think they can send someone out to the shop and buy a } bar of chocolate or something just to keep them going? } } No!  They don't!  And do you know what, they don't complain about it } either! Well they probably do, but not to me. } } You're paid to sit in meetings.  You're not paid to skive off every ten } minutes to stuff your face with carbohydrates and cholesterol.  You } want lunch?  Quit! } } If I ever find MY employees eating, I sack them on the spot.  And three } of their colleagues, just to set an example.  So think yourself lucky } you're not a starving African child, or one of my minions. } } (incidentally, if by some coincident you ARE one of my minions, or have } done any work for me in the past, such as answering a question for me, } YOU'RE FIRED!) } } You owe the Oracle a big mac and fries.  And a large cola.  And a } couple of chicken mcnuggets.  And one of those apple pies, but can you } blow on it first.  And a couple of chocolate bars for later.  And a } five-course meal at the London Savoy. } } } } } And some cheese.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle, whose knowledge of rolls and roles surpasses even Gygax > himself... > > If there were a Role Playing Game devoted to you, what would it be > like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Our scene unfolds in a dark chamber, danger weighs heavily on our } heroes as time runs out...  Actually, the lights are just dimmed in } Paul's parents' basement, and the only things that are running out are } the Cheetos and cokes. } } Steve:  Paul, Another email is dropped into your mailbox. } } Paul:  I read it. } } Steve:  (rolls dice) It's another MIME encoded question.  The answer is } "Zot" } } Paul:  I delete it. } } Steve:  Another email is dropped into your mailbox.  (Rolls dice) This } one is a well articulated question, and the answer is both witty and } insightful. } } Paul:  Really? } } Steve:  No.  It's another MIME encoded question, the answer is zot. } } Paul:  I delete it. } } Richard:  I send a question, using my +3 keyboard of humor. } } Steve:  (rolls dice) Your question is received by a novice who really } seems to get off on the totally fictional power trip of anonymously } telling complete strangers they must grovel to him.  He replies with } "No grovel. ZOT!!!" } } Steve:  Your return question is (rolls dice) an open ended question } involving a class struggle presented in a refreshing and humorous } manner. } } Richard:  Using my +3 keyboard of humor, and my +1 Woodhouse omnibus, I } craft parody with Howard Dean as Wooster and his campaign manager as } Jeeves. } } Steve:  (rolls dice) Success.  Your answer is outrageously funny, and } is sure to reach across broad sections of readers and score 4.6 in the } digest, if the priest selects it.  (rolls dice)  The question goes to } Tim. } } Tim:  Richard, you misspelled color, neighbor, and humor with extra } "u"s and reversed the "er"s at the ends of your words.  I also have no } idea what a lift and a lorry is.  I delete it.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most fuzzy, warm and cute, wvery whiskers are laden with > sagacity, am I a closet furry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh Geez, I don't know where to begin.  Are you *truly* that unsure of } your identity, or is this one of those trick questions trying to trip } me up in my own logic? } } I'll be charitable, and assume the former.  Yes, you are a closet } furry, more commonly known as a dust bunny.  Unfortunately the majority } of people misunderstand your function, and try as hard as they can to } eradicate you.  (Free hint:  Vacuuming day is Tuesday, so you don't } need to worry over the weekend.  But you may want to move some of that } stuff around to give you a better hiding place.) } } In an attempt to enlighten the world at large, I would like to explain } this supplicant's mission.  Dust bunnies (a.k.a. closet furries, or } monsters under the bed, depending on their location) are charged with } attracting airborne particles of lint and dust, thus removing them from } the atmosphere and improving the conditions for all air-breathing } creatures in the vicinity.  Yes, that's right, the dust bunnies are } trying to HELP you keep your house clean.  They're not part of the } problem; they're part of the solution. } } When they are small, dust bunnies are essentially non-sentient, which } is a small blessing for those people who attack them on sight with a } broom.  However, by the time they reach the size of a soccer ball, dust } bunnies are self-aware, and when they get to be as big as a small } filing cabinet, their intelligence is comparable to that of the average } ninth-grade student.  In theory, this process of increasing } intelligence could continue indefinitely as the dust bunny grows, were } it not for their peculiar method of reproduction. } } When a dust bunny grows to approximately 15 kilograms, it undergoes a } process of fission.  This is in some ways similar to the way bacteria } and protozoa reproduce, but in other ways it's more like a nuclear } bomb.  The result is hundreds of thousands of dust bunnies, all reduced } (as noted above) to idiocy. } } If you have a dust bunny in your house that is about to reproduce, } experts recommend that you carry it outside ahead of time, because even } though dust bunnies are helpful creatures, you might end up with too } much of a good thing if it spawns indoors.  The bunny would appreciate } it if you surrounded it with an opaque shield of some sort, as (like } many humans) dust bunnies are rather particular about their } reproductive process being watched by others.  An awning would also be } good, as dust bunnies really hate the rain. } } You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of the story of how the Tooth } Furry came out of the closet.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Fantabulous Oracle: > > Why didn't one of the other characters just shoot Bruce Lee?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Proof by contradiction:  Assume that S is a set of bad guys, B is Bruce } Lee, and G the set of good guys and f is a mapping from G to S. By } hypothesis we have G={B} and |S|>1.  We can assume that there exists f } from G to S telling us which good guys are fighting which bad guys.  We } know that there exists f s.t. f is a _function_ from G to S. Thus f has } an inverse, h from S to G. This tells us, which members of S (i.e. bad } guys) should shoot at B. However we have by assumption |S|>|G|, } therefore, by the pigionhole principal, f, and consequenty h do not } exist.  But we assumed earlier that they did: therefore nobody shoots } at Bruce Lee to prevent a logical contradiction that would tear the } universe apart. } } You owe the oracle a card catalog that indexes every card catalog that } does not index itsself. } } Today's Excuse: }   POSIX complience problem

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle, > > I've got a tricky situation on my hands.  I know in retrospect that I > should have asked you earlier on, but I thought I could handle it > myself, and being omniscient, O Great One whose virtues I am not > capable of manifesting, I am sure that you know what a mess I made of > the situation, such that none but one such as yourself, possessing the > wisdom, patience, and perseverance of no mortal being, could possible > untangle it all. > > Now, it all started when I saw this USENET message about how I could > make money fast.  I tried it, and found it was incredibly easy, and to > make a long story short, I made money so fast that I ended up with an > infinite amount of it. > > Naturally, the IRS wanted their share and demanded an infinite amount > of money in taxes.  Not wanted to part with my entire horde, I hired a > man to split it into two infinite piles for me, and sent one of them > off to the IRS. > > But then the man claimed that he had an infinite number of billable > hours, and even at minimum wage, that's a hefty chunk of change. > > Luckily, I came up with the idea of hiring someone else to split my > infinite remaining money into THREE piles, after which I proceeded to > give the first pile as payment to my first sorter, the second pile to > my second sorter, and the third to ensure my own financial security. > > I thought I was pretty brilliant to come up with that solution, > actually.  But then the next day I went to the store to buy a quart of > milk, only to find that due to recent inflation, they were charging an > infinite amount of money for it. > > So, O Oracle Most Wise and Resourceful, can you please tell me how I > might restore the U.S. economy and save the world from financial > disaster?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm sure you're familiar with the old equation: } }           Work } Money = --------- }         Knowledge } } Since you have infinite money, this means either you did an infinite } amount of work (which is clearly impossible) or your knowledge is zero. } So the first matter would be to accumulate some knowledge, no matter } how small, so the money will collapse into a finite sum. } } On the other hand, you could send all those infinite dollars to me. } Since I'm omnipotent, I *can* do an infinite amount of work. But since } I'm omniscient, I have infinite knowledge, so the equation becomes: } }         (infinity) } Money = ---------- }         (infinity) } } But Time is Money and Knowledge is Power so } }        Work } Time = ----- }        Power } } My power is infinite, so I can finish any amount of work in finite } time, and therefore finish with finite money. Problem solved. } } You owe the Oracle an infinite number of dollars.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most gracious, > > Have you ever thought about the parallels between your digest numbers > and the years of the Western calendar?  Since your last one was 1342, > we would be moving out of the middle ages and toward the Renaissance. > Wouldn't it be wonderful if each digest from now on could have a > little historical tidbit about that year?  For example, in 1342, the > well-regarded Pope Benedict XII died.  I think we could all learn > something from your omnipresent historical insights, and it would get > *particularly* interesting when the digest numbers catch up with the > actual number of the year we're in!  Just a thought.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is true and has been considered. } } The reason I decided against it was that it would become incredibly } dull after digest #2005. I mean "Cockroaches reproduce, Earth still } radioactive." gets rather boring after the first several thousand } times. } } You owe the Oracle a paper bag and a table to hide under.