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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This message is in MIME format. Since your mail reader does not > understand this format, some or all of this message may not be legible. > > ------_=_NextPart_001_01C3B29D.88AE74D0 > Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" > > >The Internet Oracle has no questions to ask. > > Well of COURSE he doesn't! The Internet Oracle is all knowing and so > needs to ask no questions. > > Surely we can find a better response to an empty queue!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Mime holds up four fingers.] } } Four words! [Mime nods.] } } [Mime holds up one finger.] } } First word! } } [Mime taps his nose, then shakes his head.] } } Ummm... the African head-shaking language! } } [Mime shakes his head, to both repeat the charade and respond to the } guess.] } } Uh... "no!" } } [Mime nods, and holds up two fingers, for the second word.] } } Second word! } } [Mime gets in "The Thinker" pose.] } } Cleft chin! } } [Mime changes tactics, and tries to twist his fingers into a question } mark.] } } Twist-tie! } } [Mime changes his approach again, and shrugs his shoulders.] } } Question! } } [Mime taps his nose, and holds up three fingers.] } } Third word! } } [Mime holds up two fingers.] } } But we already DID the second word! } } [Mime shakes his head vigorously, holds up three fingers again, then } holds up two fingers and points at them. } } Subtraction! } } [Mime holds up one particular finger.] } } Hey, same to you, pal! } } [Mime starts over with the third word, and holds up TWO FINGERS. TWO. } WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? Mime looks like he is going to explode with } frustration if this supplicant does not get it through his thick little } skull.] } } Um... two! } } [Mime sighs with relief, and holds up four fingers.] } } Fourth word! } } [After pondering his options, mime puts hand to his ear.] } } Sounds like... } } [Mime picks up a hip flask that was left lying on the kitchen table.] } } Flask. Sounds like flask... } } [Mime nods like there is no tomorrow.] } } I know it! I know it! } } [Mime starts to beam.] } } No question to bask! } } [From the look on mime's face, supplicant realizes that his answer was } not correct.] } } No question, two tasks! } } [Mime lunges at the supplicant, sending him flying through the open } seventh-floor window. Splat.] } } ----- } } You know, I think the Mime Charade system of empty-queue notification is } a bit too complicated and risky. Don't you prefer the current system? } } You owe the Oracle a dictionary for the African head-shaking language.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Most Worthy Oracle, Whose Shoes I Would Not Be Worthy To Clean Even > If They Weren't Already Perfectly Polished... > > How come my boss won't buy me a second monitor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Enough damage to the office shrubbery, carpets, and breakroom donut } supply -- not to mention that gnawing incident with the UPS delivery } man -- has been done by the giant carnivorous lizard you all ready } have, asking for another one is really pushing it. } } You owe the Oracle a salt-water crocodile.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The supplicant has no questions to ask.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good.  Your questions always were pretty rotten.  Now } just shut up for a while.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> More Cripes!  It wasn't enough with the cheese, but that stupid > chocolate sauce, how could you ever dream such stuff up.  It > was all I could do to stay afloat, until I woke up.  Maybe if > I retire to a small cottage in the south of France and spend my > time in penitential grovelling, you'll stop sending me your > dreams. > > Anyway, I need to know what REALLY happened to Frederick > Barbarossa on the Third Crusade.  Also, where can I find the > relic of the True Cross that was lost at that time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you don't like my dreams, then quit trying to get inside my head } with all these "what are you thinking about?" and "wouldn't it be great } to have a family?" questions. Just enjoy the sex like I do, and leave } it at that. } } I warned Frederick to wait an hour after eating before going in the } water. But he always was a headstrong man. "It's not far!" he said. "I } can wade across!" } } And he wasn't carrying a relic of the True Cross at the time. He was } carrying the latest edition of the Agnostic Acrostic, a word puzzle } periodical that was sold in market checkout lines at the time - right } next to the Imperial Enquirer. Although Rome discouraged levity with } spiritual issues, and certainly had nothing good to say about agnostics } in general, the fact was that any campaign in the Middle East involved } weeks of travel. Frederick could be forgiven for wanting a little } something to pass the time. } } You owe the Oracle the answer for 12 across in the August 12, 1153 } Vatican Times crossword. It's a 9-letter word for "Third of Five," and } I have _ _ V _ _ _ C V S. Oh, never mind - it's "Leviticus."

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Imposing Oracle, I am your impostering supplicant.  Today I'll > pretend to be the King of Sweden. > > Yump-de-yump, bork, bork, bork! > > Since when did the Swedish Chef from the Muppets become King of > Sweden?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Since 2000 to be exact. In that year we received a } request: } } -- } From: socks@whitehouse.gov } } Oh most wise Oracle, whose powers are almost as great } as those of the president of the United States of } America, please tell me ... } } What is to be done about the economic danger presented } to american furniture makers by IKEA? } -- } } Being inclined to humorous and rather mischievous } responses, we suggested to have the CIA replace their } monarch with a total moron. } } The Swedish Secret Service subsequently retaliated in } similar fashion by getting president Bush elected. } } You owe the Oracle one cuban cigar.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and rambling oracle, whose stream of consiousness flows ever > onward in infinite wisdom: > > How can *I* build a crystal-roofed palace of forty thousand rooms in > the shape of a pork kidney?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In Xanadu the Oracle } A stately palace did decree, } A crystal roofed pleasure dome } That neighbors called "Monstrocity." } So twice five miles of verdant grove } Were sacrificed and bulldozed down: } And there were theme parks bright with virtual thrills, } Where blossomed many a plastic-potted tree; } And here were shoppes with furbeloes and frills, } And yonder booth to charge the entrance fee. } } But oh! that steep glazed roof that slanted } Up to the heavens and o'er the nether hells! } A savage place! where seagulls sat enchanted } and crapped upon the brilliant glass undaunted } by Zadoc wailing for his shotgun shells. } } And in this tower, with ceaseless turmoil seething, } The audience in fast thick pants were breathing, } As Lisa, goddess of the Internet; } Upon the stage a half-completed set } of sultry steamy songs was slowly writhing. } } Her flashing eyes, her floating hair! } Weave a circle round her thrice } And keep the audience locked into its seats } For she is hotter than Athena fair } And worth the wait, and aye well worth the price. } } The Oracle owes Samuel Taylor Coleridge a sincere } apology and a pipe of opium. } } You owe the Oracle a demon lover. } (Ouch, Lisa, stop that!)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have to write a paper for an IT class about an up-and-coming > computer technology. > > But woe is me, for I cannot think of a good topic.  What should I > write about?  The next Windoze OS?  MPP?  COW's?  Opitical Computer? > Help me, so that I can make up my mind.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   In a surprise development, Maxis Inc. released the top-secret sequel } to its incredibly popular game _The_Sims_, _The_Not-So_Sims_. } Not only does this new game support true 3D graphics, but it also } incorporates ultra-realistic environments and highly sophisticated } artifical intelligence that will make the game sure to fly off the } shelves.  But the biggest selling point is the Sim Me expansion pack, } expected to be released next month, which comes with a brain-recording } helmet to fully incorporate any person's character, personality, } and abilities into the game. } }   No beta-testers of the new product could be reached for comment, } but some of their electronic alter-egos agreed to be interviewed: } }  "You mean that all reality is a computer game being played by people } with no lives?  That's depressing.  On the other hand, it explains } a lot." } }  "All I ever do is sleep, eat, and play Nethack!  Life is great!" } }  "It is sooo realistic!  Well, I'm biased.  But every triangle in my } body is rendered perfectly!" } }  "The existence of this 'outside world' where an omnipotent, human-like } 'player' controls everything can neither be proven nor disproven } and is not an interesting question to debate.  Besides, I'm too busy } writing a computer game involving simulated people's everyday lives } to talk with you." } }  "Does this have anything to do with the fact that the world suddenly } become all blurry when I go to the bathroom?" } }   Human rights groups are planning protests for the release of SimMe, } saying that this is the first time that middle-class computer users } have been the target of massive eugenics program. } }   Will Wright, creator of _The_Not-So_Sims_, was quoted as saying, } "It is not the job of software companies to control how their } software is used.  If people buy our software and devote their lives } to character development in a universe where I am the absolute ruler, } who am I to stop them?" } } } You owe the Oracle a hot tub, a plasma TV, and doorbell that } automatically *ZOT*s visitors.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most humble and yet spiffy, answer me this: > > The US has just announced that a "significant number" of the prisoners > held at Gitmo are there only because the US offered bounties to Afghan > warlords for "Taliban" and then paid cash without asking questions > when some poor schmuck was delivered to them. > > What other foolish rubbish is still being concealed in the name of > "national security"?  Is there a video of Osama bin Laden pointing at a > picture of the WTC towers with a bullseye painted on them?  Is there a > report from the CIA saying that Saddam had already delivered every > single chemical weapon to the American embassy in 1992, giftwrapped? > Is there a psychiatrists report stating that Chaney gets sexually > excited when he sees bombs going off? > > Oracle, my Oracle, what other stupidities are this inane bunch of > ninnies concealing from the world?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I know the answer, but you're not going to like it. } } Ashcroft's Justice Department now has enough power to (a) } tap your phone without notice, (b) search your home or } office without notice, (c) investigate your church, mosque, } or synagogue without notice, (d) arrest you without probable } cause, (e) extradite you to Cuba without judicial review, } (f) hold you incommunicado for an unspecified amount of time, } (g) deny you access to an attorney, (h) deny your right of } habeas corpus, (i) begin this process on anyone who protests } your treatment or works to have you treated in accord with } the US Constitution. } } All of this is subject only to judicial review by a secret } court whose members are anonymous, at which you can't present } evidence, and whose proceedings are born classified. } } Sorry, I wish I had better news, but that's how it is. } } You owe the Oracle a Star Chamber.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Invisible ink!  Fortunately I'm omniscient, and can see through } simple subterfuge.  That was a neat grovel, but a naive reader } could have mistaken it for an insult.  Anyway, in answer to your } question: } } There's nowhere to put them.  They'll wither on the vine and fall } off, even before they are ripe, and even if you had a storeroom, } the required temperature is too variable.  You'll have to come up } with a better idea than growing underware on poinsettia plants.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've lived in Florida until now and now there's a foot of snow on the > ground.  How do I win a snowball fight?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   == Ten Tips on How to Win a Fight with a Snowball == } } 10. If Possible; arrange to have the fight in Hell. } 09. Be an animate creature. } 08. Stay uphill of the snowball!!! } 07. Tempting as it may be, don't make snowman/snowball }     taunts. } 05. Don't torture any prisoners you may take, look }     around you. All that whiteness sympathizes with }     the snowball. Placing prisoners in the freezer is }     okay, feeding them to your dog is not. } 04. Watch out for snowballs that use large angry, slightly }     evil children to propel them. } 03. Don't assume the snowball is a softy, some have }     ingested rocks or shards of glass. } 02. Carry a bat. Don't go for home runs, just keep them }     at bay. } 01. Two Words: Preemptive Attack. } } You owe the Oracle a dirt clod war.