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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great  Oracle, You are wiser then Mr. Owl and more > patient then Mr. Turtle. Will you tell me how many licks > it take to get to the Tootsie Roll  center of a Tootsie Pop?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For most people the answer ranges in the several } hundreds, although 99% of the time they just give in } and bite anyway.  For you though, Ms. Lewinsky, the } answer is actually 3. } } You owe the Oracle the "School House Rock" DVD.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, > > What's a nice way to bring up the fact that my dinner guest is slurping > the soup?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, } } I usually find that a drop of concentrated nitroglycerine in the soup } will prevent such a problem. } } Provided the soup is consumed smoothly and silently, it will have no } effect. However the moment any friction is applied, for instance by } slurping, the substance will explode destroying the cause of the } friction, such as your guest's lips.  This will prevent a recurrence of } the problem. } } You owe the Oracle some croutons.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Most Great and Mighty Oracle, whose Wisdom is even better than > a blessed +6 Mitre of Holiness, and whose breath slayeth the wicked > even faster than a Cone of Cold spell cast by a wizard who is expert > at attack spells!  Please hear my plaintive cry for help. > > My level 27 Wizard with tons of keen equipments and 30 known spells > just bit the dust on the first level of Gehennom.  He was doing fine > for awhile, but an arch lich kept casting spells of create monster, > and the crowd became too much for his ring of regeneration to keep > up with after awhile.  I'm so sad. > > So what kind of character should I try next time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Be a priest. In fact, you should be *my* priest. All my priests seem } to have gone on holiday. Or was that who you were cutting down with } Frost Brand? } } Either way, you owe the Oracle five years of servitude or the Amulet } of Yendor, whichever comes first.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh, great oracle, I beseech you, please tell me where does the > expression "excuse my french" originate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's obvious, isn't it?  Everybody knows that words such as "s**t", } "f**k", "*ss", and similar are English curse words, not French ones. } Therefore, using them is very bad French indeed. } } You owe the Oracle some curses in Arabic.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ghrterasty Oprtascvl;er,. > > Io asl;weasyusd tyyip[er tyhjer l;ertytyerrt tyop tyhjer rtioghhjty > opfg tyhjer opnmer tyhjasty Io weasnmty./  Fgoprt wehjasty weoprtdfsd > oprt l;ertytyerrtsd dfop yuopui tyhjionmkl tyhjiosd iosd nmopty as > ghopopdf iodferas?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Egads, Omniscient Boy, it's a missive from the mayor of Bloomington in } secret code!  Quick, to the Oracle Cave to work the secret decoder ring } that I found in a box of Cracker Jacks! } } [Oracle Man and Omniscient Boy quickly, yet dramatically, stride from } the scene.  Cut to the interior of the Oracle Cave.] } } Omniscient Boy: I smell a wumpus! } } Oracle Man: You do not!  That's your rotting pile of laundry.  I wish } you'd wash it once in awhile.  Now, let me work the decoder ring.  It } says, "If you are a weasel, type here..." } } OB: Bats nearby! } } OM: Of course there are bats nearby!  We're in a cave, dummy!  Now will } you shut up and let me decode this?  Let's see, where was I?  Oh yes, } "Letter p tiger rooty-tooty of the opener majesty you weasel." } } OB: I feel a draft! } } OM: Well then, maybe you could learn to shut the cave door after going } through it, huh?  Ummmm, right, "For weighty whooping on letter fop you } think Tiger Woods is empty as a ghost Ferrari?"  Hmmmm, very } mysterious... } } OB: You are in room 3.  Tunnels lead to rooms 2, 5, and 6. } } OM: What on earth are you blabbering about Omniscient Boy?  Help me } answer this question! } } OB: "As" will make you unwelcome in polite company, and "egg" makes it } look like you are screaming. } } OM: It's so hard to get good help these days. } } OB: Pronouncing "wo" makes you sound groovy. } } OM: Well, I don't know what this bedlamite is babbling on about, but I } think you should stay away from the Queen of England and famous } golfers, supplicant. } } You owe the Oracle a replacement sidekick with intact marbles.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Varst and plummeting keeper of the knowledge of the universe, where > have I left my socks?  I cannot find them, the red ones or the > white ones.  Is there any hope for them, or are they cursed into > eternity?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fascinating when things fall into place on their own like this. } } Just a minute ago the Oracle got a question from your drunken } brother in law asking why the candy canes at your home tasted } like limp, smelly rags. . .

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You have a Ring on a chain around your neck, a small warped ghoulish > creature on your right, and your best friend to your left. > > What now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  > GOLLUM, LEAD ME TO MORDOR. } } Gollum hops off to the north. } }  > NORTH } } Desolate Wasteland } } You are in a desolate wasteland.  All around you is desolate wasteland. } } Sam has arrived from the south. } }  > INVENTORY } } You are wearing: }    The One Ring (on a chain around your neck) } } You are carrying: }    Sting }    Your pack }    Your pack contains: }      10 lembas wafers }      a rope }      the light of Erendiel } }  > NORTH } } Sam's eyes gleam as you leave. } } Desolate Wasteland } } You are in a desolate wasteland.  All around you is desolate wasteland. } }  > WEAR ONE RING } } Are you sure?  Remember, Gandalf told you not to do that. } }  > WEAR ONE RING } } You put the One Ring on.  All of a sudden, you turn invisible! } }  > SOUTH } } Desolate Wasteland } } You are in a desolate wasteland.  All around you is desolate wasteland. } } Sam is standing here cackling gleefully. } Gollum is lying on the ground in a pool of blood.  An elvish sword is } protruding from his stomach. } }  > REMOVE ONE RING } } Sam starts as you become visible.  "It was suicide, honest Mr. Frodo." } }  > TELL SAM "We're lost, aren't we?" } } Sam says, "Gollum can guide us into Mordor." } }  > TELL SAM "Gollum's dead." } } Sam says, "Gollum?  Why, he's our guide into Mordor." } }  > SAM, LEAD ME TO MORDOR. } } Sam says, "I don't know the way to Mordor.  Maybe you should follow } Gollum." } }  > FOLLOW GOLLUM } } What?  Follow the corpse of Gollum with an elvish sword protruding from } it? } }  > YES } } You can't follow the corpse of Gollum with an elvish sword protruding } from it. } }  > TAKE ELVISH SWORD } } You can't take the corpse of Gollum with an elvish sword protruding from } it! } }  > QUIT } } Your score is 50 out of a possible 150.  This earns you the rank of } Hobbit.  Really quit? (Y/N) } }  > Y

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OW!OW!OW! > > A gila monster has clamped on to my arm, it is slowly grinding it's > jaws back and forth and drooling it's venom into the wound. The damn > thing must weigh 30 lbs... I'm getting dizzy.  Oracle...help. . .

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Will you ever get it right?  "It's" means "it is," and "its" is } possessive.  Also, "damn" is not an adjective.  The correct way to } speak of a hell-bound reptile is "the *damned* thing."  Also, two } independent clauses cannot be joined by a comma; you should have put } either a period or a semicolon there.  Ellipses should have no space } between the periods but still one space after the three (within a } sentence, at least).  Shall I go on?  *The Oracle looks at you } menacingly.* } } *The Oracle relaxes.*  Oh shit, he's gone and died now.  Too bad...  He } was learning SO MUCH!  I suppose that's just the way of things } sometimes.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Ingenious Oracle your are a fire-hose of information washing > fools off the streets and putting out raging lunatic fringe ideas. > You are like a red truck with a spotted dog on it rushing to our > aid. Gee golly, you are swell! > > What should I serve for food at my Ground Hog Day party?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are outside. Music from two speakers fills the air. There are } guests all around you. A door leads back inside } } Your wife is here } The Easter Bunny is here } A bowl of punch is on the table } } > EXAMINE PUNCH } } The punch is red, strawberry flavoured, and has obviously been spiked } with vodka } } > TALK TO EASTER BUNNY } } As he is a fictional character, he does not respond } } > TALK TO WIFE } } She complains to you loudly that there is no food for the guests } } > GO INSIDE } } You are in a large room with two sofas. It's much quieter in here. } Doors lead to the north, east, and back outside } } > EAST } } You are in a small closet. A couple are engaged in frantic sexual } activity, oblivious to you } } A golf club is here } } > TAKE GOLF CLUB } } Done } } > WEST } } You are back in the lounge } } > NORTH } } You are in the kitchen. The smell of good food is all around. } } A large barrel of delicious food is here } A spinach leaf is here } A Transporter is here } } > TAKE BARREL } } It's far too heavy to lift } } > EXAMINE TRANSPORTER } } "Star Trek Mark VII Transporter, guaranteed to go from A to B. All } objects must enter with a velocity of at least 10m/s" } } > EAT SPINACH } } Your muscles bulge, you feel as strong as Popeye } } > TAKE BARREL } } It's too bulky to go through the door } } > PUSH BARREL IN TRANSPORTER } } Nothing happens. Perhaps it's going too slow? } } > HIT BARREL WITH GOLF CLUB } } You strike the barrel. What a drive! The barrel flies into the } transporter and vanishes. Mere moments later you hear several sickening } crunches, two splats and a muffled squeak. } } > SOUTH } } You are back in the lounge } } > GO OUTSIDE } } You exit the house, onto a scene of utter devastation. A food barrel } appears to have ricocheted from guest to guest, devastating the } party-goers, leaving none awake. } } Spilled food is here } } > EAT FOOD } } You eat all the Ground-Hog Day food by yourself, and don't have to } share it with anyone. In the fortunre cookie you find a note saying } "You owe me a new driver. Orrie" } } GAME OVER, Score 119/120

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Clear-sighted is the Oracle, his every word is for a good cause, > his every thought a boon to mankind, his every utterance a > reason for celebration, > > How will we know when there is just one left?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To be fair, that could be a deep and meaningful question, however you } haven't referenced exactly to what this will be the last one of. Last } zot? Last breath? Last elope with the lovely Lisa? Shame on you. I have } a good mind to force the entire Compendium of How to Ask Questions, all } 380 leather-bound volumes into your mind right now. Hah!, you won't } even have enough room in your mind to ask the time of day! Anyway, I } believe you were referring to the wonderful answers that I give to you, } and when I am going to give my last one... } I believe that'll be right after I answer the penultimate question.