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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, knower of all things know-able, answerer of all things > answerable, teller of all things...asked, I am unworthy of your > answers, too unholy to seek your guidance. But, if there is any > kindness in your humongous all-consuming heart, please, answer me this: > > Do you have any relation to the not-nearly-as-wonderful Oracle from the > "The Matrix" trilogy? I mean this in no offensive way, great > thinker...please don't hurt me!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahh... whether it's some puny mortal database software, or some drunken } priests at Delphi, the Oracle always has time for one more lawsuit for } trademark infringement. } } The Oracle (tm) is not related to the following products: } } - Ora-Cal: The calcium suppliments made from oyster shells. } - Ertl: die cast agricultural and heavy equipment replicas } - Ora-Gel: A lip ointment for cold sores } - Ogilvie: A hair-perm kit } - Erkel: An annoying character played by Jaleel White } - Orc-L: A listserv for creations of Morgoth } - Ork-L: A listserv for fans of Mork } - Ovalteen: A malt mix for parents who hate chocolate milk } - NorCal: Damper than SoCal, and less movie stars } } You owe the oracle a spoon, whether there is one or not.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, > > I think I have a superiority complex.  But I'm not sure.  What do you > think?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Absolute nonsense. People with superiority complexes do not think they } have superiority complexes. The idea would never occur to them. } } If somehow a crazy idea like that ever *DID* occur to them, they would } not think it, they would be SURE. So be assured; you do not suffer from } that particular malady. } } It's a good thing, too. That kind of thing can cause trouble. I sure am } glad it could never happen to me! Once, a long time ago, I was just } POSITIVE I had exactly that problem... but I finally decided that it } simply was not possible. After all, I am The Oracle! } } You owe The Oracle.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Plunging and plumbed Oracle, I cannot exceed your depth of knowledge > even when I fall down a mineshaft.  You make my mind look minuscule > by comparison, even though I do show off a bit by being able to spell > minuscule correctly. > > I want desparately to learn how to play paintball, but I'm scared > that I'll get hit by a paintball, and it might hurt.  Please tell me > how to be stunningly accurate right from the beginning, so that I > never have to take a hit, and instead win all the games I play. > There must be some secret, and if there is, you will (of course) > know it.  Also, I need a good name.  "Terminator" is taken, and > besides, it's sort of old now.  What'd be a good name?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Target Practice" would be a good name for you. } } Listen now, oh supplicant, as the Oracle expounds his wisdom on how to } be stunningly accurate } } Step 1) Aim your gun at what you want to hit } Step 2) Turn to your companion and say "If I miss this, I want you to } punch me in the face" } Step 3) If you miss the shot, take the punch and return to Stage 1 } } You'll miss the first few. Fear will keep you from missing the next } ones } } You owe the Oracle a gumshield and a facemask.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, Whose maths will be so much better than mine, > > 1, 11, 21, 1211, 111221, 312211, 13112221, ... > > What is the next number in the sequence?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       The Oracle stood paralyzed, chalk in hand.  The teacher called } him up to the chalkboard to answer some weird math question he was } unfamiliar with, and the numbers seemed to change each time he looked } at them.  He realized that he was taking a long time; he hoped for } someone to give him a hint, or even just snicker to break the tension, } but instead the teacher and his schoolmates stared at the Oracle in } stony silence, waiting for the Oracle to answer the question.  He was } also naked (how could he have gotten all the way to school without } noticing that he was naked!?), and he couldn't remember his locker } combination... }       You owe the Oracle a good shake or two to wake him out of this } recurring nightmare he's having.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> No, no, no!  You've got it all wrong! > > Let's try this again ...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One of the more successful, if not too noble, lines used } by widow & widowers on each other at the Alzheimer's Ward.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of a thousand personalities, > who gives new meaning to the term > schizophrenic, please help me... > > What's a good real-world example > of process deadlock, that I can > describe to my non-geek friends?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your housemate David is willing to do the dishes, but never puts } them away. Your housemate Julie will put wash dishes if the } drainboard is empty, but will only put away the dishes she has } washed. You will wash and put away dishes, but only when you use } them, and since your diet is primarily junk food and take-out } eaten with dispoable implements, you having dishes to wash is } next to never. } } So after David does a round of dishes, the drainboard gets full, } but he doesn't empty it, Julie doesn't empty it, and you don't } empty it. So new dishes pile up in the sink waiting to be cleaned } and the process deadlocks. } } Good? No, I guess not, that's not a true deadlock, since people } can take dishes from the drainboard to use, thus emptying it without } putting dishes away. Let's try another one. } } Ah! David wants to watch the "Predator" DVD he just rented (one } current and one former US State governor staring in one movie), } so he grabs the TV remote and starts looking for the DVD remote. } At the same time Julie wants to watch the "Brigit Jones's [sic] } Diary" DVD she just got from NetFlix so she grabs the DVD remore } and starts looking for the TV remote. } } Each has a lock on a resource needed to watch the movie of choice, } neither will consent to watching the other's movie, and so they } deadlock. Their deadlock doesn't stop you from turning on the TV } by hand and jacking into your PS2, though. } } You owe the Oracle your oath to not vote for either Arnold } Schwarzenegger or Jesse Ventura for US President.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Grand and effluvious Oracle, I have never discovered (owing > to my immense stupidity) the correct way to grovel to you and > your immense intelligence.  Every grovel kit I buy from ACME > injures or kills me, like that last time I splatted on the > bottom of the canyon floor, just like W. Coyote.  Is that > what I get for taking hints and lessons from someone whose > name is Chuck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes. } } Also, ACME's generic grovel kits are useless.  Here's a decent Grovel } Generator: } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } |    Adverb    |   Adjective  |     Noun     |           Verb          | } |----------------------------------------------------------------------| } | gratuitously | flatulent    | right pinky  | contain(s) the entire   | } |              |              |              |   Universe              | } | wisely       | great        | 3rd vertebra | know(s) what women      | } |              |              |              |   *really* want         | } | beautifully  | wonderful    | left upper   | can understand the      | } |              |              |   incisor    |   rambling of Rameau    | } | frabjously   | sexy         | leg hairs    | bring(s) sentience to   | } |              |              |              |   the masses            | } | generously   | gloved       | shortest     | fill(s) men with        | } |              |              |   brainwave  |   absolute terror       | } | violently    | graubellient | retinas      | make(s) me wet my pants | } |              |              |              |   with glee             | } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } To use it, fill out the following form with words from the chart. } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } |                                                                      | } |                                                                      | } |    O <insert adverb here> <insert adjective here> Oracle, whose      | } |    <insert noun here> <insert verb here>:                            | } |                                                                      | } |    <insert question here>                                            | } |                                                                      | } |                                                                      | } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } *That* should do it. } } <insert ironic tribute request here>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > > The band wasn't there, yet the music played? What did that signify?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That signifies that lip-synching has now reached the next level, and } the band isn't even bothering to show up anymore. } } You owe the Oracle a signed copy of Milli Vanilli's Greatest Hits.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is spam. > This spam is. > Spam this is. > Spam is this? > Is spam this? > Is this spam?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see... } } The ten criteria for spam } } 1) It isn't asked for } 2) It doesn't have your name in } 3) It doesn't have any personal details in } 4) It's badly punctuated } 5) It has bad grammar } 6) It has been sent many times before } 7) It was sent by a lowly maggot } 8) It expects a reply } 9) It tries to pretend it isn't spam } 10) Its sender deserves a good ZOT } } Yep. Ten out of ten, supplicant. } } ZOT! } } You owe the Oracle some Generic Viagra, a transfer from a Nigerian bank } account, a diploma from a prestigious non-accredited university, and } free cash quick!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, > > Tell me about Gershwin's Piano Concerto in F.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know...that's not a question. But I'm feeling rather magnanimous } today, unusually, so I'll tell you. } } Albert Humpdingle the Third was a pianist of no great talent.  He could } play Chopsticks, once in a while and even tap out Fur Elise, if he } was feeling inspired. } } One day, he decided to improve his skills. He went for piano lessons, } practiced faithfully for an hour a day, and did the best he could. } He would never be concert standard, but he could play competently } and compose some basic tunes. He got ahead of himself however, and } tried to write an entire concerto, in the key of A. As it happened, } by some sheer quantum freak of chance, more unlikely than the same man } winning the lottery four times in a row while wearing a purple teapot } on his hand and shouting "I'm a hamster" and dancing the Charleston } on a flagpole, he managed to write a brilliant piece of music. } } And then, by an equally unlikely chance, he was struck on the head by } an egg sandwich containing a knife (the origin of which is unknown) } and died. } } Two years later... the concerto was found. And transposed into F. } And someone else took the credit. } } You owe the Oracle a biography of Albert Humpdingle the Third, the } True Composer!