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1349, 1349-01, 1349-02, 1349-03, 1349-04, 1349-05, 1349-06, 1349-07, 1349-08, 1349-09, 1349-10

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can a prostate exam be made more unpleasant?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A ten foot pole. } } As in I'm not touching this question with one. } } You owe the oracle a very long rubber glove.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Behold the Oracle, though he has lived for eons he has the mental > skills of one three times his known age! The wisdom of the Oracle is > such that he could do nothing which will lower our regard for him! > > What happen to the -other- dinosaurs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Morning Carl. } }       Hey Bob. } } Hmm. Anything in the classifieds this morning? } }       What? No, sorry haven't read them. Sorry, having a brain the }       size of a walnut tends to limit ones literary endeavours. } } Well, someone's been watching PBS. } }       Fine. I couldn't figure out how to change the channel. I }       wound up missing last night's Survivor. } } Eh, that show's boring. There's barely any chasing or bloodshed. } Dammit! } }       What happened? } } Dropped the freaking butter knife again. You mind getting it? } }       No, hang on. Geez, you'd think that after several billion }       years you'd stop dropping things you can't pick up with }       those spindly arms. } } Oh, ha-ha. Look, just hand me the knife, will you. } }       So, where's Artie anyway? } } Down at the gas station, remember. } }       Oh yeah. You know, I always thought he was a regular kind }       of guy. } } Nice to see they put him in the supreme tank, isn't it? } }       Yeah, it's sweet. } } Sure beats hanging out at the mini-golf course doesn't it? } }       It's a living. Besides, the wrinkly ones taste like jerky. }       You should try it. } } I'll pass. Bob, do you ever get the feeling that we should be } doing more with our lives? } }       How so? } } Well, here we are, millions of years old. Heck we managed to } survive the asteroid thing... } }       What can I say, I'm a heavy sleeper. } } and then have managed to live until now. I don't know, we -- we } should be doing something else. } }       Hey, we tried out for that Spielberg movie. "Sorry, we're }       looking for someone easier to work with." } } You ate the production assistant. } }       You ate the catering truck! } } Sorry, look I like donuts, ok? } }       Worse thing is that they steal that idea and use it in the }       movie. } } Would you let that go? I dunno, look, there was that guy that scored } pretty big. He hung out with us in the late Cretaceous. } }       Strom Thurmond? } } Yeah, him! He turned out ok. } }       He's in the tank next to Artie. } } Ok, so maybe not. } }       As fascinating as this conversation is, I gotta go. The carpool }       is here. } } Criminy, look at the size of that thing. Don't you feel bad about } riding around in an SUV that big? } }       Nah, gives me a chance to hang out with old friends. } } You're sick, Bob. } } -- You owe the Oracle 30 gallons of Harold.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most lovely Oracle, > > Can we have our pirate back now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I dunno kids, last time I gave the pirate back, you - CHARLIE PUT THAT } DOWN! - immediately threw it down the toilet and I - CHARLIE DON'T EAT } THE CAT! - had to call a plumber to get it out. This was after I } specifically told you not to bring it into the bathroom - SALLY SPIT } THAT OUT! - because of all the damage that happened in there last time. } I only *just* got the tiles cleaned. } } I don't know if - BETTY GET YOUR CLOTHES ON! - I should give it back } quite yet anyway; Charlie is still a bit afraid of it since - BILL } DON'T CHOKE YOUR SISTER! - the time Sally sharpened - JASON DON'T START } A WAR AGAIN! - its little knife and used it to sign her name on his } hand. It didn't help that she gave him some acid first and he - CHARLIE } WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT THAT CAT?! - thought he was a bread roll at the } time. He's still nervous around colourful birds, - SALLY TURN THAT DOWN } YOU'LL BLOW SOMETHING UP! - and can't say the letter "arrrr". } } I should have - JASON GIVE THAT NICE MAN BACK HIS EXPLOSIVES! - } listened to the neighbours after they called the cops on you kids. Poor } old Mrs Belvefloop. At least she - BETTY STOP TAKING DIRTY PICTURES AND } SELLING THEM ON THE INTERNET! - didn't suffer too much. We were all } lucky that Mr Belvefloop was too senile to press charges, and - SALLY } STOP MAKING THAT BEEPING NOISE! - I can't believe they gave you back } the pirate - it was in remarkable shape, considering where they found } it. } } So, no, I don't think - KIDS STOP FILLING THE KITCHEN WITH DEAD TUNA!! } - it's time to give you back the pirate. } } You owe the Oracle some Prozac and a babysitter.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise, helpful, and omniscient Oracle: > > Your advice has been of great financial advantage to me.  Therefore, I > send you this piece of my revenue as thanks: > > +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ > | T. Grateful Supplicant                                               | > | Bloomington, Indiana 47405                                           | > |                                       _12/17,_2003__    +---------+  | > | Pay to the                                              | 1000.00 |  | > | Order of   __T._Internet_Oracle_____________________    +---------+  | > |                                                                      | > | __One_Thousand_and_00/100__________________________________ Dollars  | > |                                                                      | > |     Bank of Usenet                                                   | > |     127.0.0.1                                                        | > |                                                                      | > | For _Services_Rendered_______      Signed _T._Grateful_Supplicant___ | > +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ > > Use it as you wish, and thank you once more for your advice! > >                                     With regards, >                                          T.G.S.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mere mortal, did you think that the mighty oracle sells it's wisdom and } is capable of darken the pristiness of the Truth by accepting money in } charge, as if The Oracle were a bitch rowling around corners, a bitch } of truth, a mere vehicle for the lowest form of human interaction that } are the economical transactions? } } did you? } } Then you are right. } } You do not owe the Oracle anything. Come back soon, darling.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>             ########        ########        ########        ######## >             ########        ########        ########        ######## >       WR    ## WKn #   WB   ## WK ##   WQ   ## WB ##   WKn  ## WR ## >             ########        ########        ########        ######## >             ########        ########        ########        ######## >     ########        ########        ########        ######## >     ########        ########        ########        ######## >     ## WP ##   WP   ## WP ##        ## WP ##   WP   ## WP ##   WP >     ########        ########        ########        ######## >     ########        ########        ########        ######## >             ########        ########        ########        ######## >             ########        ########        ########        ######## >             ########        ########        ########        ######## >             ########        ########        ########        ######## >             ########        ########        ########        ######## >     ########        ########        ########        ######## >     ########        ########        ########        ######## >     ########        ########   WP   ########        ######## >     ########        ########        ########        ######## >     ########        ########        ########        ######## >             ########        ########        ########        ######## >             ########        ########        ########        ######## >             ########        ########        ########        ######## >             ########        ########        ########        ######## >             ########        ########        ########        ######## >     ########        ########        ########        ######## >     ########        ########        ########        ######## >     ########        ########        ########        ######## >     ########        ########        ########        ######## >     ########        ########        ########        ######## >             ########        ########        ########        ######## >             ########        ########        ########        ######## >       -BP-  ##-BP-##  -BP-  ##-BP-##  -BP-  ##-BP-##  -BP-  ##-BP-## >             ########        ########        ########        ######## >             ########        ########        ########        ######## >     ########        ########        ########        ######## >     ########        ########        ########        ######## >     ##-BR-##  -BKn- ##-BB-##  -BK-  ##-BQ-##  -BB-  ##-BKn-#  -BR- >     ########        ########        ########        ######## >     ########        ########        ########        ######## > > Your move.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} }              ########        ########        ########        ######## }              ########        ########        ########        ######## }        WR    ## WKn #   WB   ## WK ##   WQ   ## WB ##   WKn  ## WR ## }              ########        ########        ########        ######## }              ########        ########        ########        ######## }      ########        ########        ########        ######## }      ########        ########        ########        ######## }      ## WP ##   WP   ## WP ##        ## WP ##   WP   ## WP ##   WP }      ########        ########        ########        ######## }      ########        ########        ########        ######## }              ########        ########        ########        ######## }              ########        ########        ########        ######## }              ########        ########        ########        ######## }              ########        ########        ########        ######## }              ########        ########        ########        ######## }      ########        ########        ########        ######## }      ########        ########        ########        ######## }      ########        ########   WP   ########        ######## }      ########        ########        ########        ######## }      ########        ########        ########        ######## }              ########        ########        ########        ######## }              ########        ########        ########        ######## }              ########        ########        ########        ######## }              ########        ########        ########        ######## }              ########        ########        ########        ######## }      ########        ########        ########  -BP-  ######## }      ########        ########        ########        ######## }      ########        ########  -BP-  ########        ######## }      ########        ########  -BP-  ########        ######## }      ########  -BP-  ########        ########        ######## }              ########        ########        ########        ######## }              ########        ########        ########        ######## }        -BP-  ##-BP-##  -BP-  ########        ##-BP-##        ######## }              ########        ########        ########        ######## }              ########        ########        ########        ######## }      ########        ##-BKn-#        ########        ######## }      ########        ########        ########        ######## }      ##-BR-##        ##-BB-##  -BK-  ########  -BB-  ##-BKn-#  -BR- }      ########        ########        ########        ######## }      ########        ########        ########        ######## } } Damn that cat! Give me a moment, I'll set the pieces back up.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Omniscent Oracle, that knows all languages, > > have you ever been stuck in the middle of a sentence because the word > you need only comes to your mind in a different... linguaggio?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nein, uno af the grande things ved being omniscent is das you nie } have problemen finding das word du suchst.  Regardless von el language. } } You owe the oracle to teach yourself esperanto.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> We love you Oracle, > Oh yes we do... > We don't love anyone > As much as you! > > When you're not with us, > We're blue > Oh Oracle, we love you!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} He's got ninety thousand questions in his in-box } He's got forty thousand tellmes in his queue } He's got supplicants a-plenty whom he answers by the twenty } And his IQ is a million forty-two! } } There is no one quite as wonderful as Orrie! } There is no one quite as brilliant or as wise! } So everybody grovel and be sure to make it novel } Or he'll ZOT you right between the eyes! } } There is no one quite as wonderful as Orrie! } There is no one who has knowledge as profound! } He's wiser than all sages and he shines throughout the ages } It's the Oracle who makes the world go round (round, round) } } So renounce your w**dch*ck ways and give Orrie all your praise } For it's Orrie, Orrie, Orrie makes the world go round! } } (Orrie, Orrie, Orrie, Orrie }   Orrie, Orrie, Orrie, Orrie }   Orrie!)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, knower of things that can't be known, seer of > things that can't be seen, doer of things that can't be done: > Some people like to believe that if John Lennon hadn't been > murdered, the Beatles might have gotten back together.  But > I have to wonder if it would really have been the same.  If > the Beatles *had* gotten back together, say about 1995, what > would it have been like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In order to answer this question, I must probe down into the deepest } recesses of knowledge so ancient that it loops back around and into } the future again, and then back to just 9 years ago on an alternate } timeline. I could explain the scientific principles behind this, } but that's alot of math and you are obviously a music historian, } so you most likely don't give a damn. } } Truth be told, I was never a fan of their late music and their } reunion album, "Purple Submarine," (after John's description, while } on painkillers, of the bullet removed from his leg) was an overall } dissapointment. The rise of Hiphop and badly mixed techno had not, } at this point, completely worn off, so instead of fighting it they } decided to take what they had each learned from the years of separation } and put it to good use. The result was mind blowing, but only sounded } like music if you were on several thousand mics of LSD. } } This should serve as a warning, first and foremost, against tampering } with history. The simple question of "What if" is harmless on its own, } but when you go around looking for a timeline in which John Lennon } not only lived, but actually reunited the beatles, that's just asking } for trouble. } } You owe the oracle an apology for making it listen to that crap.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You wake up with a start.  You set your alarm clock wrong again, and it > didn't go off.  Now you're two hours late for work, and the boss > told you if you were late once more, you'd get fired.  And your > parents told you if you got fired once more, they'd throw you out. > "Right, that's it," you think, "time to genocide the human race!" > > You see: >         a desk >         some clothes >         an alarm clock > Exits: West > > > i > > You are wearing: >         some pyjamas > You have: >         nothing > > > undress > > You take off your pyjamas. > > > get clothes > > You get the clothes. > > > wear clothes > > You wear the clothes. > > > examine desk > > The desk has junk on it, and a drawer. > > > examine junk > > You see: >          a rubber chicken > > > get chicken > > You get the rubber chicken. > > > open drawer > > You open the drawer. > > > examine drawer > > You see inside it: >         a portable mini thermonuclear device > > > get device > > You get the thermonuclear device. > > > look > > You see: >         a desk >         an alarm clock > > > i > > You are wearing: >         some clothes > You have: >         a rubber chicken >         a portable thermonuclear device > > >

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > examine device } } The thermonuclear device is about the size of a baseball. It is } powerful enough to obliterate a large city. There are two buttons on } the device; one is red and one is green. } } > push button } } Which button do you mean, the red button or the green button? } } > red } } You push the red button. The device begins emitting a soft beeping } noise. } } The thermonuclear device will detonate in five minutes. } } > attach device to chicken } } You attach the thermonuclear devise to the rubber chicken. } } The thermonuclear device will detonate in four minutes, fifty seconds. } } > stretch chicken } } You stretch the rubber chicken as far as it will go. } } The thermonuclear device will detonate in four minutes, forty seconds. } } > release chicken } } What direction do you want to fire in? } } > w } } You release the chicken toward the door. The thermonuclear device } shoots across the room and into the hallway. You hear it hit the far } wall and roll to a stop. } } The thermonuclear device will detonate in four minutes, twenty seconds. } } > w } } You walk into the hallway of your house. Your bedroom is east. Your } parent's room is northeast. The dining room is south. The bathroom is } west. } } You see: }         a portable thermonuclear device }         a piece of paper } Exits: East, South, Northeast, West, Out } } The thermonuclear device will detonate in four minutes, ten seconds. } } > get device } } You pick up the thermonuclear device. } } The thermonuclear device will detonate in four minutes, five seconds. } } > get paper } } You get the piece of paper. } } The thermonuclear device will detonate in four minutes. } } > out } } You are in front of your house. A garden and lawn lie in front of the } house. To the east you see the garage. The front door is south. There is } a mailbox here. } } Exits: North, East, In } } The thermonuclear device will detonate in three minutes, forty-five } seconds. } } > attach device to chicken } } You attach the thermonuclear devise to the rubber chicken. } } The thermonuclear device will detonate in three minutes, thirty-five } seconds. } } > stretch chicken } } You stretch the rubber chicken as far as it will go. } } The thermonuclear device will detonate in three minutes, twenty-five } seconds. } } > release chicken } } What direction do you want to fire in? } } > n } } You release the rubber chicken. The device flies across the street and } lands in a neighbor's lawn. In the distance, you see the neighbor's } vicious dog rush toward the device and begin chewing it. You begin to } ponder the wisdom of detonating a 100 megaton thermonuclear device in } your immediate vicinity. } } The thermonuclear device will detonate in three minutes, five seconds. } } > open mailbox } } You open the mailbox. } } You see inside it: }           a pile of junk mail } } The thermonuclear device will detonate in three minutes. } } > get mail } } You get the large bundle of junk mail. } } The thermonuclear device will detonate in two minutes, fifty seconds. } } > read mail } } You leaf through the junk mail. There's nothing much to catch your } interest, until you see a flyer with a magic marker attached. } } The thermonuclear device will detonate in one minute, twenty seconds. } } > read flyer } } The flyer is an advertisement for a stationery company. It announces } that one of the magic markers it has sent out has real magical } properties. Could you be the lucky one? } } The thermonuclear device will detonate in fifty-five seconds. } } > get marker } } You take the magic marker. } } The thermonuclear device will detonate in fifty seconds. } } > examine marker } } It doesn't look very impressive. It's covered in garish colors. There is } a cap on one end. } } The thermonuclear device will detonate in forty-six seconds. } } > use marker } } What do you want to write on? } } > paper } } You scrawl on the piece of paper. } } What type of scroll do you want to write? } } > genocide } } It worked! You have written a scroll of genocide. } } The thermonuclear device will detonate in fourteen seconds. } } > examine scroll } } The scroll reads "DAIYEN FOOELS". If you've done it right, it will } genocide any species once read. } } The thermonuclear device will detonate in ten seconds. } } > read scroll } } You have found a scroll of genocide! } } What monster do you want to genocide? } } > humans } } Wiped out all humans. } } You wipe out the entire species, one second before the thermonuclear } device creates a twenty-mile crater around you. So only all those poor } animals in the area get obliterated in the explosion. } } You have died. } } Do you want your possessions identified? } } > y } } You were wearing: }         some clothes } You had: }         a rubber chicken }         a pile of junk mail } } You scored a total of 46 points, out of a total of 500. } This gives you the rank of junior terrorist. } To earn the next rank you need another 29 points. } Play again? (y/n) } } > n

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OK Orrie, lets play a little Russian Roulette.... > > /me places a single live bullet into the revolver and spins the wheel. > /me puts gun to head and pulls the trigger > > *..click..* > > Your turn!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *..click..* } } *..click..* } } *..click..* } } *..click..* } } Your turn. } } You owe The Oracle an brief speech on why it is not a good idea to play } Roulette with an Oracle.