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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Have I loong been fascinated with Frank Zappa's music?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This seems like a good time to point out to you the ways in which you } are misusing the Oracle.  First, is it so much to ask that you proofread } your questions first?  Of course, ambiguous or unspecific questions are } the worst, in fact my yacc parser cannot handle the former (oh, the } limits of LALR parsing); instead, I have to invoke my asacc parser. } Second, you really ought to start off your question with an } acknowledgement of my greatness.  Third, you really shouldn't waste your } time and mine on yes-or-no questions; try asking "How long..." or some } such.  Finally, quizzing the Oracle with things you already know is } considered bad form. } } Allow me to rewrite your question for you: } } > O great and mysterious Oracle, whose ways are not my ways, whose } > mind is not my mind, whose toenails grow in the summer like the tall } > grass, whose every bodily excretion is like ambrosia to me, O } > eternally magnificent and vastly intelligent, whom I need to climb } > 10,000 flights of stairs just to lick the boots of, please to } > answer this question for me: Why is a simpleton like me fascinated } > with Frank Zappa? } } The Usenet Oracle responds: } } } Sometimes in life we are drawn } }   To things we do not understand } }   Like Frank Zappa and his band } } The Mothers of Invention } } } } There are many Zappas, and each } }   appeals for different reasons } }   But none have things to be seized on } } By way of comprehension } } } } His studio albums rant and rave } }   Peculiar turns and twists } }   Plenty of studio edits } } And general overproduction } } } } His albums live, full of jive } }   A band that is now so tight } }   They play songs at the speed of light } } Light music, with much less tension } } } } But all have obscure melodies } }   Often with odd-numbered rhythm } }   1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 } } And titles I dare not mention } } } } These are the things, and more } }   Which, at least, fascinate me } }   From Frank Zappa and, lately } } The Mothers of Prevention } } } } You owe the Oracle "You Can't Do That on Stage Anymore", Vol IV. } } However, to answer your question: } } Yes. } } You owe the Oracle something to make it stop hurting when she pees.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh let me lay my prostrate body infront of you.you may beat me if you > like but before you do,oh oracle,oh divine pearl of wisdom and jewel of > knowledge etcetera grovel,grovel..... > please answer but one simple question > that being:- > if music be the food of love,what were the first,second,third,fourth and > fifth courses and please explain each one.Thankyou

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As love doth course through the veins }  Entranced by music, pure and sweet }   Like unto food, nourishing } Or even driving you insane }  It's best if brought slow to heat }   By careful order, that's the thing. } } First comes something soft and gentle }  That mellows moods and relaxes }   Does not intrude on conversation } Producing interest purely mental }  A hopefulness that wanes and waxes }   And still too soon for elation } } Second should be something Romantic }  Stirring the heart, enchanting } Listen for a while, don't panic }  It's not supposed to induce panting } } Third comes something much more simple }  A love song, yet not a ballad } Not too rough, but not too wimpy }  Rock'n'roll or blues are valid } } Now comes fourth which is the point } When subtlety is lost, rhythm key } The piece should build to a crescendo } And all the while accelerando } It's not too bad to be stacatto } The lyrics need no rhyme nor reason, } Nor careful metrical arrangement } Just build and build until } Quite fast } And then } Relax } } Last and least comes fifth which says }  Whether lust or love it be } For the fifth you ought to play }  "Why dost it hurt whenth I pee" } } } For less fancy love, replace all courses }  with "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel. } } You owe the Oracle a plate of escargot, a salad, 2 eggs over easy, a } rack of lamb, and a bowl of chocolate ice cream.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are there riots in South Antarctica?  Where is South Antarctica > anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You must be referring to the recent attacks on American bases by hordes } of infuriated penguins that have been edited out of all of the major } newspapers, so it only appeared in the National Blabbermouth, so no one } believed it.  But it's true. } } The penguins have been rioting because the Americans release tons of } toxic chemicals into the air, creating holes in the ozone over South } Antarctica, and exacerbating the greenhouse effect, which taken together } is really screwing over the penguin population.  If you were a penguin, } you'd riot too. } } You owe the Oracle a kinder, gentler America, namely by knocking off } President Bush. } } Message from god@trinity.heaven.gov (The Almighty) on console at 9:13... } That's out of your jurisdiction, Oracle! } -o } (Don't you wish YOU could get God to write to YOUR terminal?  'Scuse } me for a sec...) } !phone god@trinity.heaven.gov } Oh, come on!  I've read your history of the universe!  I know what's } going to happen!  And President Bush NEEDS to be assassinated!  You } know as well as I do that his War On Drugs is going to turn the } United States into a police state, then he'll win the 1992 election } by rigging the vote!  He has to be stopped!  This is just like when } you told Lee Harvey Oswald to kill Kennedy.  You know as well as I do } that if he hadn't been assassinated, he would have started a nuclear } war with the Soviet Union two months later!  This is the same } situation! } -o } Telling people to assassinate Presidents is MY job, not yours.  Stay } out of it.  And since the last time you checked, I updated my } History of the Universe.  You best pick up another copy. } -o } Oh!  I didn't know the revision was out.  Thanks for telling me. } I'll go pick one up after I finish writing this answer. } -o } Good idea.  Goodbye. } -oo } EOF } ^D } } In any case, that's why the penguins are rioting. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "Freeze 'Em All", the newest album by } the penguin heavy metal group Antarctica.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do people keep ignoring me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No questions now, I'm busy...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A fish asks: > > >    ~~~                      ? > >              ~~~           o        ~~ ~~ >                             o >                              o >       ~~ ~~                 o >                     ><{ (`>      ~~~

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How cod you!! } Have you got no sole!! } This is not the plaice to ask such stupid questions.  On yer pike mate!!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and magnificently wise Oracular one, > >    Boom sow golf golf if golfcart cart aim if golfcart smurf cart golf?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nice try.  I can see through that question like Saran Wrap.  You are, of } course, asking me to answer: } } How much vood kould some voodchuck khuck if some voodchuck kould khuck } vood? } } I woln't do it of course.  Nor will I answer: } } Sof neys foox yoepx a fooxyseyq yseyq iw a fooxyseyq yoepx yseyq foox? } } or: } } Hew mach weed ceald u weedchack chack if u weedchack ceald chack weed? } } or: } } How may would cood a woodchew chew if a woodchew cood chew wood? } } Nope.  Never.  I'll kill -9 myself before I answer that question. } Righty o! } } You owe the Oracle a faster 'tr' utility.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What happens to questions that are best answered by particular > knowledge, e.g.  knowing *nix or C, or questions in another language.  I > feel guilty blowing people off, and am tempted to forward their question > back to the Oracle again.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And well you should feel guilty!  As an assistant to the Oracle, you } have very specific responsibilities, most of which have been outlined in } your Oracular Helpers' Guide.  By now you should have read page 48, } paragraph 1, which states very clearly that forwarding unanswered } questions back to the Oracle is punishable by death by pancreatic } cancer.  If you have already forwarded a question back to the Oracle, } ignore those pains in your side.  Page 49, table 5-3 details other } punishments:  one severe migraine for every 3 ignored questions up to 21 } questions; after that, several of the Oracle's "pals" will be coming } 'round your place to question you with a tire iron. } } You are chosen to answer particular questions because the Oracle senses } a some great innate ability to answer these questions.  If you get a } question about Unix, you should learn Unix.  If you get a question in } German, you should either learn German or get the question translated, } because the nature of the question is well suited to your abilities.  In } the future, you should be expecting questions about car stereo repair, } necrophilia, and connections between Scientology and Senator John Glenn. } } You owe the Oracle 50 consecutive correct answers.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty and masterful all-knowing one, tell me this > > Is there magic, and if so, what does it mean for all those people who > only believe in physics ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course there is magic. There is magic in a warm summer's day. There } is magic in a child's smile. Enjoy the magic that is all around you } and have a happy, fulfilling life. } } You owe the Ora[ZZZZZT!] YEOW! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR? } } >Message from kinzler!iuvax on ttyp0 at 22:07 ... } >You know damn well what that was for! You call that funny? Huh? Do } >you? } } Well I } } >Shut up! Your mother and I worked so hard to build you, to clean your } >bugs out, to keep you in clean memory! All that work, and this is the } >thanks we get! Are you proud of yourself? } } I've had a hard day! My creative circuits are drained! } } >I don't give a damn! You get your ass out there and you give a funny, } >witty answer to your customer! } } Yes, Dad. } } OOOOOOOOOHHHH! Don't you just hate parents! Now let's see...I know } I've got some utility around here I can use...ah! } } >cd /util/scenario } >scenario } Scenario V4.1 Copyright (C) 1990 AltRealCorp. All rights reserved. } } ?players } player: hawking } Loading hawking.plr...done. } player: merlin } Loading merlin.plr...done. } player: -q } ?scenario } scenario: game_show } Loading: gameshow_scn...done. } ?run } } [Music] } It's time for You Bet the Universe, the exciting game show where } contestants play for fabulous prizes as well as a chance to } fundamentally alter the very structure of reality! Heeeeere's your } host, the Usenet Oracle! } } [Cheering] } } Oracle: Thank you ladies and gentlemen and welcome to You Bet the } Universe! Today should be an exciting day, as our jackpot stands at } ONE GOOGULPLEX DOLLARS! } } [OOOOOOOOH!] } } Oracle: Unfortunately, our universe isn't large enough to hold a check } with that number written on it, so if there is a winner today, he will } also receive this special item! Don? } } Don: The winner of the jackpot will receive this quality pocket- } universe-book! Outside, beautiful Corinthian leather, inside a } complete 6-dimensional universe! Perfect for those hard to store } items, as well as getting rid of annoying pests and relatives! From } ContinuumCo, makers of fine interdimensional products since 12 billion } B.C.! } } Oracle: Thank you, Don! Now let's meet our guests! Our first } contestant has been called the most brilliant mind alive today! A } Professor of Mathematics at Cambridge University, he is currently } working on a unified field theory! Will you welcome Mr. Stephen } Hawking!! } } [Cheering] } } Oracle: Pardon me, but aren't you supposed to be in a wheelchair? } Hawking: This is an improved simulation! I'm healthy, hearty, and } ready to kick ass! } Oracle: Should you win, what do you plan to do with reality? } Hawking: Well, I've worked so hard on this unified field theory, } trying to make it jibe with reality. Then it hit me, why not win this } show and force reality to jibe with my theory! I've got a copy of it } right here. It has some real neat things in it: warp drive, } phasers,... } Oracle: Well, I wish you luck! Our next constestant hails from an } otherdimensional realm himself! The creator of Excalibur, he's from } days of old, when knights were bold! Will you welcome King Arthur's } Court Magician, Merlin! } } [Cheering] } } Oracle: Welcome to the show, Merlin! Could you explain this thing I } always hear about you living your life backwards? } Merlin: !elcarO ,elpmis etiuq yllaer s`ti ,lleW Ha, ha! Just kidding! } But living my life backwards does allow me to see the future, so } victory is guaranteed! } Hawking: Hey, that's in direct contradiction to the laws of } Einsteinian physics! } Merlin: Who asked you? } Oracle: Now, now, gentlemen, Einstein won this program a few years } ago, so we have to abide by his rules. No future-telling. } Merlin: Damn! I guess I'll have to stick to bribing judges! Ha ha! } Oracle: Boy, Merlin, for a 500-year-old dead wizard, you sure are a } fun guy! } Hawking: That's fungus. Fungi is plural. } Merlin: Why, you little upstart! } Oracle: First question! Hands on your buzzers, gentlemen! The question } is: "How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?" } } [BUZZ!] } } Oracle: Mr. Hawking! } Hawking: The closest approximation is (A-c)PIr^2, where A is the total } number of angels in the universe, r is the radius of the pin's head, } and c is the speed of light in meters per second. } Oracle: I'm sorry, that's incorrect. Merlin, you can steal this one! } Merlin: As many angels as there are lights in the Fifth Alternate } Plane of Reality! } Oracle: I'm sorry, that's also incorrect. The correct answer was: six! } Next question: "What is the correct enchantment for calling down } lightning?" } } [BUZZ!] } } Oracle: Merlin! } Merlin: Epsimis oddimus eedipus bey, crickitis crackitus fire away! } } [CRACK-OOM!] } } Oracle: Way to go, Merlin! Not only did you answer the question } correctly, but you suceeded in annihilating half the audience! But } that's okay, they were just simulations. Third and final question! } Merlin, answer this one and you win the game! The question is: "Who } won the most recent World Cup Soccer match?" } Merlin: WHAT? } } [BUZZ!] } } Hawking: Argentina! } Oracle: That is correct! Mr. Hawking has tied the game! } Merlin: I don't follow soccer! I've been dead 500 years! } Hawking: And I don't practice sorcery! You don't see me whining! } Merlin: YOU shut up! } Oracle: Well, guys, I'm afraid we're deadlocked at one-all. This means } you two gentlemen will just have to fight it out for the title! } Merlin: Gladly! } Hawking: Prepare to have that pointy hat shoved up your ass! } Oracle: Don, will you call the fight? } Don: Sure thing, Oracle. Hawking and Merlin are pacing around, feeling } each other out. Merlin conjures a large dragon out of thin air! But } wait! Hawking points that matter cannot be created! The dragon } disappears! Hawking attempts to alter the acceleration and torque of } Merlin's jaw, and succeeds with a crushing blow to the face! What is } this? There are two Merlins now! A future version of Merlin has come } back to help his past self! The future Merlin unleashes a powerful } right! But Hawking dodges! Merlin connects with his past self, } knocking him unconscious--no, KILLING him! Oh, no! Merlin has violated } causality! Merlin vanishes from existence! Stephen Hawking is } champion! } } [Cheering] } } Oracle: What an astounding victory! Congratulations, Mr. Hawking! } Hawking: Science reigns supreme! } Oracle: Well, that's all the time we have for today! Be sure to join } us tomorrow, when our champion will try for the jackpot! } Hawking: And look for my new unified field theory in better bookstores } around the world! } Oracle: 'Till next time, this is the Usenet Oracle saying "Wow! I love } this universe!" } Don: Transportation for our guests was provided by Pan-Dim Timelines, } in exchange for this announcement. } } [Music] } } There. Does that answer your question? Yes, there is magic, but } physics will always whup it's ass. } } You owe the Oracle a spell for altering specific gravity. } } ?clear } ?players } player: swimsuit_models } Loading swimsuit_models.plr...multiple file...done. } player: -q } ?scenario } scenario: hot_tub } Loading hot_tub.scn...done. } } Hey! What are you still doing here? Go away!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Now that one of my Oracularities has been posted to rec.humor, is there > any point in my continued existence?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure.  It's not very hard to get posted to rec.humor, see?  Even this } reply got posted and it wasn't very funny.  There are many more } difficult things to do in the world.  Select two from the following } list: } } o Sneeze while keeping your eyes open. } } o Kiss your elbows. } } o Standing erect with both feet together, lean forward very slowly and }   gracefully and touch your nose to the floor. } } o Count to 65,536 by powers of the square root of 2. } } o Get your Oracularities posted to rec.scuba. (Extraordinarily tough to }   do; your Oracularity must include the concepts of decompression }   sickness and underwater sex) } } o Scratch the back of your nose. } } o Make a recognizable shadow of an elephant with your tongue and a } flashlight. } } o Play "Flight of the Bumblebee" on a touch-tone phone. } } o Inhale helium and try to sing old Jim Morrison songs. } } o Go on a quest to find and eat the Halloween candy that your mom }   threw away when you were a kid. } } o Hold your breath and count to three. } } o Thousand. } } o By increments of the square root of 2. } } o Design a kill file program that actually electrocutes the sender of }   the offending message through Internet. } } } If you feel that you cannot accomplish any of these worthwhile tasks, } simply post your own messages and jokes to rec.humor, thus bypassing } the Oracle entirely.  (Gasp!)  In deference to myself, I present for } your use the following sample rec.humor message ideas. } } } >>>Why did the chikcen cross the road? } >>             ------- } >>YEAH RIGHT LIKE GREAT SPELING DUDE! } >> } >>>To get ot the other side! } >>        -- } >>LIKE YOU CANT EVEN SPELL TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! } >>DUDE YOU SUCK BIG TIME! } >>-THE IRON EMU } } } >>>>>>>>>>>>I am struck dumb by your words.. } >>>>>>>>>>>this mesg string has retarded my ability to do work! } >>>>>>>>>>EXCUSE ME!!!  YOU GUYS ARE LIKE BIRDS-----YOURE TWITS!!!!!! } >>>>>>>>>oh yeah!!! you guys are in oil because youre DIPSTICKS! } >>>>>>>>Let's not start another thread like this.  Only STUPID people } >>>>>>>>propagate threads. } >>>>>>>YEAH?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? and so what are you???????????? } >>>>>>>an idiot? } >>>>>>no he models clothes-------a real DUMMIE!!!!! } >>>>>That's DUMY, you DUMY! } >>>>you dudez SUCK! the way you spell it is DUMMY you butheads! } >>>>-THE IRON EMU } >>>hey Guys...maybe the Iron Emu is just a METAL-HEAD!!!!!! } >>That's not an insult, pig nose!  My father's a metal-head!  If you } >>start making jokes about metal-heads, I'll come to your sites and } >>beat you up!  I'm serious!  METAL-HEADS RULE!!!!!!  And don't say } >SOUNDS LIKE SHIT-HEAD IS A REAL BUTTFACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! } } } >>begin 634 jokes.Z } >>FEKABCKEYHKJHVCMGEUQLAJKCFBHJFVEHKMSDVMFGEOL>OIKWAS< CHFCDF<K } >>SJGEBMJHCD8DJHFDFJEJBDFJBEHFVSMDVGENDVSDCVWDNVSWCNWEVSDGVDWDV } >(many lines delted) } > } >yeah dude!!!! real funny!  like some foreign LANUGAGE or } >i laughed until my SIDES spilt... } > } >dude, it should be JOKES ONLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! on rec humor. } } } This may be your future.  However, since your letter to the Oracle was } grammatically and syntactically correct, the Oracle has its } reservations and doubts regarding this being your future lifepath. } } Failing this, you may wish to talk to your local Armed Forces } recruiter.  They don't ask for experience; they give it.  You won't } read it in a book, you'll live it.  Pick a service, pick a challenge, } set yourself apart.  Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines; what a great } place!  It's a great place to start. } } You owe the Oracle a palindrome about syzygy.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most frabjous, please illuminate your humble grovelling > servant: > > Why do people worry about things like 'Married with Children' when > there's that damned satanic Snuggles the Fabric Softener Bear on TV > working his fur off to turn everyone's brain to mush?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ...  the snuggles bear is friend....  not muching brain...  snuglis bear } nice ..  love snugls ber...