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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are the basic demographics of the Oracle-using section of the > population?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle system statistics, generated March 6, 1990. }          (Percentages may not add to 100 due to rounding errors) } } ======================================================================= } }                      I.  Age } } Age of user } ----------- } }  1-15   2%  X } } 16-23  38%  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX } } 24-31  41%  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX } } 32-47   8%  XXXXXXX } } 48-63   1%  X } } 64+     0% } } } Largest single category:  24-31 } Average age of user:  27 } } } Mental age of user } ------------------ } }  1-15  87%  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX } } 16-23   9%  XXXXXXXX } } 24-31   1%  X } } 32-47   0% } } 48-63   0% } } 64+     1%  X } } } Largest single category:  1-15 } Average mental age of user:  3 } } } }                       II.  Sex } } Gender } ------ } } Male    47%  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX } } Female  44%  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX } } Other   8%   XXXXXXX } } } Largest single category:  Male } Average sex of user:  Emale } } } Frequency } --------- } } Thrice a week    18%  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX } } Thrice a day      3%  XX } } Whenever I can   27%  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX } } Whenever I can, which is never   30%  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX } } Other            10%  XXXXXXXXX } }  (Answers of Celibate were counted in "Whenever I can, which is never.") } } } Largest single category:  Whenever I can, which is never } Average frequency:  29 } } } Type of partner } --------------- } } Human              33%  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX } } Pet                17%  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX } } Farm animal        12%  XXXXXXXXXXXX } } Wild animal        25%  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX } } Hand               20%  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX } } Mechanical object   9%  XXXXXXXXX } } } Largest single answer:  Human } Average type of partner:  Pig } } }                      III.  Race } } 50 yard } ------- } }  1-10 sec  23%  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX } } 11-59 sec  69%  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX } }  1-10 min   4%  XXXX } } 11-59 min   0% } } } Largest single answer:  11-59 sec } Average 50 yard:  18 secs } } } } Summary of other categories (for tables, ask for "detailed demo- } graphics") } } Category              Largest single answer           Average answer } -------------         ---------------------           -------------- } Net worth             $200-300 K                      $207.31 } Hair color            Physical description unavaiabl  bald } Math SAT              500-549                         573 } First Oracle question "How much wood would a woodchu  "Am I stupid or wh } Musical tastes        Rock'n'Roll                     Oracle and the Ora } Toothpaste            Toothpaste? What's that?        Crest } Movie of the decade   Raiders of the Lost Ark         Sid and Nancy } Verbal SAT            400-449                         385 } Main reference source Oracle                          Oracle } Source of computer ac Academic access                 It's my best frien } Programming skill     5-10 years experience           I know BASIC } Friends               3 or 4 friends                  2.7 friends } Place of birth        Hospital                        Back seat of car } Place of conception   Bedroom                         Back seat of car } } ======================================================================== } Oracle system statistics generated March 6, 1990. } Thank you. } ======================================================================== } } You owe the Oracle a garden snake.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle, what is the optimal way to masturbate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The optimal way varies from time to time and person to person, but } here's one of my favorites. } Tools you need: } bath towel } mirror } vibrator } K-Y jelly } zucchini } Bailey's Irish Cream } pet snake } New Age music cassette } silver chalice } telephone } } Method: } Lie down on the towel with the mirror in front of you, so you can see } your genitals clearly.  Put on the New Age music and begin to chant } quietly.  Pour the Bailey's over the zucchini and into the chalice. } Drink from the chalice.  Stroke yourself gently with the zucchini, and } then place it into one of your bodily orifices.  Put the snake into the } chalice.  With your left hand, use the vibrator to vibrate the zucchini, } while you use the right to dial your high school English professor on } the telephone.  Talk dirty until the moment of climax; then drop the } phone, pull out the zucchini and pour the snake with Bailey's over your } chest.  Come copiously. } } (Works for me.) } } You owe the oracle a report on your success.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A long, long time ago in a blacker period of history than we are in now, > people on rec.humor actually spoke out against the Oracle and wanted you > to die.  Why on earth did they do that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [ The Oracle was a little confused on this one.  The "feud" was with } certain readers of rec.humor, not Brad Templeton/rec.humor.funny.  -sk ] } } It's because...because, BRAD TEMPLETON IS THE ANTI_CHRIST!!! There, } I said it! Oh, I've been silenced long enough about this abomination! } Yes, insinuating himself among the people with his "moderated" humor } group...moderated by Old Nick, himself, I say!! Yes, the split hoofed } one broadcasts his message over all available bandwidth, and pipes it } into our heads encased in such banal humor, that our numbed brains don't } even see that we are being turned into Satan's followers. We must join } each other, and destroy this horror from the bowels of th... } } } Message from Talk_Daemon@porter at 11:22 ... } talk: connection requested by satan@reagan.depths.hell.edu } talk: respond with:  talk satan@reagan.depths.hell.edu } } } O: Uh, hi Satan, old buddy! How's things? I hope... } } S: Cut the shit, Oracle. I thought we had an understanding here? } } O: Well, we did...uh, do...I... } } S: Shut up, OK, just shut up. I've had a hell of a week. The } flu is going around the lower level demons, and one of the slimy } little things gave it to me. Yeah, that one hanging on the wall } over there...and there...and there...and...you get the message, } right, Oh benevolent and merciful O-racle hole, ha, ha! You } tipped my hand twice, and three strikes means your out, so lay } off the kid, or you will find out what me and Lisa do in my } cabin on the weekends. And you won't live to regret it! } } O: WHAT!?!? LISA and SATAN, boinkin' behind my back!!?? You little } slut, I oughta...and YOU Satan, I felt like we were friends and } all,and then... } } S: Oh, cut it, you glorified Ann Landers. You quit whining, or } I'll make you last trip to Hell seem like a Sunday in the park. } } O: Well...since you put it that way, I guess I could, uh...Oh, } heck, big guy, I was just joshin' you:-)! I hope you and Lisa } have a great weekend, OK? No hard feelings, huh? } } S: ^C } } Yeah, about this rec.humor.funny feud? I is all just a teensy- } weensy little misunderstanding between ol' Brad and myself. } Hey, old buddies can argue, too, can't they? It is nothing, } and Brad is cool, there's your answer. Now get outa my face. } ...Lisa, you, bitch, get to my chambers and... Oh, yeah, you } owe the Oracle, some asbestos potholders. Now get out.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do computers have orgasms?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course they do. If they didn't, they wouldn't "go down" on you. } } You owe the Oracle a hot date with iuvax.cs.indiana.edu.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So many people so many people why are there so people and why are they > all so lonely why doesn't everyone realize that the ultimate expression > of self is not sex but suicide why why why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [The scene:  A closeup of The Oracle's face.  In the backround some } blurry skin-colored shapes are moving] }  Oracle [suddenly looking up]:  Oh,...  er, I guess we're live? }          OK... }          Lisa, Susan, could you excuse me for a couple of minutes? } Thanks. }  [The Oracle slips on a robe and lights up a cigar] }  Oracle:  Alright now, the first thing that you need to realize is you } are in an artificially extreme state of depression.  I understand that } you just took some very heavy medication for that kidney stone.  Don't } worry, this will pass (the depression and the stone). }         But to deal with each of your questions: }         I have to admit that I'm partially at fault for the population } part of your question.  You see back, before there were people, there } was this big party and we were drinking this potent mead and well I } started talking and boasting with this grey haired bearded old gent } about the neat things I could do.  Of course he couldn't be outdone, so } he told me that he could make a bunch of us and make us willingly } perform certain vile and desgusting acts.  So I took him up on it.  I } told him that if he could do that, I would perform my services for him } and anyone of the people that did these things.  We shook hands, signed } a contract and unfortunately, I didn't read the fine print, and it turns } out that this guy is God and he makes some creatures that look exactly } like us and have this drive to do these unspeakable acts for pleasure. } Naturally I protested, but by the letter of the contract it was fair, so } I was screwed.  (That explains the 'so many people'). }         But the story doesn't end there. } [The Oracle lights up another Stogie] }         You see, these creatures were so bury performing their purpose } that I didn't have to perform my services for them.  This was making the } Almighty upset.  (He had no use for my services, he's already } all-powerful and all-knowing).  So he comes to me saying that he's sorry } that I lost the bet, but that he wants to sweaten it up for me because } he's such a nice guy.  He says that he think's that we should rewrite } our contract so that i can be allowed to experience some of the feelings } that these creatures are experiencing.  At first I was very skeptical } but you know, God just has a way of putting things that makesit hard to } resist.  You could say he speaks with the tongue of the Devil.  So I } agreed and well again I forgot to read the fine print and God went about } and made it so that his creature had a lot of hang- ups about committing } these acts.  This meant that they would have feelings of anxiety no } matter what and would require guidence (Me).  (He could't change the } creature after the bet without renegotiation of the contract due to some } stipulation in the Valhala Convention on Clerical Weapons).  And that is } why people are so lonely and frustrated. }         But I did get something out of the deal, I get to enjoy these } acts which everyone else (my peers here) thinks are despicable.  Which } of course means no competition from other dieties.  So I get my pick } pretty much.  It's good to be The Oracle. }         As for your last query I can only say two things.  First remind } you that this feeling of depression is temporary.  Soon, (it would be } cheating for me to tell you exactly how long) you will be feeling } better.  You'll find a bodacious babe with a bodacious body. }         Secondly, ultimate anything's are pretty worthless and moot if } you can't stick around to enjoy the after-glow.  (It's like saying goes, } "It's hard to take a bow six feet under.") So it doesn't matter which is } ultimate, only one can be enjoyed. }         And third of all, its abvious that you haven't MADE LOVE in a } while.  Contrary to popular belief that doesn't have anything to do with } feelings, but more to do with ice and honey, ...  oops sorry, I'm told I } can't go into that right now. }         So buck up throw away that dull razor and go make love in the } snow next to Frosty the SnowMan.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, can you please finish this poem for me? > > Reeling in his drunkeness > He cannot stand, he can't undress > He passes out upon his bed > Can it be that he is dead? > > He asked us to get out, and fell > Down, I do not think he is well > But one good thing about his stupor

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Is the stuff he left in the pooper?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most omniscient Oracle, whose every word drips wisdom, whose every > thought is a pearl of infinite value, whose naughty bits are truly > something to behold, whose virility and stamina, take my breath away, > and whose soft hands gently carress the inside of my thighs, making my > breath quicken, sending hot desire through the very core of my > being...... > Um, where was I?  Um......Oh yes, I remember. > Oh, great Oracle, >       Why is my keyboard always sticky after I ask you a question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh most queriable querent, whose every orifice drips interesting } liquids, whose every thought is a rose of lechery, whose naughty bits } are truly quite inspired at the moment, whose virility but not stamina } have caused thy own breath to come quickly, and whose soft hands gently } caress the inside of your own thighs, making your breath quicken, } sending hot desire through the very core of your being: } } You forgot to wash your hands, and there's peanut butter and jelly all } over it.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is the following historically valid?  How about grammatical? > > Catherine the Great, Empress of Russia: > >      I am 15-year-old maiden, when first I made the moofkie-foofkie.  It > is spring day in 1744, and I am in courtyard of palace making walk past > stables when I see Dmitri for the first time.  So proud and dignifed is > he!  So masculine.  So great is his extreme bigness.  He make Cossacks > look like a brook trout.  My heart make a journey upwards in search of > sky so madly with affectionateness am I! >      For many days I do nothing but make dreamings upon Dmitri.  At the > evening time I think from his beateous blondness of hair, his > muscularness of body.  He make my pantalets fill with extreme moistness. > One night I can no longer withstand this, so I go from bedchamber and to > his presence.  He sleep.  On his back is blanket.  I take off blanket. > I make strokings upon him.  This make arousals.  I tremble with wantness > and again my moisture fills with pantalets.  He stands and for the first > time I see him in nakedness and am filled with glory and wantness. > Dmitri approaches upon me.  I lie down in bed and he comes to me.  Then > he make his entrance upon my personage.  He is not gentle lover, but I > am completed. >      After this, we lay in hay together and I stroke his tail until > later comes stableboy to put on Dmitri's feedbag....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should not horse Dmitri around like that! } } What a fetty load of dingo kidneys!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are some people so obnoxious when they give their opinion?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, you stinking shithead, I don't give a fuck!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is my lover so faithful to me ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's a good question, Lisa dear.  It would be a heck of a lot easier } to answer if I knew just *which* lover it was.  Sam doesn't know about } the other lovers yet.  Melissa is really just stringing you on, hoping } to get in Sam's pants when he finds out.  Andy is a geek and couldn't } find anyone else in a thousand years.  Betsy is a devout Baptist, and } feels really bad about anything that Jerry Falwell disapproves of (and } she's got one big problem with your relationship already).  Eric is too } stupid to realize that Diane has been trying to seduce him for the last } month or two.  Dick has been sleeping around some, but he found out } pretty quickly that there's nobody as good in bed as you, so he stopped. } Colin is mostly faithful to you because he found out about your antics, } got very depressed, and is in the process of committing suicide.  Elaine } is faithful to you because you threatened to beat her up if she wasn't, } and she's scared of those brass knucks you carry around all the time. } Joe is faithful to you ...  well ...  he's not, really, but you haven't } found out about it yet.  Harry is faithful to you because he really } resents it when his lovers are unfaithful, and he's following the Golden } Rule.  Smitty is faithful to you because he is married to you (you had } forgotten, hadn't you!  Shame, shame, shame, you naughty child!) and } living in a state with very strict adultery laws.  Georgina is faithful } to you because she is below the legal age of consent and too afraid of } the law to get involved with anyone with less clout in the police force } than you.  Larry is faithful because he gets most of his sexual } satisfaction from reading alt.sex at two in the morning and masturbating } anyway.  Brett is faithful to you because he loves you dearly.  And Spot } is faithful to you because he's a dog. } } You owe the Oracle three of your spare lovers.