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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle, you that hold our interest, you whose ideas are worth > saving, you that knows all the secret Swiss Bank Account Numbers, > you that uses his capital correctly, > > What is the best investment strategy for a very violent kitty?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An aggressive mew-tual fund. } } You owe the Oracle the customary 12b-1 fee.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most alive, > > How's Death been treatin' ya?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One aspirin a day, to help keep the arteries unclogged.  A regimen of } exercises, the principal of which is walking two miles a day.  Special } shampoo for that wretched dandruff that just won't go away.  Cipro for } the boil that didn't respond to over-the-counter medication.  Limited } (but not nonzero) intake of alcohol and caffeine.  Zero intake of } heroin and nicotine.  Clotrimazole, as needed, for the recurrent } athlete's foot. } } But no Viagra, in case that's what you're thinking. } } You ought to give him a try.  He's a really good physician.  Cures } everything.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle, so darn nice that he happily gives free legal advice > that is worth every penny one pays for it and when the Oracle > sees an ill patient at death's door he gives the doctors the advice > they need to pull the patient through, > > Should I buy insurance for my snails?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That depends on what type of insurance they require. } } Travel insurance: Don't bother. It will take them the entire duration } of the holiday to get anywhere. } } Motoring insurance: Don't bother. They are too slow to do any damage to } themselves or anything they hit. } } Building insurance: Don't bother. A snail without a house is a slug. } } Life insurance: Don't bother, unless you're taking them to France. } } You owe the Oracle an extended warranty for the Staff of Zot.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and powerful and infinitely knowing oracle: Why are blueberries > blue? > > "For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God" Romans 3:23 > > Being Christian is not proclaiming that you are saved. It is the > admission that you needed salvation in the first place.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If they were clear the birds would go crazy pecking all over } the plants trying to find them. } }   "Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' before }    men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no }    reward from your Father in heaven."  Matthew 6:1 } } You owe the Oracle a flock of sparrows and a mustard seed.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose brain really is the size of a planet, > > What will the forthcoming film version of "The Hitchhiker's Guide to > the Galaxy" turn out like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well now supplicant, as ever, I'm going to be brutally honest with you. } In no way at all are Hollywood going to 'Americanise' the plot or the } script, but are going to keep as close to the original. But Arthur is } going to be played by Halle Berry, as she's a big crowd puller at the } moment. Unfortunately, due to her fees and demands, Zaphod is only } going to have 1 head and half an arm. Neither are there going to be any } shots from space, as it has been deemed 'tacky' after George Lucas } ruined it with computerised sfx. To be fair, Ford Prefect remains } pretty much the same, but he no longer works for the Guide. He is now a } journalist for a galaxy-wide newspaper firm. And he can fly. } Marvin, the Paranoid Android, after the success of the radiohead song, } is now going to be in counselling, to help overcome his problems, and } will eventually save the day. The producers just didn't feel right } portraying a major character as a depressant, and want to be fair. } Slartibartfast is now to be portrayed by Sir Ian McKellan, and will } remain almost exactly the same, but the mice are now going to be } Hobbits. Finally, for equality purposes, Trillian's a lesbian. } } Hope this didn't spoil anything, and I'll see you at the premier. } P.S., the Restaurant at the end of the universe. It's a McDonalds. } } You owe the oracle a Vietnam movie where the Brits come in to help the } Americans, and win.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > > Will another other [        ] be released?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And in response, thus spake the Oracle } } Dear supplicant, } } You bet.  Blanks are continually released to the world by the process } of typing, an activity not uncommon around computers.  They are often } found between } wordsasitisverydifficulttounderstandwhatIamtypingwhenidosolikethis. It } isn't much better when you are omniscient, and understand what the poor } sap is about to type. } } You owe the Oracle a diamond-studded 105 key UK keyboard, a DVD of } every trashy summer movie you didn't care to watch, and a jumbo serving } of popcorn. } } Yours ever, } -- } Orrie

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle wiser than the ages, > What's the difference between a mature teenager > and a mature cheese?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As you well know 'mature teenager' is a contradiction in } terms. Like a 'virgin mother' or 'plastic glass', an old } comic device at best. Let's see how can we salvage this } question. How about ten ways cheese and teenagers are } alike? } } 1. Both will start to smell funny if left to their own }     devices. (Boys like B.O., girls like goofy perfume). } 2. Both have pits and holes on the face. } 3. Both were recently dependent on milk for their essence. } } erm, } } 4. Both are bad for the heart. } 5. Both are in the refrigerator for hours on end. } 6. Both are fun in a sandwich situation... no, wait. }     Erm, both are found in pizza parlors. } 7. Neither one should be allowed to drive a car. } 8. Dogs don't turn their nose up at either one }     even if they've been lying on the kitchen }     floor for quite a while.' } } Erm, let's see... } } 9. Both jiggle around real weird if place on top }     of a booming speaker blasting some god-awful }     trendy music at a party full of posers and }     predators. } 10. The incarnation typing this couldn't get }      either to go to the prom with him in High }      School. } } HEY! HEY... Look if you think. Whoa. So that's } the Zot staff I take it. Hmm. } } You owe the Oracle a dictaphone and a grilled } cheese sandwich.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Greatest Oracle, who can be cooked in three minutes, > > Lately my ramen has started including fridge magnets in each case. > > I eat ramen for sustainence.  Why would I have a fridge?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's called irony. } } Like tobacco companies putting their logo on sportswear. } } You owe the Oracle a case of beer and a car.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the question ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, What is the shortstop.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the best way to determine the correct ratio of Jim Beam to Jack > Daniels?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you're worried about that you haven't had enough of either. } } You owe the Oracle a month of fifths.