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} You know, last time someone asked me this, I suggested asking about
} Monty Python's Lord of the Rings. And I fobbed them off because they
} *hadn't* asked that. So to make up for it, and because you groveled so
} nicely, here it is.
}
} * * *
}
} Aragorn: I am the rightful King of Gondor!
} Woman: Well, I didn't vote for you.
} A: You don't vote for kings.
} W: How'd you get to be king then?
} A: I am the descendant through sixty generations, father to son, of
} Elendil of Numenor. Here is Anduril, the Sword that was Broken, and
} is now reforged!
} Dennis: Inheriting a three-thousand-year-old bit of tin from your
} great-grandad is no basis for a system of government.
} A: Be quiet!
} D: I mean, if I went round saying I was Lord of Moria because I owned a
} rusty hatchet, they'd lock me up!
} A: Shut up!
} D: Ah! See the violence inherent in the system! Help! I'm being
} repressed!
} A: Bloody peasant!
}
} How to Recognize Different Ents From Quite A Long Way Away
}
} Number One: The Larch.
}
} Gimli: Is Ori here?
} Orc: No.
} G: Is Fror?
} O: No.
} G: Nali?
} O: Dead.
} G: Loni?
} O: Gone.
} G: Floi?
} O: No.
} G: Are there in fact any dwarves left in Moria at all?
} O: No. I was deliberately wasting your time.
} G: I see. In that case I'm afraid I'm going to have to cut your head
} off.
} O: Fair enough.
}
} Number One: The Larch.
}
} Aragorn: Now stand aside!
} Lurtz: That's just a scratch.
} A: I cut your arm off!
} L: No you didn't!
} A: What's that, then?
} L: Just a flesh wound.
} A: Fine. [chops Lurtz's other arm off] Victory is mine!
} L: Come on! Have at you!
} A: You've got no arms, you stupid orc!
} L: Yes, I have!
} A: Look!
} L: I've had worse.
} A: I don't have time for this. [cuts Lurtz's head off]
} L: Oh? Call it a draw.
}
} Number One: The Larch.
}
} Gandalf: How long is it since Saruman bought you?
} Wormtongue: Gee, I didn't expect a kind of Orcish Inquisition.
} [The doors of the hall burst open, and three Uruk-Hai enter.]
} Ugluk: NOBODY expects the Orcish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is
} surprise. Surprise and fear, our two main weapons. Our two main
} weapons, surprise, fear, and an almost fanatical devotion to Saruman.
} THREE main weapons, surprise, fear, nice black uniforms... I'll come
} in again.
}
} Number Four: The Bristlecone Pine.
}
} Bridge keeper: Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me
} these questions three, ere the other side he see.
} Frodo: Ask me the questions. I am not afraid.
} BK: What... is your name?
} FB: Frodo Baggins.
} BK: What... is your quest?
} FB: To destroy the One Ring!
} BK: What... is your favourite colour?
} FB: Blue!
} BK: Right. Off you go.
} Sam: That's easy!
} BK: What... is your name?
} SG: Samwise Gamgee.
} BK: What... is your quest?
} SG: To destroy the One Ring.
} BK: What... is the capital of Assyria?
} SG: [pause] A!
} BK: Smart-arse. Go along, then.
} Gollum: Ask us!
} BK: What... is your name?
} G: We's Smeagol!
} BK: What... is your quest?
} G: To get the Precious!
} BK: What... have I got in my pocket?
} G: [pause] We don't know that! Aiieeee!
}
} You owe the Oracle a picture of Rohan's army banging coconut halves
} together.
}
} * * *
}
} Dear Sir,
} I wish to complain in the strongest terms about the preceding answer.
} It was nothing but a series of rehashed sketches with a few choice
} words added. Yours, Arthur Philip Dent (Mrs), deep fine leg, Norfolk.
}
} Dear Sir,
} I never wanted to write this oracularity anyway. I wanted to be a
} LUMBERJACK!
}
} Colonel: Stop that! It's silly!
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