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} Well, it depends on the era, doesn't it?
}
} Golden Age [dawn of time-about fifteen years before you started
} collecting comic books]: Superman uses a Kryptonian chrono-ray to go
} back in time to foil the world's first supervillain, the Pharisee, and
} his plot to steal Bethlehem's supply of gold, frankincense, and myrrh.
} A grateful Joseph asks the strange blue-robed man how he could possibly
} repay the debt he now owes. Superman (whose super-hearing allows him
} to understand all languages) tells him to raise his son to love all the
} people of the world, and that will be more than enough. As Joseph asks
} "But... my child hasn't been born yet! How do you know I have a son!?"
} the chrono-ray returns from orbiting the moon to bring Superman back to
} the present. Later, Clark Kent attends the Daily Planet's Christmas
} party, where he remarks to Lois Lane that while Superman is a great
} hero, he can think of AN EVEN GREATER ONE. Cue the full-page image of
} a glowing crucifix atop the office tree, overlaid with "Read more
} exciting adventures of Texas 'Two-Gun' McCallum -- Roy Pinkster,
} Two-Fisted Detective -- and Superman in Action Comics!"
}
} Silver Age [ten years before you started collecting comic books-that
} time you smoked weed in your cousin's basement]: On the coldest
} December night in Metropolis history, Superman comes across a bearded
} man wearing red-stained gloves breaking into an electronics store.
} Upon swooping down to arrest the evildoer, the man (who identifies
} himself only as "J.C.") begs forgiveness. He wanted to steal the
} latest hi-fis and sell them on the black market solely to obtain money
} to buy blankets for the orphans in nearby St. Christopher's Orphanage
} in the Poverty Alley neighborhood of Metropolis. He is willing to
} "render unto Caesar what is Caesar's", but asks only that Superman find
} some blankets for the orphans. Moved by J.C.'s message of social
} justice, Superman decides that maybe, just maybe, on Christmas it's
} more important to respect the needs of vulnerable orphans than the
} property rights of an electronics store owner who turns out to be evil
} anyway because in the last three pages we learn he's working for Lex
} Luthor and building mind control rays into the stereos. On the last
} page, Superman asks J.C. when he will see him again. J.C. replies,
} with a wistful smile, that he is "closer than you think". Cue the
} full-page image of a church, overlaid with "Merry Christmas From Your
} Friends At DC Comics!"
}
} Image Age [the Batman movie that sucked-Todd McFarlane sells his first
} Spawn action figure]: Superman. Duh.
}
} Modern Age [you realize every single comic book out there is complete
} and utter garbage and wonder how you wasted so much money on them-you
} discover this Alan Moore guy]: Superman and Jesus are actually the
} same person, and Metropolis is in a giant underwater dome, and also
} dogs are the emperors of Saturn, because it's a homage to the Golden
} Age or something. Besides, what are the last three Superman readers
} left in the world going to do, huh? If they haven't stopped yet
} obviously they'll accept anything.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the one where Green Lantern feeds the
} multitudes.
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