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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. > Your question  was: > > > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. > > Your question  was: > > > > > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. > > > Your question was: > > > > > > > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. > > > > Your question was: > > > > > > > > > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. > > > > > Your question was: > > > > > > > > > > > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. > > > > > > Your question was: > > > > > > > > > > > > > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. > > > > > > > Your question was: > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. > > > > > > > > Your question was: > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. > > > > > > > > > Your question was: > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. > > > > > > > > > > Your question was: > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question > > > > > > > > > > > deeply. 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Your > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > question was: > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The Internet Oracle > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > has pondered your > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > question deeply. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Your question was: > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The Internet > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Oracle has > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > pondered your > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > question deeply. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Your question was: > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The Internet > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Oracle has > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > pondered your > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > question deeply. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Your question > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > was: > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The Internet > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Oracle has > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > pondered your > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > question > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > deeply. 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Your > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > question > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > was: > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Internet > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Oracle has > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > pondered > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > your > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > question > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > deeply. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Your > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > question > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > was: > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Internet > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Oracle > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > has > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > pondered > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > your > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > question > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > deeply. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Your > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > question > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > was:

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Could you please forward this question to the next incarnation?" } } You owe the Oracle an answer to this question.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who is almost always on the "Nice" list, I wish that you > would please answer me this question: > > I have three possible New Year's Eve Dates. > One of them is a sort of girlfriend who says she loves me and is acting > really desperate to keep me around. One is a really short, skinny, cute > Asian girl that I think might develop into a long term relationship. The > other one is a girl with a huge rack that I will probably never see > again after that night. Sex is out of the question with all three. > > Which one should I hang out with on New Year's Eve?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It come down to who drinks the least, because she is going to } drive you home.  The Huge Rack girl is probably the best bet, } because even if she drinks a lot, the Total Body Mass that she } carries around will soak up some of the ethanol that might } otherwise poison her driving judgment. } } There are other alternatives:  If you walk to wherever or back, } or take a cab or the subway, you'll be ok.  Or you could quick, } fast-like learn how to drive a horse and carriage.  Horses are } known for driving drunks safely back home to the barn. } } Next year you might think in advance, and figure out whom you } want to marry, and I bet it's none of the above.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Since omniscience means you know everything that will ever be knowable, > which most likely contains the knowledge of how to gain omnipotence, > does this mean that you are omnipotent as well as omniscient?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Omnipotent? } } Who are you calling omnipotent? } } Lisa is perfectly satisfied, thank you very much. } } You owe The Oracle another shipment of viagra.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the girl with the black hair pretending to be dead?  It's like, > it's over with, and making everyone think she's dead will next make > them think she's a screwball idiot.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Never ends, does it? Though what can you expect from some kid who runs } away from home to live with seven short hairy guys constantly smelling } of sweat and coal dust? } } First it was that "wicked stepmother" spiel. As if the queen would be } stupid enough to have her husband's only daughter killed. Wouldn't } somebody, y'know, notice? } } Then there was the incident with the comb. Why would the queen venture } out alone into dangerous woods, just to "poison" some pretty little } girl? A likely story. And the dwarves were dumb enough to fall for it a } second time, too. } } And the apple thing! Jeez, if the queen wanted her dead so badly, why } not just slit her damn throat already? So now she fakes her death } *again*, and then runs off with a guy who likes to make out with dead } chicks. Eurgh. } } You owe the Oracle a book of believable fairy tales.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> That answer terrified me. It left me wide-eyed and staring. I will > never sleep for the merest fraction of a second now I know the answer > to that question. I will be locked in a padded room screaming to > myself about the horrors of that answer for the rest of my days. > Not even the vilest spawn of hell should hear that answer. Why did > you do it, Oracle, why? NO MORTAL BEING CAN POSSIBLY KEEP THEIR SANITY > AND SOUL AFTER HEARING THAT ANSWER!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Mr. H. P. Lovecraft, } You are dead.  Nothing can harm you now that you are dead.  Indeed, } you can go and harm others with impunity.  I am, most fortunately, } out of your reach as I am not mortal. } } Also, I suggest you stop reading your own books.  They can cause } the most dreadful nightmares. } } Sincerely yours, } The Internet Oracle

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle so wonderful and brilliant beyond compare! > I beseech you (so far above me as to be incomprehensible) to answer my > question, oh splendiferous one... > > What's the complete list of things that don't exist?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You'll find it in a book, in the library past the sea at the end } of the world. It sits between the volumes marked "The Full } unexpurgated description of the last days of Jimmy Hoffa and his } Current Whereabouts" and "Excuses that will always get you out of } trouble with your parents". } } Oh - and I have a couple of items to add to it ... } } You owe the Oracle a good reason for why he forgot his and Lisa's } anniversary. It ought to be in that book, but for the life of him } he can't find it...

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi!  Can I borrow this sweater?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, sorry. You see, all this dry winter air has created quite a bit of } static, and my cats have become a bit attached to it.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O ideologically sound oracle, how does one become ideologically sound?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} With a virtue-ning fork.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So here I was, about to enjoy a sumpuous meal of boiled squid > at Lulu's Barbecue and Tire Changing. Suddenly my mind lurches > to the left, and I'm thinking of YOU, the only Internet Oracle! > Needles to say, I feel a pricking in my thumbs, and I discover > that I've not taken the pins out of my new shirt. > > Why do these things always happen to ME, and what are you going > to do to help me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because you never grovel.  If only you were to grovel when asking me a } question, your mind would be freed: You could remember to take the } pins out of your shirt, you could stop showing up for lunch in oddly } wrinkled and bloodstained shirts, and you could finally get some time } alone with Lulu when she's clad only in her overalls and smeared } lightly with axle grease. } } Mmm, grease. } } You owe the Oracle a Women of Auto Repair pinup calendar.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did Mickey Mouse really blow up the house?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, no, supplicant.  You're confused again.  It was } Guy Fawkes who tried to blow up Parliament (he didn't, } by the way) on November 5.  Mickey Mouse was the one } who starred in "Steamboat Willie", which premiered on } November 18.  Those anniversaries are almost 2 weeks } apart!  Honestly, does'nt anyone watch the History } Channel anymore? } } You owe the Oracle some fireworks and an effigy of } Scrooge McDuck.