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1379, 1379-01, 1379-02, 1379-03, 1379-04, 1379-05, 1379-06, 1379-07, 1379-08, 1379-09, 1379-10

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Besides setting oneself on fire, what is the best cure for ennui?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's examine the options: } } Setting other people on fire. } PRO: Less painful than setting yourself on fire. } CON: Highly illegal. Difficult to find volunteers. } } Inject yourself with a 7% solution of cocaine, thrice daily. } PRO: Hey, it was good enough for Sherlock Holmes! } CON: It was legal then. It isn't now. } } Jump off a tall building. } PRO: Excitement for the rest of your life. } CON: Which will be about six seconds, give or take. } } Jump off a tall building, with a parachute. } PRO: Better survival rate than without a parachute. } CON: Illegal in most places. } } Heavy drinking. } PRO: In your stuporous state, you won't notice how bored you are. } CON: Social problems, psychological problems, health problems... } } Devote your time to sharing your wisdom with others. } PRO: Legal and non-fatal. } CON: It doesn't work. Trust me. } } So, your best options result in jail time or an early grave. } } The Oracle is depressed now.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 1. e4

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Question... } } 1. e4 } } Answer... } } 1.e4 e6 2.d4 d5 3.Nc3 Bb4 4.Bd2 de4 5.Qg4 Nf6 6.Qxg7 Rg8 7.Qh6 Nc6 } 8.O-O-O Rg6 9.Qh4 Bxc3 10.Bxc3 Qd5 11.b3 Ne7 12.f3 Bd7 13.Bb2 Bc6 } 14.c4 Qf5 15.d5 ed5 16.fe4 de4 17.Nh3 Ng4 18.Qg3 Qc5 19.Qxc7 Rc8 20.Qf4 } Qe3 21.Rd2 Qxf4 22.Nxf4 e3 23.Rc2 Rg5 24.Be2 Nf2 25.Re1 Rd8 26.g3 Rf5 } 27.Bf1 Rxf4 28.gf4 Nd3 29.Bxd3 Rxd3 30.Rc3 Rxc3 31.Bxc3 Nf5 32.Bd2 Kd7 } 33.Bxe3 b6 34.Bf2 f6 35.Kd2 h5 36.Kd3 Nh6 37.Bh4 f5 38.Re7 Kd6 39.h3 } } Well Done, you win... I didn't see it coming.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> while(1) > { >     send_spam(*Oracle); >     if(Oracle->reply == NULL) >        send_spam(*Oracle,again++) > }

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} while(1) } { }     send_zot(*supplicant); }  // if(supplicant->reply == SPAM) }        send_zot(*supplicant,again++) } }

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and all knowing oracle, will this year be a better year for > those of us in the nauga skinning and tanning business? I've barely > been able to make ends meet the last couple of years. Well, decades > actually. Will this finally be a good year for me or do I need to > accept my father in-law's offer to be a jr. partner in his chinchilla > ranch?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm afraid that the downward trend you've observed in the nauga } industry isn't a mere blip. The sector is on its last legs, and the } Oracle's advice is to sell up and get out as soon as you can, } because it's only going downhill from here. I just hope you can find } some poor suck... um, interested party willing to take over your } business. } } As for your future career path, chinchillas are, as ever, a sound } investment, and the market is likely to remain stable for the } forseeable future. If, however, you're looking to make some *real* } money, perhaps you should consider entering the poultry sector. } Rumours have reached my ears lately that the going rate for snipe } eggs has reached an all time high. } } You owe the Oracle a long stand.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This message is in MIME format. Since your mail reader does not > understand this format, some or all of this message may not be legible. > > ------_=_NextPart_001_01C5089E.FB9B96A0 > Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" > > Does sending this to you count as sending it to 10 people? > > > Ok guys, this truly is freaky, the > phone literally rang as soon as I read > the last word of this email!!!!! > > > I am taking the bait - > what do I have to lose right? > > > Hope it works! > > > Supposedly The Phone Will Ring > Right After You Do This. > > > Just read the little stories and > think of a wish as you scroll all > the way to the bottom. There is > a message there - then make your > wish. > > > No attachment on this one. > > > Stories > > I'm 13 years old, and I wished > that my dad would come home from > the army, because he'd been hav ing > problems with his heart and right > leg. It was 2:53 p.m. When I made > my wish. At 3:07 p.m. (14 minutes > later), the doorbell rang, and > there my Dad was, luggage and all!! > > > I'm Katie and I'm 20 and I've been > having trouble in my job and on the > verge of quitting. I made a simple > wish that my boss would get a new > job. That was at 1:35 and at 2:55 > there was an announcement that he > was promoted and was leaving for > another city. Believe me...this > really works!!! > > > My name is Ann and I am 45 years > of age. I had always been single > and had been hoping to get into a > nice, loving relationship for many > years. While kind of daydreaming > (and right after receiving this email) > I wished that a quality person would > finally come into my life. That was at > 9:10 AM on a Tuesday. At 9:55 AM > a FedEx delivery man came into my > office.He was cute, polite and > could not stop smiling at me. He > started coming back almost everyday > (even without packages) and asked me > out a week later.. We married 6 > months later and now have been > happily married for 2 years. > > What a great email it was!! > > > Just scroll down to the end, but > while you do, think of a wish. > Make your wish when you have completed > scrolling. Whatever age you are, is the > number of minutes it will take for your > wish to come true. ex.you are 25 years > old, it will take 25 minutes for your wish > to come true). > > > However, if you don't send this to > people in 5 minutes, you will have bad > luck for years!! > > Go for it!!! > > > SCROLL DOWN!!!! > > * > ** > *** > **** > ***** > ****** > ******* > ******** > ********* > ********** > *********** > ************ > ************* > ************** > *************** > **************** > ***************** > ****************** > ******************* > ******************** > ********************* > ********************** > *********************** > ************************ > ************************* > ************************** > *************************** > **************************** > ***************************** > ****************************** > ******************************* > ******************************** > ********************************* > ********************************** > *********************************** > ********************************** > ********************************* > ******************************** > ******************************* > ****************************** > ***************************** > **************************** > *************************** > ************************** > ************************* > ************************ > *********************** > ********************** > ********************* > ******************** > ******************* > ****************** > ***************** > **************** > *************** > ************** > ************* > ************ > *********** > ********** > ********* > ******** > ******* > ****** > ***** > **** > *** > ** > * > > STOP!!! > > Congratulations!!! Your wish will > now come true in your age minutes. > > Now follow this carefully....it > can be very rewarding!!!! > > If you send this to 10 more > people, other than the 5 that you > already have to send to, something > major that you've been wanting > will happen. > > Message: This is scary! > > The phone will ring right after > you do this! > > ------_=_NextPart_001_01C5089E.FB9B96A0 > Content-Type: text/html; charset="iso-8859-1" > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable > > [The same gawd-awful message in huge, horrendous M$ HTML -ed] > > ------_=_NextPart_001_01C5089E.FB9B96A0--

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ok, let's see... no grovel, no question, MIME mail, chain letter, } sending a chainletter that makes false claims to an Oracle, sending a } mail whose 'examples' are all female to a male incarnation, and one } for good measure. That's 8, plus 20 for my age, doubled because the } mail was sent twice, so...56. } } ZOT! *ZZOT* ZOOOT ZZZOOOTTT ZOT ZOT ZOOOOT! ZOTZOTZOT! zot. ZOT, } ZOT zOt! Z0T! } } [props up Staff of Zot, leaving a "drinking bird" to activate trigger] } } ZOT! ZZZZOT! ZOTT! SCHZOT! ZOT! Zot, ZOT ZOT, zot! ZOT! ........ } } [comes back in, wiping the cookie crumbs off his beard, sees bird } knocked over] } } What happened to my bird? } } [screen is flashing, "Situation critical. Stupidity buildup exceeding } tolerance levels. Explosion imminent."] } } Ohhh...Lisa? Og? ....Zadoc? ..Explosion imminent... Oh my God! } The Internet's going to explode!! } } Wait! I know! [dials Staff of Zot up to full power, activates] Pressure } too high? Internet must be shut down manually? Oh, stupid bird! } I never should have put you in charge! [strangles bird] Oh who am I } kidding...it's all my fault. [bird nods] } } [tries to call the Internet] Operator: The fingers you have used to } dial are too ethereal. To a special dialing wand, please mash the } keypad with your aura. } } I'm going to have to shut it down myself! [runs down to Internet, } passing big signs saying "Manual shutdown" and "Emergency Stupidity } Purge" and jumps into the main pipe, plugging it with his greatness] } } You owe the Oracle a decontamination, liposuction, and his wish for } a genocide of all marmots.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh omniscient oracle, you who even knows about this insignificant > dispute between two common IRC-dwellers and are the only one who can > revolve it. > > Who would win in a fight between Optimus Prime and EVA-01?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hasbro.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the difference between a woman and one hundred and twenty > pounds of flour?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One is good for baking, and ... no. } One comes in an ugly wrapper, while the other... no, not always true. } Buck cake?  No, and I'm not going to explain why. } } Ah.  One will kiss the cook, but the other you cook to a crisp. } } You owe the Oracle something light and fluffy ... or someone.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This message is in MIME format. Since your mail reader does not > understand this format, some or all of this message may not be legible. > > ------_=_NextPart_001_01C508AE.DB193080 > Content-Type: text/plain > > Greetings, Mr. Oracle. > > Take a look at my MIME army. Impressive, uh? > > You have no chance to survive. Make your time. > (MIMEs point at the temple, then at their chests) > > ------_=_NextPart_001_01C508AE.DB193080--

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Ha! You call that impressive?" } } "Zadoc, bring out the imaginary wind machine!" } } Zadoc emerges from the temple, pretending to push a large and obviously } heavy piece of machinery. He rests, feigning breathlessness. } } "Turn it on!" } } With a look toward the Oracle bordering on contempt, Zadoc pretends to } grab a large lever and brings his hands carelessly downwards through } the air. } } "See that? That's an imaginary 60mph gale blowing straight toward } them -- no MIME can resist "WALKING AGAINST THE WIND"!!! They are } now totally powerless!" } } The MIMEs are now all preoccupied with keeping upright as they pretend } to walk in place in the face of the imaginary blast. } } "Og, bring out the imaginary phone boxes!" } } Og lumbers out, holding his arms in front and out to each side, as } if holding a large box. He approaches the first MIME, who is still } valiantly struggling to stand upright against the imaginary typhoon, } and brings his arms down around him. Immediately the MIME stops } struggling and reaches out, the flat of his hand appearing to find } a solid wall in the air. He follows this to a corner, and turns to } find another, and then another. } } Realizing he is trapped, he recalls the training drummed into every } MIME, that death is preferable to the ignominy of capture. With a } look of despair,  he plunges an imaginary sword into his stomach and } collapses motionless. } } Before Og can return with more imaginary phone boxes, the other } MIMEs, seeing the fate of their fallen comrade, turn and flee -- } their departure hastened by the imaginary wind -- leaving only a } solitary computer terminal on which glow the following words: } } "YOU MAY HAVE WON THIS BATTLE MR.ORACLE, BUT I'LL BE BACK" } } The Oracle smiles wryly, leans over the screen, and types: } } You owe the Oracle the CD of Marcel Marceau's Greatest Hits.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many questions can I ask in one day?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, a many-layered question. } } You *can* ask as many as your typing fingers or your vocal cords can } stand. } } You *may* ask x(n-1) questions where n= the number of questions it } takes to annoy your askee, and x is equal to the number of people you } bother with your questions. } } The number of questions you may ask *me* without my getting annoyed is } given by the formula above if you assume x=1 and x=me. } } The number of *relevant* questions you can ask is currently sitting at } 0.. } } You owe the oracle a few askme's. That should enlighten you as to the } true values of x,n and z (where z=ZOT!)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise! > Oh he who never Lies! > Tell me what I seek! > Quickly, Quickly Speak! > > Boomerang travel! It's the wave of the Future, I feel this in my bones! > How ever, I don't know exactly how to build a Boomerang Personal Travel > Device, n or how to market one. Please assist Oracle-Obi, you're my only > hope. > > --He who wants to be "There and Back Again"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} G'day Richard, y'ol one-noter - that's beaut question } and no mistake. } } Boomerang travel? ...No worries! Just get your mates } at Scaled Composites to knock you up a 50ft wong with } a bit of a bend in the middle. Nothing bodgy mind. } Weld on a few seats out of one of your old 747s - } don't forget a cup holder for the stubbies - and away } you go. } } Take-off'll be a bit of a bugger, mind you. Gotta get } that crate spinning just right or you're gonna have a } true blue prang and end up as a bit of a dog's } breakfast. } } Nah, wait a minute. What a drongo I am - fegettit } mate, you'd spill your beer! } } You owe the Oracle a virgin.