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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why can't people fly (without the assistance of an aeroplane, I mean) ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What do you mean, people can't fly? Of course you can fly. The talent } has simply been forgotten over the eons, that's all. Look, here's how } it's done: } } 1. Go to the roof of a very tall building. } 2. Sprinkle yourself with salt. } 3. At the top of your lungs, shout "OOGLE-OOGLE-OOGLE!" } 4. Jump off and flap your arms as hard as you can. You'll be soaring } in no time! } } You owe the Oracle some nice aerial photos of a nudist beach. } } >Message from kinzler!iuvax on ttyp3 at 20:04... } >You know, Oracle, you're a real bastard when you're drunk.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it dark at night?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is late getting back from his spring break vacation. He } spent it in a lavish account in a system at the University of Florida } where he met this incredible female process who let him share access. } As a result, he contracted the HIV (Hell In a Vax) virus and is } recuperating. During this intermission we're featuring Guest Oracles! } } Tonight's Guest Oracle: Dan Quayle! Mr. Vice-President, why is it dark } at night? } } %It is dark at night because...because...uhhhhhh..... } } Mr. Quayle? Mr. Quayle? My God, there seems to be smoke coming out of } his ears! Someone call an ambulance! Maybe we'd better move on to our } next Guest Oracle, none other than President George Herbert Walker } Bush! Mr. President why is it dark at night? } } %My fellow Americans, it is dark at night because of the Commu-- er, I } %mean drugs! Yes, drugs are the evil that rots at our system and } %causes us to bump into objects after 10:00 PM. That is why I have } %declared the great War on Drugs! That is why I sponsor SDI, the Stop } %Drugs Initiative, which will place a satellite in orbit capable of } %vaporizing pushers with a high-intensity laser beam! When the War on } %Drugs is won, the night will not be dark, but will be filled with a } %Thousand Points of Light! } } Thank you, Mr. President. Inspiring, isn't he? Of course, we all know } the real reason it's dark at night. If it weren't, we'd have twenty- } four hours a day of soap operas! Civilization would collapse! } } You owe the Guest Oracle your vote in 1992!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Where has all the good music gone? Why does the stuff I hear no longer > kill cows at 183 paces?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       You seem to have asked The Oracle two questions at once.  Hmm. } I think I will call God, Satan, Kinzler and my mother.  I will have } long conversations with each of them, and reproduce them here, } taking several screens for each one.  They can also interrupt each } other (in fact, they must), stretching it out even longer.  Then I } will log on to a system that you did not suspect was a Unix node } (for instance ecosystems@earth.EDU) for no readily apparent reason, } and do something that you would not expect was possible (like shut } it down - though, come to think of it, that is a project the } industrialised nations are working on right now).  When your eyes } are nearly completely closed with boredom, I will quickly sneak in a } witty answer to one of the questions - that will be of no help } whatsoever - and then tell you that you owe me something that you } would not know how to wrap even if you knew where to send it (like a } lifetimes supply of inner tubes). } }       On the other hand, I could just answer your questions. } }       1)  The music you love still exists.  It's just that your } hearing is failing because you had the sound up to loud in the mid- } seventies. } }       2)  They build cows better these days. } } You owe The Oracle $US35.  A cheque will be fine.  And _ALL_ your } Abba CD's.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         When reading Usenet Oracularities, is it a sin to fail to > completely read any of your responses?  I mean, I'm sure they're good, > but sometimes I just can't sit through some of your longer poems.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Usenet Oracularities are the collected lore of the Oracle.  Not } reading my longer poems is like skipping over Psalms in the Bible. } You may miss something important and be sent to hell.  And I have the } power and the superuser access to do that. } } In atonement, I suggest you make a pilgrimage to the anonymous ftp } site at iuvax.cs.indiana.edu and get a copy of all the previous } Oracularities, then print them out on your site... if you } REALLY want to look good in my eyes, save them all on disk. } } Now go forth and don't return until thy quest is done!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where do we go from here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Where do we go from here? Where? } I'll tell ya where! } } TO THE USENET ORACLE'S FABULOUS HALF-PRICE SALE! } } Yes, you heard right! Everything the Oracle has to offer at a } incredibly low price! Just look at these values! } } Assorted goodies paid by customers! A huge surprise box of newt's } tails, bat's wings, food items, sexual organs, and abstract concepts } for only $19.95! I must be crazy! } } What bookshelf would be complete without the Oracle's magnum opus, } _Everything_You_Ever_Wanted_to_Know_About_Everything_? And I'm letting } all 1,714,632 volumes go for the ridiculous price of only $25.49! No, } you're not dreaming! } } Regular readers of rec.humor's Usenet Oracularities column know that } the Oracle is on personal terms with a whole host of major and minor } deities! For a ludicrously low fee, you can receive an autographed } 8x10 glossy photograph of your favorite omnipotent being! Prices vary: } } Biblical ---------------- $75 } Greco-Roman Pantheon ---- $60 } Norse Pantheon ---------- $55 } Egyptian Pantheon ------- $50 } West Virginian Pantheon - two bits } } And if you hurry, you can enter the Oracular Sweepstakes! Win } incredible prizes, like mystical wisdom, spiritual wealth, or a free } large order of fries! And the Grand Prize [hold on to your hat]... } } A DREAM DATE WITH LISA! } } Yes, Lisa will come over to your house and treat you to sensations the } likes of which you won't believe!! } } (Unless you happen to be a girl, in which case we will gladly } substitute Jake, the net.phallic.god!) } } No purchase necessary (heh!). } } IntheeventthatLisawouldrathereatrawgopherentrailsthengooutwithyouwe } willsubtitutethenearestprostituteavailable.Treatmentforallsexual } diseasesistheresponsibilityofthewinner.Voidwhereprohibited. } } The Oracle owes YOU the deal of a lifetime. Come on down today!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is "System Security"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An oxymoron.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Als je alwetend bent moet je ook deze taal verstaan. > Hoe gaat het met je ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Excuse me for a sec... } !translate -Ldrunkese question } Last weekend I met this tall person.  How can I find him again? } } The tall person in question died tragically 2 days ago when a jet } airliner tried to land and he was walking along the freeway. } } You owe the Oracle some rolling heads.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    Dear Sirs, > >    We are writing on behalf of the company Oracle Inc. who is > considering legal action against you regarding your illegal use of the > name 'oracle'.  Please contact us for a conference on the matter. > > Smith & Jones   Legal Services Inc.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, mister smith and jones sir, I could point out that I've been using } the name for some two and a half centuries, but I'd rather that you } tried to sue me and have the joy of making your client change its name. } I'll bet that I could force them to change their name to "Stinking, } Slimy Tentacle Industries." They'd like that, ho ho!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Why haven't there been any miracles in my lifetime?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bah.  You are simply not very observant, my friend.  There have been } many, many miracles in your lifetime.  Here are some: } } 1. The cancellation of "I Love Lucy." } 2. The death and resurrection of Coca-Cola } 3. The UFO landing on the White House Lawn (OK, so it was only there to }    pick up the garbage.  It's still a miracle) } 4. Johan Bartholmy's mystical ability to convert beer into vodka. } 5. Pia Zadora's "Heartbeat of Love" album. } 6. Lisa's simultaneous seduction of thirty thousand screaming geeks. } 7. The recent, sudden, unexpected movement for liberty and democracy in }    Belgium. } 8. The cure of Joe Bates' chapped lips at a touch from the Virgin of the }    Suburbs of Cleveland. } 9. me. } } You owe the Oracle some more miracles.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I explain my strange opinions about nasal sex to my lover?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's examine the different lifepaths which may result from explaining } your nasal lust to your SO during breakfast. } } } Path #1 } ------- } } You: "Honey, I've been thinking." } SO:  "'Bout what, dear?" } You: "'Bout your nose." } SO:  "My nose?  What's wrong with my nose?" } You: "Oh, no, nothing's wrong with your nose.  I just ... well, this }       is a little hard to explain ..." } SO:  "Oh come on, honey.  I've known you for twelve years.  What is }       it?" } You: "I just want to insert my penis into your left nostril." } SO:  "AAAAAHH!" [throws several quarts of hot bacon grease onto your }                lap and stalks out of the house] } } } Path #2 } ------- } } You: "Honey, I've been thinking." } SO:  "'Bout what, dear?" } You: "'Bout your nose." } SO:  "Not now, dear.  I've got a headache." } } } Path #3 } ------- } } You: "Honey, I've been thinking." } SO:  "'Bout what, dear?" } You: "'Bout your nose." } SO:  "Nasal sex, is that it, honey?" } You: "Uh, well, yeah." } SO:  "Okay.  Pick up some Vaseline and some Actifed on your way home }       tonight." } } } Path #4 } ------- } } You: "Honey, I've been thinking." } SO:  "'Bout what, dear?" } You: "'Bout your nose." } SO:  "Oh God, you hate my nose!  I know!  I know you think it's too }       long!  I hate it!  I hate my nose!  I have always hated my nose! }       No more!  I can't take it any more!" [takes large knife and cuts }       off nose while you read the paper] } } } Path #5 } ------- } } You: "Honey, I've been thinking." } SO:  "'Bout what, dear?" } You: "'Bout your nose." } SO:  "Honey, I'VE been thinking about YOUR nose too." } You: "Does this mean ..." } So:  "Yes ... yes ... yessss ..." [you rub noses with your SO and }       prematurely ejaculate into your coffee] } } The Oracle's opinion is: don't explain.  Just keep it to yourself. } You'll upset your SO and make your coffee undrinkable. } } You owe the Oracle a nasal contraceptive.