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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who's Lisa and what does "Zot" mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gather round the feet of Uncle Orrie dear children - } don't step on the beard Nigel, there's a good boy - } and I will tell you some of the ancient Lore of the } Oracle so that when you are grown, you can tell your } own children. } } Once upon a time, in the far off land of Usenet there } lived an incredibly good looking, wise, brave, } intelligent, wealthy, powerful, fair, good hearted, } modest, gorgeous smelling, well connected, not at  all } conceited ...no, Suzy, not Steve Kinzler! No, not Tim } Chew, Ahmad!!  For Zot's sake, ME, the Internet } Oracle!! } } Well anyway, in those days times were hard and } computers were just square boxes with plain monochrome } screens. That's right Jamal, no color!! Stop crying } Natasha, it's not THAT sad. } } And the screens on these computers didn't show } graphics, just letters and numbers. No Nigel, they } couldn't run Warcraft III - no, not even at slow } speed. No not even in one color. Have a tissue, } Natasha. Harry, don't do that. Are you IM-ing your } friend, Charlotte? ...yes you are - I'm the omniscient } Oracle, remember. Stop it. } } Well one day along came a beautiful new computer } called Lisa, which had a lovely curved body and a } screen that could show all kinds of amazing things and } ... No, Nigel it couldn't run Warcraft III either, but } that's not the point. No Suzy .... Here Natasha, take } the whole box! } } Where was I? Ah yes, Lisa. When Lisa came along there } was nothing else like her around and many people } didn't understand her ...yes, Suzy she could speak } English. Yes AND Spanish. Look I don't KNOW how many } other languages OK? It's not important. ...many people } didn't *appreciate* her virtues and special } qualities... no James, I said "virtues" ...stop } sniggering Nigel, it's not that funny. Harry ...I SAID } don't do that. Thank you. } }  ...so I decided that she should come and live with me } and... Yes, Ahmad, in the temple, where else? Harry, } if I have to tell you ONE more time... James, leave } Natasha alone, they're all the tissues I have. } Charlotte... put it away .... Ahmad, turn AROUND!! } } OK THAT'S ENOUGH!! } } LOOK. Just SIT DOWN, SHUT UP and LISTEN or else you're } going to find out what "ZOT" means the hard way. Is } that clear? } } Any more questions?   ...thought not.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I desperately need to offend a Scot.  Do you have a stale > haggis joke that also includes bagpipes, sheep and kilts?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Knock Knock } } Aye? } } Tis Haggis } } And who mae be this haggis? } } Haggis you had enough Scot jokes? } } --- } } A sheep[1] went to the mall in Scotsdale[2] looking to buy a kilt[3]. } The shopkeeper looked a' him and said "ar, we doon't sarve yer kind in } heer"[4]. But the sheep would not be deterred and went outside the } store and started to play his bagpipes[5]. Sure enough, all of the } other customers came outside to hear him play. It didn't take long for } the shopkeeper to notice that his sales were plummeting. He went } outside to confront this dastardly beast.  He yelled at the sheep, } threatening to turn him into haggis![6] which only made the woolen } beast play louder and with more fury! The crowd grew larger, and tossed } money in the sheep's hat! The shopkeeper was outraged! He pulled his } beard[7], cursing[8] and spitting[9] expletives at the animal and } dancing[10] like a madman! } } Moral: Be not a sheep kilter nor a bagpiper be. } } Ok that didn't make a wee bi' o' sense but eye had a piss of a time } writin it!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most ingenious and inventive Oracle, > > Am I too full of the milk of human kindness?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course you are. How often do I have to remind you that this place } isn't a hotel, you big scots git. If you finish the bottle, buy a } new one from the corner shop. And no murdering the cashier. I don't } care that he got promoted over you last week, just get us two pints } of semi. And since you're out, why don't you pick up some more soap. } We always seem to run out whenever you and your wife stay with us. } } You owe the oracle some less annoying house guests.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Theory Qualifier > This test is open book and open notes.  You have two hours. > > P=NP.  Prove or disprove.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let N = 2. Ha! Disproved. Next time ask someone else to do your algebra } homework! } } What do you mean I don't know what I'm talking about? I am the ORACLE! } } You owe the Oracle a new math book.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why do I have to do the same job everyday. When do I do something else > > = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = > Xxxxxxxxxxx disclaimer : > http://www.xxxxxxxxxx.xxx/legal/disclaimer.htm > Xxxxxxxxxxx privacy policy : > http://www.xxxxxxxxxx.xxx/legal/privacy_policy.htm > = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When your boss finds out you're using company email for frivolous } purposes.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and dangerous oracle of the bizarre tastes: > > So how much should I offer my neighbor for his daughter's hand in > marriage?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, the health benefits plan we have here at the temple pays 85% of } pre-tax monthly income for accidental dismemberment.  Pirates would pay } 600 pieces-of-eight for the loss of the use of a pirate's right arm, } which is about $7350 in US dollars. } } If I were you, I'd marry the whole girl: she's a hottie, especially } with both hands. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of mittens.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Internet Oracle, your omniscience shines like a rainbow and inspires > me to ask you a weighty question. I bow to you. > > What is the secret of long life, such as to live to 100 years, albeit > with a sound body and mind?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Top 5 ways to reach your 100th birthday: } } 5. Quit the shark hunting. Or at least take more than a kitchen fork }    when you go diving for them. } 4. Eat more healthily. The salad in a Big Mac is not a sufficient }    vegetable intake for one day. } 3. Enough with the smoking already. 40 a day is a bad habit when it's }    cigarettes, cigars are really pushing it. } 2. Find a safer line of work than rodeo clown. } 1. Pay back Vito "Kneecaps" Giordano the five grand you owe him. } } Take these simple tips and you might see your 100th birthday. You're } pretty lively for a 99 year old guy. } } You owe the Oracle a retirement plan (preferably not involving } private accounts).

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most sage and lavender Oracle, whose knowledge of etiquette exceeds > that of Emily Post and Miss Manners, give me your best advice. > > I'm getting married in June and I am thinking about hyphenating my last > name.  Is this a good idea?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I wish you hearty congratulations on getting married. May the wedding } go well, and may your marriage be long and happy! } } This depends. } } 1. Where you live. } } If you live in USA or Canada, add +2 to Cool. } If you live in Europe, add +1 to Cool. } If you live in Australia or New Zealand, add +1 to Uncool. } } 2. Are you U or non-U? } } If you are upper class, add +1 to Uncool. } If you are middle class, add +1 to Cool. } If you are working class, add +1 to Cool. } If you are unemployed, add +1 to Uncool. } } 3. Now string your fiance(e)'s surname to your own surname. } } If it sounds obscene, eg. Ram-Bottom, add +2 to Uncool. } If it sounds merely silly, eg. Michael-Jackson, add +1 to Uncool. } If it sounds just wonderful, eg. Biggleston-Smythe, add +1 to Cool. } } 4. Now translate the hypenated surname into any well-known foreign } language, especially one spoken by many people in the land you live in. } Now how does it sound? } } If it sounds obscene, eg. Bin-Laden, add +2 to Uncool. } If it sounds merely silly, eg. Leder-Hosen, add +1 to Uncool. } If it sounds just wonderful, eg. Gothe-Coberg, add +1 to Cool. } } 5. Now compare your hyphenated surname to that of any famous person--- } } If it matches a well-known criminal, add +3 to Uncool. } If it matches a member of a royal family in the Middle East, add +2 to }   Uncool. } If it matches a member of a royal family in Europe, add +1 to Uncool. } If it matches a film star or a sportsman, add +1 to Cool. } } Now do a simple calculation. Subtract Uncool from Cool, to give you } that final Cool. } } If final Cool is greater than 1, then do go ahead and hyphenate your } name. People will bow to you, give you higher grades, bank manager will } actually smile at you, maitre'd will wave you to the best table, } headhunters will offer you well paid jobs, lovers will fall over your } lap, --- as long as you dress smartly at all times. } } If final Cool is 0, then there is no point in Hyphenating your name, as } nothing special will happen, things will go on the way they are. } } If final Cool is a negative number, then Don't Even Think About It! } Faux Pas! Misfortune will await you. People will diss you left right } and centre! You'll be lucky to work as a cleaner. Even if you did the } Full Monty, no one will date you! As soon as they hear your surname, } see their faces stop as in freeze frame, eyes bulge out, mouth curl } into disgust in slow motion. "Eeuw" will squeak from their lips. And } proceed to back away as though your physical form was a huge lump of } over-ripe cheese/ rotten fish. } } Thank you for asking me to give advice. You owe me one hardback copy of } Debrett's Peerage and Baronetage 2003.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi there.  My problem is my name.  My father was born in a place > that was variously part of Jugoslavja, Bosnja, and more recently > the tiny independent Kingdom of Sljppcjncj.  Our family name is > Sljppczkj, and I am Rnldjckj Sljppczkj.  There are two problems. > First is the spelling.  Many official documents, including my > driver's license, spell my name as Rnldjczkj Sljppckj.  This is > really not too much of a problem, because so few people in the > US have names anything like mine at all.  Second problem is the > pronunciation.  Even I do not know exactly how the name is > supposed to be pronounced, because my father, who knew the secret, > passed away when I was but a lad of three.  I answer to the > name of "Ronald Slipjack" (which sounds ridiculous) but I'm > sure that it is supposed to sound something more like Rnldjckj > Sljppczkj but with some hidden vowels thrown in here or there. > > Could you please pronounce my name correctly for me?  And maybe > send a few good vowels?  I know you provided some for the King > of Sljppcjncj several years ago, and he squandered them all by > trying to learn Hawaiian.  I promise not to do that.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Be proud of your heritage, Rnldjckj Sljppczkj (phonetic pronunciation: } "Uuurn-AELD-ie-ckgh[1]-i Sul-EEP-ski" - or Arnold Slipski). Just } because American culture lauds a balanced field of consonants and } vowels, doesn't mean that such is the only, or indeed best, linguistic } style. Why, the Grckll of <blows-nose-loudly> IV have a language that } consists almost entirely of variously modulated throat-clearings and } nasal honks, and their elections are overwhelmingly won by whomsoever } has the worst cold. Interestingly, the Kazon-Kang Scale of Government } rates this as 9% more effective overall than the US system. For a } start, a lot more money is invested in making sick people feel better. } } The introduction of vowels into the culture of the Nv'N tribe, deep in } the bowels of the Amazon, shattered it completely. Suddenly, there } could be more than 20 people in a given tribe. Also, and ultimately } much more devastating, they could finally tell each other in detail } exactly what they thought of each other. In the ensuing bloodbath, } only one Nv'N survived - he know makes a healthy living as a human } beatbox for up-and-coming Brazilian rappers. } } So, stick up for your culture, Rnldjckj! Sneer at people called Ian! } Mock the IAEA! Picket the AAA! Refuse to travel to the EU or the UAE! } Declare war on Hawaii! H and W are practically vowels themselves, } they're not real consonants. } } You owe the oracle a jumbo pack of monitor wipes. I've made a bit of } a mess. } } [1]The "ckgh" is a throat-clearing noise similar to hawking a loogie } but nowadays is usually pronounced as a K, since many of the more } vicious and bloody wars in the region were started by one diplomat } lobbing phlegm onto another during an especially enthusiastic } introduction.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will I go to Hell after I die?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I know just the guy to ask. Hold on, I have him on speed-dial. } <brrrrrr> <brrrrrr> <brrrr-> } } "WHO DARES SEEK TO CONTACT THE LORD OF DAMNATION? COWER, MORTAL, FOR - } } Lou? Pick up, it's Orrie. } } " " - SHALT BE SMOTE WITH PUSTULENT - <click> Orrie? Hey, how's it } going?" } } Oh, same old same old. Still screening your calls, I see. } } "Damn telemarketers. Well, I do, but their lives are so miserable as it } is they don't seem to notice." } } Speaking of the Damned... } } "Yeah, you finished ripping my CDs yet? I need them back sometime this } millennium you know." } } Uh... Nearly finished, nearly. I'll get right on it. } } "That's what you said LAST millennium." } } Actually, I meant your clientele. Take a look at this guy here - he on } your list? } } "I shoulda known this wasn't a social call, you always want something. } ... Naah, he got removed." } } Repented? } } "Not... exactly. I tell you, I was furious, got pulled away from a } fantastic Suffering Provencale with Pan-Fried Souls to find it's a } cold call from a marketer. But then he told me about these little blue } pills and I have to say, they really have helped." } } You mean - } } "'Fraid so. I've Fallen and I can't get it up." } } You're Evil, Lou. See you Saturday. } } "That's what they tell me. Ciao, baby!" } ... } } So there you have it. You're reprieved for now, but it might be worth } considering a career change if you want to stay that way. } } You owe the Oracle a Do Not Call List that includes supernatural } beings.