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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How does the Oracle use PigeonRank technology to judge the wit-factor > of each question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't.  I have my priests (and priestesses) do it for me.  Of course, } it would be easier for me to choose the wittiest Oracularities myself. } I am omniscient, after all. } } But, the priests (and priestesses) need something to do. Reading mind } bogglingly dull and witless submissions all day makes the priests (and } priestesses) look upon the more "personal" services I require them to } perform as boon rather than a burden. } } Keeping them busy also helps me justify having more of them about the } temple. Having more priests (and priestesses) increases my stature } among the other deities and demigods (especially when I brag about how } willing and happy they are to perform those "personal" services). } } Now you know why so many questions, replies, and oracularities are } decidedly unfunny. It's to keep up moral -- MY moral. } } You owe the Oracle a question so unbearably dull and banal that my } priests (and especially priestesses) run to me begging to be assigned } some special "personal" duty.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mighty Oracle, in whose omniscient light I actually > understand what my psychology instructors are asking me, please hear > my question! > > I am sure that while I am moving into my new apartment, I will > forget several extremely important items necessary for operation at > my university.  Could y ou, in your all-knowing greatness, inform me > what I will forget without setting up a Go:del logic problem?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's been a while since the Oracle went off to school, } but here's things that he found useful: } } A lyre - Music is big with young people, you'll miss } home less if you can hear tunes that remind you of } happy times gone by. } } A spare tunic -- Your mother won't be there to wash for } you, having a spare tunic is very handy if your constant } studies make it hard for you to troop down to the shore } to rinse out your smock and smack it against a rock a } few times. } } Your very own wax tablet and stylus -- once considered } an extravagance, now a days it's not rare to see a lad } with one of these atop his lap noting words of wisdom. } } A length of ram's intestine, tied off on one end -- } Hey, you might get lucky, you never know. Be prepared. } } You owe the Oracle a leather thong.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who is much cuter than a kitten: > > Why do cats always lay right where you're reading?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Cats are exceptionally skilled in mathematics. They are capable of } calculating (down to the demical point) the probability of you sitting } in a specific location. They choose this very same spot in attempt to } draw upon Advanced Lucidian Neurologic to iniate Pracitcal Stress } Relief of the Third Degree, otherwise known as "ear-rubbing".  Most } cats are talented astrophysicists, too. They're all just nihilists. } } You owe the Oracle a scooby-snack.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh no!  No, no, no!!!  I wrote PERVIOUS *again* when I meant > previous.  I did this before as I told you in a pervious massage. > > I think my fimgers are imfected with a firus.  Can you help?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Soggy. I'm afraib I qan't.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's a Mormon?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mon, it be de ol' skool moniker for Muslims mon.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle scholar, saint and sex-symbol, > > What kind of clothes is a city supposed to wear anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Depends on the city. New York used to wear a smoking jacket until } Bloomberg banned it. London still shops at London Fog. San Francisco, } home of the Golden Gate Bridge, has a closet full of jumpers. } Boston always keeps a cape nearby. Chicago is famous for its dress } blues... as well as its athletic supporters. In Washington, D.C., } it's always a coverup. And out in Hollywood, they prefer one item of } clothing above all others: That's a wrap.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most glorious and something-better-than-glorious Oracle... > > What is the true moral behind 2001: A Space Odyssey?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bottom line: Make your kids watch TV or else they'll kill you. } } Let's back up. } } 2001 makes a lot more sense if you read Clarke's "Rama" } first. "Rama" deals with a large, self-sustaining artifact } the purpose of which is unclear -- unlike in 2001. Moreover } in 2001 the monolith seems of mystical origin, while the } artifact in "Rama" is clearly a device built by intelligent } creatures. } } 2001 shows that being smarter than others makes it easier } to kill them. The primal apes that obtained sentience } from the presence of the monolith killed the other apes. } When HAL got near to the monolith HAL obtained sentience } and started to kill humans. } } This is what the ancients conveyed to each other with the } tale of what happened to Kronos. Kronos knew that if you create } something as smart as yourself it could kill you, be it your } kids or your computers. Kronos slipped up though, and his kid } Zeus made Kronos incapable of ever spawning again  -- with a } rusty scythe. Ouch. } } 2001 is a warning to modern man of the same fate. But take } heart, Forces That Be have headed computer tech down the wrong } path (read: monolithic kernels) so they'll never be smart enough } to attack you. That leaves your children. Solution: the Boob } Tube, all it takes is an hour a day and the kid is rendered } damaged to the point of your safety. Of course your parents } did this to you too, making you too dumb to know to do it } to your own kids. Which is where 2001 steps in, a reminder: } Beware dark boxes, keep the TV on, TV -- the anti-monolith, } the artifact that keeps you alive. } } You owe the Oracle a TV dinner and a satellite dish.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "I can see Leary now; my brain is gone..." > > What are the rest of the words to that song?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (Vaguely calypso beat commences) } } I can see Leary now; my brain is gone. } I can see bright colors coming through the gray. } Gone are the walls -- they melted, but I don't mind. } It's gonna be a high, high, L.S.D. day. } It's gonna be a high, high, L.S.D. day. } } I think I can stand up now... no, I was wrong. } I guess I'll just stay curled up inside my bed. } Cripes! There's a rainbow breaking down my door! } It's gonna be a high, high, L.S.D. day. } It's gonna be a high, high, L.S.D. day. } } Look all around, there's nothing but blue skies } Look straight ahead, there's nothing but blue skies } ...and dwarves... } ...and little red bugs... } ...Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!... } } I can see Leary now; my brain is gone. } I close my eyes, but the bugs won't disappear. } They're getting larger, and they want to eat my mind. } It's gonna be a high, high, L.S.D. day. } It's gonna be a high, high, L.S.D. day. } Real, real, real, real high, high, L.S.D. day.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Woeful Oracle, you always see the > worst of me!  I guess that's as it should > be for grovelling, right? > > Anyway, I **again** said "ingore pervious > questoin" when I meant something else.  And > I'm afraid that you actually **did** that. > My questions are still fine, and mostly > unanswered.  But my questoin is hopelessly > ingored, right where it was most pervious. > The poor thing is about to commit hegemony > or worse.  Can you help?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I suspect that I always see the worst of you because that's your } only side. } } "Woeful Oracle" indeed! My only woe is your pathetic existance, } and the fact that you evidently lack a spell checker. } } Your questions might be fine, but your "questoins" DESERVE to be } ingored, or they would be, if we could figure out how to do that. } My guess is that it has something to do with the inbreeding of oxen, } but don't quote me on that (except, perhaps, in a digest, and don't } quote me on THAT, please). } } Furthermore, the correct usage is he-gemo-nism not hegemony. } } You owe the Oracle a free subscription to Dictionary.com. I already } have a hegemony.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Literate and Illuminative Oracle, I need the > light from your eyes too see my way through the Dark. > > I intend to start a new Science Fiction magazine, to > be called "Preposterous sf".  Please send me a list of > good story topics, themes or plots, as well as a list > of potential authors.  Note that I cannot pay any > money at this time, so the writers will have to be > looking at future payment or some other similar > arrangement.  My motto will be "The Preposterouser > the Better."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OK, Wild "Who'd a Thought it Possible?" Stories of Tomorrow!! } } I'll give you the articles, but you have to match them } with the best possible author from the list below. Enjoy. } } 10) LaughterHouse Five: Monthly Other-Worldly Joke Column } 09) $19.84 : Surveillance on a Budget } 08) No!! Crash!!: Blue Screen of Death to Show up on }      Interstellar Vehicles? } 07) The Puppy Masters: Pet Cloning Gone Wrong, Will }      our Dogs put Us on Leashes? } 06) A Wrinkle this Time: Future Fashion, Plastic }      Surgery to Make You look Older } 05) 20000 Legumes From Under the Sea: Human Beings to }      Feast on Deep Sea Beans } 04) An Orange Clock Works! Fruit Machines of Tomorrow Today! } 03) Stand on a Sand Bar: Fort Lauderdale, Culture Center }      of the Western World } 02) A Cannibal For MadCow with Grits: Why Brains }      Should be Served Everywhere, with Every Meal } 01) Man in the High and Dry Castle: New Orleans 2005 } } a) Philip K. Dick } b) John Brunner } c) George Orwell } d) Walter M. Miller Jr. } e) Neal Stephenson } f) Robert A Heinlein } g) Jules Verne } h) Anthony Burgess } i) Kurt Vonnegut } j) Madeleine L'Engle } } You owe the Oracle the entire "Dead Like Me" series on DVD.