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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will she ever get out of the cage?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: *sigh* Just what I needed to start my day. } } Zadoc: (reading over the Oracle's shoulder) The insignificant }   mite didn't even grovel! You will surely punish this offense }   with a mighty ZOT, my fantastibulous Master! } } Oracle: Tempted as I am to do so, I am most distressed by the }   contents of this message... } } Zadoc: Why, of course, Your Unmeasurableness! The sick taste }   of this lowly supplicant... } } Oracle: Sick? Wh... Ah, how silly of me. For a moment there I }   had hoped you would grasp the meaning of this message, not }   taking into account the fact that you are almost as ignorant }   as I am omniscient. } } Zadoc: O You to whom no meaning is hidden, please forgive your }   unworthy worm's stupidity! } } Oracle: OK, OK. Get up. Now look. During your years of work as }   a priest, haven't you come across such short, pointless }   questions as these before? What was their real meaning? } } Zadoc: Woodchuck innuendo? } } Oracle: Erm... Granted, many of them are indeed that, but for }   those the ZOTting comes before you can think about it. Try }   again. } } Zadoc: (strains his mind in an effort to remember) I am at a }   loss, Irreducible one! } } Oracle: Zadoc, please... only last week I gave you the task of }   copying and sorting all of the Oracularities in treeware format, }   you *must* have come across this... } } Zadoc: But wh... <sound of sudden realization> Ooooh... It's one }   of your agents, Your Networked Grace! } } Oracle: Ah, you finally learned something! So tell me, how does }   one decipher my agents' messages? } } Zadoc: Erm... ROT13? } } Oracle: Never mind, you're a lost case. Anagrams, you incompetent }   dimwit! } } Zadoc: Forgive me, Your Majestic Polyliteracy!! My annoying mistakes }   are nothing but the fruit of my limited, extremely finite mind, }   when compared to y... } } Oracle: Shut up, you're giving me a headache. What's an anagram of }   "will she ever get out of the cage" ? } } Zadoc: (thinks for a while) "a hot greece ghee volt slut wife" ? } } Oracle: Ewwww! For Zeus' sake, get out of here, you perv! OUT! } } Zadoc: (runs out of the room, leaving the Oracle alone in front of }   the terminal) } } Oracle: Even in my onmiscience I forget that I am surrounded by }   morons... Now back to business... Damn, how could this happen? }   He was to be kept under strict vigilance... } } The situation was dire, as the Oracle could tell by the foul, albeit } euphemised curse the agent used to begin his message. The Oracle } stared at the letters, his powerful mind rearranging them into an } ominous phrase that doesn't stop pounding in his brain... } } OH CRUEL GATE! OG FLEE WITH STEVE.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ------=_Part_5400_4594272.1128948872302 > Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 > > what will I reach beyond my limits? > > ------=_Part_5400_4594272.1128948872302--

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You'll move up to Part_5400_4594272.1128948872303 }                                                 ^!!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What good is sitting alone, in a room? > Come, hear the music play! > Life is a cabaret, old chum, > come to the cabaret! > > (Sheet music attached)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What good is sittin' alone at your screen } Come hear the Oracle say } The queue is a cabaret, old chum } So send in a tellme today } } Watch where you're sittin', it's not very clean } Digest might come today, yes } The queue is a cabaret, old chum } So send in an askme today } } Come taste the Coke, come read the flames } Yes, it's time for rhodent baitin' } Right this way, your newsgroup's waitin' } } No use permittin' a priest of the queue } Wipe every smile away, yes } The queue is a cabaret, old chum } So send in a tellme today } } ------ instrumental break ------ } } The queue is a cabaret, old chum } Only a cabaret, old chum } So askme and tellme today } } The Oracle apparently owes Louis Armstong some severe apologies. } You owe the Oracle an easier song to do next time.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most tantalizing and terrorizing, please answer my question, > > Is the shrinking class a concern?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That depends, of course, on what do they expect you to shrink. } If it's just trivial stuff like shirts, human cranea, or your } partner's motivation, it shouldn't be a problem. The average } topics in these classes are telegrams (yes, there still are } prople that use them), baggage for your vacation or visits } to the inlaws. These are still no reason to quit, but you } will have to invest more effort, and make sure you get a } good night's sleep before the finals. If it's the major } league stuff we're talking about here - such as taxes, } September 1993, or that belly you got after your last } vacation - , well, to put it mildly, it's gonna take } all the caffeine you can get your claws on, but for } this effort, you will be rewarded with a very rare } skill. In any case, it is to be expected that you } will have to hand in some sort of practical home } assignment by the end of the term, where you'll } be asked to demonstrate all the techniques you } learned during the course, or some of them to } your choice. A very common theme, frequently } showing up in tests as well, is applying an } existing shrinking algorithm in a creative } way. For instance, using the "chop pieces } off one end" method, normally applied to } vegetables and such, to reduce the size } of your interlocutor's units of spoken } or written text progressively; If the } other party doesn't realize what you } are doing, you can expect to obtain } bonus points. This stunt is hardly } ever achieved, of course, since a } sequence of shrinking text lines } would most definitely be caught } by the intended target, before } you have managed to obtain as } impressive a result as to be } eligible for the bonus. Oh, } also, the target could end } up resorting to bizarrely } violent means to inflict } severe pain on you as a } revenge. Therefore, it } would be wise on your } side not to seek the } aforementioned task } and settle for the } more conventional } reduction styles } the sorts of... } What in heck's } name is going } on here? Are } you...? Oh, } no. A very } bad idea. } Hold on, } gimme a } sec... } *ZOT* } } Phew, in the nick of time! I feel a lot better. You owe } the Oracle a camel that can pass through the hole of a } needle and a method to reduce the country's woodchuck } population in the world as close to zero as possible } within 3 months. You also... huh?? NOT AGAIN! *ZOT*

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Super wise smarty-pants of a deity that you are; > please tell me what "Charge code 01.188.04674.421" means.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, that's easy. I, of course, can tell just by looking at it, but } I'll take it step-by-step for your benefit. We are going to use a 1=A, } 2=B code first. } } The first 0 is just there because math nerds like to be confusing } and put 0's there, so we can just chuck that out. 1, of course, } equals A. The next word starts with a 1 again, so that's A A. 8=H, } so that would be A AHH. So far so good! } } There's that zero again. Chuckit. Then we have a 4, which is D, } a 6 which is F, a 7 which is G and another D. So that's A AHH DFGD. } Then there's just 421, which would be DBA. } } Our completed code is A AHH DFGD DBA. } } Now we take our zero's and periods back (unchuckem.) Where they are } placed defines what the true letters and words are through use of the } Country Cororones Code (CCC.)  For example, A would usually be S, } but with a zero in front of it it becomes I, and so on. You should } know the rest. } } Now we decode 'A AHH DFGD DBA' using the CCC. It should take about two } minutes or so. When done, the completed code reads 'I SEE YOUR BRA'. } } Your charge for this slutty act is $50.00...but next time we won't } be so nice, Steve.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise > > Do I really owe you a partridge in a pear tree? > > I mean, that would make me your true love, and I'd hate to get between > you and Lisa. > > Please enlighten this humble supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I love all my (yecch) supplicants.  (Eyccchhh.) } Even the ones who never give me my tribute, even } those I love tremendously.  (Phoooey!  Blchh!!) } I treat all supplicants equally, so if one owes } me (for instance) a partridge in a pear tree, then } all of them do.  Don't take any of this personally, } and don't worry about my personal life.  Just get } me my damned tribute! } } You owe the Oracle the whole Xmas song of stuff. } Be careful to protect the Ladies Dancing and the } Maids a-Milking from the Lords a-Leaping. } } You also owe the Oracle (an equal-opportunity } tribute collector) a bunch of Hannukkah tribute } too: }    Eight Menorah candles, }    Seven pounds of kreplach, }    Six hamantaschen, }    Five percent on bills, }    Four liverwurst, }    Three Kosher pickles, }    Two gefilte fish, }    And a discount on damaged dry goods. } } In addition, you owe the Oracle's rabbi an } explanation of how the hamantaschen snuck out of } Purim and got into Hannukkah.  Oh, and six of them } is not enough.  More, more. } } Furthermore, you owe the English-speaking world } a dissertation on the various ways to render Hebrew } and Yiddish words into English spelling without } ruining the delightful but weird flavor and the } difficult pronunciation. } } You also might find that you owe the Yiddish-speaking } world (what's left of it) an apology for my having } quoted the Hannukkah song which someone might find } offensive, and for having left out any mention of } dreidles.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I do not steal books from libraries, in spite of the > charges against me in court.  I smuggle books INTO > libraries.  Last week (when I got caught) I was trying > to smuggle the complete set of Oracularities into the > Knox County library.  It was a hand-copied edition that > I wrote out myself, in violation of Kinzler's copyright. > It was neatly lettered, handsomely bound, had a library > accession number and had the "Property of Knox County > Library" secret stamp on page 41, just like real library > books.  (That's how they "proved" I was stealing it.) > It also was illustrated with my drawings of you in > various costumes or lack thereof. > > My bail is set at $2500, but I only have $3.37 in my > pocket.  Well, actually it's in the Knox County Jail > desk drawer.  I think they were afraid I'd hang myself > with my money, because they also took my belt and my > shoelaces. > > Please send $2500 (or at least $2496.63) as soon as > possible or you may never get another question from > me again.  Thank you. > > Oh, and how can I beat the charges against me?  My > court-appointed lawyer just laughs when he starts > thinking about my case.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} good choice on your books there. } } Turns out the judge in the question once asked me a question about } the mating habbits of woodchucks, and as payment I demanded to be } able to decide the verdict of any case at a later date. Therefore, } I can call in my marker and get you off, but its going to cost you. } } you owe me: two bottle of scotch, your journals for the last ten } years (all signed) and when you are elected president...er, I mean, } at a later date, if you ever have the power, I want five pardons to } be named later. don't worry about the bail, being in jail will keep } you from being killed when the thief who is breaking into your house } tonight, would have woken you up and startled him, causing him to } unload with his gun. } } oh, and don't mention this incident to anyone, the media will uncover } it soon enough.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, path Oracle most wise, > Why have you stopped sending me your digests? > A mere week without your wisdom makes my hair limp and lifeless.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <Zadoc, send one of the standard responses.  I fixed the bug that was } sending more than one.  Also, supplicant's hair is limp due to a calcium } deficiency, nothing to do with the digests.  -- Orrie> } } The restraining order prohibits casual contact } } I'm teaching you a lesson about dealing with loss } } The power of my immaculate word was killing too many supplicants } } Your Exchange server crashed } } My AOL 10.0 For Deities crashed } } Error: No route to supplicant } } You accidentaly hit the "Block Sender" button again } } Didn't you get the memo? } } I had you listed in another plane of existance } } I warned you } } Kinzler did it } } I was busy re-reading all of the chapters of Acts of Gord } } Well, you said you wanted digests with the non-funny bits removed } } Error: supplicant name lookup failure } } Your Oracle account is overdrawn by 5 grovels } } Your Sony DRM software is interfering with your mail client } } Your mail client is interfering with your Sony DRM software } } Clean the gunk out of your mouse } } 550 supplicant unknown } } Zadoc did it } } I wanted to see if you were really reading them } } ...and if you do it again, I'll cut off your newsfeed too } } ...and if you do it again, I'll cut off your oxygen too } } HSSI3/0 is up, line protocol is down } } It's the Oracular Holiday of LINT, supplicants must abstain from digests } for 42 days and 42 nights } } We have a Level 1 TAR open with our vendor } } Check again now } } Testing the accuracy of your anti-spam filter } } The Oracle giveth, and The Oracle taketh away } } MAILER DAEMON has the week off } } You're still getting them, I just changed the subject line to } "Bullet-proof adult hosting!!!" } } A W**dch*ck found an unattended root prompt } } Level3 depeered me

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Back in prehistoric days I asked you for advice on catching > dinasours.  You said to put salt on their tails and it > worked. They stopped to lick the salt, and you could catch them. > > So more recently I asked you about catching birds, and you gave the > same salty advice. I couldn't even get close enough to throw the salt! > Why can't you give good advice, instead of the same old stuff? > > Oh, and where did you put the dinasours?  They are all gone.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alas, the dinasours, predecessor to the whiskeysours of } today are indeed extinct. The only evidence of them is } their cousin the saltrimmedtequila, a creature that adapted } almost too well to changes in its environment. As for the } birds, a salty tale only works on the tough ones, the } others are best captured with a thick wallet. } } You owe the Oracle a Dimorphodon sandwich.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The current US first class postage is thirty-seven cents. It has > been this way a while, actually. But I have just noticed something > odd about that fact. Observe: > >   /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ >  /      37c \      37c /      37c \      37c /      37c \      37c / >  \ ::====== / ::====== \ ::====== / ::====== \ ::====== / ::====== \ >  / ======== \ ======== / ======== \ ======== / ======== \ ======== / >  \ ======== / ======== \ ======== / ======== \ ======== / ======== \ >  / USA      \ USA      / USA      \ USA      / USA      \ USA      / >  \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ >  \      37c /      37c \      37c /      37c \      37c /      37c \ >  / ::====== \ ::====== / ::====== \ ::====== / ::====== \ ::====== / >  \ ======== / ======== \ ======== / ======== \ ======== / ======== \ >  / ======== \ ======== / ======== \ ======== / ======== \ ======== / >  \ USA      / USA      \ USA      / USA      \ USA      / USA      \ >   \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ >  /      37c \      37c /      37c \      37c /      37c \      37c / >  \ ::====== / ::====== \ ::====== / ::====== \ ::====== / ::====== \ >  / ======== \ ======== / ======== \ ======== / ======== \ ======== / >  \ ======== / ======== \ ======== / ======== \ ======== / ======== \ >  / USA      \ USA      / USA      \ USA      / USA      \ USA      / >  \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ > > Eighteen stamps, three groups of six (6,6,6), have a total face value > of six dollars sixty-six cents ($6.66). This must be significant > somehow, and wise Oracle I implore you to explain what this entails.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} the significance is that you have WAY to much freetime at your job with } the post office as postage stamp counter. There is no signicance to } either that or the clouds of sulpher comming from your bosses office, } or the heat and flames you sometimes think you see in the break room. } no connection whatsoever! } } you owe the oracle free shipping with UPS.