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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What does Dan Quayle eat for breakfast?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   For breakfast, Dan Quayle prefers Vice Crispies.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do women *really* want?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Several things, actually. } 1) To eat and NEVER have to worry about gaining weight. } 2) To have the `perfect figure'. (See 1) } 3) To have a wardrobe akin to that of Imelda Marcos. } 4) To have a challenging and rewarding career. } 5) To be able to say, `Screw the children!' and have the (male and fully } equipped) nanny take care of them. } 6) To have a man who will always agree with her. (AND mean it!) } 7) To have a man with a schlong as long as she can take, which can rise } on request. } 8) To have a man who knows when she wants it, and won't bother her at } any other time. } 9) To have a man who does the stereotypically female housejobs, and } doesn't complain. } 10) To have a man who is absolutely idiotic, and completely loyal. } Think you can live up to 6-10? Thought not.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why is gras gren oricl.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} gras iz gren becuz the creator of this wurld haz sum artistik } sensibility, and its a wunderful match for the bloo sky.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Whenever I buy a textbook, pages 3-92 are always replaced by "Nurleen's > Naughty Nookie", an uninspired porn novel without pictures.  How can I > stop this pattern, or at least get the pictures?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a subtle (but ineffective) plot by the KGB to encourage young } people in the free world to preoccupy themselves with sex and neglect } their studies.  It is hoped that this will cause the economy of the free } world to collapse as the GNP goes down while the consumer population } increases dramatically.  The main problem is that the KGB cannot write a } decent porn novel if their lives depended on it.  To counter this the } CIA has made sure that all texts in the Soviet Union are now found to } have every other page replaced with a page from "DEEP inside Kasha:  her } innermost fantasies." (32 pages, 47 unique words, 12 full color } pictures) } } To stop this pattern you must find a tall blonde from Minsk who is } dressed in black leather.  Her name is Natasha.  She will say the phrase } "If I vere to give you a jar of Wasiline and a feather duster, vhat } vould jou do?" You response should be:  "Study." } } Be sure to bring along a video camera.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do you, oh great and mighty oracle, go about getting laid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I don't do that much anymore, but in my youth all it took was } hanging around really successful deities and taking their `scraps'. (Let } me tell you, an immortals scraps are better than most mortals' dreams!) } I bedded many a nymph that way. (NOT nymphO, NYMPH. They were a RACE } unto themselves, and BOY could THEY give head!) } Of course, showing off didn't hurt, either. A few lightning bolts and } pulling greater demons out of a hat sure helped me score, especially } when we slummed with flies. (Term used to describe mortals. Comes from } Mayflies. Get the picture?) }   Then, when I was desperate, I'd summon up a nice Succubus. (Or is it } Incubus? I could never get them straight. Quite embarrasing when I got } the wrong one, though. I'm not like those Greek gods, I only swing one } way!) }   Of course, then there's the time me and Apollo went on a panty raid on } Olympus... boy, you should have seen Aphrodite's... hrumph. Excuse me. } You owe the Oracle "Ninety Ways to get a Woman in Bed: GUARANTEED!" by } Slummo publications. } The Oracle has reminisced.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   How shall I find the Tao in this life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You will seek the Tao on the mountains.  You will seek the Tao in the } desert.  You will seek the Tao underwater.  You will seek the Tao on a } spaceship to the Jovian moons.  You will seek the Tao in the arms of } entirely too many lovers.  You will seek the Tao in the world's great } libraries.  You will seek the Tao in the seminars of many New Age } teachers.  You will seek the Tao in gin and whiskey.  You will give up } your search.  You will then find the Tao in a sleazy pornographic } bookstore in the Bronx.  Then someone will steal your wallet.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I need your advice, Oracle. > See, I've been reading some Lovecraft, and I had typed in some of the > more poetic sections. However, one of my encrypting programs scrambled > the file. > Surprisingly, the poem was still legible, though it didn't make a whole > lot of sense. I began reading aloud, liking the sound of the phrasings, > and waved my hands about to measure out the rhyme scheme. > To the point; I now have a squid-like insect under my chair, four eyes > staring at me from the darkness to my left, and something looking like a > partially melted Tyrranasaurus Rex drooling on the monitor. >  The squid is kinda cute. How do I get rid of the dino-sludge? It's > getting hungry.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahh, It is quite obvious how to get rid of BOTH creatures.  You have a } dual method of doing things.  Encrypt is the opposite of decrypt.  So if } you still have the screwed up encryption program.  Write a screwed up } decryption program.  Read this aloud and follow the hand motions and } Wall-ah, you have turned a summon into a banishment. } } But you say you only want to get rid of the dino-sludge, that is more } difficult.  First around the squid being set up a type 4 pentagonal } protection grid (you know the one that has the 5 candles and the gold } and silver dust with the sheeps blood and the nutmeg) use your true name } as what is to be protected from.  I suggest you use a type 9 demon name } encryption routine; This will save you the trouble of revealing your } true name to the squid.  Then do the instructions I gave you for the } banishment.  Followed by getting a friend to remove the protection } circle. } } Warning:  Do not use a type 8, 1, or 3 protection grid or your friend } will not be able to remove it and you will have to get an enemy to do } it.  That could be hard.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is *really* my father?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is not an area in which the Oracle can guide you. You must discover } your true fatherly person on your own. But one suggestion: start the } trail by reading _Are You My Mother_, by Dr. Seuss, and once you have } that part down, the rest will fall into place. } } And a second suggestion: Your father is not Darth Vader.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can you throw a pencil hard enough to penetrate a human skull? (I've > always wondered)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's a good thing you asked someone with experience. } } Yes.  Sharpen your pencil first.  You should hold your pencil about a } centimeter in front of the #2 sign, so that it's balanced and won't } go in eraser first.  However, I recommend a mechanical pencil; They } fly better. } } Aim for the ear.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's a good place to visit in San Francisco?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The question you should be asking is why anyone would want to visit San } Francisco.  Only those people that are not at one with themselves desire } to travel.  These people seek to fill the gaps in their souls by } traveling to other places, looking for enlightenment and happiness. } They hope that each new place they visit will provide them with what } they need, but instead are disappointed again and again. } } I, on the other hand, am so content with myself that I never move at } all.  Not even to go to the bathroom.