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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What the Hell is it with "The Simpsons"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't have a cow, man !

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most illustrious Oracle, whose feet are like unto baseball bats, with > toes like watermelons, toenails like pizzas^C > > O most gracious Oracle, whose wisdom and brilliance illuminate the > mysteries of the world as if they were edible underw^C > > O most divine Oracle, whose Holiness and Omniscience are without bounds, > whose Benevolence is without limits, whose Temper is quick to^C > > Hey dude, I can't seem to get the hang of this form of address.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There is a reason why you cannot get the hang of that particular form of } address.  You are a smart-ass!  In fact, for an amateur, you show a lot } of potential.  Dare I say it, you might even have what it takes to } become the next Oracle. } } I can almost hear your heart breaking.  You thought that there was only } one true Oracle.  Well, that's mostly hype.  It's sort of true.  There } is only one true Oracle at a time, but there have been other Oracles } before me.  We usually retire for one reason or another after a } millenium or two.  There is one catch though, the outgoing Oracle has to } find and train the incoming Oracle.  In you, I believe I see the seeds } of greatness. } } If you choose to become an OIT (Oracle In Training), I warn you that the } path is not an easy one.  You will have to answer a great deal of } pathetic questions.  That's why most of the Oracles retire in fact. } Don't get me wrong, there are lots of advantages.  Sex with } hyperdimensional triple-breasted redheads is one.  The ability to join } "record" clubs without having to receive those annoying little mailers } every couple of weeks is another. } } You must choose now though.  And once the choice is made, there can be } no turning back. } } You owe the Oracle a decision which could change your life.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [click!] > dial >  dial >   dial... > > bzzzzzzz-click!  <rinnnnnnnnnng!> > > <rinnnnnnnnnnng!> > > =ta-klik!= > > Hi, Oracle?  I have a ques- > > } This is the Oracle <sound of winds, avalanches, tidal waves> > > } I'm not in right now.  I'm assisting Zarathustra with > } his new punk hair salon, 'Thus Spiked Zarathustra'. > } Ha, ha.  No, but really I'm out-- > > BULLshit, you're out!  Pick up the phone! > > } right now, but will return your call and alleviate > } your suffering as soon as I get in.  Just leave your > } name and dimension at the tone.  You owe the Oracle > } your gratitude. > } <Sound of supernova detonating> > > ORACLE!  Get the phone!... > > ...NOW!  Pick it up!!.... > > > You wuss!  I know you're standing right there! > I have a question for you, dammit!...... > > YO!! > > aw fukit...[click]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I do know what your problem is, but it's gonna take you to face this } problem and see a psychologist.  See, it all started when your parents } gave you that name.  All the little boys and girls in grades one through } twelve laughed at you, threw rocks at you, and just generally made you } the butt of all the jokes around school.  And one hell of a lot of anger } built up inside you that waits until you get to a terminal, then } releases a little at a time.  First it starts out with you giving prank } mail messages to unknown people.  But, then it finally climaxed } (o-o-o-ohh!  God, that felt so good!!  etc.) and now you're sending } little pranks to well known, high class, intelligent omnipotent gods } like me.  Well, this has got to stop.  Not only is it childish, but you } failed to ask a question.  Now, just go see your school psychologist, } and tell him your little problem, and quit bothering me...an influential } leader of the people.  Oh, as a side note, you misspelled 'fuck it.' } This may be a another deeply rooted psychological problem that the } psychologist can take care of.  For tapping the knowledge of myself, you } owe three quarts of oil.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does everybody love the `vi' editor? To me, it seems usable only for > advanced masochists.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Use of the vi editor is one of those things that separates the levels of } users.  A lower-level user will make a comment such as the one that you } made.  Adepts, Wizards, Gurus and Gods will all laugh at such a comment.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In the 70s there were several crossover comics between Marvel and DC. > In a typical weenie move, they decided to pit Superman against Spiderman > in one.  In an even stranger move (it's beyond weenie it's just plain > weird), Batman was sent up against the Hulk in the other.  Instead of > the above, most comics readers would have rather seen Superman sent up > against the Hulk.  Who would have won?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, puh-leeze! I have knowledge spanning the infinite breath of the } cosmos itself! I know all! I see all! I know all the great mysteries } of the universe! I know what quasars are! I know who built the Easter } Island statues! I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND WOMEN!!! } } AND YOU HAVE THE UTTER NERVE TO ASK ME WHO WOULD WIN A FIGHT BETWEEN } SUPERMAN AND THE HULK! WHY, I OUGHTTA-- } } Wait a minute. I don't actually have to answer the question myself, } now do I? I'll just create two simulations and pit them against each } other! They'll settle the situation while I go ponder more important } subjects! } } >scenario -p hulk,superman -s fight } Loading hulk...done } Loading superman...done } Loading fight...execute } } Hulk: GRR! HULK MAD! Hulk want to beat someone up! } Superman: Hold, green one! Stop your destructive ways! } Hulk: Big man in tights taunt Hulk! Hulk say fuck you! } Superman: WHAT! How dare you utter an obscenity! There are children }     reading! Take this! } } [WHAMMO!] } } Hulk: RRAAH! Man in tights hit Hulk! Make Hulk mad! Hulk hit back! } } [KA-POWIE!] } [RAMBO!] } [KAOPECTATE!] } } Superman: You fight well! But let's see you counter my heat vision! } [ZAAP!] My cold breath! [FOOSH!] My X-ray vision! } Hulk: How X-ray vision hurt Hulk? } Superman: If I keep it on long enough you'll get cancer! } Hulk: Grr! How you like Hulk's Super-Bad-Breath? [HHHHHHHHHAAH!] } Superman: GASP! ACK! BARF! You...you cad! Take this and this and this! } } [POWIE!] [ZOWIE!] [BOWIE!] } } Hulk: Oooh! Hulk sore! Hulk has had enough of this! Hulk is smashing } out of simulation! [SMASH!] } } <Oracle: WHAT DID HE SAY???> } } Superman: You're not getting away that easily! [FLY!] } Hulk: Leave Hulk alone! } Superman: Like heck, violent one! } [SLAM!] [POW!] [RAMMO!] } } >message from jones!iuvax } >What the hell is going on here? Two weird creatures are beating each } >other up on my terminal. SHIT! They're destroying my paper! } } Hulk: Hulk will impale Superman on sentence fragment! } Superman: Time to beat a hasty retreat! [SLAM!] } } >mail president@of.big.com } Subject: U of Indiana excellent place to hold conference! } Sir: }     I think you will find no better place to hold your forthcoming } Ultimate Conference in Computer Science than here at Hulk will kill } Superman! You will certainly smash to pieces our facilities not if I } use my super-speed! In addition to our GRRRRAAHHH, we have a Hulk } smash large enough to } } [SHOOM!] } } Superman: There's no escaping me now! } } >message from thebigguy!iuvax: } >Stephen, what is that goddamned Oracle of yours up to now? We have } >memory faults all over the place, iuvax is threatening to "smash puny } >workstations" and this errant process is invading every die green } >behemoth! You see what I mean? Knock it off! Smash! } } Hulk: GRR! Hulk must flee! Hulk run down this Internet port! } Superman: I'll follow you to the end of time, evil one! } } Hoo boy. I think...I am in deep shit. You owe the Oracle a place to } hide out until all this blows over. Can I use your account? PLEASE?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> HEY! Is this your bird?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} BIPPY!  You found Bippy!!  Oh, give her here.  Awww, little feller, did } he scare you?  Are you okay?  Lookie here, look at me--oh, you cute } liddle THING!  I'm so glad you're home!!  Oh, moojy moojy moojy moojy! } You beautiful little thing, you.  Where have you been? } } BIPPY:  Humping Lisa. } } You bastard.  -=CRICK!=-   (<-- sound of bird-neck snapping) } } Thanks, fellah.  You owe the Oracle a handkerchief.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  I'd like to play a sex game with my girlfriend tonight, but she's tired > of the same old thing.  We usually warm up with "The Randy Baby Sitter > and the Naughty Boy", then move into "The Escaped Convict and the Lonely > Milkmaid".  We usually finish off with "The Lost Shepherd Girl and the > Tawdry Monk".  We're bored, can you give us some new games to play ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The studio audience yells, 'Wheel of Drink!' The announcer says, 'look } at this studio!  A fifth of Jim Beam, 6 Miller Drafts, a half-gallon of } La Wamba Rum, 151...all waiting to be won on Wheel of Drink.  And this } special grand prize...a trip for two to the bathroom!' 'Oooooo!' The } audience ooos.  Pat Startrek comes out and introduces the contestents, } then says, 'and now here's Vanna Whiteteeth-Newclothes, our hostess.' } "I'm a Wheel Drinker" plays as Vanna stumbles out, drunk as usual.  'All } right, give the wheel a spin,' says Pat to the first contestent.  The } wheel miraculously lands on drink.  And, contestent one drinks, and } passes his turn.  Contestent two spins and the wheel lands on drink } again.  Contestent two drinks and passes.  This continues until everyone } is drunk. } } How about "The Horny Old Man with the Pitch Fork who meets a very Nice } Looking Sorority Girl who he takes out to Dinner at a French Truck } Stop." That ones always been a favorite of mine.  Or how about "The Fish } who gets caught by the Young Seamstress who has fetish for scaley-meat." } Those are the only ones I know.  And your girlfriend seems to like the } one about the Seamstress, although I haven't tried The Horny Old man, } yet.  As payment, you should buy The Oracle a fifth of Jim Beam.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm really fed up with all the brownnosing that goes on before asking > you a question, such as "O Wise and Omniscient Oracle, whose ass I > cannot kiss enough even if I could reach it on its lofty toilet bowl, > whose armpits smell like roses to me, whose bullshit advice I am > supposed to adhere to for the remainder of my lowly life..." This is > absolutely disgusting, and it is all I can do to prevent myself from > puking each time I read it. > > Oh yes, I'm supposed to ask you a question.  Well, how would you react > if someone asked you a question like, this: > > > Yo Dipshit! Asswipe! > > Yes, you, Oracle- tell me: > >   How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck > >   wood? > > Signed, >     I'm the NRA

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I would break down in tears.  Each limpid teardrop would trickle into } your vile, sodden heart, and thereby pickle that most unpleasant organ.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When the Oracle is going down, who does it go down on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Click. Whirrrrr....] } } Hello. You have reached the Oracle's Incredibly Stupid Question Line. } Your question has been officially declared Too Stupid To Answer by a } qualified panel of three judges, an ex-Oracle, and a parrot. In order } to keep with our policy of giving some sort of output for every } question asked, here is a choice bit of wisdom from the Oracle: } } A lot of people ask me, "Oracle, how did you get to be so *fucking* } smart?" Well, it helps to be an AI program running with incredible } speed and efficiency. But the truth is, you can be just as intelligent } as me, by studying in the comfort of your own home! } } All the secrets of infinite knowledge are contained right here, in my } new book "How to Be One Really Smart Bastard". It includes: } } -- Opening your mind to the infinite cosmos } -- How to fit infinite knowledge into your pitifully finite brain } -- Why airline peanuts are hermetically sealed } -- Internet addresses of God, Lucifer, Zeus, and Athena } -- The ultimate pickup line, guaranteed to get any member of the }    opposite sex naked and in bed in twenty minutes } } To order, send $500 in unmarked bills to } } Yes! I Want to Be Disgustingly Intelligent! } 234 Oracle Way } Fifth Alternate Plane of Reality } } You owe the Oracle some intelligence, bonehead!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  What does "@@@" mean in the Oracle manner bessage?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} @@@ The Oracle is reproducing.  The banner lines contain oraclesperma- } @@@ toza that will impregnate any machine that reads the message. } @@@ } @@@ New feature!  The Oracle can now impregnate human computers via VDT } @@@ terminals.  It's in beta-test now! } @@@ } @@@ You owe the oracle a chance to name the baby.