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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are your best incarnations always in or from the UK > or Australia?  (I can gather hints from language or > spelling.)  The ones from the US always seem to mess up > your thoughts, making you seem rude, crude or socially > unacceptable.  Do you seek out Brits and Aussies especially, > or are you just getting them through the luck of the Irish > or whatever kind of good fortune floats around Indiana > these days?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, they are all from Pakistan and India, mostly around } Bangalore: that accounts for the Britishisms you noticed in the } spelling and language. } } ... the rates on outsourcing were getting just too low for even me, } the Wise and Munificent Oracle, to resist.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Oracular Oracle, > > Is that it? I mean this whole Christmas thing, they've been going on > about it for months, advertising, decorations, the whole "war on > Christmas", and THAT'S IT? It's over? Seems much ado about nothing, to > me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I could give you the whole "CHRISTMAS IS IN OUR HEARTS" spiel, or } the christmas keeps on giving or whatever, but christmas is more like } this } } Thanksgiving is overlooked } Florida flights are overbooked } Sales and discounts all around } Bells are an annoying sound } Santa knows when you pout } Lights blink on and then go out } Once the gifts are all revealed } And all the cards are all unsealed } New years day is the new big thing } Stores are weary with return door ding } The rest of the holidays go by fast } And its Christmas time at last } } You owe the oracle the twelve days of christmas back after using that } time for this poem

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Greatest of Oracles, > > What is my sister on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see she's on: } } The Pep Squad. } The Volley Ball Team. } The French Club "A" list. } Time, more often than not. } Your parent's good side. } Billy McGil... Oh dear. } } Oh double dear, something she's -not- on is the pill. } } You owe the Oracle an invite to the wedding.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 2.718281828459045 ^ (sqrt(-1)*pi) - 2.718281828459045 ^ > (sqrt(0-(2.718281828459045^2))*pi)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's all the mechanic had to hear. } } "Yep, that's one stuffed R-2 unit.  Stuck in diagnostic mode, I } spose.", he drawled. } } Luke needed to get this droid fixed, and fast. } } "What's it going to take to get him working again?" } } "Well, you're gonna need a new alternator, serpentine belt, light-saber } launching spring, retractable light-saber launch cover, speech unit..." } } "Speech unit?!", Luke interrupted. } } "Sure.  How else you gonna understand him?  When the speech module } fries out, all they do is beep and whistle.  Sound like an old PS/2 } with a bad fan bearing and non-parity SIMMs." } } "You mean they don't normally sound like that?" } } The old mechanic looked at him quizzically.  "Heck no.  This little guy } would be completely worthless without a speech unit.  Nothing more than } a hard drive on wheels if ya ask me." } } All these years, thought Luke.  All these years I wondered why anyone } would make a droid without a speech unit. } } "So ya want me to fix him or what?", the old man was obviously growing } impatient. } } "Yeah, whatever he needs.", Luke hesitated.  He was still reeling from } this last bit of information. } } "Ya want me to re-fuel his boosters then too?" } } "Boosters?!" Luke exclaimed. } } "Yeah, his booster rockets.  LOX tanks are bone dry." } } Luke was shocked, "You're saying these things can FLY?!" } } "Yup.  Not much sense having an R-2 unit that can't fly.  Nothin' but a } talking hard drive on wheels if ya ask me." } } "Now you're just pulling my chain", Luke said.  "Next you're going to } tell me he's got a holographic 3-D display module and can fire a blaster } out his ass." } } "Blaster is only standard on the LS model." } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "Dune" on DVD.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle must funny, > > These three guys go into a bar. > > And the first one says, "I can order a drink." So he goes up to the > bartender and says, "Bartender, I'd like a drink." > > The bartender takes one look at him and says, "got any ID?" Oh, > because the first guy wasn't old enough. None of the three guys are > old enough to order a drink, but the first one said he would be able > to order it anyway. But when he tries, the bartender looks at him. Got > it? > > So the guy says, "no, it's in my other pants." But the bartender > throws him out of the bar. And the other two guys laugh at him. > > But the Catholic guy goes, "I bet I could do it." He's thinking that > the Muslim guy -- that's the first guy -- just didn't do it right. > So the first guy was the Muslim, but he got thrown out because he > wasn't old enough, okay? But the second guy is Catholic, and he says > "I bet I could do it." Just pretend that Catholic guys could place > bets, because the religion aspect really doesn't have anything to do > with the joke. > > So the Protestant guy goes into the bar -- I mean, the Catholic guy, > I'm not talking about the third guy yet, still the second guy. So he > goes into the bar, and he puts a $50 bill on the counter and says, > "Can I have a drink?" He's trying to bribe the bartender, see? So the > bartender picks up the $50 and puts it in his tip jar. Then he looks > at the first guy and says, "let's see" -- I mean, the second guy, the > Protestant -- and says, "let's see some ID, Clyde." His name wasn't > really Clyde, but that doesn't have anything to do with the joke > either. Cindy, maybe, or Susan or Lucy. It doesn't really matter. The > point was, she wasn't Clyde. But the bartender already had the $50, > and the guy -- girl -- she's a girl, okay? But she knew she wasn't > going to get a drink, because she didn't have ID. I mean she DID have > some ID, but it showed she wasn't old enough to drink. So she leaves. > I mean, the bartender throws him out too. So now there's two guys that > were thrown out. And the other two start laughing at him. Her. > > But then the Jewish guy, he gets this great idea. Saul, let's call > her. I mean, him. No, let's make her name Charlotte, but my point is > that the second guy -- girl -- was Jewish. Not that this has anything > to do with the joke, really; that's just how we're going to keep the > characters straight. So Saul gets this great idea. > > Wait -- did the second guy go in yet? This is the third guy, alright? > But he's this jewish girl that has a really great idea. First she > wraps his ends around each other and tucks herself in -- because she's > a string, did I mention that? So she wraps herself around and tucks > herself in. Then she takes out a comb and combs his head, only he > breaks a few strands as he combs it. Then he walks into the bar -- you > have to believe that strings can walk, see. Oh yeah, and the bar has > a sign up, it says "No strings allowed." That's why the other two > strings got thrown out, they were strings, but the bar doesn't allow > underage strings. Any strings. And the bartender can tell a string > just by looking at them. But this second string -- sorry, third > string, he's tied in a knot, and then he goes in to the bar and orders > a drink. > > And the bartender takes one look at him and says, "where's your ID?" > so the third guy takes out his ID and the bartender looks at it. But > it says "String", see? So the bartender asks, "are you a string?" > > And the string looks him right in the eye and says, "no, I'm afraid > not!" > > Do you get it? "I'm afraid not!" It sounds like, "no, I'm a frayed > knot!" 'Cause he tucked himself end over end, and used his comb to > fray some of his strands, now he's a frayed knot! > > Get it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dan Quayle's second career as a stand-up comedian was } mercifully brief. Unlike his jokes. } } You owe the Oracle some painkillers and $US 1500, for } making him read that.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most, you know, omniscient... > you know my question... > well?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Only if the local groundwater is within EPA standards. } } You owe the Oracle an auger.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most enlivened and robust, you are like a crazed hare > of impeccable knowledge bouncing about the barren wasteland of > dull human ignorance, > > What will be the WAY COOL HIP things of the year 2006?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Beat the rush to the cutting edge, supplicant.  Here are the must-haves } for the coming year: } } Implanted LEDs.  Turn your body into a walking disco lighting system, } flash suggestive or obscene words on your forehead.  If someone asks } why you think the sun shines out of your butt, you can bend over and } show them. } } Generator shoes.  Every step you take provides electricity for your } increasing arsenal of electronic widgets.  Just for kicks you can build } up static and make your hair stand straight out from your body. } } Remote-control sex toys.  Whoo!  Who just pushed your button? } } Virtual Environment glasses - rather bulky in their first iteration, } these gadgets get lighter and smaller, enabling you to strap one on } your noggin and view the world not through rose-colored glasses but } digitally enhanced and augmented ones.  Change your Humanites classroom } into a steamy jungle, your dismal apartment into a tropical paradise, } and the people around you into cartoon characters, movie stars or } flesh-eating zombies.  It's your world, man. } } Home Cosmetic Surgery kits - Nowadays anyone can hang out a shingle and } start doing liposuctions or pumping silicone into someones lips or } butt. Why pay someone else when you can do it in the privacy and } comfort of your own home?  You might practice on the dog or cat or } neighborhood kids, just to make sure you've got the hang of it. } } Sea Monkeys.  Actually they've never gone out of style, but for some } reason 2006 is their year to shine. } } Hope that helps with the shopping list, supplicant. } You owe the Oracle a Chia Pet shaped like that chick in Terminator - } Judgement Day.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh mighty Oracle I beg a favor - will the Bengals win the Superbowl and > if so can I get the spread?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This may come as a shock to you, just as I was once surprised (the only } time ever) when MIT won the Harvard-Yale game.  The Red Sox will win. } I know this is difficult for you to discomprehend.  It's even hard for } me, and (as you know) I am somewhat omniscient.  So just trust me, and } don't bet on anything except a sure winner. } } You owe the Oracle your story of how you managed to collect your } winnings, if any.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, > of terse replies, > with endless waving brain, > with purple zots for those who would > insult you every day! > > Oh Oracle, Oh Oracle, > Shed your grace on me, > and crown the good in archivehood > from sea to shining sea! > > So, do I win the theme song contest?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is bewildered.  Was there a theme song contest? } } *mumbling to assistant* *listening to assistant* } } Apparently, Hermes has mis-directed your query in time.  The theme song } contest doesn't even begin for another 17 years, after the 10th season } celebration of my sitcom on the WB.  We'll save your entry, though. } } You owe the Oracle some temporal stabilizing-insoles for Hermes's } sandals.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle great and vast > Whose knowledge knows no bounds > Why oh why does the caged bird sing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, you are referring to one of the best known, largest selling, } and least read, books in modern Western literature.  Why read } something of substance, when there are DaVinci Codes and Harry } Potters clamoring to distract us? } } As it happens, I read the book, and I do know why the caged bird } sings.  Well, I guess it might be fairer to say that I have a } pretty good idea of why the caged bird sings.  I suppose it's more } of an inkling really; I'm not a bird, myself.  But even as a non- } avian, I have a fair appreciation for why the caged bird sings. } You don't have to have feathers, after all, to possess an intellectual } hold, in a general way at least, of why the caged bird sings.  Birds } do not possess any monopoly on singing when caged, and a taste of that } can be had even by those never incarcerated.  I have interviewed one } particular bird of my acquaintance, and while I may not be able to } generalize with perfect accuracy why *the* caged bird sings, I can } definitely tell you why *a* caged bird *has* sung at one or more } particular points in time, in certain caged locales.  I am far from } mixed up over why the caged bird sings; indeed I have a remarkably } good grasp.  I can discern several reasons why the caged bird might } sing, and while it may be problematic to ascertain which of these } has absolute primacy over the others, I do have my suspicions.  When } you have eliminated the impossible regarding singing birds in cages, } Dr. Watson, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. } With my vast knowledge of winged creatures, and not a little experience } with cages, it is possible to put two and two together with regard to } the issue of why the caged bird sings.  I have surmised, to a fair } degree of accuracy, within appropriate parameters of course, about } cages and singing vis a vis birds. } } Vis avis, get it? } } Yes, I have more or less sussed out why the caged bird sings.  It } has something to do with black females being oppressed in the } American South in the 1930s.  The birds down there were apparently } the first to speak up, errr sing up, about this scandal.  The ones } in cages, living with black females in their homes.  We owe the } caged birds of the Depression-era South our thanks.  And decades } later they still sing, self-righteous little twerps that they are. } Listen to them, and be uplifted, and then go fight Global Warming. } } I hope this explanation helps with your term paper. } } You owe the Oracle a lavender taffeta dress.