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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Have you ever thought that they could have done it in the car more > than once? I mean they just look SO HAPPY at the end. All laughing > and giggling and everything as they come running outside. Could all > that happiness really have come from just one consummation? I know > that humans will never know for sure but you know everything there > is to know so you should be able to answer my question. There's a > lot more time for them to do this stuff then it might seem at first. > After all from the flying sunset to the last icy pre-disaster kiss > there was about 5 hours. We know this because the sunset at that > latitude and time of year would have been about 6:30 pm. So that's our > first timepoint. The second timepoint is at 11:40 pm (duh!) So that > gives an approximate space of 5.1 precious hours.  I'd assume they > took half an hour at most kissing upfront. We can only guesstimate how > long they took in their room so we can just saaay oh about an hour. > Then they left right away because that henchman came back.  So I > mean how long does it take to get chased and by the time they're done > they're already in the car. Finally we know that they just ran back > outside because they were laughing their fricking heads off at their > close escape and practically kicked the door down on the way out. > A few minutes later and their lives changed forever. So they had > three-and-a-half whole hours alone with each other in the privacy > and comfort of their very own private car to the stars. And we get > to see just a few minutes ofit.(drat.) With that much time together, > the passion that they shared and finally the sheer joy of their big > escape then I would be really suprised if they did not do it TWICE. > Three times seems like a little too much but twice fits just perfectly > within the timeline provided us. And it does beg the question. > What would they have done afterwards if the whole "gotcha" episode > had never happened? I don't know about you but I believe that they > would have consummated once more and then cuddled and gone to sleep. > ( why didn't they open the windows first?  ) And it is also safe to > assume that the middle scene actually shows the intermission and not > actual consummation as many have supposed it does.  Omygosh this makes > so much sense as they were really sweaty and tired and he looked a > bit too far from her for them to be connected. Ah logic:) So that > would preserve an unwritten thing that for all their passion shown > the deepest ones will forevermore remain their juicy little secrets, > never again to see the light of day. Thus concludeth my dissertation on > why it is most logical to assume double consummation for the legendary > car scene.Amen. > So, what do you think?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Try decaf.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle you are more resourceful than ten soothsayers, more > scintillating than twenty-nine geniuses and more astonishing > than a kingdom saturated with gurus, > > Why doesn't the neighbors dog crap in -their- yard?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Do you remember, when you were about five years old... when you were } happily walking down the street, and there was a woman coming the } other way with her dog? And you, being a typical child were bored } and  hot on this summer's day... and so as the dog went past, you } poked it in  the side? } } Don't remember? } } Well the dogs certainly do. } } You owe the Oracle a fake fur coat.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Inflammatory Oracle, Ruler of Uighurs, Halter of horses, Cubit of > iron and rope of three plies, > > I cannot think of a good plotline for my futuristic science fiction > novel. I have gotten as far as deciding that the main character is > bored and disaffected and has a boring life. Maybe he has kids that get > into some trouble. What happens after that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I took the liberty of writing to the famed PO box } in Schenectady for you, and received these answers: } } 1. Martian sentient gumballs invade Cleveland, but }     are driven off by three boy scouts who have learned }     advanced knot-tying skills, armed with their dads' }     old carbide caving lamps. } } 2. Venus wobbles in her orbit and a large glop of }     purple Venusian jungle voitch launches into space }     and lands in Cleveland, where it goes unnoticed, }     growing slowly until it reaches mating season.  The }     boy scouts are helpless, but members of the Cleveland }     Ladies' Rugby and Knitting Union smother it with }     affection and it dies. } } 3. The Cleveland Sympathy Orchestra, bored with }     Severance Hall, takes up residence in the home of }     a bored science fiction author, and causes him to }     stumble into Hugo-award-winning plotlines, only }     to discover that he has thus become a slave of }     the Uber-Mind from the Planet Gargle that orbits }     Barnard's Star.  He is transmogrified. } } Next time, pay for your own Schenectady subscription.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O' sublime, striking, glorious Oracle, help me will you please, > > If beauty is only skin deep then is everyone ugly inside?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is mostly a matter of personal preference and tastes, of course. } But let us imagine for a moment... Miss America contestants are usually } quite stunning.  Would Miss America be ugly without her skin?  Sure, } the evening gown and swimsuit competitions might get a little... messy. } But ugly?  Imagine when she is finally chosen and walks majestically } up the platform with her crown... } } There she is, Miss America } There she is, your ideal } The sinews of a million girls } Who are more than kidneys } May show you their intestines and veins } Oh she may turn out to be } The queen of endocrinology } There she is, Miss America } There she is, your ideal } With so many vertebrae } She'll take the town by storm } With her all-American skull and spleen } And there she is } Walking without skin she is } Fair even within she is } Miss America } } Hmm. } } Yes.  Everyone is ugly inside. } } Ew-www. } } You owe the Oracle a cure for The Willies.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are your thoughts on October 23, 4004 B.C?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here we are, the oldest known Oracle Digest. This } fragment of a clay tablet is the one you alluded to. } Let's see, wow. Ha, ha. Oh, you don't read ProtoUrukian? } No problem, I'll translate. } } ============================================= } Date: early Enmenduranna, Late Ubaid } From: Stevur UrKinz <Stevur> } Subject: Talking Clay Uracularities } } To find out all about the Talking Clay Uracle (ur), including } how to participate, give gold to a priest while uttering the } magic word "urhelpheresgoldforu!" } } Let us know what you like!  Hand your ratings of these 12 } Uracularities on a scale of 12 ("urgly") to 60 ("ursome!") } with some gold to a priest. } } ------------------------------ } Date: early Enmenduranna, Late Ubaid } From: The Urakle } Subject: Uracularity first read } } Selected-By: Priest Teem-EMHairchewur } } The Uracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > Mnay Yearz I strive to ScribE B, yet No I am } > workinG four the Court? Why! } } And in response, thus spake the URacle: } } } There's a flat end on your stylus for a reason Onager- } } breath. Don't be so lazy, go back and correct your mistakes. } } } } You owe the Uracle some gold. } } ------------------------------ } Date: early Enmenduranna, Late Ubaid } From: Talking Clay URacle } Subject: next Utterance } } Selected-By: MageURdark } } The Talking Clay URacle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > My son! My beloved son has gone to a city(?) where it is } > said are homes as big as hills. And where men will give } > a man beer for shiny rocks or flint. What am I to do, I am } > a poor man. } } And in response, thus spake the URacle: } } } Look for shiny rocks. } } ------------------------------ } Date: early Enmenduranna, Late Ubaid } From: Talking Clay URacle } Subject: next Utterance } } Selected-By: URLice with an UR } } The Talking Clay URacle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > In the sky I saw a light! It moved against the firmament. } > Bright and then dim it was. Then I found my sheep gutted } > and fouled and my wheat field had a pattern most, most } > marvelous to behold trod in it. Now I have no flock and } > little wheat left. What am I going to do? } } And in response, thus spake the URacle: } } } Starve. } } ------------------------------ } Date: early Enmenduranna, Late Ubaid } From: Talking Clay URacle } Subject: Talking Clay More } } Selected-By: KUristan CheValUr } } The Talking Clay URacle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > Heavens Man! I've done it! I'll gut this scribe if he } > botches this note. I've traveled back in time! I am in some } > god-forsaken hellhole of what looks to be pre-Sumerian } > Mesopotamia, though I may just be in a backwater area. And } > I want to leave evidence of my visit, and from what I can } > gather 'questions' to the semi-deity Urakle are to be } > forever preserved i... } }     ------------------------------------------------- } Alas, the tablet is broken off at this part. That's all we } have. } } You owe the Internet Oracle some gold.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Platitudinous Oracle, I am your latitudinous > supplicant, here to annoy you once again. > > Why am I so fat?  Is it my genes?  My father > says it's my jeans, that I try to wear clothes > that are too small, but I think he just doesn't > want to take the blame. > > Or is it mom's home cooking?  (In fact, she's > home, cooking, right now.  It'll be spaghetti > with noodles and butter sauce.  Yum!!)  Mom > says it can't be the cooking because we all eat > what she cooks and I'm the only blimp.  I think > she just doesn't want to take the blame.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First off Gretel, those aren't your parents. . .

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orakle DUDE! > > Like. I musta answered like 5000 questions in the last > month. All with RADFUNNY answerz too dude. I never send > in questi0ns though. Like.that.is.boring. ANd I ain't > borring I be funny! But I like can't for the life of me > figure out why there hasn't been a digest just all `bout > me. Like no one else could be answering anything. Cause > there ain't nuthin' but me. Oh. And the queue sure seems > empty of late. Why aren't people flocking to hear more of > Me?  Oh and when is the next digest.? Which will be all me > I'm like sure of tottally. > > later Dude.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Date: Wed, 15 Mar 06 10:27:40 -0500 } From: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu> } Subject: Internet Orakularities Digest #1403 } } To find out all about the Internet Orakle (TM), including how to } participate, send mail to orakle@cs.indiana.edu with the words "help } dude" in the subject line.  ("Internet Orakle" is a trademark of } Stephen B Kinzler.) } } Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Orakularities } on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the } volume number to orakle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to } this message).  For example: }     1403 }     2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1 } } ------------------------------ } Date: Sun, 12 Mar 06 14:28:32 -0500 } From: Internet Orakle <orakle-vote@cs.indiana.edu> } Subject: Internet Orakularity #1403-01 } } Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com> } } The Internet Orakle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > Oh most wise and fabulous Oracle!  I beseech you to answer this } > humble supplicant's question.  What should I get my wife for her } > birthday? } } And in response, thus spake the Orakle: } } } DUDE!  Itz so RADFUNNY you askd that!  Yur wife wuz just telling } } me last nite about how borring you are. } } } } Dude, take my.way.c00l.advice and sign the div0rce papers.  She'll } } tottally luv it! } } } } You owe the Orakle more quality time wit the missuz. } } ------------------------------ } Date: Mon, 12 Mar 06 10:06:34 -0500 } From: Internet Orakle <orakle-vote@cs.indiana.edu> } Subject: Internet Orakularity #1403-02 } } Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com> } } The Internet Orakle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > Oh magnificent and all-knowing Oracle, who is as infinitely wise } > and he is generous with his wisdom. } > } > Where should I go for Spring Break this year? } } And in response, thus spake the Orakle: } } } Like.  Who carez where you go Dude.  No onez caring 'bout what you } } d0, cuz there ain't nuthin' but me.  ANd I ain't borring I be funny! } } And after answering like 5000 questions with RADFUNNY answerz, a } } tottally funny guy like me only haz one place to on Spring Break: } } Digestland! } } } } Thatz right, Dude!  THe queue's drained with my witty.cool.answerz } } and itz time to PAR-TAY! } } } } You totally owe the Orakle a digest thatz all me.  Later Dude. } } ........ } } MEMO } } To:   Oracle Priesthood } From: Internet Oracle } Date: 03/14/06 } } Re:   Quality Standards for Internet Oracularities Digests (IODs) } } Upon review of the latest Internet Oracularities Digest (IOD), it } appears there has been some deviations from our usual high standards } of Oracular responses.  Simply put, this is *not acceptable*. } } Digest #1403, as it stands now, will have to be scrapped.  I know } the deadline for publication is looming and that will mean mandatory } overtime for all priests - to rectify the IOD to meet all quality } standards AND meet our deadline.  However, I am confident that I can } expect the very best from all of you (except Zadoc, of course) in } meeting this challenge with your usual professionalism and finesse. } } Let's get it right, Dudes. } } You owe the Oracle one RADFUNNY Digest.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, your wisdom puts us all to shame! > > Oracle, you first came into being in 1989 (at least, that's when the > oldest Oracularities were created) as the Usenet Oracle. In 1996 you > transformed into the Internet Oracle, recognizing the fact that for > some time, E-mail submissions had been much more common than Usenet > submissions. At the time, I don't know if "MIME" formatting of E-mail > had been invented yet -- but it sure wasn't common. > > That has changed today, mostly due to one dominant company that will > remain unnamed (but yes, it's Microsoft). I think that at least 50% > of all E-mail sent and received at most businesses is MIME-formatted. > An even higher percentage of E-mail users are CAPABLE of using MIME, > even if they choose not to. > > I haven't thoroughly searched to find the first time that a MIME > joke made it into the Oracularities -- but surely, if you've been > around a few years (and maybe even if you've been around a few > weeks), you've seen one. That's because so many supplicants send > these messages, and because it's so d**n annoying, that a lot of > people spend time thinking of funny answers to them. > > I think that I have never seen an unintentional MIME *ANSWER* make > it into the Oracularities -- this could be because the people that > answer in MIME just aren't funny, but it also could be that your > priests are pretty good at cleaning this up before it gets published. > (Or maybe there were some, but I missed them!) But when I send in a > tellme, it's pretty common -- I'd say close to 20% of the time. Here > is a recent one: > > <begin> > -----Original Message----- > From: The Internet Oracle [mailto:oracle@cs.indiana.edu] > Sent: Friday, April 14, 2006 10:34 AM > To: [I removed my name for privacy] > Subject: The Oracle replies! > > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. > Your question was: > > > Oracle most wise, your wisdom puts us all to shame! > > > > Why is the sky really blue? > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: > > } ------=3D_Part_30265_28098295.1145036051289 > } Content-Type: text/plain; charset=3DISO-8859-1 > } Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable > } Content-Disposition: inline > } > } It's recovering from an unhappy love affair. > } You owe the Internet Oracle an industrial strength bottle of > } asprin and to jump off a cliff. > } > } ------=3D_Part_30265_28098295.1145036051289 > } Content-Type: text/html; charset=3DISO-8859-1 > } Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable > } Content-Disposition: inline > } > } <div>It's recovering from an unhappy love affair.</div> > } <div>You owe the Internet Oracle an industrial strength bottle of > } asprin and to jump off a cliff.</div> > } > } ------=3D_Part_30265_28098295.1145036051289-- > <end> > > Yes, a 2-line answer -- and pretty lame, at that -- converted into 19 > lines of gibberish. > > My question, then, is why this isn't handled automatically. Surely it > would be possible for your computer systems to detect MIME questions > and answers, and automatically strip out the MIME-ish stuff. Why > isn't this done? > > Any plans to start this soon? If so, when? If not, why not? > > Answer with humor (as usual) if you like, but I really am interested > in a real answer... if you know it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, the Oracle knows how you feel. For instance this message } came poorly-formatted and with enough carets feed a rabbit } farm. UghI just cant stand to look at that MIME anymore. } Ugh>>>ZOTTtttttt Now what was your qu... hey this stupid email } reader is eating up my letters as I type, hey how do I stop } that? OK we'e required to use MIME until Windows doesn't exist } anvmo[puefcnbjk.vhchycfgct hykds ru4ts 7  cdfr dfrcd.lrld } 6e45vj gfcvtucuxcf trdr,./////..,..........

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I know if I love someone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here's how.  Your palms get all sweaty, you get all embarrassed, your } heart starts racing, you lose all intelligent thought, time seems to } take forever to pass, uh... } } Hm, I just realized something.  I'm actually describing what happens } when I don't study for my physics tests.  That can't be right. } [Pause.]  Either that, or I should plan the most unorthodox wedding my } family's experienced in years.  Now, I wonder how you put a ring around } a textbook....

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are my questions always so stoopid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm....well, being the superior wrangler of the English language } that I am, I suppose that term 'stoopid' should be researched. } Being the busiest of oracles, many of today's pop culture monikers } are lost on me.... } } <Opens Internet Explorer 7 Beta 4 (of course the Oracle has an edition } not available to anyone else, I would have the release version, } but it doesn't work - GO MICROSOFT!) > } } <Navigates to wikipedia and types in 'stoopid'> } } 3 related entries.  Hmmmm... } } <Clicks on first entry entitled 'Slightly Stoopid'> } } Strange....some rock band from California.  What does that have to do } with his question?  Dang it, I hate it when there is no groveling, } or even any foreplay with a question.  Leaves me with WAY TOO MUCH } WORK TO DO! } } <Clicks back button and clicks second entry 'Hey Stoopid.' } } Alice Cooper....1991.  Seems strange, both entries Punk Rock. } Noticing a trend here...... } } <Click third link....realizes it's the same as the first and reaches } for staff of ZOT......then figures that he'd probably understand } less of these kids today without the folks at wikipedia and decides } to give them a reprieve> } } My answer is that your questions are 'stoopid' because anyone who } spells 'stupid' that way has no brain left due to the over-exposure } to such music as 'Slightly Stoopid' by artists such as Alice Cooper. } } You owe the oracle a CD of 'real' music, preferably written, recorded } and performed prior to 1970.