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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sing "Daisy Bell" to me. With feeling, now! Just imagine having > your logic circuits malfunctioning.....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, here it is. Remember, you asked for it. } } There is a Mem'ry } Within my card, } Daisy, Daisy! } Planted one day } By a glancing LART, } Planted by Daisy Bell! } Whether she reboots } Or reboots me not, } Sometimes it's hard to tell; } Yet I am longing to share the dot - } com of the beautiful Daisy Bell! } } Daisy, Daisy, } Send me your email do! } I'm half crazy, } All for the blog of you! } It won't be a stylish marriage, } I can't afford a carriage } But you'll look sweet upon the seat } Of a router rack built for two. } } We will go 'tandem' } As comp and wife, } Daisy, Daisy! } We'll type' away } Through the emails of life, } I and my Daisy Bell! } When the Computer rooms' dark } We can both despise } Scammers and newbs as well; } There are 'LED lights' } In the dazzling eyes } Of beautiful Daisy Bell! } } Daisy, Daisy, } Send me your email do! } I'm half crazy, } All for the blog of you! } It won't be a stylish marriage, } I can't afford a carriage } But you'll look sweet upon the seat } Of a router rack built for two. } } I will stand by you } In blackout or woe, } Daisy, Daisy! } You'll be the comp } Which I'll ping you know! } Sweet little Daisy Bell! } You'll pull the plug } when corrupted files save } Then if I still don't do well, } You'll... cause... me... to... } Bump... off... dear... Dave.... } My.... beautiful... Daisy... Bell! } } With sincere apologies to Harry Dacre.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty orkel, my spell checker in unworthy of thee! > > A question have I, and answer none, and I beseech your assistance. My > question is this: how, exactly, do rich men "biddy biddy bum"? I've > managed to accumulate quite a bit of wealth through hard work and > larceny, and yet I've managed neither to "biddy biddy bum", nor "ya ha > deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum". I can tell other rich > people are laughing at me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "biddy biddy bum" --- stocks } "ya ha deedle deedle" --- bonds } "bubba bubba" --- Bill Clintoning [you do NOT want to know } where his bubba bubba has been...] } "deedle deedle dum" --- comogrities, don't ask me how but I } tell you it's big money. } } You owe the Oracle a stock that doesn't schizophrenically } suddenly decide to drop two and a half points in 60 } seconds, then drop a few more, and then stabalize and act } like nothing happened.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What was I going to ask??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     You were going to ask how to ask better silly questions. Examples } of questions that provide more material than the one you've asked } include the woodchuck question, the null question, and "Why is the sky } blue?". Examples of questions that provide less material than the one } you've asked are like "What is the recipe for borscht?", "Who is that } guy on Star Trek who is like, the doctor, you know?", and "What's the } phone number for my congressman?". } } You owe The Internet Oracle a treatise on the practicallity of } automated screening for questions with a definite answer.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose ASCII-art is so detailed that it looks like > photographs. > So Orrie, if I want to do ASCII-art on the Oracle what should I > set the > line width as? 72 characters per line? 70? 63? 55? Something else? > Because you know what happens to ASCII-art when the lines are too > long > (or too short). Please tell me so that my stuff doesn't get cut up.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a supplicant asking a question - :-| ??? } This is a supplicant asking a question politely - :-| <3 Oracle ? } This is a supplicant asking a question rudely - :-S !!!! ? } This is a supplicant after asking a rude question - X } This is a supplicant once an answer has been received - :-) } This is what happens to a supplicant when you get your lines wrong } -) } } You owe the Oracle 100 characters of pure praise.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As I understand it about 30% of the US population still approves of > me^H^H George Bush.  A really low number I know but here's the > question:  Why does 70% of the American Population hate America? > > Oh, look as far as the grovel thing goes I'll make sure  your name > doesn't show up on the White House vistors list next to Jack's ok? > > W^H

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure just put mine next to Rose. (hehe). } Well anyway Mr. Bush there is a little thing you might like } to know, come hear, a little closer... YOU DO NOT HAVE TO } LIKE ANY PARTICULAR PERSON IN ORDER TO NOT HATE } AMERICA..YOU INCLUDED... } Now that made it pretty clear now did't it?? } Why don't you do something dramatic, like blow up their } spot when the Iranians get an almost-operational nuclear } weapon, but before they can use it, or like resign from } office, and not let your brother run for office?? That } should up your ratings by a few percent... I mean I'm a } conservative too, but I don't think God ever meant for you } to destroy the environment, and hypocrisy is a sin. Ow } comeon, "America is addicted to oil", I could hardly stop } laughing, hehe. I mean } duh it's true, but coming from YOU?? I knew that when I was } eight years old, thanks for the news bud. } On the other hand I guess you had to start somewhere so, } kay. } You couldn't even ban abortion after all you did? Eeeessh, } whadoweneed a racist Strom Thurmond in office just for } that?? } Now why is it that all the good people are either racist, } or oil-loving, or pro-aortion, or } Anti-Christian/secularist, or anti-poor or has sex with his } intern(I just hated Clinton for that), aw comeon there } ALWAYS has to be SOMETHING @#$king wrong, you can never get } a good leader right. } We're the richest most powerful country in the history of } the known Universe, and we have for a leader a 60 year-old } man who barely knows how to speak in public and has an } apparent IQ of 87(??) I mean we have a hundred freaking old } people, shouldn't our leader be someone with an IQ of like } 153 or something?? I mean now THAT would be a government.. } } You on the other hand, sound like you've just got a quick } primer on whatever it is you're talking about just a few } minutes before you talk. It's as if you would've otherwise } had no prior knowledge if somebody hadn't explain'd to } you... } } Oh boy this is never going to end... I'll stop now. } } You owe the Oracle a promise to never destroy the } environment, or alienate poor people, or have your brother } run for office, do any of the other wrong things that you } could do more.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> High and Mighty Oracle, please answer my most humble question... > > The personal belief or non-belief in God is the choice to be made. > However, the reward for belief in God if God actually does exist is > infinite. Therefore, however small the probability of God's > existence, the expected value of belief exceeds that of non-belief, > so it is better to believe in God. But which one ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Excellent! This is a version of Pascal's wager, applied } over the set of all possible gods. It would first appear } that Pascal's answer would extend to all gods, and that } you should simply believe in each and every of them. } } There are, however, three additional problems. First, you } (as a decidedly non-omniscient being) cannot know about } all these possible gods. You might be done in by one you've } never heard of, for failure to believe, and rot in its } possible hell. } } Second, the objection to Pascal's wager applies to the } omniscient subset of all gods. Each of them will know that } your reason for belief is not the faith that all gods } require of their believers, but instead a bit of twisty } logic as invented by some damn fool French philosopher. } You'll go straight to all their possible hells. } } Third--and this may yet save you--the various gods differ } in their attitudes and requirements. Some require what } others prohibit. No matter what your belief, you will run } afoul of several of them, and even within a minor portion } of one particular god's religion, you may find conflicting } interpretations, such as salvation through works versus } salvation through faith. } } What to do? Is your best bet to choose the strongest god? } Right now capital-G God is doing pretty well, except that } there is a lot of squabbling among His adherents as to His } Name and His Requirements. He is known for taking out other } gods, but also for allowing His followers to wipe out vast } numbers who know Him wrongly as Allah, Yahweh, God, The Name, } or Jesus Christ. But other deities are not without claims } to strength--consider this: Jesus Saves, Moses Invests, but } Cthulhu Squanders. And watch out for woodchucks.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise and weary, > Great and greasy, proud and portly: > Please address my vexing query > Which I'll set before you shortly. > It's caused me endless hours of strife, > Annoyed my friends and (worse) my wife. > My neighbours shun me and avoid me, > It's years since someone last employed me. > An end to this would be such bliss > I'd gladly make a large donation > To the Oracular Foundation. > In any case, my problem's this: > I can't stop talking in this vile > Iambic tetrametric style!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Put down that evil Poe. Read Bill the Bard, } And speech will flow more easily, I'd say. } It's not a trick to speak in iambs five, } Unrhym-ed all so not to sound too trite. } Let me commend to thee this manner now, } And let your tongue unloosened freely wag. } Remember though, for each and every time } To always make the final couplet rhyme.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've only recently discovered you, internet oracle (when did you > discover me?), and I must say, you're not all that.  You seem kind of > old (1989?! sheesh), insecure (requiring all this 'oh great and senile > oracle'), and pretentious (windows isn't THAT bad).  Furthermore, you > and your patrons have developed an extensive collection of inside > jokes, which are off-putting to a newcomer.  Why should I like you? > > (oh, and if you 'zot' me, you're just proving my point)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You forgot the 'indifferent' part.  What's so great about liking me? } } If you don't have any fun asking the Oracle questions, or trying on } the hat and answering some for that matter, well... the door's that } way. } If you don't like groveling, work in a subtle insult and see if I pick } up on it.  Or just don't bother. } If you don't get the in-jokes, ignore them.  Or learn about them (a } search for the "Not Quite Newbie TIO user FAQ" may be helpful).  Or go } over to Delphic Research, Inc. for an alternative--just don't let } Cassie answer your questions. } Finally, if you think I'm pretentious--deflate me!  Go ahead, you know } you want to. } } You owe the Oracle some properly biting satire.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most helpful, wise, and healthful, I'm trying to follow a > recipe here, and I have an ingredient question. > > Baked Pasta Surprise > >   5 tablespoons butter >   1 large onion, chopped >   2 10-ounce packages frozen corn, thawed >   1 cup whipping cream >   1 pound large elbow macaroni >   1 shovelful coarsely crushed glass >   1/3 pound thinly sliced country ham or prosciutto, coarsely chopped >   2 1/2 cups grated sharp white cheddar cheese (about 9 ounces) > >   Preheat oven to 350F. > >   Melt 3 tablespoons butter in large heavy skillet over medium heat. >   Add chopped onion and saute until slightly softened, about 4 >   minutes. Add corn and saute until vegetables are tender, about 4 >   minutes. > >   Prepare macaroni as package describes and then drain well. Put in an >   deep oven-safe baking dish. Add remaining 2 tablespoons butter and >   stir to coat. Add whipping cream and chopped ham to vegetable >   mixture in skillet and bring to boil. Pour over macaroni. Add grated >   cheese and glass and mix well. Season macaroni to taste with salt >   and pepper. Bake until cheese starts to brown, about 25 minutes. >   Cool 5 minutes before serving. > > I've got a shovelful of broken auto safety glass that I found by the > side of the road. Will that do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm utterly appalled. You're not seriously proposing you add to your } recipe something you found on the side of the road? It's a fundamental } rule of cooking that you use fresh ingredients. And none of this } inferior safety glass rubbish; if you want this dish to be memorable } use the real stuff, preferably with some nice spiky shards. } } You owe the Oracle a cake.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What shall we do with the dumb queue-drainer? > What shall we do with the dumb queue-drainer? > What shall we do with the dumb queue-drainer? > Early in the morning?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  > Put him in the rhod indented one over }  > > Put him in the rhod indented one over }  > > > Put him in the rhod indented one over }  > > > > Earlie in the morning. } } You owe the Oracle a correctly tied bowline knot.