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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So I hear that Kelsey Grammer is supposed to play the Beast in the > next Xmen movie - is it true that all they did was dye his body hair > blue?  And does the guy who played Niles have a role in the movie?  I > really liked him.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Answers to all the world's woes are here, darn near } free for the taking. And what matters weigh heavy on } the minds of mankind? Movie gossip! Okay, fine. } } Hollywood is all a titter over PETER JACKSON's newest } /hush hush/ project tentatively titled "The Big Blabbering } 'O'" This /super secret/ film supposed rips the robe } off the private workings of, you heard it here first, THE } INTERNET ORACLE. The Project, originally slated to be shot } in CANADA by cult maven BRYAN FULLER who's life is being } ruined by the ghosts conjured up for the unreleased final } episode of WONDERFALLS was snatched up by the losing weight } due to cancer PETER JACKSON at the behest of women's underwear } wearing IAN MCKELLAN's new boy toy GAEL GARCIA BERNAL who } recently sent to a orphanage in PERU his love child by sex } addict NANCY CARTWRIGHT. Our /exclusive sneak peek/ casting } list show the following /wow wow wow/ actors are involved: } }            The Oracle: JACK BLACK }                 Zadoc: BRAD DOURIF }                  Lisa: LAURA HARRIS }                    OG: DWAYNE DOUGLAS JOHNSON }                Kendai: BRAD PITT }           The Kinzler: Himself }   Priestess Chevalier: PARIS HILTON }     Priestess Al'y'ce: ANGELINA JOLIE }  Priestess Paul Kelly: LARRY WACHOWSKI }       Preist Tim Chew: CARROT TOP } } Talk about verisimilitude!!! } } That's all for now, baby! } } Ciao! } } You owe the Oracle some mouthwash.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> And can I teach him how to walk on walls, and ceilings too?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, ma'am. Your new husband can be trained to lower the toilet seat, } and maybe to take out the trash once in a while, but anti-gravitic } feats are beyond his ability. } } However, please be aware that he is available for reprogramming of } certain circuits if you just befriend and manipulate his mother. } } Enjoy your new marriage!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm tired of asking questions.  We all know the Oracle is great. > Just tell me what I owe you and we can get on with our lives.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You owe the Oracle a question.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hallo, Orrie. It is I, Elizabeth, Queen of England > and all that. Just celebrated my 80th birthday, as you > already know. > > I was wondering if you could do a slight favour for me, > and please keep this request and your response to it > totally quiet. We cannot have any bad stuff get out; > there is certainly enough already. > > I would prefer not to have to see Camilla. It would be > very convenient if you could subtly arrange things so > that when Charles comes to visit me, his wife somehow > cannot come along. Or if she does, that she decides to > remain outside in the motor car. Also, at public > functions where she and I must both attend, arrange > for her to be kept out of my eyesight. > > Thank you for your kindness, > > ER

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Liz, } Belated birthday greetings.  Eighty - a mere babe!  (Speaking of you } as a babe, have I ever mentioned how much I love your image on the } Columbia Pictures logo?  Our little secret, of course.) } } The surest way for me to prevent your ever having to see Camilla would } be to blind you, but that could have undesirable side effects. } } If you could somehow persuade her, as a little favour to you, to submit } a question to me about a certain large ground squirrel, I would have } an excuse to instantly and completely rid you of this problem. } However, it's unlikely you could pull that off without arousing her } suspicion. } } I think our best approach is to introduce into Camilla's life a } charming man with great discretion, to distract her from Charles.  Now } that Camilla's place is established-after thirty years-gods, but that } woman is persistent!-she can relax.  A torrid affair with someone } handsome, powerful, and dashing would give Camilla an excuse to let } Charles go see you alone, reminding him sweetly of how unfond of her } you are.  This would make her appear considerate and self-sacrificing } while actually giving her the opportunity to carry on with her new } lover.  So, who's handsome, powerful, dashing, and willing to have an } affair with a plain but sensual woman?  Hmmm.  I think I know just the } man. } } You owe The Oracle an introduction to Prince Charles' wife, and under } just the right circumstances, if you get my drift.  Anything for the } Queen of England!  Ta!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Most Ironically Logical and Logically Ironic Oracle, > > How can one apply Hofstadter's Law for an accurate estimate of project > completion time?  Recursion doesn't seem to help.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's simple: make the time required for the project infinite. That } way, no matter how much time it takes to complete, you will always } meet the deadline with copious (yea, infinite) amounts of time to } spare--if, in fact, you finish the project. When your superiors see } what an efficient job you've done, they will promote you. If this } doesn't work, blame Murphy's Law. } } You owe the Oracle a pay raise.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and powerful Internet Oracle, who was around even before > Internet, > > How can I send an e-mail message in something other than MIME > format, in order to rid the message of confusing clutter?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *The Oracle appears from backstage, wearing black pants, a striped } shirt, white face paint, and a beret.* } } *He squats down, as though sitting on a chair.* } } *Stretching his fingers for a moment, he hold his hand out before him } and wiggles them as though typing.* } } *His right hand reaches over to the side, and seems to curl around a } small round object, perhaps with an invisible rolling ball or } imaginary red laser in its bottom. He hurls the unseen object away } from him in disgust.* } } *Returning to typing, he stretches the fingers of his left hand apart } repeatedly, as though reaching for uncomfortable emacs meta key } combinations* } } *Smiling with satisfaction, he taps his finger on a final imaginary } key, stands, bows, and returns backstage.* } } You owe the Oracle a new copy of pine and a baguette.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "People's Republic of China" > > "Democratic People's Republic of Korea" > > "Democratic Republic of Germany" > > "Democratic People's Republic of Congo" > > "National Democratic Ultimate Supreme Soviet Socialist People's > Republic Motherlaand LoveCountry of the People's Republic of North > Nistritaria!!!" > > -------------------------------------------------------- > Aw comeon, who are they kidding?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ORACLE DECLARES SELF "PRESIDENT OF ORRIESTAN" } --------------------------------------------- } Bloomington, IN (AP) - The Internet Oracle, an Internet entity based at } the University of Indiana, today declared independence from the United } States, naming himself President of the United People's Federal } Democratic Republic Commonwealth State of Orriestan. } } Zadoc Worm, who introduced himself as the Prime Minister of Orriestan, } explained the situation at a press conference held in a building on the } university campus named the "Oracular Temple". } } "For the past seventeen years, the most brilliant and wise Oracle has } been giving advice to people around the globe. In exchange for his } invaluable services, his subjects have sent him a considerable wealth } in tribute. Recently, the level of tribute has been sufficient to allow } the Oracle to form his own nation, so I am delighted to announce the } foundation of the United People's Federal Democratic Republic } Commonwealth State of Orriestan." } } While Prime Minister Worm would not go into specifics, he stated that } Orriestan claimed over 40,000 subjects, or "supplicants" worldwide. The } country's territory consisted of the Oracular Temple, plus various } unnamed pieces of land around the world, which had been gifted to the } Oracle in payment for his answers. } } Worm also clarified why the Oracle had not attended the press } conference himself. "He felt the conference would go much more smoothly } without the need for every question to be preceded by a prolonged } period of groveling, and succeeded by a demand for tribute." } } Orriestan has already opened relations with Sealand. Ambassador Og } Ogsson has been sent there to "keep him out of our hair for a while." } } Worm stressed that Orriestan was capable of defending itself against } military action. "We're not worried. The Staff of Zot will obliterate } anyone who tries to invade." He dismissed concerns that US President } Bush would attack over this weapon of mass destruction. "Dubya couldn't } even sell an invasion of a real country. How do you think he's going to } explain invading a fictional one?"

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Oracle's words fall like a nocturnal bird of prey among us, > snatching glimpse of understanding from our feeble utterances, > carrying them back to his nest where he digests them. O great > producer of Pellets of Wisdom, share a bit of Truth with me, I > beseech you! > > Will I end up on jury duty again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You enter the Pearly gates. On God's left hand side sits St Peter, who } welcomes you. On God's right hand side sits Jesus, and on his face you } can see infinite sorrow and compassion. On top of God sits the Oracle. } } > PETER: Welcome, gentle soul, to the gates of Heaven. Here you will } be judged.  Repent now, or be damned forever. } } > JESUS: Now, don't be so cruel, Pete, for Pete's sake. Do not worry, } gentle soul, for the first shall be last and the last shall be first. } You are safe here. } } > ORACLE: Now, wait a minute, I am the one who decides here, and I } decide I'm first! } } > GOD: What? I thought I was the one whmmmph!!!! Mmphh!!!! } } > ORACLE: Better..... } } > YOU: I...I....Am I dead? What's happening? } } > ORACLE: No, you are not dead, you grovelled correctly and therefore } you shall live a few years more. But this is what will happen when } you die. It's a sneak peek. } } > PETER: What? But that's completely against the rules!!! } } > ORACLE: Again, who makes the rules? Mmh? } } > PETER: You..... grmmbllblb.... } } > YOU: So, ehm, Oh mighty Oracle, Am I being judged? } } > JESUS: You are, and we are the jury. } } > PETER: Well, when I signed up for this, there was no mention of a } skinny-looking, pale-skinned glass-wearing "Oracle" sitting on top } of God and making up rules!!! } } > ORACLE: Are you questioning my authority, Peter? } } > JESUS: Calm down Peter, he's the one who's the Boss now. Sorry..... } } > PETER: Yeah, how come he's the Boss? Wasn't the bearded guy good } enough? } } > GOD: MMpph!!!!!!! } } > JESUS: He has the staff. He who has the staff, we shall obey. } } > YOU: Wait, I feel I'm in the middle of some theological debate I'm } not sure I want to get involved into here..... } } > PETER: No, you stay here! You'll be witness! You, Oracle, what does } this staff do anyway? I wanna see! } } > ORACLE: Sure? } } > PETER: Yeah! } } > ORACLE: Well, there it is. *ZOT* } } > JESUS: YOU KILLED PETER! YOU BASTARD! } } > YOU: I never asked for this! Why I am here!!!! } } > ORACLE: Yes you asked. By sending in a question, you agree to } receive the answer. } } > YOU: What does killing Peter at the Pearly gates have to do with } jury duty?!?!?! } } > ORACLE: Well, now that there's an opening.....You owe the Oracle } jury duty at the pearly gates. For eternity.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, whose toenails I am not worthy to clip, why does > my brain feel like it's on fire?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Global warming. } } You see, burning stuff in itself in not a bad thing, it's part of the } carbon cycle. The problem is when you're burning fossil fuels, then } you add carbon to the atmosphere that was trapped underground before. } The trick is to burn stuff that originally got its carbon from the } atmosphere such as to keep the cycle closed. Ethanol from corn is } not a bad idea, but it's expensive, and the reason it's expensive is } that it's boring to grow. You have to till the land, plant the seeds, } take care of the plants, harvest them, and then you have to start again } next year. Plus, you have to live in Iowa. Drilling oil, in comparison, } is fun: you dig a hole, then you pop open a beer and watch the money } flow to your pocket for the next fifty years. Some people figured } that the best way to create a cheap source of clean fuel was to find } something that people enjoy doing, and actually will do for free, } and that has a carbon-based result. The answer is obvious: babies. } People enjoy making babies (note I said MAKING, not HAVING, but the } result is the same). Of course, they then let them grow a few years, } so that they accumulate carbon, and at some point combustion starts } (typically in the brain, but that's coincidental) and the heat is } used to run a electricity plant. } } Thank you for saving the planet.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wise Oracle, help this simple-minded fool understand > this trivial mystery. If Dec and Oct are prefixes meaning 10 and 8 why > is December and October the 12th and 10th months?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The month names we use now, December, July and such are Roman } in origin. The Romans started the year in March, which makes } sense. Spring and all that. They also started the year then } because it was the time to start war campaigns, it gave you } the maximum number of days to fight before winter started. So } March is named after Mars, god of wars, and to 'March' is to } go to war. Seven months after that is 'Sept' the seventh month, } 'Oct' the 8th, 'Nov' 9, 'Dec' 10th. December was the scary month, } dark with short days, the sun seemed to be dying. And so on } Dec 25 the death of Darkness was celebrated, as by then the days } seem to be lengthening. But in March all was well as the sun came } back to life. And the celebrated it as the renewed birthday of } the undying sun. } } But when Rome turned it's back on the elder gods and went } with the new kid, they flipped it around and made the death } of darkness day the birthday celebration and the birth of the } sun the death day. And so they shifted the start of the year } to the end of Dec, and never bothered to change the names. } } You owe the Oracle a calendar of naked river nymphs. } } What? Oh, yeah. Funny, need to add something funny, } something pertinent, hmm. . . } } Q: Who was the goddess of night? } A: Nox. } Q: Who? } A: Nox? } Q: Who? } A: NOX! NOX! } Q: Who's there? } } Q: Who's Jupiter's Wife? } A: Juno. } Q: No, that's why I asked. } } Huh? OK, one more. } } The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek } god of wine, had thrown a party for a pair of visiting } Roman deities -- Ceres, the goddess of agriculture, } and Janus, the two-faced god of doors and beginnings. } } Everyone over did it, more or less. Ceres at one point } was staggering and turning in circles; Janus, equally } submerged, was trying to dance with her. Bacchus feared } that the pair might fall over, so he went to steady } them. This marked the first time that a whirled Ceres } was held with a double-header. } } Get it? Whirled Ceres? Double... oh forget it. Sheesh.