} mmmmmm. Oh, yeah...that's it. Yes right there. Oh yes yes Yes YES
} What? Where? Oh, DAMN! No, I have to take it now - it says so in my
} contract. OK, just hold that position and I'll try to make this as
} quick as possible.
} ALL RIGHT, HOSEHEAD, so you want to mess with the phone company, eh?
} Did it occur to you that this message is probably being brought to you
} courtesy of the phone company? That the bits which make up this here
} message were probably transmitted over phone-company leased data lines,
} through phone-company switching equipment?
} Message from email@example.com on console at 23:39 ...
} All right, oracle...just because this poor naive prankster happened to
} catch you at an inoportune moment with Lis....hey, what have we here?
} That's not Lisa! Say, Oracle, who's your friend? Aren't you going to
} introduce me? Oh, by the way, does Lisa know about this? Y'know, it's
} been a while since I talked to Lisa...I think I'll give her a call right
} now and see how things are going.
} %write kinzler
} Uh, heh heh, just take it easy there, Steve...uh, I mean Mr. Kinzler,
} Sir. No need to uh, disturb Lisa at this hour. Besides, I was done
} with the harassment. I *really* was going to answer the question right
} away! OK?
} Well, since you put it that way, I suppose it is rather late, and Lisa
} is probably busy right now anyhow...I wouldn't want to disturb her in
} the middle of something - that's SOO annoying, you know? All right
} then, go ahead. But I'm getting tired of having to intervene like this;
} you'd better watch yourself.
} damn it, I hate it when he's smug.
} So, you want to mess up the phone company, eh?
} OK, one thing you might consider is sending them a dead gopher with your
} bill. I hear Harlan Ellison once did tried something similar on an
} unresponsive publisher (something about the publisher putting cigarette
} ads in the middle of Ellison's book in violation of the contract, as I
} recall) and the results were most gratifying. Send it fourth class, and
} make sure the box is *very* well sealed.
} Of course, this will only serve to "mess up" the billing department. I
} sense you are looking for something on a more global scale.
} This one's guaranteed to be effective. First, buy a radio station. Get
} it way up in the ratings by playing all the great new music, but not too
} often. The Oracle hates it when the radio stations play the same song
} over and over and over. Then, announce a cash give-away - five hundred
} dollars to the 98th caller (or whatever your frequency is - if you're at
} 102.1, give away to the 102nd caller) Do this every day for a week.
} Pick a different time for each call, but MAKE SURE it's during business
} The flood of incoming calls, at a sustained level will swamp the local
} phone switching office...if your station coverage is large enough and
} you are near a state border, you might even generate some inter-state
} traffic. Tell the long-distance callers to call collect! That'll max
} out the time spent on operator assistance. Remember that for every call
} that actually makes it through, there will be dozens or even hundreds
} trying and getting a busy-signal.
} Every time you run one of these give-away's, you will bring the local
} switching office, as well as all the near-by offices, to their knees!
} However, the Oracle's all-time favorite blitz on the phone company has
} to be one back a few years ago when a Berkeley fellow was disconnected
} for not paying his bill...only, he had the cancelled check that showed
} he *had* paid his bill on time. After being run around in circles by
} the local billing office, he was told "Certainly we will reconnect you.
} Please pay a reconnect charge of $43.91."
} Furious at his mistreatment, but in desperate need of a phone at the
} time, he paid the reconnect fee, then entered a suit against the phone
} company in small claims court for the cost of the reconnection. The
} phone company lawyers didn't take it seriously, and no one showed up on
} behalf of the phone company, so a default judgement was entered in favor
} of the plaintiff, and the Pacific Bell was ordered to pay damages of
} After trying repeatedly (but unsuccessfully) to collect, he posted a
} lien against the main Pacific Bell office building, said building to be
} sold at public auction, and the proceeds to go toward repayment of the
} Apparently, the Pacific Bell folks thought this was all a gag, and they
} didn't do anything about the lien or the auction. In fact, our hero was
} the only one present. He bought the building for $43.91, which
} cancelled his debt and left him sole owner of the Pacific Bell office
} Suddenly, Pacific Bell was only too eager to respond to this guy's
} complaint. Sad thing is, he let them off for only the cost of the
} original reconnect fee.
} You owe the Oracle a WATS line. Now get lost, I have other things to