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} That Jaunting, Haunting Computer Noise
} by The Internet Oracle [Incarnated as AllanW]
} [Sung to the tune of: Lemon Cupcake, by Moon Sex Junkies,
} with apologies to Snookums]
}
} Joy! O Joy! The package arrives at last.
} This is the fastest version ever made!
} In 90 minutes, it will be in, and ready to use!
} It ought to be fun!
}
} Such a huge box, but mostly it's just paper,
} And stickers, and cellophane, and... one disc.
} One lonely disc, yes,
} One lonely disc.
}
} Stick it in the drive and close it up,
} Let the computer boot...
} Still booting...
} Still booting...
} Still booting...
} Still booting...
}
} What's this? At last! It's actually started!
} Wow, look at that logo, this is going to be great!
} Wipe out the partition, new install, now it's formatting...
} Still formatting...
} Still formatting...
} Still formatting...
}
} At last! It's copying! Soon the system will be mine!
} O boy, this is so exciting!
} Still copying...
} Still copying...
} Wow, that's a lot of copying...
} Still copying...
}
} [Drum solo here...]
}
} Fell asleep... had some strange dreams...
} Disks spinning, fans fanning, softly whirring,
} The noise, always the noise...
} I drooled on my shirt.
}
} What was that? A beep! I heard a beep!
} But it's still copying... did it really beep?
} Still copying...
} Still copying...
} Wow, that's a lot of copying...
} Still copying...
}
} Another noise! That time it was definitely a beep!
} The screen is blank! Oh no, what went wrong?
} Must keep my cool, read the manual...
} Oh, it's just rebooting, that's normal...
} Ah, a pretty new screen:
}
} Windows is setting up the programs directory.
} Setup will be finished in about
} 43 minutes.
}
} That's a long time... but the excitement is building...
} Feel it running through my veins,
} As I drift back to sleep.
} More strange dreams... again with the whirring...
}
} [Drum solo here...]
}
} What was that? My neck hurts.
} I've been asleep so long, so very long.
} The screen, it's asking me a question.
} Oh no! I've been asleep for two hours!
} Put my glasses back on...
}
} Please enter the serial number
} to continue setting up Windows
}
} The serial number?
} Why are there so many boxes to type in?
} It says the number is on the back of an envelope.
} Or was that the Gettysburg Address? Am I Lincoln?
} I smile at my private joke.
} But where did I put that damn envelope?
}
} Look in the box...
} Look in the drawer...
} Look under the desk...
} Look in the box again...
} Could it be in the trash?
} Ah! It's under the chair, I rolled on it.
}
} Is that a Q, or an O, or a 0?
} There isn't enough light in here!
} Where are my glasses!
} Why is this number so long?
}
} It won't take? I must have done a digit wrong.
} Maybe that was a 1, instead of an L.
} Black letters on dark-yellow paper,
} Are they trying to make this difficult?
}
} It worked! It finally worked!
} I must have done it right.
} I'm hungry, but I'm making progress
} And now I am rewarded,
} A new message appears:
}
} Windows is setting up the programs directory.
} Setup will be finished in about
} 42 minutes.
}
} 42 minutes? That's what it said 3 hours ago!
} Will this never end?
} Is that fan getting louder?
} The system is telling me how much
} Faster it is going to work...
} I've been here 4 hours now!
}
} The fan noise is driving me crazy!
} My leg hurts... Why am I sitting in the dark,
} On a chair that hurts my back?
} Is there any aspirin?
}
} At last! Choose user names...
} Boy, I hope I remember these later...
} That would be embarrassing...
} No, I'd have to re-install it all over again...
} That would be painful, my leg still hurts.
} Better write down the password.
}
} Wait! It only asked for one password!
} Do they all have the same password?
} What if it makes up its own passwords?
} How will I be able to log in?
} Am I falling asleep again?
} Am I falling asleep again?
}
} [Drum solo here...]
}
} A beep again! It's rebooting again.
} Gee, it does that a lot.
} Starting windows for the first time...
} As if the last 6 hours doesn't count?
} As if the last 6 hours doesn't count?
} As if the last 6 hours doesn't count?
}
} Music! It's too loud!
} I want to turn down the volume...
} But I haven't even logged in yet...
} Can I rip out the damn speakers?
} They must think this is cute,
} But it hurts my ears.
}
} Activate? What does this mean? Different than register...
} But I need an Internet Connection...
} Which means I need to install the network driver...
} Which means I have to log in first...
} Which means I need to finish installing first...
} Where's that stupid manual?
}
} Look in the box...
} Look in the drawer...
} Wait! Maybe it's under the chair?
} No, so look under the desk...
} Look in the box again...
} Ah! It's in the trash!
}
} Congratulations... yeah...
} Support number... $28 per incident... no, I'll skip that.
} Warrantee... Reasons to register...
} Ah, here it is... if you don't register right away,
} You have 1 week... Ah, just click "Skip it."
} That damn music finally shuts off.
}
} Finally got the welcome screen.
} Click on a User ID...
} Oh! It didn't ask for any password.
} Well, that was stupid. Why did I pick a password?
} And what's the point of multiple user IDs,
} If you can just click on one to log in?
}
} Wow, look at all those icons.
} So many reminders.
} It wants me to update,
} But I'm still not on the Internet.
} And look, the date and time are way off!
} Better fix it now.
}
} But other than that,
} It looks just like the old system...
} What was the point of that?
} What was the point of the upgrade?
}
} Where was that driver disk?
} Look in the drawer...
} It was supposed to be in the drawer...
} My leg still hurts...
} Oh, here it is, I took it out of the drawer...
} Put it in now.
}
} Install as Administrator?
} Sure, why not?
} Oh, NOW I need the password.
} What's the password? I wrote it down...
} Damn, I hate little pieces of paper!
} Here it is, in the drawer.
}
} What's this error message?
} Not designed for this version of Windows?
} It tells me to download a new version.
} I can download a new version for free,
} But not until I connect to the Internet,
} Which means I need to install this first, but I can't...
}
} Is there a gun nearby?
} I want to shoot this computer!
} No, just kidding...
} Even though my leg hurts...
}
} I just need to drive to my friend's house,
} And use his computer
} To download the driver
} And copy it to a disk
} And drive back here
} To install it.
}
} Ow, my leg hurts.
} My friend isn't home.
} I'll have to come back tomorrow!
} This install is supposed to take 90 minutes.
} I've been at it for 7 hours,
} And I won't be able to finish it today.
}
} But wait! I can go to Kinko's.
} Ten cents a minute.
} Even if it takes me 10 minutes,
} That's still only a buck.
} I can do this,
} I can do this,
}
} [Drum solo here...]
}
} The download takes me 20 minutes,
} But the computer doesn't have a CD-burner.
} I need to buy a memory stick.
} $45, no problem.
}
} I've been working for almost 8 hours,
} I'm getting hungry!
} I stop for food.
} But I spent $45 for that stupid memory stick.
} All I have left
} Is enough for a pack of gum.
}
} Back at the computer.
} Where do I stick the memory stick? There's no front-panel USB!
} Ah, but there's one in the back.
} Wish I had a USB extension cord.
} It's hard to see back here... But I think I got it in.
} Yes, I heard the sound.
}
} But it needs to install a driver
} For the memory stick!
} Which means I need the Windows install CD again!
} Where did I put that?
} Oh no, not again...
} Wait! It's here, in the drawer.
}
} Whew! It sees the memory stick.
} Hooray! The network driver setup is running.
} Another error message?
} No, just a warning... Not logo-certified...
} Who the heck cares? I just need it to work!
} Yes, install anyway!
}
} It needs to reboot again.
} I wish I had $1 for every time I reboot.
} I'd have... well; I'd only have $100,
} But that's a lot of booting, and I could buy lunch.
} As soon as this install is finished,
} I can go home and take a pain pill.
}
} What's this? Past the expiration date?
} Need to activate?
} That's what I plan to do,
} But first I need to set up the new network.
} But I need to log in first.
} And I can't do that until I activate.
}
} DAMN YOU MICROSOFT!
} Did they do this on purpose? What do they want from me?
} I'd be happy to activate, but I need to log in first!
} It's supposed to work for a week...
} Oh no... I changed the date...
} It thinks it's been years...
}
} All I need to do is put the date back
} To what it was before.
} But I need to log in to do that!
} Don't I?
}
} No! I can go to BIOS.
} Shut down the computer...
} Don't really need to do that, it didn't start up...
} Just shut off the power...
} Go to BIOS...
} Change the date...
}
} What was it before?
} I need to have it the same as before.
} I don't remember what the wrong date was,
} Just that it was wrong.
} Take a guess. That might work...
} Boot again...
}
} DAMN YOU MICROSOFT!
} If only there was some way to activate
} Without being connected to the Internet...
} I weep, I weep.
}
} [Drum solo here...]
}
} Wait, what does this say?
} There's an 800-number? I'll dial it.
} Hard to see in the dark,
} I hope I don't get some sex line,
}
} Oh, it's them...
} I'll punch in all the numbers...
} Wow, that's a lot to write down...
} Punch it into the computer...
}
} Hooray, it works!
} I finally logged in,
} The network is configured, and it even works!
} Now I get to do the Windows Update!
}
} Service Pack 2
} Wow, that was faster than I thought it would be.
} Oh, wait, all I downloaded so far
} Was a program that does the real download.
} 1%? 2%?
} This is going to take hours!
}
} [Drum solo here...]
}
} I wake up again, my neck hurts even worse.
} But the download is almost complete, my heart fills with joy...
} 98%... Still 98%... Still 98%...
} 99%... Still 99%... Still 99%...
} 100%... Still 100%... Still 100%...
} Why doesn't it start installing?
}
} At last, it starts!
} Oh boy, this isn't going quick either.
} Installing update 1 of 1...
} My head hurts...
}
} [Drum solo here...]
}
} At last, it is finished.
} Windows needs to reboot.
} I wish I had $1 for every time I reboot.
} I'd have... Wait, I did this joke already.
}
} Safe mode? Why is it in safe mode?
} There's something wrong? This stupid Service Pack screwed it up?
} This install was supposed to take 90 minutes.
} I've been at it for 11 hours, and now it doesn't work?
} I need to start over?
} I weep! I weep!
}
} [Drum solo here...]
}
} DAMN YOU MICROSOFT!
} DAMN YOU MICROSOFT!
} DAMN YOU MICROSOFT!
} DAMN YOU MICROSOFT!
} DAMN YOU MICROSOFT!
} DAMN YOU MICROSOFT!
}
} Stick the CD in the drive and close it up,
} Let the computer boot again...
} DAMN YOU MICROSOFT!
} Still booting...
} DAMN YOU MICROSOFT!
} Still booting...
} DAMN YOU MICROSOFT!
} Still booting...
} DAMN YOU MICROSOFT!
} Now it starts formatting...
} DAMN YOU MICROSOFT!
} Start formatting...
} DAMN YOU MICROSOFT!
} Still formatting...
} DAMN YOU MICROSOFT!
} Still formatting...
} DAMN YOU MICROSOFT!
} Still formatting...
} Now it starts copying...
} DAMN YOU MICROSOFT!
} Start copying...
} DAMN YOU MICROSOFT!
} Start copying...
} DAMN YOU MICROSOFT!
} [Music fades... But it never does end...]
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