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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How does BITNET work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, the bits go here and the bits go there, } and the bits get into my lover's hair, } and the bits are cooked 'till they are rare, } and that's how it goes on BITNET. } } Oh, the bits go in and the bits go out, } And they splash around like a drunken trout } That's swimming up a waterspout, } And that's how it goes on BITNET. } } Oh, the bits go off and the bits go on, } And the bits swim around like a potted prawn, } Until their souls are completely gone, } And that's how it goes on BITNET.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise Oracle, is she going to come up and visit me this weekend, > and if not, why?  (I know answering two questions is not your usual > policy, but could you make an exception in this case?  I'm desperate!!)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, I'm afraid that she isn't going to visit you. Why not? Well, you } must know by now that women never do anything for just one reason. So } here are the } } TOP TEN REASONS SHE WILL NOT COME UP AND VISIT YOU THIS WEEKEND } } 10. Doesn't want to miss the "My Favorite Martian" festival }  9. That last vat of pickles threatened to haunt her if she didn't }     stay home and eat it }  8. The weather's "poopy" }  7. She's seeing how long she can grow her nostril hairs and doesn't }     want to cut them yet }  6. She thinks you've found out about her extra breast }  5. Someone has to tell the world that Steinbrenner sucks! }  4. Can't sleep until she finishes that Garfield needlepoint }  3. Haven't you ever had the urge to stay home, dress up like Deborah }     Norville, and roll in peanut butten for two days? }  2. She and her girlfriends are going to a bar to watch guys dance who }     have dicks twice as long as yours } } And the number one reason she will not come up and visit you... } }  1. As she opens the door, she will be eaten by a large lion } } You owe the Oracle a Stupid Human Trick.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and noble and wow Oracle, what if the gigantic fault line I'm > sitting on should erupt?  What then, O Big One?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't know, offhand.  Let's find out. } } oracle@iuvax> rlogin earth.sol.mlkway.uni -l root } Password: } # } } Okay, hmm.  What magnitude shall I pick...oh, I guess a 9 or so will do. } } # quake -m9.3 } } Okay, let me just check this output...uh huh...okay...hmm...yep, just } as I expected. } } So, here's what would happen if that faultline erupted...hello?  Hello?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that you can't live with 'em, and can't live without 'em?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here's why you can't live with 'em: } 1. They tear up everything you own. } 2. They eat your plants. } 3. They leave pornographic magazines in the bathroom when your parents }    or employers come to visit. } 4. They emit a sulpherous smell which soon begins to permeate everything }    you own. } 5. They get you pregnant. } 6. They stay up late at night, singing Verdi operas and consuming mass }    quantities of vodka and gatorate.  When you try to shut them up, they }    curl up and sit in your lap and nuzzle you and look very very cute. } 7. They kill undergraduates and drag them in and leave them on your }    doorstep, as a sort of friendship offering. } 8. They like to write to major political figures, challenging their }    fundamental beliefs and campaign promises and threatening them with }    everything from blackmail to neutron bombs in their backyards.  Then }    the FBI comes after you. } 9. They order "things" from "mail order companies".  Then they refuse to }    tell you what they are. } 10. They run around the house, pretending to be trucks or blind }     elephants or prime ministers or something equally moronic, }     blundering into your personal possessions and wreacking havoc. } 11. They ooze under your door at night and creep into your bed. (cf. 5). } } Here's why you can't live without 'em: } } 1. Whenever you try to order sushi without one, you cannot figure out }    what the names are, the waiters won't tell you, and you end up }    chewing unhappily on huge platters of rubbery abalone, squid, and }    condoms. } 2. They are the only things in the world capable of doing your laundry. } 3. Whenever you aren't living with one of them, real estate brokers }    plague you incessantly, calling at all hours of the day and night, }    asking you to buy condos in places with names like "Gelatin Manor", }    and "Kenotokee Estate".  (You looked up Kenotokee and it means }    "Doesn't stink so much any more." in Cherokee.) } 4. Once, when you hadn't so much as been in the same room with one for }    two months, you actually bought a condo in Kenotokee Estate.  Now }    you're wondering just how much it stank before, considering how bad }    it is now. } 5. When they're away, you find yourself playing video games and eating }    twinkies soaked in beer 'till four in the morning all the time.  You }    don't even like twinkies soaked in beer.  Then when you go to sleep }    the real estate brokers call you again. } } So, I think you get the picture. } } You owe me (1) one of them, and (2) an eviction notice for said one, } with the date left blank.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Most, > > Could you recite for me one of the lays from "The Lays of Lisa".  I > don't live in one of the states in which it's banned so it should be > okay.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately, you have caught Me during one of my visits to Missouri, } where everything is illegal. I can't remember much of it, but I'll } try... } } I sing a song of Lisa fair! } The girl with satin underwear. } Her charms are clear for all to see } But she only has eyes for me, Me, ME! } } Her ears belong to Jimmy Dean, } A homeless shepherd guards her spleen, } Osiris owns her milky thighs } (Don't challenge him, it isn't wise) } Her lips are claimed by Julia Child } Her tits drive Zarathustra wild! } The Seven Dwarves all claim her ass, } Her clit is kept by Philip Glass, } At each full moon she gives her cunt } To Sweet Diana of the Hunt. } } And Mike Dukakis licks her toes } As Reagan palms her tender nose } And in the back is poor Dan Quayle } Trying hard to find her tail! } } But don't think this my sex life wrecks, } For I'm enthralled with eyeball sex! } Eyebrows, eyelids, all for me! } Those glossy orbs through which you see, } My favorite part of low-born sluts, } They're often served with gopher guts! } I'm never jealous of Osiris } 'Cause I've got rights to Lisa's iris! } Nothing else could make me hornier } Than just a glimpse of well formed cornea! } } (I leave you with this epithet: }  Try to be happy with what you can get.)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the first name of the cute girl?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm, that question needs some interpretation...  Which cute girl do you } mean? } } Being omniscient, I of course know that you mean the cute girl who's } sitting three terminals away from you, playing xconq.  Also, I can tell } you that knowing her first name is a great idea:  If you walk up to her } within the next forty minutes and casually say `Hi, [ first name } inserted ]', she'll start wondering where she's met you before.  This } will preoccupy her mind to the extent that she won't even notice the } big, hulky guy from the football team she'll meet in the corridor on her } way out.  She'll continue thinking about you for the next two weeks, and } she'll end up deeply in love with you.  Congratulations! } } If, however, you don't do this, she won't take notice of you and will } instead fall in love with, marry and bear the eight children of the } football guy in the corridor. } } So I can understand that you want to know her first name.  And of course } I, the omniscient Oracle, knows it. } } But - } } since you omitted the usual grovelling at the beginning of your question } (such as `Oh Oracle, whose boots I am not worthy to lick...'), and since } you omitted a lot of relevant information, such as *which* cute girl of } all the 734,987,666 cute girls in the world you meant, from your } question (that cost me two CPU minutes to find out!  I really don't like } smart-alecks like you that rely too heavily on my omniscience.  Let me } state once and for all that *all* relevant *must* be given together with } the question), you've managed to piss me off quite a bit. } } So, since you apparently feel that I, who really have more important } things to do [Yes, Lisa, I'll be with you in a few minutes!] should } spend my valuable time finding out things which you could have told me } directly instead, I think I'll let you taste your own medicine. } } Here are the names of all the cute girls in the world (734,987,666 of } them, to be exact).  The name you're looking for is among them.  You'll } just have to find it.  Good luck! } } You owe the Oracle some more respect. } } ~r cute.girls.first.names } =========  LIST OF CUTE GIRLS STARTS HERE ================= } } Lisa, Alice, Jill, Hetty, Elaine, Caroline, Cathy, Helen, Helga, Anna, } Gertrude, Elizabeth, Marie, } } [ The rest of this list has been edited out to save your disk quota. It }   will be mailed to you as soon as you've persuaded the system admin- }   istrators to give you 2 Gigabytes more quota. }   What? They won't? Oh, but surely that's your problem, not mine. ]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Inform  me, oh bloated bag of profundity, oh overflowing sewer of > knowledge, oh bladder squiirting the fluid of enlightenment, what > is the best way to roll up those little packets of catsup so that > when someone steps on it, it will squirt in the proper direction?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *** We're sorry, the Oracle is not in right now.  Here to take his } place is the Auto-Oracle server program.  This is only a beta } version, so it's running in debug mode.  Please report all bugs to } the Oracle. }   > Inform  me, oh bloated bag of profundity, oh overflowing sewer of }   > knowledge, oh bladder squiirting the fluid of enlightenment, what }   > is the best way to roll up those little packets of catsup so that }   > when someone steps on it, it will squirt in the proper direction? } } %% 3 poorly constructed compliments found } %% Compliment type: Thinly veiled derogatory } %% Error: squiirting not found } %% Spelling correction: squiirting -> squirting } %% Catsup: Concept loading... done. } %% Stepping: Concept loading... done. } %% Inference: Packet of catsup, stepping on it... done. } %% Squirt in proper direction: Loading concept... done. } %% Inference: Proper direction will cause maximum embarassment } %% Parsed question: How should a catsup packet be set up so someone }                     stepping on it suffers maximum embarassment? } %% Additional info: Murphy's law, practical jokes, } %% Marijuana joint: Loading... smoking... stoned. } } Catsup packets are a manifestation of basic jape & Murphy's law. } The catsup packet, when stepped on, will squirt in a lateral } direction, depositing its contents on passersby.  The catsup will } not land on the person stepping on it, but rather on other people. } This may lead to fisticuffs but not really to embarassment. } } You owe yourself a spelling checker.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Wise, and Genius Oracle: > Could you please, please enlighten me to a most pressing question of > this era. > > How could the Creator, in all his/her/it's infinite wisdom create > Dick Vitale?  Is Vitale the anti-christ?  Is Vitale's purpose to > dispel the myth that ugly people don't shatter cameras?  Is his > purpose to make every basketball fan feel smarter than TV announcers? > What's the deal here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Heh, heh. This is kind of embarrassing. It seems that Dick Vitale is my } fault. } } You see, a long time ago the Oracle would occasionally hold the } Oracular Sweepstakes. Anyone who asked a question would automatically } be entered, and the winner was allowed to be anything he wanted to be. } Unfortunately, the winners failed miserably at their new jobs. Here are } some examples of past winners: } } Winner                    What he/she wanted to be } ------                    ------------------------ } Millard Fillmore          America's most beloved president } Rob Lowe                  Teenage heartthrob (he got the "throb" }                             right) } Torquemada                Messenger of Christian love and }                             understanding to the people of Spain } Yoko Ono                  John Lennon's wife } Bella Abzug               Sexiest congresswoman in U.S. history } Dan Quayle                Coherent } Marie Antoinette          A woman a few pounds lighter and a foot }                             shorter } George Burns              Dead } } As you can see, all of these people were utter failures at their new } posts, and pressure was put on the Oracle to discontinue the } Sweepstakes. When Dick "Mr. Uggo 1967" was the winner and elected to } become a sportscaster, it was the last straw. } } Dick Vitale is not the anti-christ, he's just ugly and stupid. This is } not to say that Old Scratch doesn't have his hand in sportscating. Oh, } no! THE ANTI-CHRIST IS FERDIE^C

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is the movie "I Love You to Death" worth seeing?  I heard from my school > newspaper that it was funny but without substance.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's really a matter of opinion, wouldn't you agree?  And since *I* } can't think of anything to say, why don't we just run a few personality } simulators, and find out what *they* think about it. } } % simulate -psiskel,ebert -m"I Love You to Death" } loading: siskel (reviewer) } loading: ebert (reviewer) } loading: "I Love You to Death" (movie) } running... } } Siskel: Our next film is a new release, titled "I Love You to Death". }         This is the latest film from director Lawrence Kasdan, and }         featuring the impressive talents of Kevin Kline, William Hurt }         and Tracey Ullman.  Here's a clip in which the hero, Joey }         Boca, played by Kline, is being chased by a would-be assailant, }         played by Ullman. } }         [insert movie clip here] } }         Heh heh heh...that's a wonderful scene, and this is a wonderful }         movie; it's extremely funny.  This sort of film is the reason }         I'm a film critic.  I had a wonderful time, and I think you will }         too.  A definite thumbs up! } } Ebert: Well, Gene, I have to agree with you that "I Love You to Death" }        is funny, but I don't think that makes up for the film's apalling }        lack of substance.  For example, in the } ^C } } Okay, well, that simulation wasn't a particularly interesting one. } Maybe another one would work out better. } } % simulate -pdebbie-gibson,nietzsche -m"I Love You to Death" } loading: debbie-gibson (singer) } loading: nietzsche (philosopher) } loading: "I Love You to Death" (movie) } running... } } Gibson:  Wow!  "I Love You to Death" is a terriffic movie!  I thought }          it was, like, really *funny* and everything!  I think I'll }          write a song about it!  While I do that, you want to talk or }          anything, Nitzy? } } Nietzsche: Funny?  Perhaps.  But what does that mean in the face of the }            endless void in which Mankind lives?  Cannot one expect }            *substance* in a film?  Does not } ^C } } *Sigh*.  That one wasn't working either.  Maybe I should take a } different approach... } } % simulate -phelms,tipper -sdesert-island -m"I Love You to Death" } loading: jesse-helms (senator) } loading: tipper-gore (senator's wife) } loading: "I Love You to Death" (movie) } running... } } Helms: Way-ull, we-uh strayanded on uh desut ahlund, Miz Go-ah. } } Tipper: Yes, Mr. Helms, we are.  And alone, too.  Oh, my, look at that! }         Something's washing up on the beach!  Why, it's a battery- }         operated projector, and a film-case!  Oh how wonderful, I was }         afraid we'd be bored!  Oh dear, but I hope the film isn't filled }         with smut! } } Helms: It appeahs to be uh copuh of "Ah Luv Yuh tuh De-uth".  Pahayaps }        we should hay-uve uh look at it... } }        [sets up projector] }        [waits until dark] }        [insert film here] } }        Way-ull.  Thayut was filthuh.  Ah'm puhsanalluh uhffended }        that ouh puhblic watuhways wuh cayyin such fiyulth, an Ah'm }        gonna see tuh it it dun't happin agin. } } Tipper: Oh Jesse, I've always loved you.  Take me. } } end of simulation. } } } Well, there you have the opinions of the experts.  You can make your } own choices about whether to see the film now. } } You owe the Oracle the possibility that simulation #3 might one } day come true.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle who has more wholesomness than Wonder Bread, more tang than > sourdough, more ethnicity than rye, more mystery than pumpernickel, > more historical significance than Roman Meal, more class than Brick > Oven thin-sliced, and so on, can you help me?  I am a songwriter who > has been commissioned to re-interperet the following quotation from > Karl Marx in song form: > >    "Feuerbach's greatest achievement is opposing to the negation of >     the negation, which claims to be the absolute positive, the >     self-supporting positive, positively grounded on itself." > > I assume it should be a reggae song, but I am open to suggestions. > With all the humility of which my lowly being is capable, I > respectfully seek from You, Oh Oracle, a few pointers.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bread! Marxist philosophy! Song? Yeah! Uhhhh... blurble dinkle gidge } plop goog dingy jnvhdgorhgoi j8 5 tqt3u354 mtcq3cva 3-5 ;yt5h398n0- } ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;@### } } Host: Congratulations, Mortal! You have BLOWN OUT THE ORACLE!! Don, }     tell this bonehead what he's won! } Don: Sure thing, Bob! By killing the Oracle you have won THE UTTER }     DESTRUCTION OF YOUR UNIVERSE! Yes, the Oracle was the only thing }     holding it all together, so you can look forward to perishing in a }     fiery inferno any day now! } Steve Kinzler: Don't worry guys, it was just a simple overload. I'll }     reboot him. See, he's up and running again! } Host: Oh. Never mind! } } Heh. Had a slight...spell there. But I'm fine now! Let's see. You're } right, reggae does fit! How's this: } } Red, Red Marx } Overthrow meeeeeee } Don't let me get too rich } Before you revolt } } Red, Red Marx } Where have you gone } Have they forgotten you } In east Europe's states } } I was gone, for a time } To tend to my affairs } I returned just to find } Big Macs in Red Square } } Red, Red Marx } Don't forget meeeee } Your workers are calling you } You're tearing apart } Their red, red hearts } } [Let's toast!] } } Red, Red Marx you really strike some sparks, } You keep me away from the capitalist sharks! } Red, Red Marx you're good for a lark! } There's fucking few things that rhyme with Marx! } } That's it. You'll have to take it from there. } } You owe the Oracle some Ben-Gay for the circuits you strained.