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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did the huge fat girl sit on me? She must've weighed 300 pounds..

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Mr. Ladies Room Toilet Seat, } } Do you not remember telling that genie you wanted } to be permanently hard and have access to booty 24/7? } } Hmm? } } Sincerely, } TIO

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If I was briefly granted your immense wisdom, and intelligence, which > is so big no pen could fit the numbers into the character sheet of a > D+D game, what would my three wishes be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1. Instead of sitting around rolling dice with other geeky socially }    awkward males, could I get a date this Saturday night? } } 2. Failing that, can my character get a date? With a female Dark Elf }    clad in a +10 Tank Top of Form-Fittingness? } } 3. Failing that, can I just alter my character sheet to make it look }    like my character had a date? Without the DM noticing? I need the }    experience points.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ############## >           ---+------- >           |..rrr....| >           |..r@r....| >           |..rrr....| >           ----------- > r: We woodchucks have you now!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why you lousy supplicant! I could teleport away but I just hate those } pesky creatures. } And you couldn't get far away, I am gonna *ZOT* you personally for } drawing my temple so awfully! } } z /oP . } Oracle turns into a toaster. } z /oP . } Toaster turns into a platypus. } z /oP . } Platypus turns into a fat french tavernkeeper. } z /oP . } Fat french tavernkeeper turns into an Amulet of Yendor. } z /oP . } Amulet of Yendor turns into Terry Gilliam. } z /oP . } Terry Gilliam turns into a woodchuck. } Woodchuck swears. } Woodchuck looks surprised. } Woodchuck looks surprised. } Woodchuck looks surprised. } z /oP . } Woodchuck turns into an army of termites. } Army of termites exclaims "Muwahaha! How many chucks of woodchuck woody } chuckeroo can an army of termites eat if army of termites could eat wood } chucks. Wait a second, we CAN eat wood.". } Army of termites consumes all the woodchucks in the area. } } You owe Army of termites.. we'll talk about it as I'll digest you. } * begins polyselving for a gelatinous cube *

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will you be my friend?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course! The Internet Oracle is a friend to all--without regard to } race, creed, color, national origin, sexual orientation, age, mental } illness, drug use, physical disability, professed religion, weight, } actual religion, height, IQ, marital status, culinary preferences, } political party, eyesight, unusual hobbies, anarchist leanings, voting } history, criminal background, hairstyle, shoe size, professional } society or terrorist watch list membership, ATM PIN, gun ownership, } sleep disorders, UFO belief, knowledge of differential calculus, } off-color passwords, whiskey of choice, favorite TV show, failure to } yield, musical style, favorite TV brand, security clearance, } metaphysical use of pyramids, crystals or vortices, piercings, } tattoos, or other selmutilations, typing WPM, genetic mutations, } spelling ability, alien abduction, fashion sense, paranormal } abilities, basketball, hockey, sumo wrestling or curling, man or } woman, friend or foe, left or right, young or old, Whig or Torrey, PC } or Mac, blue or red, Clay or Ali, Game Cube or X-Box, football or } soccer, East or West, hex or octal, Kiwanis or Rotary, missionary or } doggy, baseball or cricket, grass or booze, fixed or proportional, } satellite or cable, blood or crip, Dodgers or Giants, does she or } doesn't she, animal, vegetable or mineral, azimuth, altitude, } longitude, latitude, or attitude. } } In fact, the Oracle is so incredibly tolerant of all human diversity, } there is only one thing that could ever prevent him from being your } friend. What? You are? } } You owe the Oracle a restraining order.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most studious, who did all his own stunts and wrote all his > own term papers, for which he is praised by college students and movie > directors alike..... not to mention still has pupils no matter how much > coffee he drinks... > > I have been working very hard in school this semester.  At least once > every week I have worked myself to emotional, physical, and mental > exhaustion.  I want to know if my dedication and hard work will pay > off.  Can you look a month into the future and see if I pass all of my > classes this semester? > > Yours Sincerely, > A studious mortal who no longer has pupils - or a social life.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I always thought it was very important to see things on all time } scales at once. If you cherry-pick your time-scale you only get part } of the story. What's so important about next month anyway? So, here } are my predictions: } } In one day: You will still be studying. Your ceiling light fails. You } don't have time to go buy a new bulb. You keep studying in the dark. } Eye exhaustion means you have to increase your coffee intake. } } In one week: Your liver suffers catastrophic failure due to exhaustion } and an inordinate amount of stimulants. You are taken to the hospital. } You ask a friend to bring your textbooks to study on the hospital bed. } } In three weeks: You get out of the hospital. Exams are next week, you } need to study twice as hard now, you've lost so much time! } } In a month: You pass your exams. You have a hard time with } Differential Geometry, but you pull off a B-. You succeeded! You get } your diploma. } } In a month and a day: You celebrate your success with your friends by } drinking yourselves silly at the pub. } } In six weeks: You're still drinking. You had a lot of pressure to let } off. Most of your friends are gone already, but the barmaid seems } friendly enough. } } In 2 months: You get your first interview! Unfortunately, you get } there drunk. Why didn't they ever tell you that you shouldn't do that } at the university? All you do there is drink, study, drink, study, and } suddenly you're supposed to know how to tie a tie? } } In 6 months: Another interview. The first thing the interwer says: } "Eh! Aren't you that guy that Bill interviewed 4 months ago and who } barfed on his new shoes?" } } In a year: Penniless and desperate, you accept a job as movie theater } floor cleaner. } } In 5 years: You can't take it anymore. Your life is meaningless. You } don't care if you're going to eat ramen everyday, you have to go back } to school. } } In 10 years! Hurray! Another degree! And this time, you already got a } job! } } In 10 years and a day: You go drinking to celebrate your new job. } Alone. } } In 10 years and a week: Your employer sends a "You're fired" note to } the hospital. The nurse keeps it until you get out of ethylic coma. } } In eleven years: McDonald's. } } In 40 years: No! This won't be! I may be 60 already, but Goddam it I'm } going to do something with my life! } } In 41 years: After saving almost your whole salary for a year (1M$, } but you know, with the inflation it's not much....), you go back to } school one last time. You choose a degree at random: Sexology. } } In 41 years and 1 month: You finally figure out what sex is. You can't } believe you've been all these years without it. } } In 41 years and two months: On your first laboratory class, you find } out that your plumbing doesn't work anymore at your age. You go to the } pub. } } My advice? Start drinking earlier. } } You owe the Oracle the solution to the drunken walker problem.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If you're so smart, what will I get for my next birthday?  Hurry, as > it's less than two months away!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Are you sure you will have a next birthday?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ..and so, the worst enemies of the Internet Oracle cornered the Oracle. > > The Terminator was to the left of him, brandishing a chain gun. > > Strongbad was to the right of him, with a +4 Rod of Spamming, > > And in front of him, in a cruel, cruel irony, was the Woodchuck Queen, > holding the Staff of Zot. > > With Zadoc on vacation, and Lisa incapacitated, and the Oracle's energy > drained, he now has no hope defeating his enimeis. > > Oh, did I mention they are all wearing blessed +6 rustproof curseproof > demonproof corrodeproof rotproof zotproof silver dragon scale mail?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You did not mention that.  No matter, the Oracle knew anyway. } The Oracle always knows. } } And the Oracle even knows the solution to this problem.  How exactly } could I even be considered omniscient if I didn't know the solution to } this problem *before* I had gotten myself into it?  I knew aforehand } that I own all three suits of... [pauses to re-read the e-mail] } rustproof curseproof demonproof rotproof zotproof silver dragon } scale mail (Phew!) and filled them with the deadly Cordilla virus, } manufactured by the enemies of Jack Bauer.  It should be kicking } it about...  [counts on his digital watch]  5...4...3......Now!  Ha! } Watch them all suffer!  Hahahaha!  None can defeat the eternal Oracle! } Waahaa! } } Moral of the (very short) story: never underestimate the Oracle. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of a holy book that was saved more than } 2,400 years before it was threatened. } } So there.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Fluffy but quite ponderous Oracle, you are actually a serious source of > information in spite of occasional apearances to the contrary. I think > you enjoy dressing as an idiot just to confuse, mystify and unenlighten > your supplicants. > > Would there be any other reason for your latest outburst of inane, > purile, and disgusting expletives in response to my serious question > about the ultimate purpose of mankind and their religions, and in > particular the so-called problem of evil? Maybe I didn't ask it right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, you certainly didn't ask it right. } } I'm omniscient, but you're not; sometimes your memory is so faulty that } you don't even remember what you wrote the day before. Let's recap, } shall we? } } You originally wrote: } > D00D! U R 50 K3WL! } > WHA22UP W1TH TH3 WH0LE 0RACUL TH1NG NE WAY? } } I replied: } } This is explained in the FAQ. To read it, send mail to } } oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. } } You owe it to the Oracle to do this. } } You wrote back: } > I get it now. Sorry about before; I thought this was a place for } > hackers. } > So I can send in questions about anything at all, and you'll answer } > them. You're some kind of cult leader, right? How do I get in on } > that? } } I replied: } } No, I am not a cult leader. I am the Internet Oracle, the ultimate } } source of infinite knowledge. You ask a question (with a suitable } } grovel - please read that FAQ again) and I answer it. } } You owe it to the Oracle to read the FAQ again. } } You wrote back: } > Oh ho, so you're not a cult leader, huh? Then why do you call } > yourself "the Internet Oracle" and ask all of those people to bow } > down to you? Hey, I saw a press release with your name (Charles E. } > Phillips) and your picture in front of the Oracle building. What was } > wrong with your hair that day? And you were wearing an ugly tan tie } > that clashed with your ugly grey coat. Why do you dress that way? } } I replied: } } No, you're getting me confused with the Oracle database company. I am } } not affiliated with them in any way - I am the Internet Oracle. The } } FAQ explains how I came into being; notice that it doesn't say } } anything about databases. For what it's worth, I never wear a tie or } } a coat - I dress in robes everyday, not because I have anything to do } } with a cult, but just because it's more comfortable. And I don't work } } in an office building; I live in the Oracular Temple on the campus of } } Indiana University. } } You owe it to the Oracle to read the FAQ yet again! Really read it } } this time! } } You wrote back: } > Silly moronic Oracle, fine - maybe you're not Charles Phillips, but } > you're still a freaking weirdo! I can tell from your picture that you } > do drugs every day, probably in the back of your little Oracle Cave } > where nobody can see you. I bet you steal from the rich and keep it } > all for yourself! Why can't you get a real job? Why can't we all just } > get along? Why are you so evil? } > Your religion is nothing but an excuse to screw people all day long - } > first in the wallet, then in the ass! Why can't you get a real job, } > you moocher? } } I replied: } } You have NEVER seen my picture! It isn't published ANYWHERE! You } } should hire someone to read the FAQ and then explain it to you! But } } you won't, will you? No matter what I write, you keep insisting that } } I do things that I don't do! I don't have anything to do with any } } sort of religion! I only "screw" one person - and she wants me to } } keep doing it! I don't take money - I usually request a tribute when } } I've given an answer, but honestly I rarely get it, and when I do } } it's entirely voluntary and heavily taxed! } } The Internet Oracle never stoops to insults - but you are literally a } } moron, and so you're just NOT going to GET IT! So why don't you quit } } trying? } } You owe it to the Oracle to quit trying! } } You wrote back: } > Obnoxious Oracle: Aha! I knew it! You have to stoop to insults and } > profanity! I ask a serious question about mankind and evil, and } > instead of answering it you start calling me names and stoop to } > expletives! } } I replied: } } You moron - read the FAQ again! Or any of my previous answers to you! } } You owe it to the Oracle to quit trying! } } And then you wrote this latest question. } } For the first time in the history of the Oracle, I respond by asking } YOU a question: What do you want from me? } } You owe the Oracle the answer to that question - or else to quit } trying!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How come my internal brain processor can make very realistic looking > girl in dream who laughs and even plays around with me but when try to > feel her it feels like the force field is missing? That force field is > very iffy, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, sometimes 50/50, > and even if it does it feels more like going through the motions of > showing resistance in the right places rather than being real (more > like a statue) > > At least the saftey features are still working, dog bites are muted > before simulated skin-puncturing pressures are reached.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, your internal brain processor must be running Windows Vista. } } You can see the girl fine because your graphic imagination supports } Vista's Aero interface. You don't need to upgrade until more DirectX 10 } compatible dreams come out. } } She even laughs and plays around with you, you say? Well, that's just } Vista rearranging the controls from how they used to be in XP. } } You need administrator privileges to touch her however. Vista's } so-called "user account control" features require you to click through } several dialogs just to delete a file. Guess how much harder it is to } reach out and touch someone! It works sometimes because you don't } always try to touch in an administrator-only area. } } Glad to see you haven't removed the safety features. Be aware that } Windows' native safety features only cover the basics. You still should } install an antivirus soon. It'd be a shame if a virus infected your } internal brain processor and deleted your marbles, er, system files. } } You owe the Oracle an OEM version.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can I submit the same question thrice?  Will I get different answers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The sad fact is you most likely won't get any answer at } all. } } Sit down. } } It's time we had a talk. } } The Oracle is, well, he is missing. There I said it, and } I feel all the better for it. } } You see it started out slowly, Orrie became a tad more } withdrawn. Ordered all his clothes from Amizone.com. } And his food. And more than a few books. And some weird } DVDs. Lisa went back to live with her mum. Og got } arrested in Mexico and when we tried to bail him out he } insisted on staying there "Safe Here Og Stay". And } then Kendai joined a non-cult and began wearing a tie. } A Garfield the Cat cartoon tie. } } No one gave the gardener directions anymore and he } took to cutting disturbing images into the shrubbery. } } A way too large dark bird would circle the temple each } night at the stroke of midnight, well, until they changed } the time in Indiana a few weeks early this year -- then } for a night or two it showed up around 1:00am sometimes & } at 11:00pm at other times. Then it just up and disappeared. } } The Oracle wouldn't explain any of this. Zadoc muttered } obtuse hints about moving the whole operation to Medellin } come fall. And all the while no one has actually seen } The Oracle in a week of Tuesdays. } } Then again it could have to do with some priests just } deleting every Oracle answer/question pair that hits } their mailbox rather reading them, or better yet than } retiring and finally admitting that they don't give a } rat's anymore. This makes people frustrated as they } write and write and write stuff, but no digests ever } appear anymore. Quality Control they say. Got to keep } a stiff upper hip they say. } } I personally think it has something to do with that } big ol' creepy bird. It'll be back. Mark my words.