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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm full. Now I have to wait a few hours before I can eat again. But > I'm inpatient! Why can't I eat now??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Quite simply: to prevent you from getting sick. If you ate more right } now, the result would be embarassing to you and everyone around you. } Plus, it'd be a mess and who would clean it up? } } Now, that sounds a bit too simple, doesn't it? Of course, there is a } deeper meaning. The universe wants to teach you something. I, in my } omniescence, do of course know what it is that you are to be taught. } But I have made it an habit not to get in the way of the universes } pedagogics, it takes these things pesonally, and you are supposed to } find out by yourself. } } But here's just a little hint: if you don't eat all that yummy stuff } now, someone else will doubtlessly do so. Maybe the universe wants this } person to get the sweeties. Then you should ask yourself: why does it } prefer this person? } } And what can you do about it? } } You owe the oracle 3% of the obtained enlightenment as replacement for } temple candles.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are you a solipsist?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That you ask proves you're not, so any answer } The Oracle gives you'll doubt. } } You owe the Oracle a hall of mirrors.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, what do pickled dragons with mustard taste like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Chicken. } } Ok, that's probably not the answer you're looking for.  In fact, since } I'm omniscient, I *KNOW it's not the answer you were looking for.  So, } let's expound a little, shall we? } } Imagine you're a lowly peasant in a Middle-Earth-style setting. } You're roughly 38 years old, have several kids and a plump, loving } wife.  However, you're extremely poor.  You spend your days getting } paid to shift mud from one pile to another for the sheer amusement of } your lord, who busies himself with hurrying from mud pile to mud pile, } his only purpose to watch those under him slave away in misery.  If } you do a particularly good job, you get paid a couple of silver pieces } instead of the standard few copper pieces.  You're a hard worker, but } not very good at your job, so you don't get a lot of extra money.  But } that's ok, because you're happy with your lot in life.  Your kids love } you, your wife loves you, and you're debt-free. } } One day, while you're shifting a particularly heavy pile of mud, your } lord happens by on his horse.  Not only is he watching you work, but } also the Prince of the land.  The Prince is a snobbish brute, spoiled } in every way, and seems to be about 150 pounds heavier than he should } be.  He laughs heartily at your misery, commenting to the lord how } deliciously pitiful you look when all of a sudden, the Prince's horse } sees a snake lurking near it!  The horse panics, and begins galloping } at an incredibly fast pace towards a 150 foot cliff no more than a } quarter of a mile away.   Without thinking, you quickly shove your } lord off of his horse, climb on and race towards the doomed Prince. } The Prince's horse is still panicked, but having a heck of a time } trying to run with the obese Prince on its back, so you're easily able } to catch up to him.  Within feet of the cliff, you deftly grab the } Prince, drawing him to the ground just as the terrified horse plunges } down the cliff to his death.  The Prince, shaken and a little } embarrassed, thanks you whole-heartedly, and makes his way back to the } King's castle. } } It isn't long before word of your heroic efforts to save his son } reaches the King's ears.  The King is so grateful that he immediately } sends for you to join him in a banquet and party in your honor! } } Oh, the banquet is quite a sight to behold.  You are placed at the } King's side, encouraged to eat as much as you can possibly eat, drink } as much as you can possibly drink.  The King, like his son, is a large } man of some girth.  His appetite is a hearty one, and although he is } King, his table manners are atrocious.  But you enjoy yourself, having } a large portion of every type of food that is brought before you.  And } the Ale!  Oh my, you are given the best ale in all the lands!   By } midnight, you are extremely full, extremely drunk, and extremely sick } of eating.  But the party continues!  And, being the honored guest, } you are not allowed to stop eating or drinking.  It is four in the } morning, and you are literally stuffed and drunk off of your arse. } Finally, the party is waning, and the King is just about to leave for } the night, when suddenly, you throw up everything you've eaten in a } huge, smelly, brown-red mixture of food, ale, mucous and stomach bile. } It really is quite a mess. } } The King is shocked and horrified!  The custom for the land is that a } guest of the King NEVER throws up any food given to him during the } course of the feast.  You have committed one of the vilest acts you } could possibly commit, and the only recourse for your actions is death } by being drawn and quartered.  Or, the King tells you, you could } re-consume your sin, so to speak.  After a night's debauchery and } gluttony, you are now looking at a congealing mess that you realize } you must eat if you want to live to see the sunrise. } } Got that? } } Ok, pickled dragons with mustard has the taste that is a lot like you } think eating that regurgitated mess would taste, only without the } wonderful texture. } } You owe the Oracle a doggy bag.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O oracle Most Wise, > > In 'The Wizard of Oz', the Wicked Witch melted when in contact with > water. Now, I realize that water can be acidic when in the presence > of a base, but is the witch really that basic? Besides, what were > the products? Perhaps the water lowered the Witch's boiling point? > > Please Tell me, for I am confused

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The first thing you should understand is that words have } different meaning in Oz. } } Consider the word "witch." In our world, this is usually has one } of two meanings: } } 1) A female sorcerer or magician, usually imagined to have }    special powers derived from the devil (with an evil }    connotation), or } } 2) An ugly evil-looking old woman (not necessarily associated }    with magic). } } In either case, there's something revolting about a witch in our } world. } } But in Oz, this is not necessarily so. Glinda, the Witch of the } North, embodies both beauty and niceness. You can't seriously ask } "Are you a Good Witch or a Bad Witch" unless there is such a } thing as a Good Witch. } } Now consider the word "melt." In our world, this usually means } "reduce or cause to be reduced from a solid to a liquid state by } heating." } } In the scene you refer to, the witch does indeed yell "I'm } melting! I'm melting" as she disappears after she becomes wet - } but what is happening is clearly NOT what (in our world) is } called melting. First, the water being used was not hot - it had } been sitting in a bucket for use as a fire suppressant, and so it } was clearly room temperature - so it was not done by heating. } Second, the witch did not turn into a liquid - she turned into } smoke, and (in the movie version, at least) you can clearly see } the wisps of smoke emanating from where the witch's feet used to } be. This is similar to what we would call "burning", but that } doesn't exactly fit either. (Clearly, water doesn't burn people, } either here or in Oz.) } } So, if the witch isn't really melted, what is happening? } } Based on the fact that water is deadly to the witch, it's obvious } that she hasn't had a bath in a very long time. In fact, when } that accident(*) occurred, the witch was 80 years old and she } hadn't had a bath since she was a teenager. Yet you know, from } other scenes in that same story, that it was possible for other } people to be indoors with the witch without falling over from the } stench. (We have no evidence that the odor was pleasant - only } that it didn't knock people out.) This proves that the witch } regularly used either an antiperspirant or a deodorant, or both. } We don't know how often - it might have been daily, or just once } a month - but it WAS used. } } If you use an antiperspirant or deodorant in the morning, it } might still have some effectiveness later that afternoon. It } conceivably could still have some minor degree of effectiveness } late into the night, or (if you have unusually dormant sweat } glands) even into the next day. But eventually the natural odor } of your body will build up to the point where it overpowers the } antiperspirant or deodorant. You can, of course, combat this by } using more of the antiperspirant or deodorant. Whatever trace } amounts of the original application still remain, will combine } with the fresh application - and for a while, at least, you might } not have an offensive odor. But the chemicals from both of the } applications still remain on your skin. Later that same day or } week or month you might use even more of the antiperspirant or } deodorant, and now the chemicals continue to combine with your } own body odors, and so on... } } In both the movie and book 'Wizard of Oz', the Wicked Witch is } described as having green skin. Can you begin to see why this is } so? } } Antiperspirants generally contain at least one of these active } ingredients: Aluminum chloride, Aluminum zirconium } tricholorohydrex glycine, Aluminum chlorohydrate, or Aluminum } hydroxybromide. Deodorants aren't likely to contain aluminum, but } they typically contain Guar Gum, Vegetable Glycerin, Glycerol } Stearate, Patchouli, Sandalwood Essential Oil, and/or Lavender. } } In small amounts, all of these are completely safe. But when } applied in vast quantities - layer upon layer upon layer, for } decades - and when allowed to combine with carbon dioxide in the } air, many of these can begin to collect enzymes, which cause } impurities to attract trace amounts of various acids. When these } acids combine with a catalyst such as water, they can ignite. } } In short, it was the acid, attracted by the witch's } antiperspirants or deodorants, which caused the witch to burn. } } [AllanW] } } (*) The water wasn't intended to kill the witch, but to save the }     scarecrow - who was on fire at the time. Therefore, the event }     was an accident, by the definition of "accident." } } You owe the Oracle some DVD's of funny movies - or some } pornography - or some political debates - or a loaded gun - } anything to get rid of the image in my head of a witch applying } antiperspirants or deodorants for decades without bathing! Eww!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                                       Acme Telephone Sterilizers, Inc >                                       Hercules Plaza >                                       1313 N. Market Street >                                       Wilmington, DE 19801 >                                       May 10th, 2007 > > Dear Mr Oracle, > > After comparing bids from several providers, we have concluded that > the ROI of meeting your demands far exceeds the return from any other > proposal we have seen. Your succinct, if unconventional, request for > "100 gallons of soy sauce, in single serving packets" was calculated > by our accountants to be far cheaper than the closest competitive bid. > > We at Acme Telephone Sterilizers like to be on the cutting edge of > progress and are excited about how your all-knowning mind can provide > us with valuable marketing data to assist in the expansion of our > business. Your further assurance that being omniscient would allow > you to give far more accurate results than conventional surveying only > added to our confidence that you are the best choice for the job. > > Please provide us with the following statistics and we will follow up > with your soy sauce delivery. > > > Percentage of US population with a land-line telephone in the house > > Percentage of US population that own a cell-phone > > Percentage of US population that regularly washes behind their ears > > Percentage of US population that uses a telephone once or more per day > > Percentage of daily US telephone users who use a telephone shared with > others > > Percentage of US telephone users that do not wash behind their ears > > Percentage of US telephone users with unhealed ear peircings > > Percentage of US telephone users who have in the last month used a > phone previously used by someone with an unsanitary ear state > > Percentage of US telephone users who have in the last month used a > phone previously used by someone with an unsanitary ear state, and > that phone belonged to their employer > > Average income of US telephone users > > Average profit of companies that employee telephone users > > Number of telephones (cell phone or land-line) in US households > > Number of telephones (cell phone or land-line) in US businesses > > > Thank you for your swift attention to this matter. > >                      Sincerely, >                      Andrew P. Corroon

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                                       Oracular Consulting, Inc }                                       The Oracular Temple }                                       150 S. Woodlawn Ave. }                                       Bloomington, IN 47405-7104 }                                       May 21, 2007 } } Dear Mr Corroon, } } We at Oracular Consulting are overjoyed to hear of your decision to } utilize our services, as we of course new you would. You are quite } correct in your assessment that my omniscient mind allows our results } to be far more accurate than our competition. } } However, I am afraid that you may have misinterpreted the previously } stated cost of our services. If you more carefully read the original } proposal, you will find that the request was in fact "100 gallons of } soy sauce, in single serving packets, PER QUESTION" (Capitals added for } emphasis). I would also like to bring your attention to the relevant } footnote, "Further costs may be demanded, by the Oracle, at the whim of } the Oracle, on a PER QUESTION basis." } } These important points having been raised, I will now be more than } happy to provide you with the required statistics. } } 84.2015% of the US population has a land-line telephone in the house. } You owe the Oracle 500 Tonnes of sushi. } } 86.90456% of Americans own a cell phone. } You owe the Oracle 500 gallons of wasabi sauce. } } Sadly only 20.62% of the US population wash behind their ears more than } twice in their lifetime. } You owe the Oracle 20,000 gallons of Sake. } } 92.8624% of the US population use a telephone once or more a day. } You owe the Ocacle a traditional kimono for Lisa. } } 74.8135% of US telephone users share a phone with others. } You owe the Oracle an authentic Katana. } } 97.63485% of US telephone users don't wash behind their ears. } You owe the Oracle a full set of traditional Japenese Samuri armour. } } 40.2315% of US phone users have unhealed ear peircings. } You owe the Oracle a well conditioned Yumi. } } 99.99456% of US phone users have, in the last month, used a phone } previously used by someone with an unsanitary ear state. } You owe the Oracle a guide to the art of Kyudo. } } 94.264% of the above were using phones belonging to their employer. } You owe the Oracle a wakizashi. } } The average US phone users has an annual income of US$56,067. } You owe the Oracle the hat worn by the fifth emporer of Japan. } } The average profit of companies that employ telephone users is } US$40,000,042. } You owe the Oracle 50 original haikus. } } There are 422144344 telephones in US households. } You owe the Oracle a 1000 word essay on the beauty of the lotus } blossom. } } There are 851348861 telephones in US businesses } You owe the Oracle a guide book to every known style of kung fu. } } As well as the individual costs for each question, please don't forget } to send the 13,000 gallons of soy sauce. Prompt payment will be greatly } appreciated. } } Sincerely, } The Internet Oracle

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What happens when two omniscient beings play chess? > >  [The chessboard is set up] > > Orrie: Draw in 1247 moves. > > Orrie 2: Good show, wanna play again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Orrie: Ok. } } [3 Centuries Later] } } Orrie 2: Draw in 1247 moves. Good game. Again? } } [3 Centuries Later] } } Orrie: Draw. 1247 moves. Brilliant on that last part, almost thought I } got you. Let's go again. } } [3 Centuries Later] } } Orrie 2: Draw, 1247 moves. I like your first 545 moves, as good as I } would have done. New game? } } [3 Centuries Later] } } Orrie: Another draw, 1247 moves. Think this is getting boring? } } Orrie 2: It's better than tic-tac-toe. } } Orrie: Oh well. Draw in 1247 moves. I still can't stop wondering how } you pulled off that last part. Well actually I do know how. This } omniscient business makes me want to kill myself. } } Orrie 2: Want me to help? } } Orrie: Sure, but you won't. I'm due to die in 364 million years. } } Orrie 2: I know. Wretched isn't it? I've got 560 billion left. } } Orrie: Of course you do. Play again? } } Orrie 2: Fine.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Clever and Romantic Oracle, who serenades are the siren-songs that > call all Lisa's to fall at your feet, please glance my way and > enlighten me on the following question: > > Will he or won't he?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} He will, but he will be arrested for it, charged with a misdemeanor, } and sentenced to time served plus 10 days of community service. } } You owe the Oracle a mug shot of Paris Hilton with a moustache drawn on } it.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle requires a   and a   and a    mailed directly to the } Oracle's home address, which is    by   .

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ohh almighty oracle, mightiest of the mighty, please awnser my humble > question... > > If i were born withouth hands or feet, what would my ID card look like? > How would they get my fingerprints?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Quadruple amputees have ID cards with nose-prints on them. It's a } little known fact that nose-prints are as unique as fingerprints. } There are advantages to nose-prints, too: very few people are willing } to use acid to burn off the tip of their nose, for one thing; plus, } fingerprints tend to be all greasy from Twinkie binging. } } There's been some talk of using nose-prints as a form of federal ID, } but the fundamentalists own Congress so it can't get out of committee. } Apparently certain religious groups are afraid that federal nose } printing would be the harbinger of a New World Odor. } } You owe the Oracle the life of Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of oracles, Sage of sages, Scribe of scribes and Teacher of > teachers, please take a moment to speak wisdom to a humble supplicant. > > The Internet Oracle FAQ has a single (33-word) quote from Paul > Vale'ry. I know that there's a university in France named after him - > but that's all I know. > > Who was he? What noteworthy things has he done in his lifetime? If he > spoke French, why is the quote in the FAQ in English? Why was the > l'Universtite Paul Vale'iry named after him? What else can you tell me > about him?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should consult the IAQ (Infrequently Asked Questions). } } You can find it's location in the ITAQ (Impossible To Answer Questions) } } You owe the Oracle an ETAQ