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} God spoke to Noah, saying, "Men are very wicked, and I have decided to
} do away with them. But you are righteous, so you shall be saved." And
} Noah said, "Wow. What are you going to do with the rest then? Plague?
} Rains of fire?"
}
} And God said, "No, I shall command a great flood. It shall rain for
} forty days and forty nights." Noah said, "Yeah? And what am I going to
} do for all this time? How am I going to escape drowning?" And God said,
} "You shall build an Ark. And you shall build it three hundred cubits in
} length, and fifty in breadth, and thirty in height."
}
} And Noah said, "Say what? That's bloody enormous! How am I going to
} build something that big? Where will I get that much wood? I can't
} afford that much wood, and it'll take me months to cut that many trees.
} And speaking of which, what's going to happen to all the plants and
} animals? Are they all going to snuff it?" And God said, "No, that's the
} other thing. I need you to get two of every bird and animal and plant,
} and store them on your Ark."
}
} And Noah said, "Yeah, right. While I'm busy clear-cutting and sawing
} and making sure this damn Ark's watertight, I've also got to traipse
} all over the place and capture animals and take plant samples and
} whatever, all to put on this Ark. And you expect me to fit them all in?
} Even if I could build it as big as you wanted it, which I can't,
} there's no way I'm fitting them all in there. Did you think about how
} much they all weigh? What about keeping them alive? How do I stop the
} carnivores snacking on the other animals? How much feed do I need to
} stop all the plants being eaten? How do I manage all the different
} survival needs of these bloody things? Seriously, wouldn't it be much
} simpler for me to just move to higher ground?"
}
} And God took a deep breath and said, "No, that won't help. The flood
} will reach the highest mountaintops."
}
} And Noah said, "Pull the other one. In forty days, you're going to make
} it rain enough to cover mountains? Have you any idea how fast the water
} would need to rise for that to happen? How is any boat going to stay
} afloat in that? Where the hell are you getting this much water from,
} anyway? Where's it all going to go when the rain stops? If this is
} going to cover the whole world, does that mean I have to go and collect
} animals from places completely unknown to me? And when all this is
} over, I'll have to return them to where they came from? And what about
} genetic depth? If you're starting again from two individuals, within a
} few generations everything will be so mutated it won't survive long
} anyway. Did you think this plan out at all? If you're so bloody clever,
} Mr. Wonderful, why can't you sort this mess out yourself?"
}
} And God said, "Nuts to this." And he did smite Noah and all the other
} humans, and started afresh, with someone who hopefully wouldn't talk
} back so much. But he put in the story about the flood anyway just to
} cover his tracks.
}
} You owe the Oracle the story of Jesus before they retconned that Judas
} guy into the baddie.
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