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} Aha, so that's why the cat's had so little luck catching the birds in
} my birdbath. Where did I make Zadoc fill this again?
}
} Only a fool would assume that you were trying to make your dog drink
} from this well, which is clearly impossible. It's already dead so you
} can't even lead it to water, let alone make it drink. However, I
} notice you mention your girlfriend, which wouldn't be relevant in that
} case. Thinking well of my supplicants, I'll assume you're relevant in
} your question. I could deduce, and then redundantly confirm through
} omniscience your actual plan. That would be less fun. Let us
} contemplate possible plans and their pros and cons.
}
} Plan: Commit suicide, and then you can visit if you ever change your
} mind.
} Pros: Entering heaven (ignoring suicide issues), you might become less
} depressed. Alternatively, it might be so mind-numbingly dull you'd do
} anything to leave. A win-win situation.
} Cons: Plan is dubious, unless well is in heaven as well as earth, and
} why would you be contemplating suicide if heaven is earth?
}
} Plan: Assuming their existence, become a zombie/vampire, lead all other
} zombies/vampires in a cult suicide, and then return self to life.
} Pros: Rids the world of undead, return world-renowned champion, avoid
} nasty kool-aid.
} Cons: Undead is a clear rephrasing of "life", and thus well is unlikely
} to work. Your book about the subject would be deemed unoriginal and
} sell badly. This plan would probably not appeal to said girlfriend.
}
} Plan: Drink from the well in hopes that it will make you so vibrantly
} alive your girlfriend will take you back.
} Pros: Could additionally return life to certain other areas that may
} have accelerated breakup.
} Cons: Drinking from pools in hopes of positive random effects ring any
} danger bells?
}
} Plan: Put your girlfriend in danger, raise her to life after.
} Pros: Girlfriend will be thankful to her savior for the rest of her
} life.
} Cons: There's a good risk she'll be saved by a superhero first and
} never commit. Also, depending on religious sect, does your preacher
} have an ideal girlfriend?
}
} Plan: Revenge on girlfriend via army of raised soldiers.
} Pros: Girlfriend unlikely to raise counterarmy.
} Cons: Quartering soldiers is illegal in the United States. Food and
} housing have to come from somewhere (unless you're REALLY heartless).
} Also, high risk of maniacal laughter.
}
} Plan: Restore your girlfriend's long-lost brother/great-aunt/parakeet
} to live
} Pros: This one might win over your girlfriend without making you live
} in eternal guilt.
} Cons: Long-lost means there's probably not much left to make drink.
}
} Plan: Restore your dog to life, and win a showdog competition.
} Pros: Chicks totally dig cute dogs.
} Cons: Your dog is unlikely to be cute after being physically dragged
} around, deceased, to "far away", dropped down a well, and brought back
} to life (to say nothing of the fleas). Similarly, your dog is unlikely
} to win the dog show.
}
} Overall, it seems like your best bet is to bury your dog like a normal
} person and move on.
}
} You owe the Oracle a map of Milford, Ohio.
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