} You and your wife, I understand, had twin baby daughters yesterday and
} now you want to know whether that's what you really you ordered. You
} do not remember whether you asked for daughters or sons, so you want
} to make sure. After all, it was 9 months ago when you ordered. These
} storks take a while. You are indeed very forgetful in other, more
} important matters as well. For instance, you have forgotten to tie
} your shoe laces today. And you forgot to speak to your Oracle in
} proper humble tones. Being a generous Oracle I am, and you being a new
} father, I will be lenient and answer your question.
}
} Luckily, International Stork and Cabbage corporation keeps very good
} records. Unluckily I hear ISC has notoriously difficult customer
} service. Your Oracle will make the attempt. I know how to handle these
} things. I know how to talk to them, asking clear questions and using a
} calm, gentle, but authoritative voice. It should only take a few
} minutes.
}
} *dial the number on the Oracle Phone*
}
} Phone: Welcome to the International Stork and Cabbage Customer Service.
}
} Oracle: Hello, I am the Internet Oracle. I would like to--
}
} Phone: All our lines are busy right now. There are 170134 people ahead
} of you in the queue. Please consider calling us at another time.
}
} Oracle: Oh shoot.
}
} *click*
}
} I will use mastery of time and space to pick a less busy time and try
} again. Let's travel forward in time!
}
} *ZAPP*
}
} *dial again*
}
} Phone: Welcome to the International Stork and Cabbage Customer
} Service. All our lines are busy right now. There are 21534 people
} ahead of you in the queue. Please consider calling us at another time.
}
} Oracle: That's even more! Okay, I'm going to wait this time.
}
} Phone: Your call is very important to us. Please wait.
}
} Oracle: I'll handle some email while I'm waiting... Put it on speaker
} phone so I can type... Let's see.
}
} Phone: *Muzak*
}
} Oracle: Argh, why do they even play music through a phone line? It's
} not going to be anything but horrible even if it were good music!
} Anyway.. back to email...
}
} Oracle: Hmmm.. no grovel... All right, I'm going to answer him anyway.
} Yes, the laser death cannon is the best investment.. Da dum.. Da dum
} da dam.. Ah, an easy one. It was the other rabbit that was the
} murderer...
}
} Phone: This is International Stork and Cabbage. Thank you for waiting.
}
} Oracle: Ah, finally. Look, I'm the Internet Oracle and I--
}
} Phone: Unfortunately there are still 21507 people ahead in the queue.
} Your call is VERY important to us. Please wait.
}
} Oracle: *grumble*.
}
} Phone: *music*
}
} Oracle: Okay, next email. Let's see...Mmm... Sorry madam, but that's a
} question for Bill Cosby, not the Oracle.... Forwarded. Next. Mmmm
} mmmm. Hey, wow, this one has a proper grovel. "I am certain you will
} be surprised to recive this mail from me, indeed, I sincerely
} apologize for the embarrassment this might cause you." Good and old
} fashioned. It brings a smile to my face. "However, I wish to state,
} that it is sincerely necessitated by my present plight and I pray you
} will readily be of tremendous assistance." It's okay, I answer
} questions every day. An interesting Nigerian business offer... Yes, Mr
} BENJAMIN MABUKO, I will gladly wire the required advance fee to any
} Western Union branch you may require. Yes, my dear supplicant, I know
} it is a scam. It just amuses me to support them. Dadum dadum.. Ah,
} there is Madam ABACHA again. She too will received the required funds.
} What's this? ARGHHH W*dch*k question! ZZZZZOT! Next...
}
} Phone: This is International Stork and Cabbage. Thank you for waiting.
} We really care about your call. There are still 21508 people ahead in
} the queue.
}
} Oracle: That's one more than last time! What's this? Someone is
} cutting in ahead of me? Let's see, what was that code again? Ah, yes.
} *enter code on phone*
}
} Phone: This is Echelon Backdoor, revision 47A.
}
} Oracle: YES!
}
} Phone: Press 1 to listen in on conversations. Press 2 to examine or
} manipulate the queue. Press 3 to fire the orbital--*beep* You have
} selected 2: examine or manipulate the queue. Press 1 to jump ahead in
} the queue. Press 2 to examine the queue. Press 3 to--*beep* You have
} selected 2: examine the queue. Press 1 to see who is in the queue.
} Press 2 to get the total queue length. Press 3 if you want to go
} back--*beep* You have selected 1: see who is in the queue. Please
} enter the number in the queue you want to examine and then #.
}
} Oracle: Let's test this thing. *21509#*
}
} Phone: Number -- 21509 -- in the queue is: the Internet Oracle. Press
} 1 to contact, press 2 to select another queue entry--
}
} Oracle: Pretty good! Now to see who cut ahead... *21508#*
}
} Phone: Number -- 21508 -- in the queue is: caveman Og. Press 1 to
} contact, press--
}
} Oracle: WHAT!? Let's see what he wants?
}
} Phone: *beep* You selected 1: contact caveman Og. Please wait.
}
} Oracle: This is International Stork and Cabbage, I'm Peggy, how may I
} help you?
}
} Phone: Og speak. Og want know why baby head shaped wrong.
}
} Oracle: Shaped wrong, sir?
}
} Phone: Yes, Og see baby head all big and round. Normal head flat and
} smaller. Og worry.
}
} Oracle: Oh, that's just human evolution. Probably homo sapiens.
}
} Phone: Og not understand.
}
} Oracle: We're always improving our systems for better customer
} satisfaction, sir. Due to improvement in our transportation technology
} storks drop babies on the head almost 79 percent less than before.
} This explains the different shape.
}
} Phone: Og understand. Og will bounce babies after delivery to make head
} normal.
}
} Oracle: May I ask you a question for customer research reasons, sir?
}
} Phone: Og ok.
}
} Oracle: Did you do something special when you dialed us?
}
} Phone: Yes, Og one night got drunk with Oracle, and Oracle gave very
} secret code for phones. Og now use code all the time.
}
} Oracle: What? I did?--*cough* I mean, sir, a code?
}
} Phone: Og will share code for helping Og with question. Code is--
}
} Oracle: Uhh. That will be all right sir. Thank you and good bye!
}
} Phone: *beep* you selected--
}
} Oracle: let's get this over with...
}
} Phone: *beep* you selected--*beep*You selected queue manipulation.
} Press 1 to jump ahead to the front of the queue. Press--*beep* You are
} now number -- 1 -- in the queue.
}
} Oracle: Finally!
}
} Phone: This is International Stork and Cabbage.
}
} Oracle: Finally! Now, I have a question about--
}
} Phone: There are 28887 people ahead of you in the queue. Please wait.
} We really care about you and your question!
}
} Oracle: What?! This is queue is crazy. It goes back and forth... Let's
} do some more time travel. Should've done it a long time ago. *ZAPP*
}
} Phone: -- 27999 people-- *ZAPP* -- 267123 -- *ZAPP* -- 24158 -- *ZAPP*
}
} Oracle: now we're getting somewhere...
}
} Phone: There are 21712 -- *ZAPP* -- 31444 --
}
} Oracle: What? Increasing again? Reverse timeflow! *PPAZ*
}
} Phone: 11711 -- *PPAZ* -- 7718 -- *PPAZ* -- 9221 --
}
} Oracle: No you don't! *ZAPP*
}
} Phone: 513 -- *ZAPP* -- 42 -- *ZAPP* -- 12 -- *ZAPP* -- 14 -- *PPAZ*
} -- 5 -- *ZAPP* -- 1 -- ... Um, hello, who is this?
}
} Oracle: I'm the Internet Oracle and I have a question.
}
} Phone: A question?
}
} Oracle: Aren't you International Stork and Cabbage?
}
} Phone: Um, yeah...
}
} Oracle: So I have this question...
}
} Phone: Why?
}
} Oracle: Because I need to know something! I answer questions all the
} time, it's not very hard. Isn't this customer service?
}
} Phone: Well, yeah, officially, but nobody ever calls this line...
}
} Oracle: What do you mean, nobody ever calls this line? You have
} thousands of people queuing up!
}
} Phone: Sure, in the queue. That doesn't mean we let them out and make
} our phones ring...
}
} Oracle: Now, about my question, it's from a Mr. Lishang, relating to
} your recent delivery to his household.
}
} Phone: We don't really answer customer questions.. We have a strict
} no-return policy anyway. I don't know how you got through, but--
}
} Oracle: Now LISTEN TO ME, you mortal! I am getting really tired of
} this! Do I have to zot you? Just answer my simple question!
}
} Phone: Well, if you're not going to make a habit out of it...
}
} Oracle: I will decide how many questions I get to ask! I'm the
} INTERNET ORACLE! I'm *this* close to zotting you! ANSWER MY
} QUESTION!!!
}
} Phone: You don't have to get all stroppy about it... I already said I
} was going to answer..
}
} Oracle: Well, Mr. Lishang wants to know whether he asked for
} daughters, or perhaps sons. He can't remember himself.
}
} Phone: Let me look it up in the computer... No doubt about it... It's
} certainly daughters. Delivered yesterday 15:07 UTC by Stork Employee
} 17, extra large dual head cabbage.
}
} Oracle: That's all I wanted to know. Thank you.
}
} Phone: You're welcome, I guess...
}
} *click*
}
} That answers your question, then. You asked for daughters, not sons,
} and they sent them to you as requested. Don't make me go through that
} again. Write it down somewhere next time.
}
} You owe the Oracle your daughters, in give or take 25 years.
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