Goto:

1432, 1432-01, 1432-02, 1432-03, 1432-04, 1432-05, 1432-06, 1432-07, 1432-08, 1432-09, 1432-10

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In 108-02, your majesty explained why the sky was blue, but for some > reason, God inexplicably became Gid.  What was that for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As I have told you supplicants before, and reminded you frequently, } your Oracle is not God. Big G and I are acquainted, but we go out } separate ways. He and I are both Omniscient (it's a toss-up which of us } is omniscienter), but He is Omnipotent and I am not. } } That means there are things I cannot do, and I am permitted to make } mistakes, while He is stuck with the Problem of Evil. } } I could tell Him how to avoid the Problem, but then I would be stuck } with it, and He would have to answer all these stupid questions. As it } is, He's only gotta answer prayers, which is a lot easier. (First of } all, He gets to catalogue them, where I've got Kinzler and his damned } software tracking all my responses. Sheesh.) } } Occasionally God has a Giddy moment. It's allowed. He's omnipotent.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> They're simply beautiful.  So how do I tell her without offending her?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Simply gaze into them. } } Oh, I see you are shorter than I am. Stop gazing, and get a stepstool. } Stand on it, and gaze into her eyes, which are also simply beautiful.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My gramma tells me I should say WHOM instead of WHO, like, instead of > >    Who did you give it to? > > she wants > >    To whom did you give it to? > > or stuff like that. > > So alright I'll do that. > > But what I want to know is whom invented this way of talking and whym?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Reverend Green, in the kitchen with a banana - accusative } Nobel Peace Prize - Inventor of the automatic banana peeler - } nominative } Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow } yours? - dative } It was a dark and stormy night - The first line of the book that taught } me everything I know about grammar. } } You owe the Oracle a book on German grammar.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I too will write in invisible ink that our recipe exchange may be } secure: } } } } } } } } } } Serves six. } } Hm.  You owe the Oracle some more ink.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> man!  those old digests really are something, aren't they?  any advice > for a starting out incarnation?  i mean, really!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are two basic rules of thumb that can get you very far: } } One, do not simply aim below the belt if you have a momentary lack of } inspiration. Better passing the question on to another incarnation than } aiming for cheap laughs. } } Second, and above all, do not try too hard to be funny. Humor is seeing } the similarity in the dissimilar, or, in other words, metaphore. And, } like a pancake with blueberry sauce, a bad metaphore will always come } back and swiftly punch you in the groin with brass knuckles.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh gawd, why'd she have to pass by me in the googlie eyes > section of the craft store with her hair in her mouth, that's so > sexy. Why doesn't such a huge store have any reasonable graph paper?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ignore her, she's been planted there to distract you and make your } forget what you were there for in the first place.  As for the lack of } graph paper; it was banned in 2001 by the PATRIOT act to stop terrorist } plots. } } You owe the oracle a healthy sense of paranoia.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O! Great and mighty oracle who's name, when called echoes as if > down a vast and dimly lit hallway, even when so such hallway exists. > Oracle who's very existence is proof that g-d himself... well proof > of something REALLY BIG anyway... O! (racle (!)) who's boundless > knowledge of time and space goes right d own to whether the cat is > alive or not... Great Oracle who is just a really s well guy. I'd say > hoopy, if I had an inkling that anybody (Besides of course the great > and mighty Oracle who's knowledge is as one with the expanses of th > e continuum)remembered what hoopy was.(Renting the DVD DOES NOT COUNT > OKAY!?) O! O!R!A!C!L!E!  Please stoop to muddy depths and tell me: > > I'm in love. She's perfect. I have never been with anything like > her before. She's so sleek, so elegant, so sexy. When I touch her... > I mean... run my f ingers over her smooth silky form, feel that > sweet hot breath..  Unnnnghhhhh H OT! I.. I... I just want to give > her what she needs to thrive in this world..  I mean it's valentines > day tomorrow and... and...  I want to give her something truly special. > > So...  Ubuntu 7.10 server? or should I just get her a nice new Fedora? > > .. a pair of the nicest cores you have ever seem... gggggllllll..... > mmmmmm mmmmm :)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Whoa, there, tiger.  Just stick to a box of chocolates.  Better yet, } make that a bag of "Tootsie Rolls".  Sound good?  Awright?  Awright. } } You owe me...I mean, you owe YOURSELF some therapy.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ...I know what it looks like, but this is not a pipe.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are correct. There are other forms of redirection. The greater-than } sign redirects the output to a named file. } } You owe the Oracle /nev/dull.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most wise and revered, please de-riddle me this: > > Why is it that most people can't tell the difference between irony, > sarcasm and cynicism?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Heck, people can barely tell love from hate. Grasping } the fine line between those three concepts requires } a bit of finesse. } } But, fear not, common ordinary mortal. The ever wise } Oracle exists solely to make such things clear as crystal } clean water laced with life giving soil. } }   ====================================================== } } Irony: When the total opposite occurs of what is intended }         or expected. } } Examples: } } * John Hinckley missed Ronald Reagan with everyone }    of the bullets he fired, but the president ends up }    wounded when one round bounced off the bullet proof }    windows of his Secret Service car and hit him. } } * When cigar smoking, vodka swilling grandmothers in the }    Urals who have never been to a doctor a day in their lives }    make it to 100 years old while health freaks die from heart }    attacks while exercising before they turn 30. } } * The fact Ray Charles has never gone on a blind date. } }   =========================================================== } } Sarcasm: When people say the opposite of what they mean }           to make a point. (note: sarcasm works even better }           in email or USENET than it does in real life) } } Examples: } } * Well, isn't that special! } } * Great! } } * I'm so happy for you. } } [ See how much funnier those are in print than in real life?] } }   =========================================================== } } Cynicism: [ Disclaimer: The Oracle was a drinking buddy }              of Antisthenes so his views on this subject }              are a tad skewered -- Editor ] }            Cynicism is the observation that people are }            motivated by self-interest and the application }            of this fact to all facets of life. } } Examples: } } * When someone asks how you are, they really are trying to }    ascertain if you are in a weakened condition in case they }    decide to kill you on the spot. } } * Mothers kiss their children so they can covertly taste }    the little brats in case they decide to kill one on the }    spot and eat which ever one of them is most flavorable at }    that moment in time. } } * Whenever someone offers a woman a seat on the bus it's just }    because they want to have a person with a soft subdermal }    layer of fat to land on as a cushion in case there is a }    wreck. Killing and eating the person afterwards. } }   ========================================================= } } You owe the Oracle Ambrose Bierce's head on a paper plate. } And a fork. And a knife. And some soy sauce or mustard.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am the real Oracle! You are just an IMPOSTER!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes! } } Here's the keys to the temple. And, here, let me } write it on a Post-it Note... here's the password } for root on the servers. Hmm, Lisa will be back } from her sister's Thursday. Of course as the New } Oracle you knew all this already, just conveying } info as a professional courtesy. } } I'll just run up my bedroom, YOUR bedroom now, and } grab a few personal things and whoosh! Be on my way. } } Have fun! } } Oh. } } And no tags back. It's all yours Big Fella. It's all } yours. } } You owe yourself a few seconds of peace before the } fans hit, if you catch my drift... but of course you } do, you catch all now. You're The Oracle. } } } Free! I. Am. FREE!! Woo-hoo. } } bye