Goto:

1436, 1436-01, 1436-02, 1436-03, 1436-04, 1436-05, 1436-06, 1436-07, 1436-08, 1436-09, 1436-10

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the Bible considered so inspired? If you look at the Old > Testament especially some parts of it seem less holy than Saradomin in > Runescape or paganism. All this stuff about paying silver to marry the > maiden you raped and all the fighting and empty rituals and nothing at > all about falling in love or how beautiful nature is, which (the > nature) is mentioned in passing mostly only because they were > surrounded by the stuff. Eh, what do you expect, given how everyone > was at the time.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeah, it's rough in there.  Let's look at the top ten exciting things } in the Bible, shall we?  That should shed a little light on the subject } of why people think it's so inspired. } } 10) Bellringar and Belshazzar dress up as each other to fool a pen pal } who has come for a first date with Bellringar.  Hilarity. } } 9) Daniel ends up in the lion's den for refusing to tip his hat to the } capitalist factory-owner.  Mini-series. } } 8) Adam and Eve's Serpentine Love Triangle - who will win the hand of } fair Eve?  Stay tuned! } } 7) Lot's crazy daughters can hear their biological clock ticking.  Will } they find a man in time? } } 6) "Curse God and Die" - a made-for-TV movie based on the life of Job. } Musical comedy with some dark elements.  Not for children or depressed } people. } } 5) Not Without My Feedbox.  A documentary about the charges of neglect } filed against Joseph and Mary after their child was found half-crazed } in a pile of grain. } } 4) What Not to Hair - Absalom gets a makeover and finally has his hair } done in this stunning episode.  You know that he'll be more successful } now that he can show off his figure. } } 3) My Little Riverbabe - Pilot.  Egyptian queen pulls an abandoned baby } out of the river  - but she gets more than she bargained for! } } 2) Can stem-cell research restore life to the dry bones?  Dr. E. Zekiel } talks about the latest findings. } } And the number one show on the all-Inspiration network is: } } 1) American Idol.  Golden calves, foals, and other animals compete to } see who shines best. } } Well, I feel inspired.  Don't you? } } You owe the Oracle a pillar of garlic powder and Rachel Ray.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What the...?  Was I doing it or wasn't I?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yea, verily, ancient history reporteth thou shalt } remembereth thine Eleventh Commandment, "Don't get } caught." } } Remember the first commentary, "Don't admit you're } doing wrong UNLESS it's likely you've gotten caught or } are seriously suspected of something, then, if } possible, don't try to get away with total innocence, } admit to something less guilty looking or a lesser } offense, that way they actually tend to respect you as } a stand-up guy." } } So if possible, if it's bad, claim you didn't do it; } if it's good, claim you did.  But that can't be right, } there has to be one answer, so I will try again. } } The Oracle has taken substantial effort and trouble to } try and solve this otherwise insoluble puzzle, and has } used the most powerful and effective method of problem } solving known to man, the common coin, and using a } randomizing procedure known as a "toss" has come up } with the true and definitive answer to your question. } } Tails. } } You owe the Oracle $2.00 since I have to get some } profit over the quarter I had to use to solve this } question.  Don't give me any guff about still having } the quarter, just pay the two bucks.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is the Dolly Llama?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Dolly Llama: for when you *really* need to get a piano up the } Himalayas!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh authorized super genius, smarter than coyotes and more dexterous > than cats!  Master behind Acme! > > Who would win a race between Speedy Gonzales and the Roadrunner?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your question has caused a massive rift in the sea of } tranquility to which The Oracle normally floats, as it } is causing a massive dissension.  I wasn't sure, and } before I could answer, The Flying Spaghetti Monster } claimed Road Runner would win, and The Invisible Pink } Unicorn is betting on Speedy. } } I asked Satan, and he walked away in disgust, saying } he wasn't getting in between a fight between FSM and } IPU, it was bad enough when he sided with me over the } Kevin Smith movie "Dogma" and IPU was mad at both of } us for a week for saying we liked her portrayal by } Alanis Morissette. } } So I decided to use the most complicated selection } system I can think of: I tossed a coin.  The answer is } } Tails. } } You owe The Oracle a new quarter to replace the one he } used deciding your question.  What do you mean, I } still have the quarter?  Just shut up and pay the two } bits.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, to whom "Equivelent Exchange" does not apply (unless he > wants it to) > > How does one make the "Philosiper's Stone"? > > -Edward Elric

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your spelling is atrocious, but I'll let that pass... this time. } } The "Philosniper's Stone" (Philosniper: lit. "lover of long-distance } killing") is a magical stone that is guaranteed to bash your target's } brain out when you throw it no matter how far away he is. First } crafted by David prior to his battle with the Philistine Goliath, the } recipe for creating such a stone has passed down the ages from } assassin to assassin. } } Fortunately for you, I happen to have a copy. } } In a silver basin blessed by a priest and forged by virgin hands, } place a hair of the target. Add two pints of children's tears } (extracted as you please), then simmer slowly, stirring once, } counterclockwise, every night at midnight. Add eye of newt, wing of } bat, heart of a lawyer, and a mushroom that was used as a stool for a } toad (careful: do not substitute a toadstool) after the first month; } continue stirring and simmering. Add a drop of your blood after } another month, then empty the container into a marble basin. Drop the } stone to be blessed into the basin and allow to steep until needed. } Season to taste. Serves one. } } Or you could just go out and buy yourself a rifle with a decent scope. } Your call.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There are two black bears roaming New Jersey.  Schools are closing, the > police are out in helicopters, it's a real mess. > > So my question is: how can we import some more bears?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Black Bear Black Market

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 1-191-999-2384

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *brrrng!* } } *brrrng!* } } *brrrclick!* "Ozymandias, King of Kings, look on my works ye mighty } and despair, how may I serve you?" } } "No, sir, you have the wrong number." } } "No, sir." } } "Sir, I can't help what number you were given." } } "No, sir, this is not the Oracle." } } "Sir, as I said, I can't help what number appears on their site." } } "I'm sorry, sir, we don't deal in woodchucks here." } } "That's right, sir." } } "Have a good day." } } *click!* } } You owe the Oracle free directory service.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I defeat the computer programmer?  He always is the death of > me, and I'm running out of quarters.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Voice Over: Today on "Truth Orrie Dares To Speak" } The Internet Oracle deals with the rising problem } of Geek Shops! } } [ scene: A dingy metal door in a wall at the end }    of an alley. A really, really dirty alley, all }    dark and, well, dirty. ] } } Oracle: Behind this door is a Geek Shop. A shop were }          hot babes throw away their dignity, their }          lives, their quarters just for a chance to }          gaze on A Geek! } } [ Dramatic Music as the Oracle enters the Geek Shop. }    On the walls are O'Reilly Manuals, LotR DVDs, pocket }    protectors and bare motherboards -- staring at these }    are some super hot, fine looking super models who lower }    their heads trying not to be noticed by the Oracle }    and the "Truth Orrie Dares..." camera crew. ] } } Oracle: These foxes are drawn here by the lure of }          geek. Some buy the geek gear you see on the }          walls, but the real attraction is just down }          that curtained hallway. If you have beautiful }          teenage daughters in the room we advise you }          to send them to their rooms to play with a }          Barbie doll, right now. } } [ The Oracle strides past the curtain. The hallway is }    lined with stalls. Stalls in which simply stunning }    women are dropping quarters into slots that then }    raise metal plates covered with lipstick marks. ] } } Oracle: On the other side of those plates are geeks. }          And these beautiful gals can't get enough. } } [ The Oracle stops by one stall. A bodacious honey }    drops in a quarter, the plate slides aside and we }    can see a geek sitting in a folding metal chair. ] } } Geek: So as I was saying it's a crime Portal didn't }        sweep the Computer Games awards for '07, oh }        sure it's not an FPS, but the way it bends physics }        with no regard for the conversation of energy }        is a riot! And the AI! Wow, it's whimsical and }        menacing at once, like the way MUD monsters used }        to be. I remember this one Mordor MUD that had this }        Little Match Girl NPC that... } } Super Model: OH! OH! OH! } } Oracle: Depraved? Yes. A threat to society? Maybe. We'll }          look further into these and other issues after }          this commercial message... } } [ Cut to commercial ]

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who would win in a fight, Beethoven or Edgar Allen Poe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They would both just sort of lie there.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Caesar is dead.  How interesting.  Who is Caesar?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Caesar was a salad. What little we know of him } comes to us through fragments of plays of yore, } that have survived the ravages of time. Below is } one such fragment: } } =======================================================} } ANTONY: } Friends, Romaine Lettuce, croutons, tine me your forks; } I come to eat a Caesar salad, not to toss him. } } CROWD: } The wilt! Lettuce the wilt! } } ANTONY: } Good taste is often inferred with/by sauce; } So let it be with Caesar! Your noble Waiter } Hath told your Caesar was coming soon: } If it were so, it was a grievous wait! } } CROWD: } The Wilt! Feed us the wilt! } } Soothsayer: } Beware the iceberg of head lettuce! } =======================================================} } } You owe the Oracle a really weird rainstorm and a noble } Porsche.