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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> !TOZ

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zadoc! Come here!!! } } - Yes, O extrasensory one, whose dandruff alone causes me to weep for } joy? I haste to thy presence so that my usual sloth does not betray a } sign of guilt. What have I done this time? } } Zadoc, look at this ZOT. } } - It's backwards, your incomprehensibleness. } } Do you think it might have reflected off of something? } } - The only thing that could reflect a ZOT is your Oracular Armour, and } it's safely locked in the, um, at least I think it was, um, you don't } really want me to talk about your Armour, do you? } } Zadoc, did you let anyone borrow my Oracular Armour? } } - Um, an itinerant armour polisher came by last week and offered to... } } YOU KNOW YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO POLISH IT YOURSELF! You fool, you let some } supplicant steal my armour! } } - Sir, it's not steel, it's Oracanium, and it's nearly self-polishing, } and the itinerant looked so helpless and harmless. It was just a little } work for him as an act of charity... } } I KNOW DAMNED WELL WHAT IT'S MADE OF. And I know what's going to happen } to both my armour polishers, you and the fake one. } } - No, no, not the Oracular Exchange Ray!!! You haven't used that since } the time you replaced Indiana University with the University of } Indiana. } } Zadoc, and you, too, supplicant, keep your eyes on the curly beam from } the Exchange Ray's turbo laser, lest you be injured. 3, 2, 1, 0. } [A nasty device goes phsvrtwzschwrszczwch.] } } Former Zadoc, you are now naught but a supplicant. Former supplicant, } you have been demoted to a trace of slime that bears the name Zadoc. } Return my Oracular Armour and we'll see about promoting you to a full } vat of slime.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which do you hate more--marmotiferous supplicants, or the woodchucks > they bring to you? > > Oh, and I don't have any. Look up my sleeves. No woodchucks. But you > knew that already.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} / TEMPLE COURTYARD.  The sun is setting behind the statue of the } Unknown Supplicant, casting long romantic shadows across the courtyard. } Somewhere a fountain trickles, leaves blow lazily as though a warm } summer breeze is blowing and a few birds twitter to one another. } Suddenly the leaves start fluttering more violently.  The light fades } to a uniform gloom and the birds stop singing.  Even the fountain is no } longer audible.  A figure appears in the gateway, looks around lazily } as though they own the place then strides across the courtyard and into } the temple.  Cut to:  TEMPLE INTERIOR.  The camera pans down the length } of the temple from what we infer to be the figure in the courtyard's } POV, focussing in on a large stone, obsidian and jade throne at the end } of a corridor of monstrously carved figures.  We briefly glance at some } of the columns and see donkey-headed eagles, crocodile tailed lemurs } and horned lions all eating or tormenting what appear to be marmots. } The camera shifts round to the side and the figure strides into the } view. He takes his staff and thumps it on the floor, once, twice, three } times, then kneels and bows his head. / } } Supplicant:  O oracle I beseech thee, answer my plea! } } / After a pause when nothing happens the supplicant lifts his head and } looks around. / } } Oracle:  Over here you idiot.  That's just for special occasions. } } / The supplicant picks himself up, sighs, then strides over to where } the oracle is sitting on an ergonomic chair that could pass as an } instrument of torture, behind a modern beech desk with a small sign } that says "Internet Oracle(tm) What do you want to know today?" The } supplicant pulls out a rather angular and uncomfortable looking } visitors chair and drops into it. / } } S:  O oracle I beseech thee, answer my plea! } } O:  [quickly] Before we begin I'd just like to clarify a few points } with you.  Oracular services are provided by Internet Oracle Services } Plc and are regulated by the Oracular Services Authority (registration } 93720-837983/72994/B)  IOS is a member of the Oracle Fraud } Anti-Register and as such may provide other members with details about } this transaction for the sole purpose of preventing Oracular Fraud.  By } entering into an oracular transaction with us you will take on certain } obligations and grant certain powers to IOS.  Your statutory rights as } a supplicant are not affected.  Do you understand? } } / The oracle stares at the supplicant who shifts uneasily in his seat. } } S: Er...yes I think so. } } / O:  Right so if I could just take a few personal details from you. } Name. } } S:  Seymour. } } O:  Surname. } } S:  Cummings.  Hey don't you know this stuff already? } } O:  [sniggering] You can ask your question in a moment.  This won't } take long.  Postcode. } } S:  [affronted] I didn't ask my parents to call me that!  Look do I } really have to answer this stuff?  I thought this was supposed to be } anonymous! } } O:  This is just for our marketing records.  So we can work out who's } asking questions and what type they are so we can target our marking } more effectively.  Your question will not be stored with your personal } data, only the question categorisation will remain on the system. } } S:  Well I don't want to answer any more questions.  I want to ask one! } } O:  [sadly] By gathering this data we can fully optimise the whole } question/answer experience.... } } S:  So that's a no then.  Can I ask my question now? } } O:  If I really can't persuade you.  It really will help us to improve } our service to you in the future. } } S:  Well I'm asking my question now, not later! [pause]  Which do you } hate more -- marmotiferous supplicants, or the woodchucks they bring to } you? } } O:  Hmmmm....... } } S:  Oh, and I don't have any. Look up my sleeves. No woodchucks.  But } you knew that already. } } /  The oracle's eyes open wide in astonishment and we pan to a shot of } the supplicant with a large and growing bump between his legs. / } } O: [aiming Staff of ZOT] Nothing up your sleeves indeed, but I knew } about the one you keep down your trousers.  [ZOTTING]  I think I hate } the supplicants more than the [stammering] w...w...w...what they bring } with them. [Briskly and businesslike] If you have any complaints about } your answer you are entitled to appeal against the answer through the } Answers Tribunal.  Complaints must be in writing within 28 days. } } / The oracle slaps a small brass bell by his right hand which causes } the smoking remains of the chair and supplicant to drop through the } floor and be replaced by another identical chair. / } } O:  Next!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Unfathomable, inexplicable, unknowable, infamous Oracle! > > I have undergone what zen-practitioners call the "ego-death", that is, > I have realized that the difference between "me", "the universe" and > "everybody else" is insubstantial. As a consequence, I now completely > lack egoistic or selfish thoughts. How do I best go about bragging > about this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The traditional method is to leave copies of "The Tao of Physics" } and "Blood Meridian" around a house decorated with "12 Monkeys" } posters and Chinese folding wall partitions decorated with koi } while you yourself wear organic sandals and tee shirts with } the "Blue Sun" logo on them while listening to "Visions of an } Emerald Beyond" and "Ghosts I-IV" play on a continuous loop from } hidden speakers behind your minimalist furniture and gun safes. } But this is not the path for you grasshopper, you seek a even } more subtle method of rubbing your Zen Nature in the face of } your inferiors. Sit. And contemplate this koan: } } A Zen Master comes home and finds that his humble mountain } shack has been ransacked by bandits. He pulls out his cell } phone and calls a number at random and tells the puzzled } person he reaches this, "They stole my things, but left the } view from my window of the setting sun on the snow swept peaks. } What foolish thieves." To which the person replied something } along the lines of "Huh?" To which the Zen Master bluntly } stated, "There was no one here to hear my blissfully astute } and obtuse observation. So I, your better no matter who you } are, called you, at random." To which the person said, "Like } anyone gives a hoot." And then the Zen Master would have been } enlightened if he hadn't been so full of himself. } } You owe the Oracle a hot dog with mustard, chili, ketchup, } relish, onions, paprika, wasabi, sauerkraut, those little } multicolored sprinkles they put on doughnuts and cupcakes, } some shreds of finely grated raw bacon, & a dollop of maple } syrup.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The human body doesn't seem to show much resistance when stretched 4.9 > meters. In 10 microseconds. Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We are terribly sorry for the inconvenience. A flaw has been } discovered in the latest version of humans, causing the effect you } noticed. Because of this flaw, humans which are stretched rapidly to } such lengths often experience discorporation. This bug has been fixed } in Humans Service Pack 4, which adds a genetic sequence which protects } your human from such effects. Additional improvements in SP4 include: }    -Now supports 'green' as a hair color. }    -Bladder now has a larger buffer, not needing to be cleared as often. }    -Previous versions had a bug which did not load intelligence } correctly if the human had blonde hair. This has been fixed. }    -Improved firewall, meaning less burns. }    -A bug caused many humans to enjoy reality TV. This has been fixed. }    -Humans will no longer send the null question. }    -Fixed a bug which caused many humans to not grovel to the Oracle. }    -There was a bug in pregnant women, in which an array overflowed } into the memory used for appetite, filling this with random and } erroneous values. This has been fixed. }    -Fixed several allergies. }    -Belly button no longer collects lint. }    -In rare cases, a human would want to become a priest of the } Oracle. This has been fixed. }    -Improved hygiene. } You can download Service Pack 4 from our website at } http://www.hum ans.com/service_pack_4. In the coming years we will } introduce a revolutionary new version, Humans 2012. Until then, Humans } XP is the perfect choice for your home or business.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Call Screener] KRKL! Can I help you? } } [Call Screener] ...Oh, you have a question for Oracle? What's the } question? } } [Call Screener] ...and your sister was still outside? Uh-huh... } } [Call Screener] ...Oh! I see! Yes, okay, hang on. You're on line 4. } } *click* } } [Oracle] ...without the water. } } [Moderator Tim] Drink it without the water! HA! HA! Priceless! } } [Caller] But will that cure it? } } [Oracle] It's going to cure tomorrow, whether you do this or not. }          But at least it won't show. } } [Moderator Tim] HA! It WON'T SHOW! I love it! Okay, thanks for calling. }                 Next on line 6 we have Alfred from Fresno.  Alfred? } } *dial tone* } } [Moderator Tim] Whoops! We lost Alfred. Too bad; that call looked }                 interesting. Let's go to line 2, we have Amanda from }                 Rancho Cucamonga. Amanda? } } [Amanda] Hi, Tim! } } [Moderator Tim] Hi, Amanda. What's your question? } } [Amanda] Hi, Oracle! } } [Oracle] Hello, Amanda. } } [Amanda] Hootie-hoo! } } [Moderator Tim] Amanda, what's your question? } } [Amanda] Permission to enter the room of brilliance? } } [Moderator Tim] Permission granted, Amanda. What's your question? } } [Amanda] And a shout-out to my neighbor Jon, I'm so excited to finally }          be on the air. } } [Moderator Tim] Fine. I hope you enjoyed that. Let's go to line 7, }                 we have Barbara from... no, we're late.  We have to }                 go to commercial first. When we come back, we'll hear }                 from Barbara on line 7. } } [Moderator Tim] And we're off the air. The commercials are playing. }                 Oracle, are you doing okay? Want some water, or }                 anything? } } [Oracle] No thanks, Tim. Can you believe that Amanda? } } [Moderator Tim] Happens all the time. I've learned to cut them off. } } [Oracle] Yes, very nicely handled. } } [Moderator Tim] Thanks. Okay, we got 40 more seconds... 20 more }                 seconds... 5... 4... 3... 2... } } [Moderator Tim] Welcome back. KRKL time is 9:48 AM, and we're here live }                 with the Internet Oracle until the 10 o'clock news. }                 I promised that when we got back we'd hear from Barbara }                 on line 7. } } [Barbara] Oracle, please forgive my lack of grovel but I'm kind of in a }           hurry. See, my friend Mike invited me to his house to go }           swimming. We had a great time in the pool for a couple of }           hours, but then Mike's football team showed up to give him a }           surprise birthday party. I didn't want to go home smelling }           like chlorine, so Mike said it would be okay if I took a }           shower before I left. I locked the restroom door, of course. }           But Mike's mother has a key. She's also deaf, when her hearing }           aid isn't on, and she doesn't see very well. I saw her come in }           and pick up the laundry basket, then leave. When I was }           finished with my shower, I realized that I don't have my }           clothes anymore ... or my swimsuit ... or a towel ... all I }           have is the wet washcloth. I'm totally naked! I tried calling }           out for help, but the party's getting pretty wild now ... }           nobody can hear me. All I have is my cell phone. I tried }           calling the house but the line was busy. How do I get }           someone's attention, so I can get them to bring my clothes }           back up, without flashing the entire football team? } } [Oracle] Oh, poor Barbara! That really is quite a bad situation you're }          in... those guys are starting to get drunk, and if they realize }          you're in the bathroom without any clothes... } } [Barbara] Yeah, I don't want to go there. } } [Oracle] The real tragedy is, there's a very simple solution to your }          problem ... but you're not going to hear it, because the }          battery in your cell phone is about to die. } } [Barbara] Oh, my god! You mean I'm... } } *click*   *dial tone* } } [Oracle] Oh well, I'm sure she'll figure something out. } } [Moderator Tim] I sure hope so. Okay, let's go to Supplicant on line 4. }                 Supplicant? } } [Oracle] Hello, Supplicant? } } [Moderator Tim] He didn't hang up... but I don't hear him talking. } } [Oracle] He put the phone down and walked away. } } [Moderator Tim] You don't have to be omniscient to figure that one out! }                 Okay, let's move on to Judy from Indiana on line 12. } } [Judy] Oracle most magnificent, your wisdom is brighter than the }        brightest of the bright! How do I remove soap from a VCR? } } [AllanW] } } You owe the Oracle a question.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do zombies love live human flesh?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dead flesh doesn't fight back with shotguns, and fire, } and wickedly conceived deadfall traps. You see zombies } want to be killed. Being undead sucks big time. You're } always rotting, your clothes cling to your body like wet } paper towels drenched in bacon grease, no one will let } you use their cellphone, and flowers slowly wilt as } you stare at them. This makes zombie existence like one } unending night of waiting outside the prom for a date } that never shows. } } You owe the Oracle five hundreds round of double-ought.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just found out my girlfriend is preggers. What do I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, YOU probably panic and say something callous and insensitive that } will ruin her opinion of you forever, regardless of what happens. } However, if you had an infinitesimal understanding of such things, you } would realize that any choice you have in the matter, other than voting } on abortion legislation, is purely illusory. You forfeited your right } to have a say in such when you grabbed that box of Saran Wrap and said, } "This should work, no problem." } } You owe the Oracle an explanation and a new box of Saran Wrap.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How come Rite-Aid only hires women cashiers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They don't snicker when people buy 4 tubes of KY-Jelly } and a turkey baster at the same time as they get their } Paxil prescription filled. } } You owe the Oracle a clean-up on question four.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > > What is wrong with my joystick?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I know what's worrying you, and yes, you're right to be concerned. } I'll keep on with your euphemism, since I see you're easily } embarrassed. } } Remember that wild LAN party you went to last month, and the girl you } met there?  Well, while you were playing on her system, you picked up } a virus.  It won't fry your PCB or anything like that, but as you've } noticed, the responsiveness you've come to expect has been compromised. } If you let the virus run its course, no one will want to play with you. } } If I were you, I'd take your issue to a qualified technician, pronto. } And next time, please, use some encryption when you plug into someone } else's USB port. } } You owe the Oracle a fragfest.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There are 3 female German cockroaches in a clear gallon jug with > a pinhole, two of them pregnant. I'm starting to have somewhat of > a collection here. Should I breed them? Get some males and more > containers as the population grows. The reason why I'm asking you > is there anything useful that could come of this? This is a solution > without a problem. Otherwise they could just be thrown out. I would > prefer financial, though amusing or some other beneficial would still > be acceptable.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, having them in your apartment saves you from having } to spend money on a huge neon sign that flashes, "I am an } unwed male away from home for the first time!" since it } conveys the same message just as clearly. } } You owe the Oracle a bright red convertible Jaguar.