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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do mermaids reproduce? Are the poor mermen reduced to fertilizing > a bunch of eggs that have been laid on a rock? Do the mermaids' > privates smell like humans?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, you've seen Disney's film "The Little Mermaid" with its } none too subtle plot where a young mermaid wants to have some } legs so she can make a prince happy. Hey, that's the plot The } Oracle didn't just make that up. It's kind of a raunchy story } line to foist on the young females that are its targeted } audience, but Disney isn't noted for subtlety in this regard. } (If you haven't seen 'Dumbo' in a long time watch it and be } stunned into silence at the extraordinary lengths it takes to be } more politically incorrect than 100 Late Night Andy Dick guest } appearances.) But now to answer your naughty little questions. } The Oracle has invited Neptune himself to make a cameo in this } answer, via Bubble-Phone. } } [ The Oracle thrusts his head into a nearby very large aquarium }    at the bottom of which instead of a silly little castle is a, }    well, a Bubble-Phone. ] } } Oracle: Thank you for joining us today Neptune. } } Neptune: Let's get this over with. } } Oracle: OK, first question:  How do mermaids reproduce? } } Neptune: When a merman and a mermaid love each other very }          much, and have known each other for a long, long }          time, and both of them have finished college, and }          have jobs, and their parents' permission - they }          marry. And then a miracle happens. } } Oracle: Erm, OK. Hmm. The next question reads as thus:  Are }         the poor mermen reduced to fertilizing a bunch of eggs }         that have been laid on a rock? } } Neptune: Zounds, Orrie what kind of sickos do you cater to? } } Oracle: Answer please. } } Neptune: Mermen are not some kind of horny salmon fighting their }          way upstream over moss covered boulders, past irate }          bears, to then be blinded by lust into spewing about }          on eggs left there by some she-bass or octostrumpet. }          We live under the sea, not below common decency and all }          that is moral and good!! } } Oracle: Next, do the mermaids' privates smell like humans? } } Neptune: Privates? Enlisted men would smell like humans yes, }          just as generals or admirals would. What a freaking }          bizarre question. Are we done yet? } } Oracle: Well, sort of I guess. But I don't think that the last }         question. . . oh never mind. Good show. Thank you Neptune. } } Neptune: <click> } } [ The Oracle looks a bit taken back, hangs up the Bubble-phone, }    and pulls his head out of the tank. ] } } There you go supplicant. We aim to please. No question, even sans } any hint of groveling like yours, is too lowly and sordid for us } to answer. You're most welcome! } } You owe the Oracle the cargo hold of the SS Laurentic.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Sagacious Oracle values merrymaking, revelry and social gaiety > please read my question with undue diligence! Oh Unbegotten First > Existent One! You are wise, yes wise indeed. The Oracle is ever full > of imperishableness and ineffable joycle and clever insights. Praise > his middle name and stand in awe of his shadowy being. > > Is there really a sleeping, soul eating, evil alien from outer space > laying in wait on some bleak islet in the South Atlantic?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Really? No. R'lyeh.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please describe Cleopatra's nose, the shape of which turned (so I am > told) destiny. Also give alternative destinies for other possible > shapes. Like suppose she'd looked like a horse?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Looking like a horse doesn't mean a woman can't change } history, nor turn the head of emperors and kings. Just } ask Camilla. } } You owe the Oracle a world where all the men are buff.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Expository but unexposed Oracle, how can you be sure you are never > injured by your own fearsome ZOT? Do oracles have protective underware, > like Mormons?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 'underware'? } } UnderWEAR made of Mormons isn't needed, the Oracle uses a concept } that is alien to street thugs with guns, men standing before a } commode, and 90% of the people playing Team Fortress -- He aims } at what he wants to hit. } } You owe the Oracle a trip to The Mountains of Madness.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, pal of Neptune, you that house-broke Pluto, promoter of the > Sirens on their last World Tour, please hear my question, > > Is zombie cucumber good in salads?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course it is! } } I'm going to follow up your question with a question though: } } What does a vegan zombie eat? } } Don't worry, I'm going to give you the answer too. } } Grrrrrraaaaaaiiiinnnnnnnsssssss!!!!! } } You owe the Oracle a better punchline.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most triumphant and pleasing Oracle, who thunders aloft and has his > dwelling most high. Attend thou with eye and ear, and make twisted > pair questions straight with righteousness. Wise Oracle do tell of > true things. > > Are humans alone in the Universe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Rise, my humble supplicant, and hear what I have to tell you. You seem } to have made a minor mistake. Yes, humans are, in fact, a loan *to* } the Universe. } } Allow me to explain. Thousands of years ago the Universe, or Jeff as } he prefers to be called, was getting pretty bored. You would be too, } if you existed for 13 billion years with no cable TV. He kept } complaining to God about it, to the point where God finally said, } "Alright, fine, what exactly do you want?!" } } Jeff asked for God to create some reality shows for him to watch, but } God refused on the grounds that He doesn't create evil. Jeff kept } pestering God. This was starting annoy The Big Guy a lot, so God } created entropy as a punishment for Jeff. (You wouldn't want to } constantly get more chaotic, would you? What? Oh, well, your universe } doesn't.) } } Anyways, God and Jeff were on pretty bad terms by then, and Jeff was } still mind-numbingly bored at the point, so he decided to look } elsewhere for help. } } Jeff did a little checking around, and found out that another } universe, Ashley, owed me a funny little species called humans, which } she had put on the table in a recent poker game. The three of us ended } up working out a deal where Jeff got to borrow humanity from me, Jeff } gave Ashley a few more than forty spiral galaxies, and Ashley gave me } a neat device which fires a concentrated quantity of electricity. I } had my eye on that thing for a while. } } I got an excellent deal. } } Jeff gets to keep you humans for a few hundred more years before I get } you back. I'll probably just try pawning you off to another universe, } or if that doesn't work, just get rid of you. After all, you don't } seem very valuable. All you ever do is go around killing each other } and making reality TV shows. It's nice to keep in touch with you and } dispense my wisdom, but I don't want to take care of you full-time. I } have better things to do. } } You owe the Oracle... nevermind, I'll have it in a few hundred years } anyway.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The entire world appreciates the wealth of knowledge contained in The > Internet Oracle's massive but miniaturized brain. Of course most people > unfortunately cannot access this vast fount of wisdom because they are > not supplicants. > > How can I best spread the word so that you get more and better > supplicants? Especially ones that don't screw up the incarnative > portion. (Like, I've about had it with idiotilizers, Bible thumpers, > and salesmen.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How to get more people involved in the Oracle experience is } indeed a problem. Here's some thoughts: } } * People are WAY leery of handing out their email address }    to a service they've little info about. You can see their }    point, no one likes getting spam. } }    Possible Solutions: } }    * Have a notice on the web-portal stating that the email }      address will be used ONLY for the Oracle experience and }      that your name and email is kept secret (as long as you }      don't go adding it yourself because through newbieness) } }    * Add a similar .sig to outgoing responses to tellmes. }      Somehow I'd think if you're doing askmes you've got this }      figured out already, but tellme folks might find this }      reassuring -- especially for their first ones. } } * The Oracle needs new users. } }    Possible Solution: } }    * I have no idea how to do this, but if somehow it could }      be pointed out to teachers of HOW-to newbie Internet }      classes that sending and receiving email from the Oracle }      is a great way to practice emailing. } }    * Again, another bell-the-cat I have no idea how to do it }      idea. Wouldn't it be great if on the Thunderbird download }      page it said something like, "Hey, want to practice using }      email? Try the Internet Oracle." and then a link to the }      Oracle home page or something. <sigh> or even have a default }      joke email be your first email in the email inbox of Thunder- }      bird... even if just for Thunderbird downloads for just }      one month and never again! That'd be grand. But alas it'd }      be kind of an inhouse spam, not everyone might be amused. } }    * Someone, HEY ONE OF YOU COMPUTER EXPERTS OUT THERE. write }      a Firefox/Thunderbird add-on that interfaces with the Oracle }      It'd up our exposure, which right now is about zero. People }      looking through addons might find it. Is this ethical? } }    * Buy an ad on slashdot! Or in PC-Magazine! Or an ingame one }      in Portal2!!!  Yeah, I know, I'd not want to fork over the }      big bugs for that either. } }    * Write the Oracle address on your huge bosom and streak the }      Super Bowl!.... oh gawd. What am I saying? } }    * Write to the Oracle! Write an answer full of ideas. Some }      priest will show it to well, SOMEONE & something will happen }      & ALL WILL BE GOOD IN THE WORLD... <sigh> who am I kidding? }      This will go into some non-functioning priest's inbox and }      be nuked unread. Have you ever gone to the Priest weblink page }      and clicked on any of the links? Most of them are dead, dead, }      dead. I'm not really sure anyone is still at the temple at }      times, just a few of them stop by as they drive by and that's }      only because they've got a key to the temple restrooms and }      they need to take leak. Though if you click all of those }      mostly dead links you -might- finally understand the two }      Tims references. . . maybe. Not that it matters mind you. } }    * Scream at the computer. That's what this incarnation does. }      Fat lot of good that's done. } } You owe the Oracle, ah forget it. You've done enough. } } Cheers.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ------=_Part_25104_6384241.1217873751845 > Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 > Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit > > Oh... > I'm a happy Post-it note! > Let's all sing the Post-it song! > Post-it! > Post-it! > Post-it! > Post-it! > Post-it! > Post-it! > All day long... > > ------=_Part_25104_6384241.1217873751845 > Content-Type: text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1 > Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: Next slide. } } [ On the screen before the class appears the supplicant's }    email message about a Post-it! ] } } Oracle: Humans are the only creatures that laugh or ask }         questions. And here we have an email that neither }         asks a question, or makes us laugh. What can one }         do? } } Kendai: Tell the supplicant he's a moron. Heck, it's }         not even in plain text. } } Og: Zot! } } Zadoc: Delete it and let someone else deal with it. } } [ Others boo, and wad up papers and throw it at Zadoc. ] } } Old Tim: Detailed history of the Post-it note followed }          by a poignant joke. } } New Tim: A top ten list with lots of nerdy UNIX }          references. } } Both Tims: AND NO MENTION OF PEOPLE'S HAIR. } } Oracle: Anyone have a fresh idea? And don't tell me }         a lecture format. Or a commercial. Or a Sgt. }         Pepper parody. Or invoke anyone. } } [ Priests all look around the room sheepishly. ] } } Og: Zot! } } Oracle: I'm immortal. I can sit here until hell }         freezes over, people. } } The Littlest Priest: I could stand up and bat my huge }         eyes. And say, "I've learned something today. }         We all are like a family. A family of..." } } Kendai: I.am.going.to.barf. } } The Littlest Priest: "...a family of askers and tellers. }         And like all families we sometimes get drunk & }         beat the living snot out of each other with patio }         furniture and then the police show up and arrest }         Dad. Mom wails about what's happening to her man }         and then the dog shows up and licks up the spilled }         beer that is reflecting the flashing red and blue }         lights of the squad cars as overhead a helicopter }         full of doughnut eaters hovers, noisily. The rotor }         wash making our hair waft about as though we're }         standing on Dover Beach watching Corelia's forces }         land." } } Zadoc: Wow. That's so beautiful. } } Kendai: No. It's lame. } } One of the Tims: And you mentioned hair too. We had an }                  agreement. } } Oracle: OK look. Pair off and I'm going out for a smoke. }         When I get back I want to hear some answers that }         make me laugh. Tim and Tim, split up. You can't }         be partners again, it's too confusing. } } Both Tims: Dibs on Kendai! } } Kendai: I've got to get me a real job. } } [ fade to black ]

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How long until my toe feels better?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Forever. But this is what your hands are for, toes } are really poor choices to feel things with. } } You owe the Oracle some steel toed boots.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will my one true love knit me a love song?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Frayed knot.