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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Big time Oracle most hugely successful & enormously smart, > > Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you > do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob and I am an alcoholic'?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're almost right. I *do* stand up and say, "My name is Bob and I am } an alcoholic," but my name's Orrie, not Bob. So I remain anonymous, as } long as nobody notices that I seem to be about eight feet tall, wear a } luminous robe, appear to float above the ground instead of walking, and } carry a mean ZOT. Other than that, we're all alcoholics, we're all Bob, } and we are all anonymous. } } You owe the Oracle a case of Stolichnaya.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle!  Carrying all your medals were supposed to be a > challenge in 'The world's strongest man', but it had to canceled, as > everyone failed! > > Where's the line between bravery and stupidity?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [ In a really huge parking lot, Disneyland-sized, you }    *have* to take the tram to get from your car to the }    entrance. In the lot standing near a white van are }    The Oracle, Zadoc, and the supplicant. Inside the }    van we can see Kendai sitting behind the steering }    wheel. ] } } Oracle: Fine! Stay in the car, but the battery better }          not be drained when we get back this time. And }          no pot smoking in the van! } } Kendai: {mumbles something} } } [ A tram pulls up, the three get on it and ride towards }    the complexes in the distance. On the way they listen }    to the driver prattle over a tinny loudspeaker. ] } } Driver: [sounding bored] Welcome to Attributeland. The }          place where you get to pick what you are, to }          pick what you want to be. No picking pockets }          though please. [ uneasy silence as though he }          expects someone to laugh, which Zadoc almost }          does until The Oracle scowls at him.] On your }          left you see... } } [ Inside the park. The place is crammed. A man dressed }    up as a cloud approaches. ] } } Cloud: Welcome! Can I help you? } } Supplicant: Yes, the line for stupidity? } } Cloud: It's that long one over ther. . . } } ////////////// horrible screeching sound ///////////// } } No, no, no! This isn't working. The answer is getting } too cumbersome and is in it's own way. Just a second. } Hmm, here. Try this one instead. } } \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ } } [ An army training ground. A forbidding obstacle course }    layout looms before three men that are being yelled }    at by drill argent. ] } } Sgt: You will run as far and as fast as you can out }       into this minefield! In the distance is your }       goal, The Line of Bravery! } } Kendai: Whoa! My tunes! Where's the van? } } SGT: DID I TELL YOU TO SPEAK! } } [ Kendai blinks nervously ] } } Zadoc: Here I go! } } SGT: NOT YET YOU MORON! } } [ A powerful explosion sends Zadoc pinwheeling through }    the sky. He lands with a resounding THUMP!] } } Supplicant: OHMIGAWD! } } [ In the distance Zadoc weakly holds up one thumb to }    let us know he's OK. ] } } SGT: He crossed the line of stupidity. This yellow one }       at your feet. } } Kendai: This is messed up. } } [ The Sargent draws his service pistol & steps towards }    Kendai. ] } } SGT: DID I TELL YOU TO SPEAK!?!?! } } \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ horrible screeching sound \\\\\\\\\\\\ } } Way too violent. And the implications. A minefield of } what? Ideals gone wrong, bad intentions and unintended } consequences? I need a much shorter answer. With less } mayhem. Note to self: Have some band-aids sent over to } Zadoc's cell tonight. } } ////////////////////////////////////////////////////// } }  > Where's the line between bravery and stupidity? } } If it was a line it'd be easy to find. Think of the } gap between them being a smokescreen of ambiguity } fueled by the twin smoldering fires of glory seeking } and beer induced madness. } } ////////////// horrible screeching sound \\\\\\\\\\\\ } } What a bunch of bull. Sounds like a college student on } an X jag. Grr. Back to square one. } }   /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ } } Supplicant: Yes, the line for stupidity? } } Cloud: It's that long one over there. } } Zadoc: And the line for bravery? } } Cloud: It's the one over there near the tiger cages, }         winding through the bubbling lava pits, next }         to the alley by the biker bar. } } Oracle: And between the two, that line there? The }          line full of, what are those? Puns & oblique }          references to half-remembered intellectual }          pursuits from the past, clueless jibes and }          truly amusing riffs? } } Cloud: Sir, that is no ordinary line. It's The Queue. }         Notice how they're all looking at you? } } Those in The Queue: [ All yelling at once ] How much }         wood would a... Why do we park on driveways? }         42! 42! Do you know the way to San Jose? I... } } Oracle: NOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! } } [ fade to black ]

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh might Oracle, who eats seven Al Gores for breakfast and spits back > his (corrected) idioms: > > Where were the lessons of the sixties misplaced?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}        Top Ten Lessons Learned in the Sixties, }                  Where are They Now? } } 10. Ready access to psychotropic drugs isn't really }      a good idea. } }      Current Location: Out of Rehab, in a rave, out }      of rehab, in a rave. REPEAT ad nausea } } 09. Russia is not a worker's utopia } }      Current Location: South Ossetia } } 08. Non-violent protest leads to getting the tar }      kicked out of you. } }      Current Location: Last seen in Red China, rumored }      to be heading to Denver } } 07. College is a good place to meet your significant }      other } }      Current Location: Hasn't moved an inch } } 06. Gurus are really money/power hungry frauds } }      Current Location: Last public appearance at }      Heaven's Gate compound Carlsbad, CA, now }      on land locked sail boat at Gold Base eating }      cheetos and watching 'Vanilla Sky' DVD over & }      over again. } } 05. Music that sounded good when you were stoned }      losses something when you're stone sober } }     Current Location: on any "Death In Vegas" CD } } 04. The Government has some seriously messed up }      weapons labs working on things that are more }      dangerous than even they imagine } }     Current Location: [ ***** ***** ** ] } } 03. Television is Evil } }      Current Location: cable } } 02. Casual sex leads to complicated problems } }      Current Location: cable TV programing } } 01. Hot pants are hot } }      Current Location: Killed by Widespread Obesity }      and okay, Common Decency had a hand in it too. } } You owe the Oracle a clam bake.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle ever-eloquent, whom it's so comfortable being around, even > just saying nothing, > > Who invented the remix album?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Romulus, } } of the early Latin duo "Romulus and Remix".

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> if the persians invaded greece today, what should the ships be made of?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I understand they're working on uranium.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oraculo Esplendoroso, whose chilis are rellenos and whose frijoles are > refritos, I have a question. (Tengo la pregunta.) Why does Mexican music > sound so German? It's like a German oom-pah band with Spanish words and > maybe a few trumpets. Verrueckt. Loco. Did Germany buy Mexico while I > wasn't looking?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, they annexed it. } } As you don't know, back in the days of Napoleon III, France controlled } Mexico.  When the United States Civil War ended, Napoleon withdrew } his troops from Mexico, leaving Maximilan floundering and eventually } foundering there.  But although he (Maximilian) was killed by the } republicans, who came into de facto power, they never regained de } jure power.  This is because of the 1859 reform laws, which were still } in effect (according to the republicans).  You see, the reform laws, } which were designed to separate church and state, included clauses } designed to prevent the takeover of the government by a high church } official.  One such law was so badly worded as to inadvertently make } the death of Maximilian and the consequent takeover of the government } by the republicans illegal according to the republicans' own laws, } so that Maximilian's heir, Augustin III, actually became rightful } ruler of Mexico (just as he claimed). } } Fast-forward to 1940.  The Third Republic had been in place in France } for many years, but, unbeknownst to France, it never relinquished its } official hold on Mexico.  The ruler of Mexico was now Empress Maria } Josepha (as she called herself and as she was, though most people } called her Princess Maria). } } Then, in June of 1940, Germany and France signed what was called the } Second Armistice at Compiegne.  It stipulated that 60% of mainland } France go to Germnay, along with all overseas possessions.  Now, } Germany never did anything about those possessions, but it technically } annexed them. } } In May of 1945, Germany surrendered to the Allies.  The preliminary } divvying up of Germany's land had been done at the Yalta Conference } in February, but it was finalized in June of 1945 with the Potsdam } Agreement, which listed all the lands that Germany had annexed or } owned -- including Germany itself -- and what was to go to whom. } But the list was not all-inclusive, as no one realized that Germany } now owned Mexico.  Now, by long-standing international custom, any } lands not claimed by the victors remain in the possession of the one } who lost the war.  In this case, Germany retained possession of Mexico. } } When the land of Germany was occupied (1945 to 1949) per the Potsdam } Agreement (and so were other possessions), Mexico was not.  Thus, even } though there was no German government with any power, the country of } Germany lived on, with practical existence only in its territorial } possession of Mexico.  When the countries of East Germany and West } Germany were created in 1949, West Germany inherited all of the Third } Reich's possessions (i.e., Mexico) by the terms of the Grundgesetz. } } And modern-day Germany, of course, is just a renaming of West Germany } after it annexed East Germany (a voluntary annexation). } } So there you have it, Supplicant.  Germany annexed Mexico back in 1940, } and retains it to this day, which explains the music. } } You owe the Oracle a bratwurst enchilada.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and almighty Oracle... I come to thee in search for an answer > to my doubts... > > This is my question great Oracle - Who do you prefer: pirates or > ninjas?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's pretty obvious. Here look at these comparisons: } ============================================================= } } Appearance: } } Pirates = A colorful array of styles adorned with jewelery, }            gold buttons and weapons. Bright headscarves or }            a menacing tricorner hat. Big ol' boots and an }            optional parrot or monkey on the shoulder. Dueling }            scars that show character. Homemade Prostheses that }            show their respect for the heroically handicapped. } } Ninjas = Black everything, Burka boring. Probably homely }            faces under those masks. } } Advantage -> Pirates! } ============================================================= } } Speech: } } Pirates = A fun mish-mash of English, French, Spanish, and }            Portuguese sprinkled with swear words from around }            the world. Heck, to this day cultured first world }            nations hold "Speak Like a Pirate" Day. Arrrrr! } } Ninjas = total silence, most likely incapable of speech let }            alone raucous tunes like the way cool pirates sing } } Advantage -> Pirates! } ============================================================== } } Lifestyle: } } Pirates = World travel by low carbon footprint sailboat, wealth }            shared by all on the crew, lots of parties, lots of }            drink, camaraderie and adventure. A lifestyle celebrated }            everywhere, from Disneyland to the shores of present }            day Somalia } } Ninjas = solitary slinking about in the shadows } } Advantage -> Pirates! } =============================================================== } } Battle style: } } Pirates = Teamwork emphasizing the manly wielding of heavy hacking }            blades. Huge balls of iron shot out of massive cannons. }            Plank-walking entertainment afterwards to wind down with } } Ninjas = jump out of the dark, throw a goofy little pointy star at }            some innocent maiden's forehead, then scream and leap }            away. } } Advantage -> Pirates } ================================================================ } } Celebrities: } } Pirates = Blackbeard, Black Bart, Anne Bonny, Henry Morgan, }            Calico Jack, Khair ad Din, Captain Kidd, and the }            beloved by rhod, the Oracle experience's own, the }            one and only, totally fair & unbiased in his astute }            assessments - Hook. } } Ninjas = none } } Advantage -> Pirates } ================================================================= } } You owe the Oracle some brass cleaner.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Overflowing Oracle, my mind is totally blank. Please give me something > to think about.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.no.no. } } [ Oracle places the palm of his hand on his forehead. ] } } FAIL. } } People spend their lifetimes trying to reach that zen } state of no-mind, clear of the nagging of the id, free } of the constant chatter from within. And here, you, on } your own achieve that and BAM. You want to fill your } head with noise. } } OK, fine. } }   ----------------------------------------------------- }        Ten Ways to Fill Your Head with Thoughts }         that will Linger and Linger and Linger }   ----------------------------------------------------- } } 10. Amateur Internet Pr0n -- what on Earth motivates }      all of those people to debase themselves so and }      OHMIGAWD, No. Did.not.want.to.see.that. <shudder> }      Must erase. MUST ERASE MIND. } } 09. Ride "It's a Small World" at Disneyland once }      in your lifetime. People that have already are, }      even before this sentence is over, having their }      inner world flooded with a non-stop loop of noise. } } 08. Have some kids, all day, heck even as you sleep }      you'll wonder what they're up to } } 07. Become a Catholic, 24 hour a day guilt } } 05. Wonder why there's never a #6 } } 04. Get sent to prison, you'll be worrying about things }      you never even thought about before so hard and so }      often your brow will bleed } } 03. Rip up your college degrees, give away all your assets, }      and hit the road with only what you can carry. Wait }      about 24 hours. Now what are you going to do? Every }      second will become an existential focal point that would }      make Camus proud of you, if he hadn't been killed by a }      car driven by Kafka's drunken bastard step-lovechild. } } 02. Go Emo. } } 01. Keep submitting questions to the Oracle queue until }      you get the complete works of Shakespeare mailed back }      to you with "You owe the Oracle 7 tons of bananas" at }      the end. } } See, weren't you better off not having anything to think } of? Hmm, hmm? } } You owe the Oracle a way to prevent the wheat virus that } is poised to decimate the world's food supply by 2012.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, I am so new to this whole thing. Would you believe I've > never heard of this before? But I am a great admirer of creativity, > and try to provide my own whenever I can. Do you think I'm cut out for > helping you out for the next while?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ordinarily I'd say no, but the last batch of questions to come through } have been so lame, I'd almost prefer to have the tired ones from 13 } years ago reappear instead. Whatever you can accomplish will be } appreciated, by someone, somewhere. } } You owe the Oracle your best effort in transcribing his answers, as } well. In particular, when you hear me say, "Gaak! Bzlpfft-shplzzt!" } please remember that I've got an answer for that poor supplicant that's } so humorous, so side-splitting, that I can hardly get the words out of } my mouth. Please do not transcribe it as, "I really don't know anything } about that, and haven't the faintest idea." I'm *omniscient* dammit, } and I most certainly *do* know. Also remember that the humble null } question has provoked me, on occasion, into some quite imaginative } answers.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ....hello? Oh, thank god, finally. I've been stuck in your call-waiting > queue for days, I completely lost track of time, I think I might have > fallen asleep once or twice. Anyway. Oracle, baby, I'm calling from > the merchandising agency, and we've got this great new toy spinoff > for this year's Christmas sea son. You'll love it. We just need your > approval before we start production. > > Plush doll with a touch-sensitive voice chip. We're calling it > "Question Me Orrie". Whaddaya think?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [ A bedroom door opens, the hall light floods in }    and lands upon the parent's bed getting there at }    about the same time as little Bobby, the bundle }    of joy who had opened the door. ] } } Bobby: Mommy! Mommy! Daddy! Wake up! It's Christmas! }         IT'S CHRISTMAS! } } [ A bit later the family trudges downstairs. Bobby }    starts shredding the packages open in a manic air }    of greed. This halts as he opens the box with }    his "Question Me Orrie Plush Doll" (QmOPD) inside. ] } } Bobby: What is this? } } QmOPD: This is a pronoun. You owe me some of that. } } Bobby: Huh? } } QmOPD: No Grovel. ZOT! } } [ Bobby drops the doll, his hair is all standing on }    end. ] } } Bobby: Mommy! } } QmOPD: No, guess again. Think more along the lines }         of an old bearded immortal. You owe me the }         contents of your Christmas stocking. } } Daddy: Ask it a question Bobby. It will answer it }         for you. } } Bobby: It hurted me. } } Mommy: I told you he was too young for it doofus. } } Bobby: Why do you call daddy that? } } QmOPD: She's ticked at him for banging her sister }         last Halloween. He said her witch mask made }         him think it was Mommy. You owe me a candied }         apple. } } Bobby: Banging? } } QmOPD: A polite euphemism fo... } } [ Mommy snatches the doll out of Bobby's hands and }    tosses it in the fire. ] } } Daddy: Why the hell did you do that? } } QmOPD: She doesn't want him to grow up to fast, or ever }         even, that's why at 14 he still calls her Mommy }         and you Daddy. Speaking of hell, it's kind of hot }         in this fire. You owe the me a really big bucket }         of water like RIGHT NOW! } } Bobby: He smells funny when he burns doesn't he Mommy? } } QmOPD: We all do Bobby, we all do. You owe the Oracle a }         <pifft> Ow, man this hurts! Erkptt... zorrtkt. } } Bobby: Bawaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaa.... } } Daddy: That's just great Shelia. Cost us $200 bucks and }         now it's a melting blob. And the kid is bawling }         his eyes out. See what you did? Are you happy? } } QmOPD: bu shpx V'z ba sver lbh bjr zr n arj fbhy } } [ fade to black ]