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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Oracle, who's depth of despair is like a mighty peak of > inspiration, is the truth out there?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [ A serene garden of bamboo copses, rock gardens, }    and koi ponds. On a woven mat sits the Oracle }    in the lotus position. ] } } Oracle: Seek not the truth elsewhere but within. } } [ The Oracle's hand jets to cover his mouth as }    he emits a gentle burp. ] } } Oracle: A thousand pardons, I just powered a diet }          soda. } } [ A bright green dragonfly zips by. ] } } Oracle: As I was saying, truth is within. Here }          let me show you. } } [ The Oracle leaps up with startling suddenness, }    whisks a short blade from his sleeve and plunges }    it into his belly and begins to painstakingly }    eviscerate himself. ] } } Oracle: Urmpt! It's...Not. Easy to Seek Within. }          Gurmpt. Here's the truth right (ARGH) now. }          Wait, that's my spleen. Here. Let. ME, urgh, }          dig. A bit deeper. } } [ The woven mat at the Oracle's feet has soaked up }    as much blood as it can and now the blood is running }    in a tiny crimson river into the koi pond. ] } } Oracle: Here. ERMPPT. OW. Here it is, the... wait, }          that's just some gristle. Here it...feeling }          light headed, must.sit.down. } } [ The Oracle collapses. ] } } < A painfully long pause > } } [ The Oracle opens one eye, and then props himself }    up on one elbow. ] } } Oracle: Just funning with ya supplicant. This is all }          just smoke and ketchup stuff. The Truth is }          everywhere, you can tell it by it's ring & }          it's provability. The Problem is that it's }          not as titillating as Gossip, or as fun as }          Rumor, or as powerful as A Smear, or as }          clever as A Lie so it's as easy to overlook }          as a system admin at a bathing beauty contest. } } [ The dragonfly comes back and skims the koi pond }    which now has a pinkish tinge from the 'blood'. }    A koi jolts to the surface snaps the dragonfly up }    and swallows it in one greedy gulp. ] } } Oracle: You owe the Oracle a new woven mat.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me about the Pince-Nez Indians.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They have a long and varied history, and a complex convoluted } development.  Started by a wandering Mormon, King Nosypincenezzar, } who had just recently emigrated from Israel in 6244 BC according to } the Book of Mormon (cf Yabba Dabba Diah 4:22). } } The earliest, most barbaric customs of these people involved not merely } the pinching, but the actual piercing of the noses of their infants } on the eighth day, a procedure called 'nosectomy-cision', which they } believed made their children part of the covenant with Nosypincenezzar. } } They also practiced cutting off the noses of members of rival tribes } when they were defeated in battle and sticking them on poles as } trophies and warnings to other tribes. } } This persisted until about 1500 BC when the Prophet Noses spake } unto them "Behold! I  give unto you a new covenant! No longer shall } ye pierce thy kinsmans' noses and remove the nose of the window and } the stranger. For I dwell in a temple not built with hands and take } no delight in your nasal sacrifices. If ye would be pleasing to me, } I would ye pierce your Heart's nose, rather than your actual nose. For } where the Nose is, there your Heart is also." } } This caused much confusion, and resulted in the Great Schism where } the Aztecs broke off since they took the text as literally commanding } them to cut out the noses of peoples' hearts, even after they found } there were none. } } Finally we come to the advent of John the Nose-pincher ("Behold the } Handkerchief of God, which wipeth away the sins of the world"). He } introduced the practice of pinching the nose to signify renunciation } of sin. This replaced the piercing ritual, and after him the tribe's } name changed from Nez Pence to Pince-nez. } } These people still await their Nossiah, who will deliver them } from runny noses forever by His perfect sacrifice. Some radical } 'Calvinoseist' Indians even believe that we are too depraved to wipe } our own noses, but must rely on an Omnipotent, Omniscient God to do } it for us. } } You owe the Oracle a research paper on how the ancient pincenezzers } advanced from bifocalism to monacle-ism by adopting Greek philosophy.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To get the Oracle to tell me how to stop asking questions in the form > of complex infinitives.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No need. *To get* is the simple infinitive. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Strunk's 'Elements of Style', revised and } edited by Captain Kirk and Yoda.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> hi, why do I always have to be the lightest element? Why can't > we take turns? Why can't I switch with Uranium for a few weeks? > > Sincerely, > Hydrogen

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because your atomic mass depends on the number of particles [1] } you're made of, to be uranium you'd have to pack on an extra } 91 units of mass[2] - & then you'd not be you any more. Oh sure, } you could go isotope[3] and gain a neutron. That'd make you a } tad heavier & you'd still be you - you with a beer belly. [4] } However if you and enough of your fellow hydrogens go isotope } rapidly enough in a small enough area you can create an huge } impression [5] despite your small size. That'll show uranium } who's the boss. } } You owe the Oracle a lead lined room. } }                  -------------------- } } [1] Protons, neutrons and electrons WHILE motionless, which }     if you think about it means humans don't really have any idea }     what any given atom's mass is with much certainty. } } [2] Electrons per shell for Uranium = 2,8,18,32,21,9,2 }     Hydrogen = 1 } } [3] Note: 2H = Heavy Hydrogen }           H2 = Lighter Hummer }           Do not confuse the two! } } [4] AKA "central obesity". WARNING: Do NOT look this }     term up on the Wiki, the picture will haunt you. } } [5] Think along the lines of 1,400 atmospheres of }     over pressure. Not to mention the radiation.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most probing & wise Oracle with razor sharp wit, > > Why am I covered with tiny growths?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Those are your skin cells, you fool.  You need them to protect your } bones and hold your blood in place so you don't bleed to dea... oh, the } OTHER growths. } } Those are hair.  They were originally part of your fur coat some 40,000 } years ago but when Neanderthal and Cro-Magnon were fighting it out, } there was a much more severe cold spell than there is now, and coat } manufacturers were very expensive, so people had to grow their own } coats.  As the world got warmer, humans didn't need as much fur, so } they stopped having it as much.  But like, even if you do not drive, } keeping a drivers' license and renewing it is less trouble than } allowing it to expire and finding you have to go through the trouble to } get one again if you need it some day, it's a lot less trouble } biologically to keep a little bit of hair on the body, such as the arms } and chest, than to completely drop it altogether, then if a new ice age } comes up, have to try to manage without any way to generate fur. } } You owe The Oracle a set of fur earmuffs.  Just use a razor and scrape } the fur off the bottoms of your feet.  What do you mean you don't have } any, everyone knows everyone has hair on the bottom of their feet. } People have had it for over 200,000 years, what do you think, it just } stopped one day?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did Pink Floyd really synchronize Dark Side of the Moon with > the Wizard of Oz? I tend to be skeptical, but the tornado > and the dancing scare crow are pretty amazing, you have to > admit.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Human brains are oriented towards pattern seeking to a fault. } They 'see' human faces on everything from mountain ranges on } Mars to the Holy Virgin Mary on over-cooked slices of heavily } buttered French toast. People gaze for hours upon rows and rows } of baseball statistics longing for obscure connections, for fun! } Heck, people study the difference between their long ago played } out losing lottery choices and lists of winning numbers truly } thinking they can develop a winning system based on detecting } a connection of some kind. So the fact that some acid casualty } boomer generation space cadets can play drug music while watching } films from the 1930s & then see a direct correlation between when } some floppy limbed scarecrow begins to prance & electronic white } noise generated on an EMS Synthi A portable analog synthesizer } in the 1970s speaks volumes on the hold of patterns on the mind, } and of nothing more. } } You owe the Oracle a huge joint to smoke while you take some } time and look for the SECRET MESSAGE hidden in the paragraph } above. It IS there. Look, deeply. Very deeply. Peace man.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh all mighty king pin of the universe, > > When is it a good time to sleep in a Gum Tree?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When you're teething.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh fantabulous creature, more so than the original examples of the > term, I have a problem: I am often ruled by something much smaller > than I; how do I conquer? > > Many thanks in advance.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It certainly is small.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > > So is the boring spaghetti man gone? Is it safe to come > out and play again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the absence of someone specifically asking for divine advice, this } The Oracle is not consulting with either the Flying Spaghetti Monster } or the Invisible Pink Unicorn any time in the near future.  Satan has } also informed them, if they're off the hook, he doesn't want to be } bothered either. } } Besides that, it's going to be Halloween soon.  The Great Pumpkin has } stated he may want to be asked questions, as does Santa Claus. } } On the other hand, the Oracle might not be celebrating Halloween this } year. I have discovered I'm all out of needles and razor blades.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Holy Toledo has nothing on the Oracle, his loop'd and > window'd raggedness scares the world as much as his words > enlighten it, > > The jobs, will they lead me to a place I like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Every youth of under thirty wants to like his means and station. } Give me where to interact with people that I want to know. } At my home, I want to show you how my life is simple. } With an ease that's not too grand, I want to know how to go. } Tell me how to choose my lot with travel and the yield. } } How could I learn a way to seem that does not grate on fears? } Is that quite the way for me, when futures might depend, } upon a warning I could sing, of ways that do not mend. } } You owe the oracle a multi-cast dime's worth of skilled praise for } his life's most important work, when it's finished, if it ever is.