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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and benevolent oracle, with wisdom that can be compared with > mine only in the sense a supernova can be compared with a smoldering > candle wick, please help me in the following matter: > > "Stimulating" is frequently associated with sexual self-satisfaction. > So does that mean that the stimulus package is congress and the > president screwing the economy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Subliminal sexually suggestive names are nothing new } in politics. Ponder these program titles from recent } US history: } } JFK's racy "Nude Frontier" } Reagan's kinky "Trickle Down" } FDR's upfront "New D***" } LBJ's bragging "Great Sexuality" } Ford's S&M "Whip Inflation Now! and Again! And Again!" } and Hoover's ahead of his time hippie anticipating } "A Chick and Everyone gets Pot" } } Ironically Dick Nixon never got the hang of this } and his bland "Lawn Order" program only appealed } to people that wanted the neighbor's kids to } get off their front yard. } } You owe the Oracle some change he can buy a soda with.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh fantastic one, wise in the ways of new and improved marketing, > > Just what is so great about sliced bread?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Keeps the number of knives needed in a household } down. This helps domestic tranquility like nobody's } business. } } You owe the Oracle a decent fork.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I challenge you to a game of Russain Roulette with my 6-shooter! > > *CLICK**CLICK**CLICK**CLICK**CLICK* > > Your turn.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We are indeed fortunate, you and I, for the rules for Russain Roulette } differ from those for Russian Roulette. It's more like Calvinball, } in which the rules change at Calvin's whim. What a difference a tiny } transposition of two letters can make! } } In Russain Roulette the instigator of the game gets extra turns until } he scores a point. So it's still your turn. } } And in case you get any sneaky ideas, just remember my ZOT's faster } than your bullets.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHERE CAN I  FIND A FREE PEOPLE LOCATOR FOR FREE NO CREDIT CARD > REQUIRED

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's nearer than you think.  Just follow these simple instructions and } you'll be all set.  (The Oracle is not liable for any injury, yadda } yadda.) } } 1. Hold your hands flat and place them in front of you, palms } together, with your fingertips pointing upward. } } 2. Move your arms upward until the opening between your thumbs is } level with your nose. } } 3. Without moving them up or down, open your hands like a book, with } the palm facing you. } } 4. Fold your fingers over so that you can sight down them. } } 5. While keeping your little fingers pressed together and without } moving your hands up or down, swiftly bend your elbows as far as you } can. } } If you have correctly completed this procedure, you can readily } identify your free people locators.  They're the places that hurt. } You will be able to use them in a couple of minutes, assuming you } haven't damaged them. } } You owe the Oracle a foolproof procedure for finding one's posterior } using both hands and a roadmap.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My master keeps embarrassing my by inviting people over and > ringing a bell, thus causing me to drool all over myself > while he and his guests point and laugh at me. > Is there any way I can discourage this annoying behaviror? > > Sincerely, > Fido "Snookums" Pavlov

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Drool on your master. And if he rings the bell again (as it semms he } did) then drool again. He wants you to drool, so do it! } } You owe the Oracle's dog an education.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The ad for the position said SOFTWEAR DEVELOPOOPER. So I called and > asked if they really meant software developer. The phonedroid said, > "No, it says developooper, that's what it is." I asked him what the > difference was between developers and developoopers, and he said, "It's > uh, well I think it's... No, I don't know. But there must be a > difference or they wouldn't have used the word." > > I'm scared even to apply for this one. Should I?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course you should. Life is to be experienced, not avoided! Just } don't be surprised if your code is crap. } } You owe the Oracle more paper

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mellifluous Oracle whose praise could not be fully sung even by all > the songbirds in the world, > > I have somehow, by an act of questionable legality, come to possess a > pair of rather large, brown bird wings, detached from their proper > bird and dried so they don't smell bad. They're no use for flying > with, and I can't sell them without explaining how I got them. They're > too nice to just throw away, and if I just leave them in my garage > where they are now they'll just continue to take up space. What should > I do with them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} the origins of the kiwi explained at last

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sometimes I'm embarrassed by how much you know about me, especially > about my dreams. Like you know that I dreamed about eating > peanut-butter soup, and you could probably tell me what that means. > Please don't. Along with the usual carrots and parsnips there were RCA > and BNC connectors, and (get this!) seven eight-inch floppy disks. > Haven't seen those since Bill Gates was poor. > > Anyway what I need is an interpretation of last night's dream, the one > (you know it) where the race-car drivers were lined up and were about > to dance the Can-Can dance, when instead former President Bush (I > forget which one) handed me one of those disks from the previous dream, > and vanished in a puff of greasy orange smoke. Also, what should I do > with the disk? Even if I did have an old drive to read it, I'd be > afraid of the orange grease.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You needn't worry about the disk.  It will be neutralized (with great } effort and hardship, a dash of heroism, and running subtext on the } topic of addiction) by a couple of kids from rural Missouri, who will } carry it across Hong Kong to the Cray of Doom for secure reformatting } in tonight's dream.  Just don't do anything foolish with it before } that happens. } } As for the dancing drivers etc., I could tell you, but you could } figure it out yourself too.  Do that.  The BNCs, though, are just } weird.  I recommend either counseling or a ham sandwich. } } You owe the Oracle a 1950's-futuristic reimagining of Macbeth, with } random surreal touches.  That dream from last month will do nicely as } a starting point.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So how long have you been playing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Since I invented the game.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It wasn't what my mom asked for. My mind must be senile even though I'm > just 19. She wanted canned tuna. How did I manage to buy 15 cans of > Tuna brand Canned Bumblebees?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You just have to learn to stay in your own reality when shopping.  If } you ever go back into that one, though, a couple of pointers: } } - Don't try to buy tuna there.  They're endangered and illegal. } - Stay away from the canned bumblebees.  As you may have noticed, } they're barely edible.  Insist on fresh ones - but not, for safety } reasons, alive-alive-o. } - If you have time, check out the TV ad.  Swarms of cheery bees, } followed by throngs of happy people enjoying a stir-fry, all set to } 'The Flight of the Tunafish' played by a tuba-and-hookah quartet. } Priceless, at least the first time you see it. } } You owe the Oracle one of those cans.  Don't ask what for.