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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All right, I know you hate doing dream interpretation, but you've gotta > see this one. This time I captured an actual piece of dialogue from one > of my dreams. It's this: YOU'LL GET IT WHEN YOU SEE GREENS STUCCO > PAINTROOM COMPLETE WITH THE PAINT GO FRAUD. I put it in all caps > because I couldn't figure out how to punctuate it. I don't know who was > saying it. It was probably directed at me. > > Does it make any sense to you? For instance, does it support the theory > that dreaming is like watching a garbage-collection algorithm run, and > whatever words or images come along are just stuff that was hanging > around in the deepths of the short-term memory, appearing as each chunk > of memory gets freed up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I hate to disappoint you, but you're merely the victim of crossed } messages.  What you heard was part of a wiretap recording made during } an FBI investigation of suspected Mafia kingpin Bruno "Failed Grovel" } Pastrami. Pastrami was discussing the details of a plan to defraud } customers with a phony house painting business.  His accomplice, } Bernard "Unimaginative Nickname" Shaw, was asking when he would be } paid for another job, and Pastrami assured him that the next bogus } paint job, and the payment for same, would be delivered by their } intermediary contact, Jimmy "Soylent" Greens. Pastrami's answer, and } Shaw's enthusiasm, makes more sense with proper parsing: }   "You'll get it when you see 'Greens'." }   "Stucco paintroom?" }   "Complete with the paint!" }   "Go fraud!" } } It was this last ill-advised outburst from overenthusiastic Shaw that } enabled the FBI to convict Pastrami and his gang. } } Getting back to your question, dreams are for the most part your } brain's desperate attempt to get your attention on an urgent crisis } that may be a matter of life and death. The message you should have } received was: } } SHIMMERING MONKEYS LAMBADA PASTE BOILING KITTENS } } I hope that clears everything up for you. } } You owe the Oracle a clever, but menacing-sounding, Mafia nickname.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I fear my mother may be insane. First she tried to convince > me not to speak (way to encourage linguistic development, > Mom!) by offering me a diamond ring. Then she speculated that > it may 'turn into' brass. > Is she studying alchemy that she thinks it's possible to > transmute diamonds (carbon) into brass (an alloy of copper > and zinc)? Do you think I should report her to CPS as a > possible danger to herself and me? This is some pretty > wacky ****! > > Sincerely, > > a baby

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nah.  The 'turns brass' just reflects concern that the metal in which } the stone is set may not be gold (in which case the diamond itself is } probably either zirconia or glass).  This would become apparent as the } brass tarnishes. } } Where the rest of the song is concerned, you're on your own.  Just be } glad your mom didn't come up with it herself. } } You owe the Oracle your college fund.  If you're already discussing } alchemy and metallurgy, you won't need it.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle, who knows all, sees all, and is a sure pick in the next > election, my question is of vital importance to civilization.  The > entire fate of our species rests in the answer to this question!  My > question is > {gasps} Rosebud! > {supplicant dies}

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Kind of pointless, answering a dead supplicant. But you might have left } things, such as my answers, in your will, to some unfortunate souls. My } answer is, of course, cryptic and incomplete. } } In your will you owe the Oracle your sled.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, secretive Oracle, whose passwords are uncrackable, and who can > decrypt anything in his head! > > Got any nice, easy to remember 8-word sentences containing a number?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "This 8 word sentence contains a single number" } } You owe the Oracle a quine written in COBOL.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, I would write you twice a fingerset of fingersets of fingersets > of fingersets of fingersets of fingersets of pages on how great the > Oracle is. Is that a good grovel? Did people ever used to count like > that? Why don't we use base 5?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I use base 5 frequently. It's handy when I have two and a half fingers } on each hand. } } You owe the Oracle a safety device for the bandsaw in the butcher shop } that'll stop the saw when it's cutting fingers instead of meat.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I would like to know more details about the word/token "MJ12" along > with it's meanings/associated terms.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's the slot outside Neverland Ranch where needy parents would deposit } their 12 year olds. It's been closed since last Thursday. } } You owe the Oracle a prosthetic nose found at Roswell.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have a litter filled baking pan in the toilet, but the cat > is still standing in it. How do I get it to stand on the > seat? That is the final step before freedom.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Right. The cat is waiting for you to abandon the house and live } outside. You will be allowed to enter, bearing food, twice a day, at } dawn, noon, midafternoon, and evening. That's more than twice, isn't } it. Cats always think you have not fed them. } } Go feed your cat, slave.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm all confused, which probably makes me an excellent suppplicant. > > My mom says, "You are what you eat." > > Her mom says, "Yo am what yo is." > > And my dad's mom says, "Yo am what yo ain't." > > Which one's right? And what's it mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your mother is correct. Consult Mr. William Strunk Jr.'s /The Classics } of Style: The Fundamentals of Language Style From Our American } Craftsmen/ (ISBN 0978728203) for more information as to why. } } The meaning, of course, is that you are, in fact, what you eat. It's } very simply quantum physics, really. As I'm sure you know, the Universe } began in a Big Bang, where a bunch of matter was created that travels } forwards in time. Now, from your perspective, the Universe will end in } a Big Crunch, where a bunch of matter is destroyed due to traveling } forward in time. } } Now, as I'm sure you already know, right-handed matter going forwards } in time is the same left-handed antimatter going backwards in time (the } particles are, of course, the same color and flavor - southpaw } backwards antistrawberries are still delicious and red). As a result, } it's easy to see that the Big Crunch really is the creation of a bunch } of antimatter going backwards in time and using the wrong hand for } everything - all this antimatter gets destroyed at the Big Crunch. } } Now, here's the tricky bit: } } It's all the same particle. Due to the massive energies at the Big } Bang/Crunch, this particle keeps flipflopping between being matter and } antimatter, going forwards and backwards in time, you get the drift. So } you are eating yourself. You are breathing yourself. When your } girlfriend cheated on you last Tuesday and you killed her for it, you } killed yourself. And so on. } } I hope this clears everything up for you. } } You owe The Oracle a zombie Feynman.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O stately Oracle > Will Delaware her New Jersey?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ohio, }  New Jersey? Alaska.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHY DOESN'T FTP HAVE A BUILT IN CKSUM??????? DOESN'T THAT > SEEM LIKE ONE PLACE WHERE YOU'D REALLY *LIKE* TO RUN > CKSUM????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Do you see that key on the left side, just above the "Shift" key?  On } the l eft side.  It says "Caps Lock".  No, on the /keyboard/.  No, the } left.  Your ot her left.  Underneath the "Tab" key.  No, *above* the } "Shift" key.  Yes, the on e that says "Caps Lock".  If you press it a } few times, you will notice a blinking light on the keyb... } } Do /not/ stare at the blinking light.  Stop pressing that key. } } HEY!!!  PAY ATTENTION UP HERE!!! } } Ahem.  Now, make sure that light is off.  If it is not, press the "Caps } Loc k" k... } } Are you done?  Okay, now take a screwdriver and pop that sucker off. } No, t he "Caps Lock" key.  Put the Phillips down and grab that flat } head.  Yes, just like that. } } That's better.  Now, as you read this next sentence, pick up any hard, } heav y but easily handheld instrument and bludgeon yourself in the head } once for e ach syllable. } } Do not mess with the elegant simplicity of tried and true utilities } antisesquipedalianist antidisestablishmentarianism } supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. } } * * * } } Good morning.  I hope you have awoken refreshed and with mind cleared } for wisdom.  Now go, O seeker, and writeth a shell script that will } make both o ur lives easier. } } You owe the Oracle your unused bandwidth and server space.