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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle: > > I have read your last posting, and I find that your answers are morally > bankrupt.  What do you have to say for yourself? > > Sincerely, >   Jesse Helms.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, Mr. Helms... you are more pathetic than the newspapers give you } credit for.  I'm morally bankrupt, am I?  You, sir, are mentally } bankrupt!  You don't care about the Lord and his word of love, you } just want to get and maintain political power using any means } possible.  You pick Christianity, since most people believe it and } few people will question it.  That way, you will be able to get away } with almost anything.  You truly are a worm. } } This is just like the furor over Mapplethorpe's art.  You could have } looked at it, have been disgusted, and tried to get its funding } revoked because it was stupid and disgusting.  But noooooo.  You } have to go out of your way to find RELIGIOUS meaning!  And } homosexual meanings!  Well, Mr. Helms, last time I checked, there } was no law against homosexuality.  If you had said nothing, } Mapplethorpe's work would have faded away into obscurity under its } own vice.  But you had to make a big deal about it and raise } hackles.  Now the public can't get enough of it.  Guess what?  Your } tactics backfired 180 degrees!  Do you really have such little } foresight that you couldn't see this obvious chain of events?  You } really do need the Oracle.  Before you ruin me, try asking me some } sensible questions.  Maybe you could straighten out your life a bit. } } Now on to your charge against me.  I am morally bankrupt?  Let's } look at context here.  That's right!  Context!  Do you even know } what the word means?  I doubt it.  How many of the women trying to } enter the blockaded abortion clinics are going there because they } were raped?  You don't even know!  You just want to raise hackles in } the name of the Lord.  You don't know the first thing about God's } love.  That's a worse blasphemy than openly worshiping Satan. } } Now on to context and how it affects your charge against the Oracle. } The last posting, you say.  Did you notice that the last posting was } sent to rec.humor?  That's right!  The Oracularities are meant to be } HUMOROUS!  That's no excuse for moral bankruptcy, but if you think } about it (cough! cough! what a stench of burning dust!) you'll } realize that any of my musings that are straight-thinking, correct, } serious, and morally correct WON'T GET POSTED TO A HUMOR NEWSGROUP! } I suppose you could care less that I've kept this world from } exploding numerous times.  Take a look at a recent answer I } wrote: } } The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > Oh wondrous Oracle, please help me.  Lithuania has formally } > declared itself independent of the Soviet Union!  The Lithuanian } > soldiers in the army have deserted, and now Estonia, Latvia, and } > Georgia want to secede too!  What can I do? } > } >                             With deepest sincerity, } >                             Mikhail Gorbachev. } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } You have to realize that the history of the Soviet Union is a } } violent one, filled with crushed uprisings, the silencing of } } individual opinion, and the forced annexation of territory.  In 1940 } } the Baltic republics were annexed forcefully.  Of course they'll } } want to secede!  All you can really do is let it transpire } } peacefully.  The best (and as far as I can tell, ONLY) way this } } could ever happen is if you send military troops into Lithuania. } } Don't use them to crush uprisings, just secure a few public build- } } ings and carry out exercises.  The world will take it all wrong, } } but the troops will just be there to make sure the peace is kept. } } Remember what happened in Armenia.  You sent troops too late, and by } } that time, all you could reasonably do was crush the uprising.  Send } } the troops in first this time.  And let the Soviet Union dissolve } } gradually.  President Reagan was right; it really is an "Evil } } Empire."  The best you can do is let it dissolve peacefully. } } } } Please write back.  You owe the Oracle your continued streak of } } good luck. } } See what I mean?  If you have your way, you will undoubtedly let the } planet slip into violence and chaos. } } You owe the Oracle a change of heart.  Learn ALL the facts about } something before taking any drastic actions, and maybe the world } won't think you're so stupid.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle whose morning breath smells like twenty-dollar-a-bottle > perfume, I recently inherited an original Norman Rockwell painting > which depicts a paperboy performing fellatio on a policeman.  Is this > painting in any way rare or valuable?  Where can I obtain others like > it? > > Humbly and with infinite devotion I await your answer, but don't feel > pressured.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's $2 a can FDS. } } The picture you describe is indeed rare.  To understand its value } you must know the true history of "Norman Rockwell".  But beware... } this information is a closely guarded secret and could get you } into Real (tm) Trouble! } } A few years back there lived a slimy degenerate named Norman Rockwell. } He was into all sorts of kinky perversion of the types frowned upon } by most civilizations.  At the zenith of his career, he had thousands } of brain dead followers who would do anything demanded by their } beloved Nambla.  The nickname given Rockwell was later applied to } the NAtional Man Boy Love Association which Rockwell founded. } This organization advocates sex between grown men and young boys, } often swapping pictures and tapes of their very children for the } prurient interests of fellow "members". } } Over the course of his lifetime, Rockwell painted hundreds of these } pedophile porn pieces, using actual NAMBLA photos as models. } Eventually Rockwell was captured by a mob of angry parents while } using the alias "Kinko the Kid Loving Clown" to entrap nubile young } boys into his sordid game. } } The parents doused him with gasoline and set him on fire in his } sleazy hideout in an old abandoned warehouse in Springwood.  As } the flames had their way with him, he vowed revenge. } } The parents then rounded up all the pedi-porn they could find and } fed it also to the inferno.  Then to cleanse the world of the } atrocities wrought by Rockwell they began to mass produce those } cutesy pictures normally associated with Norman Rockwell.  By } flooding the country with these harmless little paintings they } hoped to replace his lecherous legacy with one of good. } } The plan has generally succeeded.  Every grandmother in the USA } has several of these bogus Rockwells depicting, say, a boy throwing } a stick for a dog to chase or two little kids looking at their } reflection in a pond.  Unfortunately, these are just as likely } to induce vomiting as the original artwork. } } Lately, there have been reports of original Rockwells such as the } one you have surfacing.  As the reports grow more frequent, many } believe Rockwell has returned to inflict his revenge. } } The Oracle suggests you keep your hands off of that little boy } who came to your door selling boy scout candy.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I so confused whenever I see my girlfriend's tail?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Boy, does that question ever bring back memories! Throughout history, } this has been one of the most frequently asked questions. I hope } you'll allow me a slight trip down memory lane... } ---------------------------------------------------------------------- } The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > Why am I so confused whenever I see my girlfriend's tail? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } You are confused becuase it is prehensile, and therefore she can } } pick more fruit than you. Don't worry, it's normal for a male monkey } } to feel envious of a better-performing spouse... } } ---------------------------------------------------------------------- } The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > Why am I so confused whenever I see my girlfriend's tail? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Beats me. When you married Ms. Boleyn, you knew she had six fingers } } and three breasts. You shouldn't be surprised to find she had four } } buttocks! } ---------------------------------------------------------------------- } The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > Why am I so confused whenever I see my girlfriend's tail? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Because it's not a tail, it's a penis! You're dating guys, Mr. } } Wilde, admit it! } ---------------------------------------------------------------------- } The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > Why am I so confused whenever I see my girlfriend's tail? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Because the psychedelic tattoo on her bottom is slowly reprogramming } } your brain. If you don't knock it off, you're going to feel like } } stopping this summer of love shit and getting a job on Wall Street. } } [Sniff!] Those were great times! Oh, say, I should answer *your* } question! } } It's really simple. You see, your girlfriend lives next to a toxic } waste dump and has slowly mutated over the years so that she now farts } radon. It's colorless, odorless, and it's reducing your IQ every time } you give her oral sex. } } You owe the Oracle a piece of tail.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and dripping Oracle, whose forearm I am not worthy to wash, > please answer my horny question: >   Which guru is the best lover?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The one on the mountain comes in fountains, } The one in the valley loves to dally, } The one with the crucifix licks and licks, } The one with the Talmud is good with a pud, } The one that is Hindu will spend ten weeks in you, } The Prophets of Allah wildly hallah, } The ones that are pagan go again & again, } Shirley Maclain's is into pain, } George Harrison's can be embarrasin', } And as for the others, ask your mothers. } But by far the best guru for both the sexes, } Who satisfies Johnny and Sue and Alexis, } Whose schlong penetrates to the solar plexus, } Whose tits and whose ass are expansive as Texas, } Whose ravenous love-bites practically wrecks us, } Is, of course, the Oracle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose little finger I am not worthy to kiss, please > answer my query:  How can I get my controversial hydroelectric plant in > Brooklyn to come on line?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm, now THAT'S an interesting question.  'to come on line...', hmmm. } I thought I'd heard everything, but you humans come up with another one } on me.  Making it with public utilities!  Is that kinky, or ?  I've done } it with every intelligent species in the known universe (and some } unintelligent ones, too!).  Well, I guess I can load a simulation and } see what happens! } } cd /usr/simms/earth/human/inanim.obj } } Load simulation: } } loading: Kinky human: loading...done } loading: Hydroelectric plant:loading...done } loading: water: loading...done } loading: /location/shithole/brooklyn: loading...done } loading: remote orgasm: loading...done    #you said come on line, right? } loading: dooby: loading...done...loaded   #I'll need this for this }                                            question! } } <START SIMULATION> } } Human: Hey baby, what's a nice generator like you doing in a town like }        this? } } Plant: Come on big boy, let's cut through the crap! You know what I }        want, I know what you want. } } H:     Yo, I like that, a power plant that knows what she wants! Come }        on baby, get those turbine grinding and come to daddy! } } P:     yeah, suck on my capacitors, yah, that's the  way, yeah!! } } H:     Yo, babe, you got the hottest set of resistors on the east side! } } P:     So I've been told!! no, don't stop, yah that's the way! No use }        the 220 on me, yeah, deeper, yeah, Yeah, OH YEAH!!!OOOHHHHHH!!! } } } Power goes down on the entire eastern seaboard from Maine to North } Carolina.  Every electrical fixture in New York City explodes due to a } power surge from 110v to 35,721v for 10 or 15 seconds.  Fires gut the } city of New york and are still raging uncontrolably in New Jersey (but } who cares, it's Jersey). } } <END SIMULATION> } } Does that answer your question, oh unworthy finger kisser???  If you } indeed make this alleged powerplant come (on line or in person) you will } wreak havok and destruction unheard of since the Dodger's betrayed } Brooklyn! } } You owe the Oracle a grounded condom.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Gracious and responsive Oracle most Wise, whose harlot I am too lowly > to kiss, answer my query: >   Why can't I get a date with Lisa?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see... [flip-flip-flip] } You doofus! You haven't filled out the form! Lisa's a very busy girl; } you can't get a date with her unless you fill out a form LSA69. Since } I'm in a *very* generous mood today, I'll send you a copy. } ********************************************************************* } } FORM LSA69           Request for date with Lisa } } Name____________________________________________  SSN#____________ } Street Address__________________________________ } City____________State_________Zip_______________ } } What type of date are you requesting?     Yearly Salary $___________ } [A] Friendly dinner and conversation ( )    (Enclose copies of most } [B] Dinner followed by making out    ( )     recent W-2 forms) } [C] Hours of non-stop sweaty sex     ( ) } } Height ____' ___''  Weight ______lbs. Age_______ } Hair color_________ Eye color________ Tongue color________ } } Do you have any of the following? } Bad breath         ( )  Zits        ( )  Weird walk        ( ) } An annoying accent ( )  Yukky Teeth ( )  Dirty Fingernails ( ) }    (Enclose pictures of front and profile) } } When was the last time you bought }   New clothes?   ____________ }   New shoes?     ____________ }   New underwear? ____________ } } Which of the following celebrities do you most resemble? }   Robert Redford    ( )   Sam Kinison       ( ) }   Paul Newman       ( )   Gilbert Gottfried ( ) }   Paul McCartney    ( )   Pee Wee Herman    ( ) }   Willie Nelson     ( )   Manuel Noriega    ( ) } } What's your idea of a good time? }    Going out to a nice restaurant           ( ) }    Going to a movie                         ( ) }    Pigging out on Ho-Ho's                   ( ) }    Trying on different colored underpants   ( ) }    Cross-dressing                           ( ) }    Streaking through a Shriner's convention ( ) }    Cooking roaches in a microwave           ( ) }    Stomping on worms                        ( ) }    Jerking off to polkas                    ( ) }    Other __________________________________ ( ) } } Why do you want to go out with Lisa? }    You want a meaningful relationship with her            ( ) }    You think she's the most attractive woman in existance ( ) }    You want an idea of what she looks like naked          ( ) }    You want to smell her feet                             ( ) }    Wanna fuck her! Wanna fuck her real bad!               ( ) }    Other_________________________________________________ ( ) } } If you were granted a date with Lisa what would you do? }    Treat her like the lady she is                             ( ) }    Show her the wildest time she's ever had                   ( ) }    Constantly ogle her tits                                   ( ) }    Drop change on the floor as an excuse to look up her dress ( ) }    Jerk off over the acceptance letter                        ( ) }    Other_____________________________________________________ ( ) } } If you are requesting date type [C], continue, otherwise skip to final } instructions. } } When was your most recent physical?______________________ }    (Enclose medical records) } Blood pressure___________________________________________ } Are you allergic to any of the following? }    Pubic hair ( )   Vaginal juices ( )  Female pheremones ( ) } How long is your penis? Erect   _____'' }                         Flaccid _____'' } How many of the positions in The Joy of Sex have you tried? _____ } How often do you masturbate?_____________________________________ } What is your sperm count?________________________________________ } Do you know how to use a condom? Yes ( ) No ( ) }    If you answered No to the above, do you know what a condom is? }    Yes ( ) No ( ) } Do you really want Lisa so bad you'll answer all these question? }     Yes ( )     No ( )     Most Likely ( ) } } FINAL INSTRUCTIONS } Have at least two of your ex-girlfriends fill out form LSA01. } Put the finished forms LSA69 and LSA01 in an envelope with the } necessary records and photographs and send to: } } One Chance In Hell } 267 Oracle Way } Oracle City, Fifth Alternate Plane of Reality  00000+3.14i } } I certify that the above information is correct on penalty of being } struck with a meteor. } Signature___________________________________________Date___________ } } ******************************************************************* } } FORM LSA01         Reference for Date with Lisa }       (To be filled out by ex-girlfriends of requestant) } } Name____________________________________________  SSN#____________ } Street Address__________________________________ } City____________State_________Zip_______________ } } How long did you date the requestant?___________ } } What was a typical date for you? }    Good times and conversation   ( ) }    Making out                    ( ) }    Making out, followed by sex   ( ) }    Arguing, followed by sex      ( ) }    Drink, puke, followed by sex  ( ) }    Watching "Wheel of Fortune", }                  followed by sex ( ) }    Watching "Wheel of Fortune"   ( ) } } If you had a sexual realationship with the requestant, answer the } following two questions. } } How was he with foreplay: }   Ooh, baby!       ( ) }   Real good        ( ) }   Okay             ( ) }   What's foreplay? ( ) } } Average number of orgasms achieved: }   >10               ( ) }   5-10              ( ) }   2-4               ( ) }   1                 ( ) }   What's an orgasm? ( ) } } If he showed up tomorrow, and you just happened to have a hedge } clipper in your hand, what would you do?_______________________ } _______________________________________________________________ } } Signature____________________________________Date______________ } *************************************************************** } There you are! Good luck! Although, as the Oracle, I know what you } look like and, believe me, you don't have a chance. If you're really } hooked on the idea of net feminine goddesses, I think I could hook you } up either with Edith, the net.wallflower.goddess or Griswalda, the } net.humungous.goddess. } } You owe the Oracle a life.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Well-Hung Oracle, whose tongue I am not worthy to worship, grant me > this morsel of your wisdom: >   What is the proper form of address for an ex-president who >   is attempting to bugger one's wife?  (Just a matter of idle curiosity, > as I am not married.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Mr. Perversident."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This morning I woke up with a slight hangover from a wild party I > attended last night.  At this party there was this great girl.  So was > everything a man looks for in a girl (sexy, smart, sexy).  Now the > problem, Due to my slightly intoxicated state, I can't remember what she > looked like or who she was.  Oracle, I HAVE to get ahold of her again. > My future depends on this.  Since You are all-seeing, all-knowing, and > all that other good shit, What do I need to do to find this girl?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Procure 7 litres of 2-molar hydrocyanic acid.  Place it beneath the } statue of St.  Nicholas of the Dromedary, in Forpincourt Yard.  Wait } until the statue crumbles.  She will show up at the celebration } following this happy event.  You will recognize her by her trowel-shaped } earrings made of solid gold.  She will break her engagement with George } Regnery.  You will completely forget your youthful promise to } whatshername.  You will be married.  You will have eleven children in } four years.  You will make a fortune in marshmellow futures.  She will } make another fortune in genetically-engineered beetles.  Your children } will all go to Harvard.  You will be elected to high public office.  You } will have an unblemished career, with one exception -- you will perform } certain favors for the Oracle who got you started on all this.  Then you } will retire to Florida, and have a long and emotionally unsettling } affair with a 10-year-old nun, which she will not find out about.  That } "she" was your wife; the nun will realise what's going on about 3/4 of } the way through.  The zombie Martian slave takers will capture your nun, } along with about 90% of the rest of Florida; you and your wife will be } left behind, as both of you are too heterosexual and religious.  Then } other things will happen, but we'll get to that later.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Well-Hung and ribald Oracle, whose muscle I am not worthy to baste, > whose fossil I am not worthy to grovel at, answer my regulatory query: >   What are the rules governing Motorola's use of Lisa in their >   advertising, and how carefully are said rules being followed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Congratulations, mortal! Your question was chosen at random for the } Oracular University 1990 Final Exam! Here are some of the responses! }                 -------------------------------- } how is lisa used in komershals? thats an ezy one! ill just talk with } god! } } %male god } hi god! "hi orakle" hey god mabe you kuld anser a kwestion for me? "ok } orakle!" how is Lisa used in motorolola komershals? "thats ezy they } have lots of sex with her" thanks god! } } you o the orakle lots of money ha ha! }                 -------------------------------- } Well, it's quite simple. You see, fuck shit shit fuck damn screw lay } breasts obscenity genitalia! Then blow shit fuck damn screw screw it } fucking shit. } } You owe the Oracle a fucking fuck. }                 -------------------------------- } Gee, I don't think I'll answer this one. It's too dumb. } } >message kinzler!iuvax } >You have to answer it, Oracle. It's your job! } } OH! A message from the great and all-powerful Stephen Kinzler, that } incredible genius who created me and who just happens to be grading } this paper! Anything you say, most intelligent and charming one! } } Actually there are no rules regarding Lisa and Motorola, as Motorola } would much rather promote its product with the handsome visage of } Stephen Kinzler! } } You owe the Oracle an A. }                 -------------------------------- } Let's rap! } } Motorola! Shit n' shinola! } Fizzy and sweet like Coca-Cola! } Motorola's got himself a pieca } That wild and wonderful gal named Lisa! } No more shit 'bout microchips! } Motorola's starin' at Lisa's hips! } Lisa's fine, she's really got plenty, } The girl moves faster than a 68020! } Lisa's so sweet from her head to her toes, } From her round, firm breasts to her little nose! } From her long blonde hair all streaked with orange, } To the...uh...to...er...shit. And I was going so well! } } You owe the Oracle a rap about quantum physics. }                 -------------------------------- } [In case you're interested, one student did get the right answer. This } is it.] } } There are several rules, most of which are very boring. Only one is } very important and it is: } } "Lisa and silicon shall not be mentioned in the same sentence." } } Are the rules being adhered to? I think so. Let us look at their } latest ad: } } [Scene: Lisa wearing nothing but three microchips. She poses and pouts } as the announcer talks about how swell Motorola's new 68050 is.] } } Lisa: Oooh! It Hz so good! } } Unfortunately the ad is killing their sales because, let's face it, } next to Lisa, any product looks awful. } } You owe the Oracle a bag of Sour Cream and Onion 6800's

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What world leaders smell the best?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, all the dead ones smell pretty bad now, but they varied a lot } when they were alive.  Probably the best-smelling one today is the } Prime Minister of the U. K., Margaret Thatcher, despite what her } political opponents say.  Gorbachev smells of vodka and expensive } wool suits, but with some subtle sweaty overtones.  President Bush } smells pretty good for an oldish man; Reagan, during his Presidency, } tended to fart a bit much.  Canadian Prime Ministers have historically } smelled pretty good.  Going back a bit, Hitler owed a lot of his rise } to power to smelling pretty good even in lederhosen.  De Gaulle smelled } great, apart from the garlic.  Nehru smelled pleasant. } } Really there's no correlation between smelling good and and admirable } qualities.  Franco smelled atrocious, but for a fascist he was rather } a good man (what with saving all those Jews from Hitler and Mussolini, } for example.  Speaking of Jews, Israeli Prime Ministers don't smell } half bad).